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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Overheard new partners parents talking about my looks

802 replies

ninetyninedays · 04/07/2025 14:09

I have been with my partner nearly a year.
His parents live a few hours away so I’ve only met them a couple of times when they’ve visited but I thought they seemed lovely so when they invited us to stay for the weekend I agreed and we stayed in his old room.
I thought we were all having a lovely time, when I walked in on his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.
I was understandably hurt but didn’t let on I heard so I told my partner and we just got our things and drove home while they were in the garden.

I never want to see them again and my partner accepts this and blocked them and we’ll have no more contact.
The thing is

  1. I feel guilty that he has cut off his parents for me.

  2. Is it true and he really has always hated girls my size? Then were they just making a point and I should be asking the same question and be mad at him?

  3. His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.
    My partner is just saying they’re blocked so leave it but how is that a lesson learned?

OP posts:
minnienono · 06/07/2025 12:39

How do you know that it wasn’t actually part of a longer conversation complimenting you? You heard a snippet, it may have been said as a surprise but how you were so much nicer than his previous girlfriends and that finally he has learnt that skinny doesn’t equal nice person. Thus is a fair point and not a reason to block for life unless it’s part of a wider pattern of negativity

pestowithwalnuts · 06/07/2025 12:40

OneNaiceSnail · 04/07/2025 14:12

What they said wasn’t very nice at all, but you were not meant to hear it. I actually can’t believe you’ve made your partner block his parents and never ever speak to them ever again over this!

Edited

How has OP " made " her partner block them. ?
She said she didn't want to see them any more....nothing about forcing her partner to go nc

SerafinasGoose · 06/07/2025 13:53

Skye99 · 06/07/2025 10:49

This.

It says nothing for your boyfriend that he behaved this cruelly to his parents.

They didn't know you could hear them. They weren't trying to bully you.

They could have made entirely sure they couldn't be overheard. It wouldn't have taken that much self-restraint to save their unpleasant observations for when OP was safely out of the house. But they couldn't hold back. The consequences for that are all on them.

Whether OP was 'meant' to overhear their cruel comment or otherwise is immaterial. She did.

Heygal · 06/07/2025 13:59

I am a fat woman. Fat when I met my husband and fatter since. His family are slim and judge me by my size and by what I eat. I ignore them and know he loves me and finds me attractive. We all judge people and talk about people, it’s the human way. Don’t get too emotional about it but I would call them out for it and make them feel awkward. As others have mentioned you weren’t meant to hear it. It hurts to be judged but at the same time that’s your own insecurity. Enjoy your relationship but let your partner manage his own family relationship.

TimeFliesin2046 · 06/07/2025 14:00

Heygal · 06/07/2025 13:59

I am a fat woman. Fat when I met my husband and fatter since. His family are slim and judge me by my size and by what I eat. I ignore them and know he loves me and finds me attractive. We all judge people and talk about people, it’s the human way. Don’t get too emotional about it but I would call them out for it and make them feel awkward. As others have mentioned you weren’t meant to hear it. It hurts to be judged but at the same time that’s your own insecurity. Enjoy your relationship but let your partner manage his own family relationship.

Why should they feel awkward? They don’t know she was there and they aren’t judging her for being fat, just expressing their surprise to woe son had chosen her because he’s clearly always told them he doesn’t like fat women. They aren’t being nasty about her at all.

Skye99 · 06/07/2025 14:41

SerafinasGoose · 06/07/2025 13:53

They could have made entirely sure they couldn't be overheard. It wouldn't have taken that much self-restraint to save their unpleasant observations for when OP was safely out of the house. But they couldn't hold back. The consequences for that are all on them.

Whether OP was 'meant' to overhear their cruel comment or otherwise is immaterial. She did.

Edited

Her boyfriend is responsible for his own cruelty, and the OP is responsible for her own actions in condoning it.

SerafinasGoose · 06/07/2025 14:47

Skye99 · 06/07/2025 14:41

Her boyfriend is responsible for his own cruelty, and the OP is responsible for her own actions in condoning it.

Her boyfriend has full autonomy over his own overreaction. With that I would agree.

Whether or not OP condones that is irrelevant. Men are sentient adults who bear full responsibility for their own actions. Women are not to blame for what men do.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 06/07/2025 15:36

I agree; you and your DP shouldn't have blocked them. You were prying!

I also agree that you need to own being on the larger side. They weren't saying anything discriminatory about your size, merely stating a fact that related to the question asked. You being bullied has nothing to do with them.

MyBusyWriter · 06/07/2025 16:02

SerafinasGoose · 06/07/2025 14:47

Her boyfriend has full autonomy over his own overreaction. With that I would agree.

