Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

A new relationship, a five child blended family, and an almost immediate "accidental" pregnancy.

Recipe for disaster. Those poor bloody children.

This exactly.

This thread is basically a split between adults who believe that children should be prioritised by their parents when making decisions that will impact their lives and adults who think kids’ needs are superfluous to their own and therefore the selfish wants of the adults matter than the needs of the children.

It's not one new sibling though it it? It's three. I'm sure the kids involved will be thrilled for about five minutes before the novelty wears off.

The OP came here on AIBU for 'thoughts'.

Unless she's tone deaf, she would know opinions would vary and some would be very harsh.

Most of the 'termination' comments are from posters saying they would take that route.

You, a bit like the OP, seem to be seeing the 'bright side' of this focusing on 'Oh, it can all work out fine' rather than accepting the facts that on balance, all the factors here make another baby very unwise for numerous reasons.

There are two boys already (hers) who see little of their father- (a huge factor in the development of boys and educational achievement.) If this baby is another boy and ends up without a father who's around, that doesn't bode well.

There's not "always room for another" though is there? What a stupidly simplistic view of life.

We no longe relive in slums, there’s always room for another one.

There are thousands of children living in poverty, most in single parent households where the parent relies on the state.

You must have missed all might’ve comments about OP planning this, about the ‘accident’ and the man’s income, as well as the one about it being in Take a break. She asked for advice- that isn’t advice.
You might think going ahead with the pregnancy unwise, I think it can be worked through positively given there are millions of single parents in the world who are successful parents.
even if OP did need some benefits fior a while it’s hardly the crime if the century. Also the dad doesn’t get to or out financially so I’m sure the baby won’t starve

The fact of the matter is that OP is not financially secure but the man is. She is pregnant after starting to sleep with him in May and claiming to be on the pill.

They're the facts. What you interpret from them may differ from what I do.

It is interesting that his first thoughts are of his wife's family and of the school mums. He has been widowed for 3.5 years so it's not outside the realms of possibility that he would be embarking on a new relationship. I think they will understand this.
The far bigger fish to fry are the children. I think yours may get their heads around it ok but the bigger issue is with his children. It could be that they end up hating and resenting you and this new baby. It is something you really need to think carefully about. You don't have the luxury anymore of slow and steady introductions and time for them to get their head around the changes. It will put a huge amount of pressure on an already tricky situation.

They are facts.
The facts are also that the man chose to have unprotected sec with his girlfriend knowing his circumstances and how babies are made.
The OP setting out to do this deliberately or non accidentally (which is what has been stated and Insinuated) are not facts.

She’s not his girlfriend. No one knows they’re even together.
He was very stupid to trust her and believe she was taking the pill. I agree with you on that.

I just want to reiterate what I said earlier in case it’s got lost in all the comments as it’s fairly important - to get pregnant on 2 forms of birth control is so very unusual that it might be worth seeing your gp as there are other health conditions that can cause a high HCG level and give a false positive on a pregnancy test.

I’m sure that few begrudge someone “moving on”, but he hasn’t voluntarily moved on - he started dating and then that date announced she was pregnant after 5 minutes.

Exactly. The posts about "he has a right to move on, he shouldn't have to stay single forever" are missing the point. It's not as though this is a case of a widower finding love again. Everything the OP has posted, especially the part about him asking her to take another pregnancy test in front of him, suggest he isn't that into her and certainly doesn't want the baby.

Yes – I am in a relationship. We’re just not publicly in one at the moment. That doesn’t mean it’s not real. We’re seeing each other, we care about each other, we’re exclusive, and it’s been building for a while now even if it’s been under the radar. The boys have playdates and see each other and we’ve known each other for ages from the school run and kids’ birthdays. This didn’t just spring out of nowhere.

Ok, you both consider yourself in a relationship. But it is a very, very new relationship by any reasonable persons standards.

