Overheard new partners parents talking about my looks

[ninetyninedays]

I have been with my partner nearly a year.
His parents live a few hours away so I’ve only met them a couple of times when they’ve visited but I thought they seemed lovely so when they invited us to stay for the weekend I agreed and we stayed in his old room.
I thought we were all having a lovely time, when I walked in on his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.
I was understandably hurt but didn’t let on I heard so I told my partner and we just got our things and drove home while they were in the garden.

I never want to see them again and my partner accepts this and blocked them and we’ll have no more contact.
The thing is

1. I feel guilty that he has cut off his parents for me.

2. Is it true and he really has always hated girls my size? Then were they just making a point and I should be asking the same question and be mad at him?

3. His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.
   My partner is just saying they’re blocked so leave it but how is that a lesson learned?

This is utter madness. They were having a conversation between themselves stating a fact. And he has blocked his parents for this........crazy. It would have been better to gently let them know you over heard this comment and are really hurt by it. We've all had conversations about other people we wouldn't necessarily say to them, its human nature. Were they nice to you? Kind to you? To be honest your partner sounds like a sap. Cutting his parents off, without even telling them what the issue is - now that is a million times worse than them having a private conversation you werent supposed to hear.

Jut because you have been bullied in the past due to your size, you cannot let that affect future relationships moving forward. He needs to stop being a coward, call his parents and actually tell them what the issue is. No doubt they will be absolutely mortified but to just leave them hanging with no clue, its actually pretty disgusting behaviour.

I think this is ridiculous and don’t think much of either OP or partner.
If they had the chance I’m sure his parents would apologise and you could have moved forward, very childish, we all say things we regret at some point but to fall out because of this is crazy. I’m sorry your hurt but you are overreacting.

OP, the issue here is your insecurities. You say you have an issue with your weight and that is letting your feeling of shame turning into anger and resentment.

Surely you should be proud that having never been attracted to an overweight lady, he fell in love with you. You should therefore hold your head high. You could have walked in and make it a joke, say that you are super special and that they clearly raised a good man. They would have felt bad, most likely profusely apologised and all would be good.

What you don't want is your partner starting to see you in another light, a person who lacks confidence and is indirectly controlling about his relationship.

This

Huge overreaction on your part, OP.

I have moved from my home town to be with him and left all my family and friends to live with him.
This isn’t true, surely?

So you never want to ever see them again and he blocked them?
If this is true which is hard to believe then you both need to learn to loosen up a bit and live such a black and white life.

Well that escalated quickly

So?? Many of us were bullied for one thing or another. It doesn’t give us carte blanche to behave like a psycho.

Way over the top to block and cut off because of a private conversation you were not meant to hear.
Can you truly and honestly say you have never ever said anything a little unflattering about someone in private???? ( I certainly can't). It doesn't mean they don't like you even, it was just a comment.
Big red flag btw that he would cut off his parents for that alone.

But if you are overweight then it’s simply a factual comment, that they are surprised he’s with someone who is overweight as he doesn’t like overweight women. They haven’t called you fat when you’re not, they’ve simply stated surprise at their son’s choices knowing that he, in the past, has expressed that he doesn’t like overweight women.

This is on your partner, not them.

You both sound really immature. Leaving and saying you’ll never speak to them again as they said something factual?

I agree with PP’s be very wary of a man who has supposedly cut his parents off for this. You’ve only been together a year.

You’ll be back on here in a couple of years moaning that he’s blocked you over a trivial thing.

Woah, not often I have to read a post twice but did here! I’m sorry your feelings were hurt OP, it’s not nice especially if it’s the same reason for school bullying.

However, I feel this is a massive over reaction. It doesn’t even sound as though they were deliberately being mean they were (clumsily) curious as obviously they understood their DC had preferred thinner women. What’s so wrong with that though? Is it not natural for parents to wonder about their children’s choices? And since when was the word ‘fat’ offensive? I’m pretty short and have to listen to Aunties and Uncles literally refer to me in quite clumsy terms using a not very nice phrase. However, I’m mature enough to see it for what it is - just life - and carry on as I know they’re not being malicious as they do this with everyone.

Also, you realise how bitchy friends can be behind your back especially against the plumper amongst us (me included!), so would you break up with every single friend and family member if you heard yourself being described like this?

