Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

Quick update after speaking to him – thank you again for all the input, I’ve been reading everything even if I haven’t replied to every comment.

I told him earlier this evening. He was quiet for a second and then asked if I’d be willing to take another test with him so we could be 100% sure. Fair enough really. He said he couldn’t just sit on it all night wondering and wanted clarity. He popped out and came back with one of the Clearblue digital ones, and I did it. It came back saying Pregnant 2–3 weeks (might’ve been 3+ but I was a bit shaky by then tbh).

He just looked at it for a while and said “Right… ok.” Then went really quiet for a bit. I didn’t push him. He said he hadn’t really thought about having more children, same way he hadn’t really imagined being in another relationship again. I totally get that, I felt the same. I was quite content on my own with the kids and just focused on family and work. But we started talking more over time – I’ve known him since our youngest boys were in reception, from parties and playdates and chatting at pick-up – and things just grew from there.

He did say he’s worried about how his wife’s family will take it. They’ve always told him they just want him to be happy, and they’ve been supportive of him getting back out into the world again. But he admitted tonight that now something’s actually happened, he’s not sure if those words will still hold. I didn’t say much to that – it’s his to navigate – but I listened.

He asked me what I want to do. I told him I’m still figuring that out but leaning towards keeping it. I didn’t push for a reaction and he didn’t give me one straight away, just said “Ok, that’s fair” and asked if we can talk more tomorrow when it’s had time to settle. So we will.

Just to clear up a few things some posters have mentioned – I wasn’t planning to get pregnant. I know some seem to be reading it like I’ve just gone after this with some kind of agenda, but I was taking the pill correctly and we used condoms except that one time. I really didn’t think this would happen.

I know his boys are incredibly important to him, as is his wife. He still wears his wedding ring and I’ve never had an issue with that. He says it would feel strange to take it off and I completely understand. This doesn’t take anything away from her.

My own kids are my first priority too and always will be. If this relationship ever did clash with what’s best for them, they’d come first, no question.

Also worth saying I didn’t start this thread to ask whether I should have an abortion. I understand why people want to give that perspective, and it’s helpful in a way to hear the blunt truths, but that wasn’t what I came here for. I just needed a space to talk it through and figure out what the hell I’m doing.

We’re going to speak again tomorrow when the dust’s settled a bit.

I think that you are doing the right thing by having a talk about it with him. I would struggle to keep something that is such a big decision from someone who I might have a long-term romantic relationship with. You both accidentally made a baby, so having an adult and open conversation to decide what the best way forward for everyone is going to be best, even if it's awkward. I wouldn't take anything to heart if he doesn't respond the way you expect, at first. Give it some time for you both to work out how to move forward. It's not a simple decision and people react in many different ways when they are in shock. At the end of the day it is your body and you can decide to have the child by yourself, if you want a third child, but being respectful of his feelings is a good way to start in my opinion. Good luck and hope it goes well for you.

I'm so happy for you, he sounds lovely (so do you), and yes, it's a situation with lots of pitfalls, and potholes to negotiate and avoid, but - it also could be so lovely.

I'm hoping for the very best for you both.

At least you've had a sensible conversation. He hasn't run a mile. He hasn't kicked off. He's pretty much reacted as you expected.

@Donaldfo This is difficult to do, but I think it makes sense to look at the most challenging scenario and work from there.

If you keep the baby and your partner isn't in favor of this, how will you manage day-to-day? If he decides to be hands-off like your ex, will you be able to manage? What about your work? Can you afford childcare?

Of course, it may not turn out like that at all, but best to think of the most challenging scenario and work from there.

Glad you've talked about it OP. At least you can both think about how to navigate the situation now.

He sounds really nice. I hope things work out for the best for you both, whatever the best turns out to be.

Even if it’s not strictly an 8-week relationship because you knew each other before things turned romantic, it’s still early days to be making major life decisions together.

