Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

“If they decide”

Theres no “they” in the decision to be family or not

At the end of the day, the decision is hers and the bullying in this thread for her to terminate the pregnancy based on the man’s situation has been awful.
The OP is an experienced parent and if she wants to go ahead with the pregnancy I am sure she is fully prepared that the Dad may not want to participate.

No one is bullying her. Why say that? Having an opinion that is based on the circumstances is not being a bully. I wish posters wouldn't fling that word around. Making a point is not bullying.

And the idea of a termination based on the man's situation is not what has been posted. Everyone has said how ALL the children will suffer and have questioned how she would cope with a 3rd child when she already has two and one is autistic.

She's an experienced parent. What exactly does that mean? She is actually a single parent to 2 children now.

I don't think she is prepared for the fact the man may not want to go ahead.
She's been asked how she could finance another child, how she would cope emotionally etc. She's not engaging with any of that and what she does post sounds like some romantic fantasy. She's not engaged with any of the comments saying it may be very hard.

She barely knows him! She knows his job title and that' s it.

And as for him being a decent man, we only know what she's said and she's wearing rose coloured specs.

Do people really make life decisions based on what busy bodies at the school gate might or might not think?

It's not relevant to the OP if the grandparents aren't thrilled. How they feel is up to them.

Why do you think OP would expect her boyfriends children's grandparents (on the inlaw side) to babysit her own children? They won't be related to even OPs child of her pregnancy). They will be their grandchildren's half sibling and step siblings though so hopefully they could be pleasant and warm at family get togethers.

Of course there is. They will only become one family if both OP and her partner decide to move in together etc. If either person doesn't want to move in together they won't be one family although they may co-parent or continue to be in a relationship.

Opinions at the school gate do matter when all the children are at that school, two of them in the same class. If it's tricky at home, there will be no respite at school either. Kids pick up on what parents are saying, and 7-10yo boys aren't always the most tactful. It should be a consideration, even if not a deciding factor.

If OP continues this pregnancy, she is choosing to become family with him and his children, without or against their consent.

OP calls it …. “bit of a situation …”

wonder if the baby daddy thinks same.

Looks to me like the “one time” they did not use the condom, is after they discussed exclusivity. Clearly the understanding was, she’s on the pill and not sexing anyone else. No STD worry.

Not, you’re not seeing anyone else, it’s ok to get pregnant.

(OP thinks it’s “connection” after this convo. )

Is the man in this situation doing same box ticking as OP, OP “qualities”?

She’s kind
She has 2 boys
She has a job but it’s not enough to buy a house

Or is his box ticking-
shes nice but not what I’m looking for long term
Shes a bit old
Shes got 2 kids & an ex
Kids in same school - not ideal if things go sour

Honestly - he’s kind & I like him … that says whole lot of not much,

just don’t understand point of posting this “situation” other than she is excited about her baby mama drama.

I am very much struggling to understand the scandal. Two single parents get together. Barely the interest of a moment in terms of gossip. No one had an affair. Where is this drama coming from?

"Did you know Frank's mum has got together with Tom's dad"
"No"
"And she's having a baby"
"Wow that was quick"
"Yes super quick"
"Don't forget it's swimming kit tomorrow"
"Yes thanks for reminding me"....

What is the big deal?

It's nice for you that think that's the worst it could possibly be.

The kids do know her, that’s been very clear. They just don’t know that her relationship with their dad is more than friends.

OP, you are handling this so well. You both sound like lovely, thoughtful, caring people. All you can do is what you think is best, with the best intentions. I hope as you process this, your gut tells you what to do xx

this is stupid comment - I am not disputing she is getting her period at odd times - I am saying that's its not right that she is. There is a lot of endo in my family and I have family members who take the pill consecutively to avoid periods for months so I am confused how if she is on a normal 28 pill packet how she is getting her period during the times when her hormones should be at a level to maintain her womb lining for 21 days. An idea situation would have been that she go back to the GP to discuss why. Maybe she was missing them or not taking them at the same time everyday - obviously too late now though.

Op wish you all the best with whatever decision you make.

I don't know how OPs 'story' is all over the place? She's answered questions in a measured way throughout.

You thinking this about money says more about where your priorities would lie.