Whether or not OP condones that is irrelevant. Men are sentient adults who bear full responsibility for their own actions. Women are not to blame for what men do.

Exactly! Let’s stop this blaming woman for the actions of men. Ultimately he is the one with the loyalty to his parents

Changeminds20 · 06/07/2025 17:04

YoNoHeSido77 · 06/07/2025 10:11

This is pathetic. If they had called you fat to your face then maybe I could understand it, but they didn’t. They didn’t even insult you.

You admit yourself that you’re fat so it’s not like they were being untruthful. It’s the same as observing “oh, he’s never been with a blonde girl before, that surprises me.”

If your weight affects you so much that you’re prepared to cut off your in-laws for making an observation, then you really need to get some help for it. I’m saying this as someone who used to be a size 24.

It’s not fun being fat but if you are happy with being like that then you need to understand that people may comment, and you need to own it.

I’d be VERY concerned that my partner just went off like that, it’s concerning and honestly a whole Glastonbury festival of red flags.

It doesn’t matter if he’s never shown a preference for big women before, he clearly is attracted to you, but it is something that you need to dish to him about because you’ve note made it an issue between you.

I agree with this comment.

Marieb19 · 06/07/2025 17:20

Wow - you are a piece of work. You want to alienate your partner from his parents because they noticed and commented to (each other) that you are fat. Not only do you want to destroy their relationship but you want to twist the knife and have him contact them, to tell them why he is cutting contact and block them again, to satisfy your nasty need for revenge . Please show your partner this thread because he and his parents deserve better than you.

feelingrobbed · 06/07/2025 17:41

Over to the top. Doesn’t sound like they weren’t being factual and they didn’t say it to your face.

you’ve given up your family now he’s giving up his. Fast forward a year or ten when you both run back to your families devastated you left them and hate each other for being toxic

Sennelier1 · 06/07/2025 18:38

Blocking them for something they said in private is very immature. Also : they didn't call you any names, they said you're not his usual type because he (not them!) doesn't like fat girls. You could've stepped out and confronted them, then you could've talked it out all together. If you and your boyfriend stay together and have children, you have efficiently robbed them of grandparents even before you have conceived. Your husband will regret that ánd take it out on you. And about the fatshaming : good luck if you cut everybody out of your life who you even only suspect having something against plus-size girls. You will make life miserable for yourself and for your boyfriend.

sidetosidebackwards · 06/07/2025 19:24
Crank Wind Up GIF by Xbox

I thought this was a weird post. The biggest red flag is that the OP hasn't returned to the thread.

I wonder why.

Bunny65 · 06/07/2025 20:27

sidetosidebackwards · 06/07/2025 19:24

I thought this was a weird post. The biggest red flag is that the OP hasn't returned to the thread.

I wonder why.

She probably doesn’t like the responses so is offended again

merrymelody · 07/07/2025 01:25

ButteredRadish · 06/07/2025 02:13

What a vile thing to say to someone and is not at all what OP posted about! Way to miss the point spectacularly just to get a dig in Biscuit

It’s not meant to be a dig - it just seems like an obvious question given the OP’s extreme reaction to a casual remark not even intended for her ears.

Caligirl80 · 07/07/2025 01:57

I understand your sensitivity to being called "fat" - it's not nice. And it's horrible having a history of being bullied for it.

But in this case these people were not necessarily bullying you. They were making an observation to each other during a conversation that they thought was private. There was no bullying happening.

So the question is (and this question is for you - you don't have to answer them here on MN: 1) Are you, objectively speaking, fat? Put another way: from a BMI standpoint are you considered overweight/obese based on your height/bodyweight?? (there are other more specific ways of measuring these things, but given BMI is a starting point measure used by the NHS for various things and is a test that is easy to measure at home etc it's useful for this purpose); 2) Did your partner, in the past, say to his parents, or give his parents reason to believe, that he did not like/did not fancy/disliked the notion of dating/being in a romantic relationship with a woman who happens to be "fat"?
If the answer to those questions is "yes" then their conversation was an observational one. They were making an observation about their own child's changing decisions/preferences.

Your own comment suggests that you believe you are "fat" - and that they were not incorrect when they made the comparison statement. So, objectively speaking, this isn't a case of someone making an incorrect observation.

The situation would be very different if they had approached their son and said "we don't like the fact you are dating a woman who is fat", or "what do you see in her? We don't understand why you find her attractive..." etc etc. But they did not do that. They were having a private conversation, and making an observation about their son's changing preferences/likes/dislikes. If anything the person to be confused about is your partner, not his parents. For all we know they were making the commentary in such a way as to be glad that their son had grown up a bit and was now finding people attractive regardless of their body weight.

