Overheard new partners parents talking about my looks

[ninetyninedays]

I have been with my partner nearly a year.
His parents live a few hours away so I’ve only met them a couple of times when they’ve visited but I thought they seemed lovely so when they invited us to stay for the weekend I agreed and we stayed in his old room.
I thought we were all having a lovely time, when I walked in on his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.
I was understandably hurt but didn’t let on I heard so I told my partner and we just got our things and drove home while they were in the garden.

I never want to see them again and my partner accepts this and blocked them and we’ll have no more contact.
The thing is

1. I feel guilty that he has cut off his parents for me.

2. Is it true and he really has always hated girls my size? Then were they just making a point and I should be asking the same question and be mad at him?

3. His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.
   My partner is just saying they’re blocked so leave it but how is that a lesson learned?

I don’t understand why you’re not furious with him - he’s the one who seemingly hates bigger women and told his parents so!

I don't honestly think they’ve done much wrong if that’s all they said, other than having an honest conversation in their own home. Not pleasant, but certainly not worth cutting them off for.

You’ve flounced. Grow up.

That’s on you and your choice. He doesn’t owe you anything for that.

He’s 22 and can make his own decisions about who he sees and doesn’t see I just said I don’t need to know people like that.

And how old are you, OP?

A fat person is fat (medically, obese or probably morbidly obese as the threshold is surprisingly low!). Fat sounds much nicer than morbidly obese.

Curvy doesn’t mean fat. Curvy means curves in the ‘right places’ i.e. hourglass figure. Sometimes fat people use curvy to feel better about it, but all it does is muddy the waters.

A huge % of the population are fat.

It is a description. Not a declaration of war.

You have a mirror. If you are fat, you will know you’re fat, the same as you know you have black hair, brown hair, blonde hair, whatever colour eyes. This wasn’t a bombshell.

Being bullied for being fat, as awful as any bullying is, is not the same as being bullied for characteristics that you can’t change. If you hate being fat so much, you can change that. If you don’t want to change it, you need to accept who you are and love yourself for it. But you can’t be upset that someone comments on you being fat, when you say yourself, you are fat.

Your partner is clearly the problem here. I do not believe in a million years that his parents just created this out of nowhere. He’s obviously expressed these views in the past, and is now desperately trying to stop you hearing that fully from them. So he’s blocked them, like a child, for discussing between themselves that it’s a surprise to see he’s veered from his long standing aesthetic preference. I think you should take a good look at yourself here though - are you rubbing your own insecurities and past upsets off on him so that he’s genuinely terrified of you finding out he ever expressed these views? You’re fat and he loves you, so I don’t think it’s at all relevant. He loves you so much that he’s thrown himself in head first for someone who’s not his usual type. He’s stopped being so shallow. That’s a positive.

Wow this is a huge over reaction on your partner’s side, and I do wonder if the reason he has blocked them so quickly is because he has been talking to them about your weight and doesn’t want to get caught out?

He does not sound like a very decent and loyal person in general if he will throw away his relationship with his parents over such a minor thing. How will he react if you say something that displeases him, you’ve only known him a year and his parents have known him all his life and he has just cast them aside.

How old are you OP?

Of the hundreds of things they could have commented on, they chose the most obvious in that moment. Would you have rather heard “immature, reactive, isolating, impulsive, emotionally damaged, obsessive or spiteful”?

"People like that"? Like what? They didn’t say anything rude, just something factual. They didn’t say he shouldn’t be with you, just that they were surprised as you’re not his usual type.

You are being ridiculously over-sensitive, and I say that as an overweight person myself who is very self-conscious about it. I understand it is a difficult subject for you because of bullying, but they did not do anything wrong. If you cut off everyone who makes innocent comments like that, you are going to have a very miserable life.

Have you never voiced an opinion OP?

that was a very hurtful thing for you to overhear but they didn’t mean for you to hear it.

for your partner to have blocked his parents with no explanation and plan to never see them again…..It’s the most extraordinary overreaction and I cannot fathom it. I would be concerned about being with a man prone to such extreme response.

