Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

Worse than being a single parent she would have blown up her budding relationship with new man, affected her children’s relationships with their close friends, created a very public situation out if what had been private, and forced the bf to accept (or reject) a new child. Its way too much.

Yes you can get irregular bleeding or spotting even if you take the pill 100% correctly, but you still can't use that bleeding to predict ovulation or conception and I'm concerned that OP doesn't seem to know that. Most pills work by inhibiting ovulation.

@WHYherewhyNow They don't know that diarrhoea or antibiotics means you require a back up method,

Severe diarrhoea or vomiting, yes, but the only antibiotic you really need to worry about is rifampicin. Most antibiotics won't affect the pill.

If you keep it be prepared for people turning nasty. You will be accused of trapping him. It takes two, but a lot of people decide to forget that. He’ll be the poor vulnerable widower, and you’ll be the grabby harlot that prayed on him. It’s awful, but people are awful.

Many posters here have experience of being part of a blended family - either as a child or adult. Most of us know that being in a blended family can enhance a child's life and be a wonderful, joyful thing.

The difference here is that the OP has been in a casual relationship with this man for 8 weeks, and the children's mother has died. Those are important factors that make this situation much harder to navigate.

So, is he aware you were off the pill the time you didn’t use a condom and came inside of you?
If so, he must be aware, as he has children, how easy, and how hard it can be to conceive. He might even be wondering - we had sex w no birth control, OP could be pregnant. Men have awareness of outcomes of unprotected sex, they know what can happen. The convo won’t be a surprise.

If you were on the pill, it will be a surprise as odds are slim.

What was his awareness of your being on or off pilll the no condom event.

He had sex, he knows that can make babies from that, contraception or not .

'We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious'.....
Serious enough to have sex. Thing is, there is no 100% safe contraception and sometimes a baby is the result of sex. And - this goes against the majority of opinion on Mumsnet, but the 'my body - my choice' needs thinking about. The new little developing baby inside you isn't your body. It's his or her body. And although it's not viable outside your body until around 23 weeks, it's human. It's not a disaster. It's a miracle. Congratulations!

This is such a difficult situation. It’s very early days for him. He is pretty vulnerable here. I wouldn’t be going ahead with this pregnancy but accept that is absolutely your choice. The other thing that would concern me is school parent relationships. I work in a school and it’s an absolute nightmare when this happens. It’s very hard and difficult on the kids with a lot of repercussions. Think very carefully how you approach all of it.

I’ve read through only two pages of the replies and I’m shocked and appalled with the number of people recommending you to have a termination. WTAF.
You’ve been careful, and still fallen pregnant - the poor baby inside you now doesn’t deserve not to have a chance at life because it’s “inconvenient”. Have the baby, and give it an amazing life - if the guy is involved then great.
You got this OP - don’t take for granted how blessed you are 💜

I think you are right to tell him OP, whatever happens and whatever you decide at least the future whatever that looks like is built and based on honesty. I hope whatever happens turns out to be right for all involved and wish you well

Really, see your GP regarding your pill prescription. Something isn’t working right for you. On pill, should know when to expect bleeding …. Which are not actual periods. Is possible this is why you got pregnant, this prescription isn’t preventing ovulation or possible you are missing taking some days and ovulation occurs.

It would be very selfish to go ahead with this pregnancy, for the sake of your children and his children

I don’t think this is a 50/50 chance that things will/wont work out. This isn’t a rom com. She’s trying to decide whether to continue a pregnancy with a man she’s been dating for eight weeks, where they intended to double up on contraception, in circumstances where there are four young children, two bereaved and one with additional needs.

i totally get her asking for advice- a surprise pregnancy can really throw your head all over the place. But really, us ladies that are one step removed (and have probably been round the block) are just telling her essentially what is up in flashing neon lights and is being shouted from a megaphone. Yes, there’s a chance it’ll work out - like there’s a chance I’ll win the lottery. There’s always a chance. But objectively it is much more likely this will be a disaster and mostly for the children, who deserve so much better.

