Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

In my experience, the widowed men who have moved on and started second families while their kids are still fairly young end up with their kids from the first family being messed up or going low to no contact or moving in with mom's relatives. Even the ones over 18 tend to feel replaced.

@Somerdays

That was quite lovely.
I’m very sorry for the loss of your first husband and the tragic circumstances of his illness and you and your children having to soldier through it.
It’s amazing how we can summon up reserves of strength we had no idea we had - isn’t it?
I’m happy for your happiness in your current life.
You deserve it.
Sending love from California ❤️

A surprise new baby for a lone parent is not necessarily a disaster at. It happens often and the vast, vast majority of those babies are very loved and make their parents and siblings lives better. And just because this guy is widowed doesn’t affect that.

As for his kids, while losing their mum was really sad, it happened half a lifetime ago, for the younger one. She’ll never be replaced but a long term relationship for their dad, a half sibling and potential step siblings are not necessarily things that would harm them. I love my half sister to bits and my life would be poorer without her.

Good luck tonight OP. You’re right to tell him.

This.

I would think very very carefully. Blending families can be messy for children at the best of times, but this has so many added complications and trauma.

In my experience, the widowed men who have moved on and started second families while their kids are still fairly young end up with their kids from the first family being messed up or going low to no contact or moving in with mom's relatives. Even the ones over 18 tend to feel replaced.

This is a relationship of 8 weeks. Knowing someone as an acquaintance or casual friend is very different from being in a romantic relationship with them.

Have you really had a think about repeating that crap cliche?

It's such nonsense on so many levels at best, and downright offensive on many more levels at worst.

Aye right!

I'm glad you are going to talk to him, it is something you should discuss and come to a mutual agreement with.

He is widowed, but it doesn't mean he cannot move on and built a new future, it will just need to be done carefully with the children in mind.

Good luck and congratulations

Don’t do anything rash that you might one day regret.

Take your time, and slow your head down.

Good luck 💐

You've been seeing him for 8 weeks and I wouldn't really call it a relationship. You were using condoms and on the pill, he probably thought he was covered. Is it strange I feel kinda sorry for him? You sound deluded. As if he's the perfect man. Mentioning you weren't expecting a proposal, means the exact opposite!
Good luck though, i hope it turns out OK for everybody involved.

I imagine he will be horrified, then think you were lying about being on the pill (I would in his situation) and then regret not using a condom. My guess is it will kill the relationship, but I could be wrong.

I think you are deluded. A romanticist and somehow, one way or another got pregnant. Good luck.

I would get a termination tbh, for mine and my children sake more than anything else. Two months is nothing to be tied to someone for a lifetime. I wouldn’t be going ahead with that, there are existing kids to think about.

My feeling is - and it may well be wrong - that a large part of you wanting to tell him isn't because 'it doesn't sit right not to,' but that you're hoping this news will propel your relationship somewhere you'd like it to go.

There is literally no sensible reason to tell him. He cannot be part of your decision as he is not in your life - and crucially your children's lives - in a meaningful way.

You need to make this decision yourself, for your children and your life independently of him. A pp said that the decision needs to be ALL about the children involved here and NOT about you or this man: I agree with that 100%.

I’ve had spotting, and withdrawal bleeds when I haven’t taken the pill at appropriate times or skipped it altogether.

Sometimes, blended families just work.
I wish people would stop shit talking them like it doesn't happen.

I know of a fair few who grew up in a blended families and as adults they still willing spend time as a family and enjoy that time.

I came from a blended family. If we'd have stayed with my biological father either myself or my mum would be dead. My siblings are just that. None of this half or step crap.

Our family is quite spread out now but we still come together once a month. I wouldn't have it any other way.

My oldest son has never lived with my wife & I and our two sons but they adore him although they are now mid teens.

They are Autistic but he's their safety blanket and will go anywhere with him - not me!

Continuing this would be so unfair on the existing children. I don't know why you would even consider it.

Please don’t do this to him or these children.

I rarely post on ‘abortion or keep’ threads. The decisions are too hard and too personal. But here … god the poor boys’ grief and upheaval.

Out of interest, are you widowed/a member of WAY or a similar support/social group for people whose spouses have died? Because I am, so I am close friends with scores of widows/widowers and am on good terms with of friends-of-friends with hundreds more, and I don't recognise this characterisation at all. Perhaps in older generations - as I've got a friend whose elderly dad remarried shortly after their mum died, and had a baby with a much younger woman, and it affected his relationship with his adult kids who thought it gross. But I haven't seen that/heard of it at all in my generation. Of course, presumably it must happen, but I don't think it common at all for widowers to make their dependant kids miserable by having a "second family" or for the kids to go to live with extended family.

I've looked at the data, too. Compared to lone parents whose previous relationships ended through divorce, widowed lone parents are significantly more likely to remarry/enter a new longterm partnership, and to go on to have further children.

We usually have our kids 100% of the time, and people we date know that we don't get every other weekend off from parenting, or whatever. So of course we're prioritising (even if subconsciously) looking for someone who might be able to become a loving step-parent (or at least positive adult role model) in our kids lives, and those we're dating know (even if subconsciously) that if this relationship thrives they'll inevitably end up a step-parent. For me, having a 'second family' was never an option - DH2 would have to be excited to join my first family, and able to love all my kids, or this wouldn't work out. And that's what I see in families who've experienced parental bereavement, over and over again.

The advice we give each other at WAY socials (and that I gave OP, above) is to keep talking - to each other, to our kids, to our widowed friends who've been there done that- and most of all, to an experienced family therapist. Grief is terrible and complex and life-sapping in many ways, but it's not the worst thing a child can go through. All the kids involved can be supported through this major change.

OP, I think you sound grounded and mature in your approach. Idk why so many people seem keen on terminating the pregnancy and telling him nothing—I think you’re completely right in your reasoning there.

And it’s a bit rich the number of people assuming continuing the pregnancy would necessarily be damaging to the kids you and he already have. They don’t know you, they don’t know him, and they don’t know the kids. Of course it could be damaging, but that’s far from a given. Equally it could be wonderful, or—more likely—somewhere in the middle.

Tell him and see how he responds. That should clarify things a bit. Ultimately I think you’ll know then what’s right for all of you and will follow that course, whatever it may be. Good luck!

The first thing I would do is make sure this is my decision , not based on a mumsnetter option . I had a child with someone who already had kids and he was worried how his kids would be affected … well surprise surprise they ADORE their sibling and their lives have been made so much better for my son. A child can be a blessing .

Of course there are two sets of kids , that is more complicated . Make the decision based on being a single parent potentially and if you do become a family don’t rush , take it slow .

I wouldn’t have a child with someone I wasn’t in a serious relationship with ie living together, finances sorted, met family etc.

I would not countenance blending a family whilst pregnant. Way too much upheaval for children who have to get used to new partners and the a new sibling and no respite from it at school.

Your kids don’t even know you are dating, you can not just throw a surprise baby sibling on them 😂

That's great, but in many situations it doesn't go that way, especially given his two dcs aren't just children of divorced parents (difficult enough to navigate), but children who have lost their Mum. They haven't even had a chance to get used to op in a relationship context with their dad, let alone a baby too. I'd be scared they think their dad is replacing their family. It'll take a lot of work.