You keep talking about the fact that you saw each other for playdates, chats at the school gates and birthday parties before you got together as though you think that means you've skipped several stages and it's not a new relationship really. But those are just things you do with acquaintances from your kids school, they don't signify intimate knowledge of the other person or any kind of commitment, let alone readiness to have a child together. You've never lived together, or even been on holiday together. It's way too soon for either of you know with any degree of confidence that your relationship has a long-term future let alone whether it will withstand the test of a surprise baby. The fact that the children enjoy playdates together doesn't mean this won't absolutely turn their worlds upside down either.

You clearly want to keep the baby, so I understand that there may be a part of you that doesn't feel able to acknowledge how messy this situation really is. I can understand trying to put a positive spin on things. But the level of upheaval and disruption that the arrival of this baby will cause for both your children is really significant and it's not something that has featured heavily either in your posts or your boyfriends side of the conversation as you've reported it.

I totally agree with this!!!!!!

Op you need to rule out an ectopic pregnancy, this is absolutely essential.’
Thank you to pp for preserving with this. This has happened to me, and comes up on a test as a normal
pregnancy. Just to be safe.

I didn’t say it was. Just that what you said was factually incorrect.

Trap him? This isn't the 1950s. He is as much responsible for this situation as OP. The woman-blaming is unbearable. Let's do better

She told him she was on the pill.

He was very stupid to trust her so implicitly, I agree.

Id have an idea about what I wanted to do before I told him. I wouldnt lay out options if I knew I wanted to continue the pregnacy regardless or him and if i wanted an abortion i might decide not to tell him at all

You might think going ahead with the pregnancy unwise, I think it can be worked through positively given there are millions of single parents in the world who are successful parents.

The fact there are millions of single parents doesn't mean it's a route that's advisable here for the OP and her children.

All the research shows that children thrive best in so many ways when they have two parents and that boys especially need male role models.

Some single parents have no choice- their partners die.

You have zero factual evidence that it can be worked through positively. It's just your own rosy coloured glasses where you're happy to ignore all the negatives for e sake of an argument.

The OP already has 2 children without a resident father who is not involved much with them. Are you seriously suggesting that having another child with another man will make this a better situation?

They've known each other 'intimately' for weeks. As someone else said, she's got a courgette in her fridge older than this relationship.

I agree with this.

I accidentally fell pregnant a year into a relationship , and I was fully prepared to have to go it alone, as it turns out my (now) DH was all in, and 15 years later we are still happy together, but we had no previous marriages or kids etc so the only people we had to consider was ourselves and new baby, I’m afraid to say that your situation has absolute disaster written all over it and you are mooning about like a teenager romanticising a relationship which has barley even started.

I don’t think this man’s reaction bodes well for your future together, and that’s before you even begin to consider how the other 4 children will be affected by this. so I really think you need to consider your options very carefully.

Best of luck.

While I think this situation has potential to be an absolute disaster and, being completely logical, a termination is probably the sensible option, I also know that I would struggle to make that decision.

I’m nearly 50 and a wheelchair user. I was completely incapacitated in late stages of pregnancy with both my kids, couldn’t look after my eldest while pregnant with my youngest, couldn’t even look after myself for the last month, DH had to stop work to care for me. My kids are now secondary age and I am finally earning again, it’s been a long and difficult road to get here. Another baby now would be devastating. We’d potentially lose the house. Our existing kids are ND and need extra support and would struggle with the arrival of a new baby. I would lose my job. I would also by physically damaged by carrying a baby and take years to recover or may not ever fully recover. It would be a complete disaster. But I know I would really struggle to have an abortion. I’m very much pro choice and have supported friends when they’ve had abortions. But I just don’t know if I could personally do it.

It’s great that we’ve reached the point where women can access abortions when they need them and there’s no shame in it as far as most people are concerned. However, that does not mean you can assume that a woman will just be okay to go ahead and have an abortion when the circumstances of her pregnancy are less than ideal.

OP is the one who is actually pregnant here. It is not okay to pressure someone into a termination they are unsure about.

There’s reading between the lines and there’s completely making up your own narrative.
I don’t know the OP personally and neither do you. That’s why I am taking her posts at face value.

Do you usually imbibe a completely opposite meaning to everything that is said to you? If I told you I loved puppies would you assume I actually hated them?