Lots of people are pointing out how difficult this might be emotionally for his children. While I don’t disagree with this, I think you should also be prepared for how this might bring up a lot of emotions for HIM surrounding his wife. At some point, this is going to trigger memories of his wife being pregnant with their boys as she’s the woman he chose to have children with and marry. It’s one thing feeling ready to move onto a fling with you; it’s another thing entirely to deal with the fact he’s got someone who isn’t the love of his life pregnant. This may be too much for him and will likely cause him to reconsider your casual arrangement.

What about the actual children who already exist? They are not just an inconvenience, they are real people who will be affected by the decision. Do the existing children not deserve an amazing life? Unfortunately letting this pregnancy progress into a baby will hinder the chances of the existing children to have an amazing life. They have been through too much upheaval and instability already. Resources will be very short split amongst five children. Two on each side plus the baby.

You have absolutely no way of knowing that the existing children wouldn’t have an amazing life - you’re making baseless assumptions. Whereby terminating an unborn child would 100% mean they’d never get the chance.

I know that, you know that, but people can be real arseholes. Are you old enough to remember the way a 20 something Monika Lewinsky was globally reviled for being taken advantage of by the most powerful man in the world? Things have improved since then but there are still a lot of people who will always blame the woman. I just think OP needs to be prepared to be on the receiving end of a hell of a lot of abuse if she keeps the baby. It’s all very well in theory holding your head high and saying you know the truth, but in practice this sort of thing can be extremely distressing to be on the receiving end of. I’m genuinely worried about the potential fall out for OP because, as I said, people can be real arseholes.

The way I see it, you were using two forms of contraception, which means you did not want to get pregnant. Therefore you should have an early termination and never tell him.

I think you sound pretty laid back and cavalier about this situation honestly. It's pretty much a disaster and you've both been pretty foolish to lurch into it. As other posters have said you need to consider the children you already have and what's best for them. Having their worlds implode in 9 months time isn't it.

It's not a baby yet it's an embryo

Bit too late to discuss your Pill but it sounds as if it wasn't working if you were bleeding at odd times. Assume it was the combined Pill and not the POP? As the POP has a much shorter 'allowance' for taking it late or missing it.

I'm sorry you're in this dilemma but I think it's far too soon to have a baby with a man you've dated for 8 weeks (regardless of the friendship before that.)

It's really going to mess up your friendship/ dating.

If you split up (regardless of baby or no baby) you are still 'tied' at the school gate and there will be an awful lot of gossip about you both.

Maybe you can handle that?

I really don't think that wanting a 3rd baby is a reason to keep this one.
He's not said he wants a baby and he'd be no more than a sperm donor.

Given you were trying to avoid conceiving (for all the right reasons) I think you know the answer.

Neither is ideal - keeping it or not- but one is certainly better than the other.

I worry that you have really fallen for this lovely sounding guy, but that he sees you as someone he enjoys spending time with at the moment rather than as a potential mother of his third child.

And even if he’s falling in love with you, it’s still a tangled situation with two bereaved children in is midst, who will and should come first for him until they’re in their late teens. It may be the case that they’d be really excited to have a baby sibling and to share that status with your kids, their friends. But equally, they may be unsettled and sad.

There will always be people who think that every child born to every person is a blessing to everyone involved. I love the positivity of this and I don’t want to disparage those people because you need a bit of that in the world. It’s just not, well, reality.

The real question to ask is would she have chosen to become pregnant at this point? Like if someone stood in front of her a week ago and set out the likely path of continuing with the status quo, or they could clap their hands, make her pregnant, and the pros and cons of that, would she have chosen it?

of course you can say that conception has already happened and that changes everything. But that’s only if you would never have a termination. If that was her belief, she wouldn’t be on here asking for advice.

sorry I’ve quoted the wrong post and can’t seem to change it! It was Dolly34’s post I meant to quote

OMG I think this will be a disaster !! You barely know him, your kids have already had to deal with a separation , he most likely doesn't want more kids , his kids have lost their mum , you have a child with autism who might need extra support- so many issues !!!
If there is ANY chance this relationship might continue I think you should terminate . Much better for all concerned .

It's not a baby yet, it's a few cells.

The 'baby' deserves a stable home where 2 adults made a conscious choice to try to have a baby, and one that fitted in with their existing families, where they'd chosen to be together for the rest of their lives.

This is not it.