It's understandable that you had a bit of a gut reaction to the feeling that people were talking about your weight. But ask yourself whether the reaction was actually to what those people were saying, or more to the memory of the bullying you experienced in the past? It's probably more likely the latter. You assumed that they were being negative about you. When actually, looked at rationally, all they were doing was making a correct observation about you, and then comparing it to something they know about their son's former (perhaps even current) preferences. Cutting off all contact with parents for a private conversation they never intended to be overheard, and also which actually doesn't seem bothersome (based on the content of that conversation only) seems a big time overreaction.

A better way to handle it would be for you and your husband to talk about why you were so upset. What about it made you upset. And for there to be a calm conversation with his parents in which he explained (after all they were talking about him and his preferences) that either their recollection was wrong, or that indeed he used to not like fat people - but that now he has matured he's realised that was not actually his viewpoint. He could also say that you find conversations about your weight to be difficult, not least because you were bullied when you were little. And that he wants to be very clear that any negative discussions about your weight are not acceptable at all - and more importantly they aren't kind, and that it's easy for an observation to be misunderstood as a negative criticism.

Onceisenoughta · 07/07/2025 01:58

It's one of those situations that can't be undone. I'd have been furious/upset/ mortified to overhear anyone criticise me like that - in fact it happened once but it wasn't about my size - it was about everything else they'd happened to see while I was doing my gardening. It was vile - my neighbours either side - a 45-50s couple and a widow mid 50s. My teenage daughter heard them and so did I. I haven't spoken to either of them since & that's 6 years ago. They don't know that I know so I've just had to live with it. I'm over it now. I did let rip once though because the widow & her new fella (of 4 years now) decided to call my partner a fat bastard, just because we got a new car & he was ?jealous so they both copped for a right leathering.

So yes, if you get offended by people saying unkind, undeserved things about you don't feel bad for them - I'm sure you didn't call them any names in return because you'd have been speechless.

What could they possibly say or do to make amends - say 'sorry'. They ruined the relationship not you - they might have got form for doing things like that to previous girlfriends.

Hopefully you'll laugh about it one day, I commend your other half for backing you up because where would you be if he'd told you that you must have been mistaken - then you've got a big problem xx

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 07/07/2025 02:34

YABU. What an overreaction!

Do you block everyone who says anything you don't like?

Use it as motivation to lose the weight. It's not healthy.

dh280125 · 07/07/2025 09:43

Blocked? For that? Massive over reaction. Stand up for yourself, and get him to do the same for his opinions. But are you fat? And has he every liked fat girls before? No? If so, they're just talking about what they see. It's not nice, but you should point that out. Blocking is childish and it won't last.

sidetosidebackwards · 07/07/2025 09:45

@Onceisenoughta

I'd have been furious/upset/ mortified to overhear anyone criticise me like that - in fact it happened once but it wasn't about my size - it was about everything else they'd happened to see while I was doing my gardening

Fascinated by what you could possibly be doing while gardening that amount to 'everthing else they'd happen to see" that could result in such offensive criticism.

Were you naked gardening or something????

Gardening is so inoffensive.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/07/2025 09:46

selkieselkie · 04/07/2025 14:27

Assuming you are fat, they haven't said anything about you that isn't true. I understand it can't have been nice to hear but I'd be more concerned about whatever it is your partner has said/done in the past to make them think he "hates fat women". To cut off all contact with them over this is awful.

This.

Kbroughton · 07/07/2025 10:17

So he is 22, I assume you are a similar age. You have been together less than a year and you have moved in with him, and left all your family and friends to be with him? And you both throw your toys out of the pram without even discussing it with the parents. You want some kind of revenge and feel their son completely cutting them off without even telling them why is them 'getting off lightly'. Neither of you sound mature enough to be in this kind of relationship. The parents did not mean for you to hear and at the very least deserve to hear of the impact of their comments and have a chance to make it right.

Gooly62 · 07/07/2025 10:59

Youcunnyfunt · 04/07/2025 14:14

Extremely childish. I’m sure you felt hurt - I would too - but this was a conversation you were never intended to hear. They might also think you’re lovely and funny - the things that matter.
I would also be wary of a boyfriend who so readily cut off his own flesh and blood over a comment out of context and supposed to be out of earshot.

Absolutely 100 percent correct.
You have just set up a scenario in which your partner will slowly grow to resent the hell out of you. And for breaking his mother's heart.
Parents can be thoughtless arses just like everyone else. My advice is to forgive them fast and hopefully everyone will just as quickly forgive you when you need it one day.......

Lanzarotelady · 07/07/2025 14:19

@ninetyninedays please unblock us and come back to update us all!