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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD going to Wimbledon and a concert instead of my mums funeral

587 replies

GillieLo · 04/07/2025 21:12

My mum passed recently, this wasn’t a shock as she had been ill for a while but none the less we are devastated.

I have 2 bio children and DSD who has been in my life for 8 years, she was friendly with my mum and my mum has left her just as much as she has her other grandchildren.

DSD said she couldn’t come to the funeral as work was busy and she couldn’t get time off, she’s 24.

Tonight my DD has shown me her instagram stories. Up at 4am queuing for Wimbledon, seems to have spent the day there and is now at Hyde park seeing Gracie Abrams and Noah Kahan.

AIBU to be unbelievably pissed off this is why she didn’t come to my mums funeral when my mum has left her 15k?

I was understanding when it was work but a concert and Wimbledon?!!

DHs response is “she’s young she probably had these plans for a while and we all grieve differently”.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 05/07/2025 08:03

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 04/07/2025 21:16

I think it’s poor that she was dishonest about it. But I don’t think she should have to attend a funeral if she doesn’t want to, whatever the reason.

This. The lying would piss me off.

CyberStrider · 05/07/2025 08:03

Even surgeon/pilot genre roles allow the incumbent compassionate leave for family funerals.

I've never worked anywhere where compassionate leave would extend to the parent of your step mother. It didn't even include grandparents at the place I worked when my grandad died.

IkeaJesusChrist · 05/07/2025 08:03

She sounds awful and not very bright.

She's also 24, not 14.

MellowPinkDeer · 05/07/2025 08:03

It’s the lying that is the huge problem. What a selfish bitch!

DyslexicPoster · 05/07/2025 08:06

It's the lies I would most hurt about. A simple "I have a concert booked. I hate funerals so could we do someone just us to remember her on x date like put flowers at the crem then go to her favourite restaurant" but she is very young for that. She could queue for Wimbledon any day in this fortnight

Interesting that many people think it doesn't matter about attending funerals generally. I'd rather not go to my fil when he pops off as not seen him in 8 years. But I need to support my dh. I rather be at home with noro virus on the loo tbh. However I was thinking of not taking the kids and I can't belive socaily our family would think that's OK? ( they won't be going if can think of a way to avoid it. He saw them once 8 years ago when toddlers so why put them through that for a total stranger).

Crowpigeon · 05/07/2025 08:12

If she was queuing at 4am presumably that means she didn’t have prebooked/ballot tickets to Wimbledon?

if she had pre booked concert tickets and could have gone there after the funeral I wouldn’t have had a problem with that.

its the Wimbledon and the lying I would struggle to deal with.

PutThe · 05/07/2025 08:12

With the current funeral backlog in England not looking like it'll improve any time soon, I think we'll see more instances where some people have their booked activities prioritised over others, and it becomes a whole new social area to manage.

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 05/07/2025 08:12

MiddleParking · 04/07/2025 21:49

Your daughter sounds dreadful tbh.

Absolute rubbish! Her dd is 17 and upset that her dsis has lied to miss her dgm funeral! My dd would be exactly the same, your dsd is a selfish l, thoughtless liar!

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 08:14

She's an adult stepchild, you didn't raise her, she didn't grow up in the family. I think it's fine she didn't go. You're just not as close as you thought, which is fine because grown up children aren't obliged to blend at will. She shouldn't have lied, but I imagine she would have been hounded into attending had she been honest. Focus on everyone who was there.

Theyreeatingthedogs · 05/07/2025 08:15

It's not just about the respect to the deceased it's also the disrespect to the OP. Surely she could have done the funeral in the day time and still made the gig at night? Going to Wimbledon is terrible.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/07/2025 08:16

GillieLo

I am very sorry for your loss.

I am a bit concerned that this funeral situation has become a focus for your grief. Sometimes when we are in the midst of a swirling tangle of painful emotions it’s somehow easier if we can find something tangible to latch on to - a focus for the pain.

I don’t think some of the more heated responses on this thread are necessarily what you need right now. You don’t need more emotional noise in your family now. It is clear your DSD did care about your DM running a marathon is a huge thing but she may not have appreciated how important the funeral was to you - she may have no frame of reference. Don’t risk losing a longer term relationship because of a single misstep.

To put my comments in context one of my siblings decided on the morning of the funeral of our last parent to die that she couldn’t face being there. I found out in the church from another sibling. We were all over 40 so age wasn’t a factor. We just shrugged and got on with it because funerals are just a small part of dealing with the death of a loved one. You will face further challenges as you grieve and your DSD’s support may help then when many of the people who attended the funeral have moved on with their lives.