I also see it as a huge red flag that your DP just like that is happy to block his mother and father forever. Makes me think there is truth in what they said and he’s deflecting with this ‘heroic gesture’. I also see it as cruel behaviour to his parents. You should have just told DP you overheard them talking using that term and are upset because it triggered memories of being bullied and for his parents to please not comment on your body or sons preferences in future.

why on earth would you leave your family and friends for someone you barely know? Snacks of desperation and insecurity. His decision to block his parents after that comment is OTT and a red flag.

How ridiculous.

Maybe he doesn't normally go for big girls and they were stating a fact. Surely you know if you're fat....I know I'm fat. It's a fact. You eavesdropped and got hurt. MASSIVE OVERREACTION

Gently OP, this is not a reason for expecting him to block his parents. I think you would have been better to confront it together. Driving away and then enacting block and ignore isn’t the answer. A mature conversation to sort it out and move on would have been better.

You say you left family and friends to move in with him. Have you stopped contact with them too ? If so you really do need a rethink because this will come back to bite both of you - not least because he’s done this so easily with his own family. It’s only a matter of time before he does it to you for a similarly trivial reason. Big red flag.

Totally agree, you are hurt because you heard it. In reality we are all the subject of conversations, that would hurt us if we heard them, but rarely does that happen. I say things all the time (particularly about my sil), but she is never likely to hear me say the things I say.

I think you have overreacted and your partner is being foolish in cutting his parents off. I don’t think you come out well out of this.

I say this as a big woman myself wtf! So you’re a biggish lass and obviously realise it what exactly have they done wrong?
Theyve opened their home to you and by your own admission made you feel welcome, you then “overhear” them saying something about you that’s not only true but you know it’s true 😳
Youve made a huge deal of it mate and you’re gonna struggle to come back from it because in all honesty it sounds unhinged.

they weren’t saying you were horrible or a thief or a member of a far right group they were remarking on a fat lass being fat.

That was your decision to do that, why isolate yourself so much?

Appreciate you're hurt OP, but this is a massive over reaction and you're not covering yourself in glory here

The fuck??!! You’re calling me fattist? What batshittery is this (or am I being rude about bats now?)

Of course OP's boyfriend's parents have done something wrong. They were speaking derogatively about OP's weight and expressing huge surprise that their son, a hater of fat people, should want to be with her. It was a cruel thing to say and really stupid to do so when OP could and did overhear them.

If OP had been born with a physical impairment that her boyfriend's parents commented on behind her back, would you still think that they had done nothing wrong or is it because you think that fat people only have themselves to blame if people are rude and unkind about their weight?

Erm, were they expressing concern for you, and how he will treat you if you fit a demographic he has always supposedly disliked? You will never know because neither of you had the maturity to have a conversation with them about what you heard and went straight for the nuclear option.

Strongly suggest he unblocks them, tells them why you left and gives them a chance to explain why they were expressing concerns privately to each other. You still don't have to see them again, if you choose not to, but this doesn't seem like a permanent blocking situation to me. It sounds like two teenagers throwing their teddies out the pram.

You have both overreacted and sound very immature. It is probably a factual statement, he has previously dated slim women. You are possibly not slim and have a massive issue with this because you were bullied for it. They didn't say it to your face, they didn't call you names they expressed an opinion between themselves.

It is worrying that your boyfriend wasn't mature enough to tell them that you are leaving and why. Just stomped off like children, taking your ball home.

I honestly think your boyfriend should reach out to his parents to explain what happened. Or do you not think anyone should be able to apologise? I actually hope this is a fake story because this is madness if this is the behaviour of adults.

Wow, what an extreme reaction. Mostly from him and a bit from you.

This.

For all you know, he might have spent the last 10+ years waxing lyrical about how repulsive overweight people are, and so they’re genuinely surprised. They’re not to blame for views he’s expressed.

I think he’s blocked them because something like this is true and he doesn’t want you to hear that from them when they defend their position. In the same way, I have always said I wouldn’t date someone with children - I can imagine that being commented on if I suddenly did, as I’ve been very clear and consistent over my whole adult life that I’m not cut out for step parenting. The difference is that he’s (it appears) made comments which have personally hurt you as his preferences are about looks.

They didn’t say it thinking she would hear. And it isn’t derogatory! We don’t know the exact wording anyway. And they stated a fact to each other.

They didn’t stand protectively over the buffet making comments about pies, did they?