Indeed. I imagine the blocking has more to do with her and her reaction than she’s letting on.

Wow you sound awful and controlling, you are a major red flag.

They are allowed an opinion and if he's never dated a fat woman before why are they wrong to question it? You dont dispute you are fat.

You are what i dread my son's meeting.

I think what his parents were saying is true and he got embarrassed and felt guilty, hence blocking them. It’s just not a rational thing to do.

You both sound immature and need to do something about that. You can’t cut off everyone that says something that upsets you, cos you’ll be left with no one.

You sound young. He invited comments. The comment was a private conversation and in vein of bit different to your usual type son.
Surely a proportionate reply would be him saying I’m very happy with ‘Julie’ and please don’t comment on her size as it’s a sensitive subject.
Blocking/Walking out all very childish.

So your partner has said that he hates fat women.

His parents asked him to his face but he didn’t think to correct them or choose to go NC himself.

But it was only when you brought it up did he then decide to throw a tantrum and go NC with them.

You both massively overreacted.
The parents weren’t being offensive, they were asking him a genuine question which he didn’t see an issue with until you mentioned it.

Tell him to grow up and speak to his parents and to explain how his opinion has changed on bigger women.

Tell your bf to grow up! Unless there’s a whole world of historic family toxicity going on he sounds ridiculous. Does he have siblings, what do they think of his dramatics and how it will affect future family events? Is he an only child so now he has no family? Bloody ridiculous over reaction from both of you if there’s no bad history.

You overheard something you weren’t supposed to hear. Difficult or not to hear this, it may be factual in terms of his previous views. It’s a sore spot for you but your reaction is beyond disproportionate. Perhaps the reaction is linked to the old bullying and you may feel this justifies it maybe worth getting some counselling to put those old issues to bed. You could consider asking him to let his parents know you were really hurt, and give them a chance to put this right - and then all aim to move forward.

He can’t just cut his parent off for that!

Hello copilot

I am actually baffled. You sound toxic as does he. You also sound childish. 'They got away with it'? What? Having opinions?

They didnt intend for you to hear so they spoke frankly. It wasnt rude!

And to cut them off? Block them after running away instead of communicating with them. They are his PARENTS. Imagine the distress. And they welcomed you

God, people like you are why so many families are fractious

They clearly didnt expect you to hear and would have likely apologised when you discussed it with them

I don’t think I’ve ever heard seen a post more like AI than this? Are you?

Look, one of the first things we notice about people is their appearance. That is just a fact, you don't hide behind a curtain and start talking and they say how smart you are and you come out 4 days later. You are sensitive but what they said is fact. My friend is a size 20, it is the first thing you notice about her. Is it the last thing you are left with? No. But she is a size 20.

You cutting them off is an overreaction too. God forbid someone expresses an opinion you don't like. My SIL is like you, dramatic, over the top reactions because that is the family she grew up in, they all do it, upset one of them and they all take on her fight. We are all a bit chill. We have very different opinions but no one is cutting anyone off for it. We have heated debates but no one spits their dummy out.

Dust yourself off, think of how you want to talk to them about it and do it with your partner. Dh's parents really didn't like me, didn't know me, but did what you did which is a knee jerk reaction to one conversation the first time I met them for about 4 minutes. That was 30 years ago. They learned to love me because we talked, talked about our differences, listened to each other and our differing beliefs and view points.

You are acting like children, grow up and get over yourselves. You both sound really immature.

Agree with this. I know weight is a sensitive issue, but it could have been the same if you were say, very small and all his previous girlfriends had been 5’10”, or any other noticeable difference between you and his previous “type”. It’s just chat.

They were having a private conversation. Have you really ever discussed someone else in a way that they would be hurt by if they overheard it ? I certainly have.
Estranging your boyfriend from his parents is cruel, horribly controlling and totally unreasonable for a minor comment that they didn’t intent you to hear. Being overweight is just a fact, it’s not a value judgment, any more than being thin if his previous girlfriends were always more voluptuous.