Overheard new partners parents talking about my looks

[ninetyninedays]

I have been with my partner nearly a year.
His parents live a few hours away so I’ve only met them a couple of times when they’ve visited but I thought they seemed lovely so when they invited us to stay for the weekend I agreed and we stayed in his old room.
I thought we were all having a lovely time, when I walked in on his parents talking in the kitchen asking what they thought of me and saying they were surprised because he hates fat women so couldn’t understand why he was with one.
I was understandably hurt but didn’t let on I heard so I told my partner and we just got our things and drove home while they were in the garden.

I never want to see them again and my partner accepts this and blocked them and we’ll have no more contact.
The thing is

1. I feel guilty that he has cut off his parents for me.

2. Is it true and he really has always hated girls my size? Then were they just making a point and I should be asking the same question and be mad at him?

3. His parents don’t know why we’ve blocked them and will never know because they’ll never see us again so I feel like they have got away with it and not been held accountable. I think he should tell them and then block them so they know the consequences of what they said.
   My partner is just saying they’re blocked so leave it but how is that a lesson learned?

Agrée. This very action has made an uncomfortable situation much worse. Childish behaviour… and a MASSIVE overreaction to a single unpleasant comment. I feel sorry for the parents who will be distressed and confused. You need to grow a pair OP. Swallow your pride and both apologise for your behaviour … I feel pretty sure you’ll get an apology. Think about the long term … Christmas, birthdays and grandchildren … you’re both being ridiculous.

I’m sorry but I think you are both massively overreacting. Are you fat? If so, what they said isn’t really an insult, it’s just an observation. They haven’t said you are ugly or anything like that. If you were very skinny and they said they were surprised he was with a skinny woman since he’d always preferred larger women would you be offended then?
I know what it’s like to be bullied, I’m a redhead and have been bullied my entire life for being ginger, extremely badly bullied in fact, and when I first met my (now husband’s) parents they said they were shocked he’d ended up with a redhead being as he’s always hated gingers before. This is just a fact, I AM ginger, whether I like it or not they were just pointing out a fact - did it sting a little at the time? Yes - but they weren’t being horrible. Same as if you are fat, they weren’t necessarily being horrible - ‘fat’ isn’t necessarily a bad thing to say, beautiful women come in all shapes and sizes and your partner obviously thinks you are beautiful otherwise he wouldn’t be with you so what does it matter what his previous preferences were? If they’d said you were ugly or obnoxious or something else genuinely nasty like that then that would be different. But you can’t hold a grudge against someone forever for simply pointing out you’re a larger lady. I’m not fattest and I don’t think there is anything wrong with being a fat woman btw so I’m struggling to see why you feel a throwaway comment that you were never meant to hear has made you never want to see them again?
OP you ABU for telling your partner you don’t ever want to see them again & your partner is also BU for going along with it.
Instead ask him to speak to his parents & give them the chance to apologise and move on. Did you stay for the rest of the conversation? They could have said lots of nice things about you too? Like that you were lovely, kind and funny for instance.
Please reflect on this properly because you’ve both reacted very harshly.

You need to grow up and develop a hard shell. I caught my mother in law talking about me to her niece, the daggers were very much out, I just walked away as I didn't want to be privy to it. Both were very toxic, but in fairness my mother in law was fantastic to my children, her grandkids. I realised that that was more important.

Sorry you’ve been hurt but him cutting his parents off is so so extreme!!!!
He definitely shouldn’t cut them off for this! Seriously. I feel this is an enormous over reaction on your part. It’s possible you’ve just misheard?!!! I think keep them at arms length but you are being very foolish.

My god you have both behaved incredibly badly. You just disappeared from their house without telling them, then he blocked them?

They must be tearing their hair out with worry.

I'm betting you're younger than your boyfriend. You both have very little experience of the realities of life. You've made a stupid mistake, but you can come back from it. Unblock them, calmly explain why you were upset, and arrange to meet at a neutral venue to talk it all through.

Maybe a lot going on here which you dont know about with your partner and his parents. Hidden Agendas?

First of all. l think what they said about you was pretty awful and ill considered.
There is a huge Fattist a two faced,a genda in this country that lives beneath the painted smile.

However, it was up to your partner to confront his parents to tell them about upset you were, about their remarks about your weight.

Does he have some long running beef or issues with them that you know about. And it using this matter to get back at them?

Wow what happened to communication nowadays? I’m sorry you overheard that but this outcome to that is a little over the top don’t you think? How old are you both if you don’t mind me asking, I’m going to have a guess and say early 20’s.

I've only read your responses so apologies if I'm repeating other posters .. but where is your anger at your boyfriend? Presumably this is a preference he has previously expressed in front of them so why aren't you angry at him for his previous shallow comments?

If one of my DSs said he didn't like redheads, didn't understand why anyone could be attracted to a redhead, then brought one home, I think DH and I would comment on it.

And blocking his parents is just childish. He should have told them and given them a chance to apologise to you - and you should have acknowledged it was a conversation you weren't meant to hear.