Look after yourself and ask yourself if some of the responses on the thread are really going to help you and your family in the longer term.

OVienna · 05/07/2025 08:25

MiddleParking · 04/07/2025 21:49

Your daughter sounds dreadful tbh.

That's seriously your take on this?

Anjo2011 · 05/07/2025 08:26

I can see why you are upset. Few people want to attend a funeral but we do it to
support our families and pay our respects. If she had been upfront from the beginning then I would have been ok with it. She’s an adult so there’s no excuse for her behaviour.

OVienna · 05/07/2025 08:26

IkeaJesusChrist · 05/07/2025 08:03

She sounds awful and not very bright.

She's also 24, not 14.

This.

Evaka · 05/07/2025 08:26

She sounds like an arsehole and really dense too, posting on Instagram.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/07/2025 08:27

Unrelated38 · 04/07/2025 21:16

I wouldn't go to a funeral instead of a concert I'd bought tickets for. Your mum doesn't care who was there. Funerals are for the living and no one should be obliged to attend.

Funerals are for the living. OP is still alive and grieving and she has every right to be upset at her step-daughter's lies. OP's mum sounds lovely for treating her daughter's stepdaughter as one of her grandchildren and leaving her an equal inheritance. Her step-daughter's behaviour is just crass and bad-mannered.

Wouldn't you attend the funeral of a close family member if you had concert tickets? Even if it was your mum or dad (assuming that you aren't estranged from them)?

AnotherEmma · 05/07/2025 08:28

GillieLo · 04/07/2025 22:08

She’s just messaged the family group chat, basically saying that she is sorry, she didn’t intentionally lie. She was supposed to be working today but yesterday in the office many of them were chatting about Wimbledon and her colleague who was meant to have today off, stopping her from having the day off, offered to swap so she could go to Wimbledon.
She said it had slipped her mind the funeral was today.

I don’t know if I believe her, but I appreciate the apology.

When the funeral date was confirmed she should have asked her colleague to swap with her, colleague could always have said no. I bet she didn't even try to get the day off for the funeral.

I would be unimpressed too, OP. Sorry for your loss Flowers

thebrollachan · 05/07/2025 08:28

Her explanation makes no sense. If she thought she was working that day, why did she have concert tickets?

To all those accusing the dd of stirring - it was a pretty mild effort. I would have posted something like 'looks like you had a lovely day! Mum and Dad and I really missed you at Grandma's funeral 😢

AnotherEmma · 05/07/2025 08:29

She should have been there to support the family, even if she herself didn't care about her late step-grandmother.

whitewineandsun · 05/07/2025 08:29

She shouldn't have lied, but I would have gone to the concert, etc too.

harriethoyle · 05/07/2025 08:32

Horrid behaviour by your dsd. I think your dd sounds awesome though- calling her out beautifully! That’s a girl of principle, unlike your dsd.

Itsjustmonkeyssingingsongsmate · 05/07/2025 08:33

Flipping this on its head did you give dsd any choice of dates for the funeral? It sounds like she was very important to your mum. If she was important enough to expect to attend, no exceptions, then she was important enough to give some sort of say over the date surely?

whitewineandsun · 05/07/2025 08:35

GillieLo · 04/07/2025 21:51

I appreciate that the funeral isn’t the only way to honour someone and DSD did actually run London Marathon this year for a charity linked to the illness my mum passed of.
However we would have really appreciated her to be there today or at very least honesty as to why she wasn’t.

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Honestly, I would find that so much more meaningful.

And your daughter is stirring. There was no need for that, and it won't help anything.

AnotherEmma · 05/07/2025 08:36

latetothefisting · 04/07/2025 22:19

perhaps she would have run the marathon anyway, or if the mother wasn't ill, have run it for a different charity? It's incomprehensible to me, but millions of people run them for fun. It's not as if she donated money herself, when you say she ran it "for" OP's mum all you're saying is that other people gave her money.
It's not as if she was forced to run for 26 miles, the LM is hugely oversubscribed because so many people want to do it.

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This

PennyAnnLane · 05/07/2025 08:36

Well she didn’t go to the concert ‘instead of’ the funeral unless it was a particularly long funeral. I wouldn’t be bothered by this, she’s not a blood relative, and it’s not all about what you want. I didn’t go to two of my grandparents funerals for various reasons and I inherited a lot more than £15k from one of them.