My child has lots of playdates too, but that doesn’t mean I’d want their dads moving in — however lovely they might be.

There’s definitely something to be said for the practical side of things — shared school runs and life admin can be appealing. But personally, I’d probably see getting pregnant so soon as more of an unfortunate situation to navigate rather than a stroke of good luck.

If you do decide to tell him, I suppose that means you're thinking seriously about keeping the baby and exploring a future with him. And if that’s what you want, fair enough — just be mindful of how it might all play out if things don’t go smoothly, and you split up/don't get together.

Your kids knowing each other and going to school together could make things more complicated down the line. Just worth thinking through the longer-term practicalities, for you and for both sets of children. If you got pregnant within 4 weeks of having sex for the first time together, while being on the pill, and possibly while wearing condoms, this bodes well for his and your fertility, should you end up together and choose to plan a child together. I wouldn't let circumstance dictate your and your kids' future, in such a new relationship and in such an awkward set up, personally.

Don't get a termination unless its the right choice for YOU. No one else, not his family, not random posters on here, not anybody unless its deep down the right decision for you.
You both tried to use protection, it failed, now where you go from here is entirely up to you. Just go with your gut xx

Congratulations @Donaldfo I hope everything works out for you all xx

@Wavescrashingonthebeach I don't think a gut reaction is the right one given that she already has two children. Difficult though this is, it needs to be a practical decision as to whether she can parent three children alone.

Glad that you've spoken to him, OP.

All the best

Tell him and see what he thinks. An abortion is really not a simple fix. How would you really feel knowing a viable baby had been aborted? How would he feel? People seem to think these decisions are simple, 'just get a termination', but they really aren't and you have to live with them forever.

You sound lovely, and so does he. Two caring and reasonable people, you will do well.

False positives are very rare but if you are using condoms and the pill then a pregnancy is so unlikely I would go to the gp for a check up as there are other things that’ can cause a rise in hcg levels apart from pregnancy. Can I just check - do you take any medications? The pill you take - is that a combined or a progesterone only pill?

Yes that’s what I thought too.

This. I wouldn’t be able to do it to those two little boys. 💔

Oh bless you, it's such a tricky situation for all involved x

Massive kudos to you both - love that you are both kind and empathetic towards each other, and whatever happens or whatever is decided, it seems that you both will give each other space and compassion.

Lots to navigate, but seems as if you both are honest giving each other grace in a very unexpected situation.

Hear hear! Yes it's a lot for you both just now but you are both clearly devoted parents to your respective children, whose wellbeing is a priority. This could mark a happy new beginning for everyone. Good luck OP 💐.

I read your post with interest .. I am SO Sorry to say this but I think you are absolutely mad and really not thinking straight !!! This Man is recently widowed with a young family and believe me .. ' They are his priority I'm afraid, ' not you . You really need to be realistic here and not so selfish .. get back to the real world and think of his children and yours .
How do you even know he would want this , he is obviously still grieving and you can't even see it . I don't want to hurt you but I really do speak with conviction here .. I myself am recently widowed and my children are older than his , there is absolutely no way would I be ready for a situation like this with a woman I barely know .. Get a grip .. this is not a ' Fairytale ' . Sorry if you don't like this answer but as an outsider I see it for what it is .. WRONG ...

Don't do anything yet.

See your GP, get a proper test. I don't know how old you are but it has been know for peri- to cause false positive pregnancy tests.

Then you can slowly decide. You have a good few weeks before termination isn't an option.

Don’t do this to his kids.

OP, are you equipped, in every sense, to have a new baby? Alone, I mean, not with this man. Unless you have every faith that you can meet the needs of your three children emotionally, financially and practically, WITHOUT this man, then think VERY hard about your options.

IF he becomes part of your family picture in time, then fine, but that needs to be separate from the decision you make now.

I think you're right to have told him OP, but I hope you're prepared to accept his decision if he doesn't want this baby.