I have experienced something similar except I overheard my partners sister & mother saying that they couldn’t understand why he would want to be with an anorexic bag of bones ( I have always been slim but I have never been anorexic ) I was upset but I didn’t say anything as both his sister & mother are heavy so I thought perhaps there may have been a little bit of jealousy in their comments ? I would not have let my partner cut off & block contact as people are not perfect & most of us are guilty of saying something a bit mean or hurtful at times , even if we don’t mean 2 . I would ask my partner to unblock his parents and allow them the opportunity to apologise to you & him ( if they refuse then that’s a different story )

You both need to grow up
Blocking and going nc without any discussion is ridiculous

He must have made very vocal comments to them previously about fat people for them to have said that. They haven't said anything wrong. Just pondering on his choice of girlfriend when he has previously made his feelings known on the matter. Im wondering if he's blocked them because he's worried what else they might tell you about him. He sounds awful. I could never have someone in my life that could so callously cut off their parents over something HE said. Not them, it's not their opinion they were talking about, it's his! Think on that. Also you were totally out of order to say you'd never see his parents again. Massive dramatic overreaction.

She wasn’t fat shamed.

This is pathetic. If they had called you fat to your face then maybe I could understand it, but they didn’t. They didn’t even insult you.

You admit yourself that you’re fat so it’s not like they were being untruthful. It’s the same as observing “oh, he’s never been with a blonde girl before, that surprises me.”

If your weight affects you so much that you’re prepared to cut off your in-laws for making an observation, then you really need to get some help for it. I’m saying this as someone who used to be a size 24.

It’s not fun being fat but if you are happy with being like that then you need to understand that people may comment, and you need to own it.

I’d be VERY concerned that my partner just went off like that, it’s concerning and honestly a whole Glastonbury festival of red flags.

It doesn’t matter if he’s never shown a preference for big women before, he clearly is attracted to you, but it is something that you need to dish to him about because you’ve note made it an issue between you.

This.

It says nothing for your boyfriend that he behaved this cruelly to his parents.

They didn't know you could hear them. They weren't trying to bully you.

I take it you didn't stand there and listen further? They could have then said, but he loves her and she makes him happy and that's what matters. Personally I think it was very rude to just leave while they were in the garden and then to block them. Your behaving like spoilt brats. He should have at least have said .... Heard what you said about her being fat and it's really upset her so I think it's best if we go home. Still no need to block them, if anything happened to one of his parents tomorrow I wonder how he'd feel then. You both need to grow up. im fat and know it, if I'd be offended if someone said anything I'd go on a diet!!!!

Blocking and going no contact is very extreme.

If you knew someone who'd always said he hated fat women (which is pretty strong talk, isn't it? Most decent men who aren't attracted to a body type don't make a point of announcing their hatred for women with that body type, they just quietly date elsewhere) would you genuinely not be surprised? And you'd feel you couldn't express that to own husband, in private in your own home? They weren't slagging OP off. They were expressing surprise that the former fatphobe they'd raised had appeared to have had a complete change of mind.

Sorry OP, you’re clearly incredibly sensitive about your size.

but saying they’re surprised your partner has gone for a fat women because he’s said he hates them in the past is merely an observation If you’re are genuinely over weight. Did they say more than that? Did they mock you or call you names?

it’s seems incredibly childish to block and go no contact with his parents because of that. You could have just walked in and said, maybe he’s finally found a larger lady he finds beautiful. They’d have been mortified and apologised profusely and you could have all got on with your lives. Why sneak off and make your partner go no contact for something as minor? Very odd.

He sounds very immature for 22. He needs to talk to them. Tell them you overheard and were upset. I am sure they didn't mean to upset you. It was a private conversation. Next time they need to be a bit more aware of their surroundings. You can't police what they think or say.

I'm Sure they'll have known you heard em.
They'll know why he's cut them off.
You packed and went that's telling me something.
Many yrs ago I met my partners sister and she said oh my brothers ex was over weight and horrible figure.
He usually goes for slim girls, can't understand what he saw in her.
I thought you cow. Who are you to judge her.
We never got it off after that..
She got it as my face said it all..

Me and my friend were having a similar conversation recently about her sons new girlfriend, I can admit it’s not a very kind way to talk about someone and I would have been embarrassed if she had heard us. I think it was insensitive to have the conversation while op was in the house but it doesn’t warrant this reaction. If my son’s girlfriend had overheard us talking though she would have also heard us say…. I can see why he is so happy though.. She’s beautiful, funny, her kids are adorable and she’s such a good mum ect ect.

Wow OTT or what. I think you should tell him to unblock them they made a comment people do this all the time. they didn’t say hey fatty I’m surprised our son is with you. He’s 22 this relationship won’t last. You need to tell him you don’t want him to fall out over this you made a big drama and he’s trying to keep you happy. If you are big they didn’t say anything you haven’t heard before. Unfortunately the truth hurts. It’s not nice what you heard I get that but his parents deserve an explanation. He’s very immature as well.

Particularly on the part of your boyfriend. Doesn't augure well !

As someone who has struggled with obesity her entire life, I have to say, him blocking his parents over this is a massive overreaction.

YOU can certainly choose to not see them again, although even then I would say that's a bit of an overreaction. As in, was this a literal observation on their part, or was it said with animosity? Because on the face of it, t sounds as if they're parroting the feelings of your boyfriend, and you're giving him a massive pass on this. He sees you for you and isn't worried about your weight, but his parents are surprised and they were expressing this amongst themselves. They did say OI FATTY when you walked in, I assume.

Him blocking his parents over something they said in private about his current girlfriend is actually madness. If he were wanting to be an adult, he would say "hey she heard you both when you were talking about how I used to not like big girls, and that made me look bad so I'm just going to deflect by blocking you, ok?"

No honestly I have always been a plus size (up to a size 32 at one point in my life) , I certainly think it is you as a person not your size that matters.