Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

its an embryo! Not a baby.

The OP has options and asked for opinions.

I think you are right to tell him OP, but while you will obviously discuss things please don’t feel pressured by him. I am sure he’ll need some time to process anyway.

I lost a parent as a child, so I am not wading in blind here. I understand fully that in many ways 3.5 years is yesterday. But I have noticed that in many cases when men are widowed and become single parents to young children, they quite often do move on and not with a much longer window. My DM never remarried but speaking to her recently about a guy in his 40s who is building a blended family with a similar window, she was fully behind it saying that he was young and had to get on with his life, and that the children would likely benefit from a maternal figure.

Now I know whatever happens here you’re not going to be rushing into moving in etc, but for those saying terminate because it’s too soon for his family to move on…well…if it isn’t OP it could well be someone else, because this is what very often happens.

Fair enough that you need to tell him, but doing it before deciding whether to keep the pregnancy suggests that you think he might say something to make make you feel confident about having the baby. Nothing he can say is likely to avoid the shock and upset to his children and yours.

Hope tonight goes well OP and congratulations

Absolutely true. But likely a new girlfriend will be introduced gently, and not with - I’m sorry to be blunt - a baby bump. You couldn’t even turn to your kids and say “you’re my priority, if you don’t get on with her, the relationship won’t go further. A pregnant girlfriend is a fait accompli.

Tbh I really can’t see how this would work out well.
Either:

1. you tell him and he’s against it, you have an abortion which you don’t seem to want and then the relationship is likely to end.
2. you tell him and he’s against it, but you go ahead with it, this will obviously create a lot of tension in both households.
3. you tell him and he wants it and you start a life together. This is likely to cause difficulties for all of the existing children given the history. 5 children in one household is a lot for one family especially for an autistic child to deal with and you are not yet at a stage were you know if the relationship is compatible long term.
4. you tell him and he wants it, but you remain living separately whilst the children get to adjust to the situation. Still probably going to be filled with tension, but probably one of the better option.

I think you should wait a bit before telling him because it's very early days and you may miscarry anyway (not that is of any comfort, but it happens to almost 1:4 early pregnancies.)

I find it so sad so many posters would have a termination without telling the father. It's the woman who obviously must have the final say but it is his baby too. If you're keeping it I'm sure you'd want him to cough up. Wanting it all ways is not a good look.

@Donaldfo I hope the talk goes okay. Give him time and space and don't worry if he chooses to leave to think things over. He's about to get a big shock, you've known for a while.

Thank you, I am so fed up of reading post after post of people telling ops to terminate their baby's like discarding an old crisp packet. Horrendous.

I'm an optimist by nature, and I can lean towards the romantic occasionally. However, some of the 'advice' on this thread is verging on deluded, and would be almost amusing were it not for fact that we're talking about the feelings and futures of two grieving young children, and two other young children, all of whom are relying on their parents to create a stable, secure, loving and safe home for them.

The existing children in this situation need to be placed front and centre and any decisions need to be made with THEIR feelings made the priority.

OP, you mentioned wanting a third baby, and if that's a driving factor for you, then tread carefully. Your decision needs to made independently of this man and his children. You can obviously keep your baby if that's your wish and you can provide everything your family will need, in every sense.

If this man is to be part of your future, then you need to resist the temptation to rush it all into a 'blended family' shape because of your pregnancy - for the sake of the children involved.

I’m not expecting him to propose or anything – I just want to be honest and give him the chance to respond

It's alarming that this idea even came into your head- 8 weeks in (and ok you were friends before) and you are even having a thought about getting married.

Sorry but you're getting way ahead of yourself with this.
Being blunt he may regard you as a fling or a bit of fun (it's possible even if it's not the case.)

Or No.5

You tell him and he wants it, and you remain living separately hoping that your children adjust, but they don’t. Maybe your children adjust, but his don’t and and he slowly pulls away, leaving the baby without a proper dad and a difficult relationship with his half siblings. Or your children look like they adjust to keep you happy but don’t, which will manifest itself in other ways as they get older.

or everyone adjusts and lives happily ever after. And the credits roll to a still photograph of everyone jumping in the air.

Good luck OP. You both sound like nice people, I hope you come to a good outcome for everyone involved.

Sometimes there are no good options. No one would choose a termination if they could turn back time, but if OP goes ahead with the pregnancy it could cause serious trauma to two bereaved young children, and to her own kids, one of whom has special needs.

Termination is the lesser of two evils here.

Yet another pill pregnancy - only on MN......

Oh dear what an awful mess for the kids to have to deal with.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Yes obviously that’s a possible outcome of 4 - but at least it gives the children some space to deal with it without being forced to become a family unit all of a sudden.

Please don’t do this. Appalling advice. Whatever you decide about the pregnancy, if you have any respect for this man please be truthful and you can decide the way forward together. If you do stay together, you’ll have to live with the secret forever and there is always a risk he will find out. You can’t build a relationship on a lie.
best wishes to you OP

This is what I would do too. It’s not wise to have a child (a real, life, living and breathing human) with someone you describe as not being ‘serious, serious’ with.

Who says they are building a relationship? He will categorically never find out, unless OP tells him.

Not true. I’ve known it happen in real life. It’s rare, but it does happen. It happened to my old boss on the combined pill. She’d been married and settled for a few years, already had one child who was about one or two, and was planning on a second at some point (just not yet), so it wasn’t a disaster for her and she happily proceeded with the unplanned pregnancy. But she was a bit WTF?! We know it’s possible for the pill to fail, we just never think it will happen to us.

There is always a risk of him finding out. Terminations are not always without risk or ramifications.
Whatever they ‘have’ or may or may not build, it’s an appalling way to treat another human being. If they do continue seeing each other, the OP will have to keep her secret, which may or may not be hard for her going forward. So sad that you think this is a good way to encourage another person to treat someone

If you want to keep the baby, for goodness sake keep it. Terminating it will destroy you. I honestly believe people adjust pretty quickly. Particularly children. You can tell them in steps where 3 weeks feels like six months. First you are dating, then work up to them sharing a baby brother or sister. Babies bring such joy that all the inconveniences are worth it.

Cani ask how old you are. If you terminate this pregnancy it does not necessarily mean no more babies if the relationship works out.

If the relationship has any legs (& it sounds like it does) then this is a joint decision not a MN decision.

End of.