You clearly also have no idea the cost of raising a child vs the amount of maintenance you receive, especially when the NR parent has two children already to support full time.

OP - 'I don't need or expect a man to keep me, I'm independent and already raising 2 children alone'.
You - 'You got pregnant for a couple of hundred pounds a month maintenance and to steal his dead wife's money' 🙄

This thread is an education, it really is.

The alarming 'advice' to the OP really does explain the kind of threads that we see posted here everyday by posters who were not prioritised by the adults in their lives when they were young children.

The OP has chucked in a few lines about 'we're obviously thinking about the children...' but actions matter far more words here.

I've posted this upthread, but if you want to keep the baby OP (and everything you say points to that), then provided you can provide for all of your children financially, practically and emotionally ALONE, then crack on, I wish you well.

Is that your situation? If you're brutally honest with yourself? You can provide for all three (or four, who knows?) young children yourself, without the need to lean on this man? Because you need to assess ALL possible outcomes, not just the rose-tinted ones.

Exactly this.

I despair at MN sometimes

It’s still not a great situation though is it

i think it is bullying, the OP has clearly said she would like to keep the baby and so many people have demanded she answers questions about her circumstances and told her she should have a termination which is repeated targeting of a vulnerable person.
Experienced means to have experience of- which the OP obviously has. Not sure what being a single parent has to do with it? If anything, she’s used to doing it alone.. so if matey decides to disappear then I’m sure she will be more than able to cope. She hasn’t indicated otherwise.
Lots of people can’t finance another child, but they make it work and short term can get UC until they’re back on their feet. If OP wants to keep her baby, she will work the rest out.
Many happy healthy children come from less than ideal pregnancies. It’s really not the end of the world.

It isn't bullying. Words have actual definitions and this doesn't fit.
From what I've read most posts are nothing to do with termination. OP is reading it as such because it's easier than taking off the rose tinted specs.
Hoping it isn't the end of the world isn't good parenting, and nobody should be pretending it is.

i think it is bullying, the OP has clearly said she would like to keep the baby and so many people have demanded she answers questions about her

Disagreeing and putting the other side is not bullying. I think 99% of posters have been very measured even when they have identified this as a shit-show.

Also, the OP has not clearly said she would like to keep the baby.
She has said she is leaning that way but has not yet rushed into a decision.

Experienced means to have experience of- which the OP obviously has. Not sure what being a single parent has to do with it?

LOL How can anyone be a parent and NOT be 'experienced'! Unless they have newborns.

Being a single parent is very relevant.
It means she is going to look after 3 children on her own (unless the man decides he wants to be with her for the rest of their lives.)

It also means she will struggle financially (she doesn't earn enough to buy a home.)

Her boys do not have a resident father.

If you can't see the importance of all of that, words fail me.

You're clearly Team OP and we'll have to agree to disagree with how we think on this.

Well said @Digdongdoo

I’m not team anyone- I’ve just found a lot of what I’ve read here a bit ott.
She might be a single parent to 3, that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t keep the baby.
Also not earning enough to buy a house at the minute means not a great deal given the cost of living.
If OP wants to keep the baby, these things aren’t deal breakers and can be worked around. Many people have accidental
pregnancies in messy situation, that doesn’t mean they should have a termination or be so heavily criticised. The suggestions she planned this to keep the man or get maintenance feel like bullying to me and are incredibly unfair and unkind

The insinuations that the OP set out to trap the 'poor guy' and is happy to wreck the lives of the children are not pleasant.

It's her choice. We don't know the full circumstances. She may be extraordinarily resilient and be in a position to give a third child a great and happy childhood, alongside the existing children. Her boyfriend had choices before the pregnancy, and now has some new choices. I'm sure they will all make the best of it. It's up to them.

Why would the kids suffer, they are getting a new sibling, one by the sounds of it will be very loved and welcomed.

Why the pity? Have you thought that maybe the OP is a kind and gentle soul who does not wallow in self pity, who will raise another amazing child?

We no longe relive in slums, there’s always room for another one.

It doesn't sound like he wants the child from what you've said about his reaction. So if you're happy being a single mum to a 3rd child that's the main thing to consider. Best of luck with your decision

dear @Donaldfo you might want to get this thread taken down as it's turned so speculative and spiteful, you've got enough to deal with and think about, all the best xx