Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

A loving step mum could absolutely help those children. A new sibling could absolutely enrich their lives. But it has to be done appropriately and those relationships have to find their feet in time. Introductions need to be slow and respectful, not sprung on them out of the blue.

Loving stepmum?

He’s secretly been having sex with her for a few weeks.

You’re jumping the gun a bit.

Everything is so romanticised. The way you talk about the future and your ‘relationship’ is very teenage. You just want all the positives and none of the potential reality and definitely no considering the children you already have.

It’s patently obvious that your mind is indeed already made up, you will be having the baby and all will be rosy.

My reply was how the family was about meeting someone new

I personally think this is a little blessing for all of you 💐

Don’t listen to the ridiculous negativity on.

New life brings hope and joy and is never regretted in the end. It’s the alternative which is very often regretted over a person’s whole lifetime.

Take your time and don’t be pressurised by anybody.

I think him telling the wife’s family that he has met someone /you is a good idea

esp if you and kids going to spend time over summer hols together

I hope they give their blessing

till you have lost a partner you just don’t know how you will feel /act

the grief and loss is terrible but everyone deserves A chance to love and be loved again

I agree with @DorothyandtheWizardry that I expect the gp have given a lot of help with their gcs.

I’m sure that few begrudge someone “moving on”, but he hasn’t voluntarily moved on - he started dating and then that date announced she was pregnant after 5 minutes.

The OP might be a lovely person and the perfect stepmum, but if I were a grandparent I’d be mighty unhappy about how this would affect my gcs .

Also from the tone of OP I too am slightly suspicious of the “oops” pregnancy. I bet that bloke rues the day/night he didn’t insist on a condom.

The whole thing sounds very Take A Break - new fella new baby.

I've never regretted the abortion I had.

Just here for a bit of support really. It must have been a shock for you both but it’s not a terrible situation by any means and it has the potential to be really good.

He seems like a lovely guy and you seem kind, sensitive and sensible. I’m
sure you will make the right decision between you.

Best of luck.

They will be shocked and I feel that anyone would have a great deal of empathy for them in this situation.
That shouldn’t impact on the OPs decision in terms of whether or not to continue with the pregnancy, The Dad’s expectations of them of grandparents to the new baby is irrelevant.

There are a couple of things here that I'd like to know and OP hasn't answered one of them which I think does have a bearing on it all.

You agreed to use condoms. Is this because you and him had concerns about STIs- had he been having sex with women in the last 3 years since his wife died?

Had you been having sex since you split with your ex?

Did you mutually agree to practise safe sex?

If it wasn't about safe sex and about contraception- doubling-up- that says a lot about his concern about avoiding a pregnancy.

Did he know you were taking the Pill? Did you have doubts about whether it was working (your periods were all over the place?) Was he not convinced the Pill was enough?

You could of course have used the morning after pill if you'd been worried about the no-condom sex.

The second thing that you've said is that it wasn't 'serious' (your first post.)
You said you'd had a couple of 'dates' - not just sex or a FWB set up.

But overnight, it's gone from not serious to him saying you 'may have a future together'.

I'd be worried about a man who said that after 8 weeks of dating (and yes, we know you've been friends at the school gate for a while.)

It makes him sound flaky, unstable, or just trying to appease you by saying what you want to hear.

How do you feel on that?

Loving stepmum if they decide to become one family.

They have not told the children about their relationship yet. They haven't "secretly been having sex" as they are both free agents able to do what they like.

Should they be hanging a flag out the window "people having sex here!"

It's not about the OP and her decision, it was about the man telling his parents and their reaction.

But that’s not true is it? Plenty of parents have hugely regretted having a child. There’s never a guarantee they’ll be without issues, whether that’s physical, mental or emotional, and subsequently that affects everyone in the family, and it’s not for everyone. OP already has an autistic child, significantly raising the odds of having another, a risk that rises with every year either parent ages. She has no idea how he would behave in that situation.

OP, I think you have got some very rose tinted glasses on. Can I suggest you both do some counselling so you can truly understand how you both would handle the really difficult issues that will inevitably arise, and how you intend to resolve conflicts as parents. Are you on the same page re: vaccines, diet, hobbies? Both sets of kids are still in that sweet age of being semi-independent but very attached, but you have no idea what the teenage years are going to be like for any of them. Personality shifts can be quite dramatic and extremely challenging.

I don’t disagree with you in terms of how the GPs might feel, but essentially that isn’t really going to be a consideration for the OP when deciding whether to continue with the pregnancy. Yes, the dad might find it an awkward and difficult conversation but that isn’t the responsibility of the OP.
He did voluntarily move on when he took the decision to have unprotected sex. If a man doesn’t want a baby he can prevent himself from making one.

Yes that will be a difficult conversation for sure.

The OP is pregnant.

Surely pro-choice means the pregnant woman's choice. It doesn't mean it's OK to bully a woman who thinks she wants to keep her pregnancy towards have a termination.

The OP has said she is likely to want to keep the pregnancy. Nobody else gets a say and continuing to push OP to terminate now after the OP has had 30 pages of it and said she doesn't want to hear any more about it is bullying.

People should take a step back and think about what pro-choice means. It means OP's choice not yours.

The OP is discussing it with HIM and if he can be supportive.
The impact on his life in terms of child care and the reaction from his parents is very real.
You appear to be missing the point that his parents' reaction will possibly influence HIS and his reaction ay influence the OP.

In terms of unprotected sex, he presumably thought the OP was using the Pill and this wouldn't happen. It's very unlikely to fail and when it does, it's often because of pill-failure (not taking it at the right time, having a tummy bug, etc etc.)

Yes, he was wrong, but OP isn't 'guilt free.'

@Donaldfo , this part stood out to me:
I don’t even know his exact income – I just know his job title and have a rough idea from that. I’ve never asked. It’s not my business right now.

Do you believe it’ll be your business? Do you believe you’ll have claim to his dead wife’s finances? Are you sure part of this is not about the money? You seem all over the place with your story, but it all comes out in the end.

I wonder how the OP is going to cope as the pregnancy progresses and she faces the prospect of attending ante natal appointments and potentially giving birth alone. Being a single parent and working is full on so he’s not going to have much time available.

It’s obvious he’s not ready for this level of commitment and was probably wanting to test the water with something much more casual.

Setting a baby trap is not unknown. I’ve known three women who’ve done this and it’s not ended well.

Of course no one can influence the OP - she’s made her mind up. But I expect we reflect the school-gate views.

And the grandparent issue is relevant as I really don’t think any of them are going to be best thrilled with this - as a pp mentioned, will childcare/babysitting now comprise five kids instead of their two grandsons?

OP as you have no idea how far along you are, are you 100% certain that he is indeed the father?

If a man doesn’t want a baby he can prevent having one. If he’s assumed then that’s on him.
The OP was also careless, as she has admitted several times and been berated for.
At the end of the day, the decision is hers and the bullying in this thread for her to terminate the pregnancy based on the man’s situation has been awful.
The OP is an experienced parent and if she wants to go ahead with the pregnancy I am sure she is fully prepared that the Dad may not want to participate. From what she’s said, he’s a decent man and regardless of circumstances they will make co parenting work.

The fact they might not want to babysit isn’t that relevant to the op though, who will ultimately be making the decision about the pregnancy

How do you feel about your BF OP? Do you love him? If he's not 100% behind you in your decision, whatever it is, it's probably curtains for your relationship.
It comes across like you've trapped him, even more so when you say that he earns well, owns his house etc, you were on the pill but it failed (most unusual). That may not be true but be prepared for people to think it, him included.