Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

Did OP say 2-3 weeks pregnant on test results area … but it’s possibly 8 because that was first sex but with a condom. Not sure she said when the unprotected sex was …..

nz.pinterest.com/pin/7810999349005077/

The OP didn't want advice. She wanted to be patted on the head by the "ooh, a baby, congratulations" and "do what's best for you" crowd.

I can’t see that the wife’s family will take the news of a pregnancy a few weeks after being told he’s in a new relationship very well at all. It sounds like he’s not told them about you and is now thinking shit! I best tell them now so I can later tell them she’s pregnant. It will be obvious to her parents that you were pregnant when he told them about you. It might work out okay but the odds are against it sadly.

Does autism run through your side of the family or your ex’s side? I’d be worried about having another child who might also have significant additional needs. I say that as someone who is ND and has 3 dc that are also likely ND who even without significant needs when they were 5 and under, suddenly needed a lot more input especially in the teenage years. You could potentially be doing this alone and you need to prepare for that possibility. I’ve raised my son alone from the get go and I have no regrets but it’s bloody hard now that his needs have ramped up.

There's always one, isn't there?

"A baby is always a blessing". "It was meant to be." "Everything happens for a reason..."

You’ve been seeing him since mid may.

You’re not his girlfriend.

I’ve got a courgette in the fridge I’ve had as long.

What a shitshow.

2 children, bereaved.
1 child ND.
A short, uncommitted relationship.
A bloke who is at the very best, luke warm about the pregnancy.

There is a rational decision in this that would work out better for the children in all this (and probably for the OP), but seems like she's made up her mind.

Congratulations OP, I'm sure that it will work out perfectly!

You asked for opinions.

It's no good saying some posters aren't listening when they give opinions you don' t like. This is AIBU and you have chosen to post a very contentious issue on a part of MN that is renowned for straight talking. You could have chosen to post in Relationships or Pregnancy. You wanted 'traffic'.

In fact you're asking if you're unreasonable - so what is the unreasonable?

As for the baby – I’m keeping all the kids in mind. His, mine, the potential one. That’s exactly why I haven’t rushed into any decision. There’s still a long way to go. There’s always a miscarriage risk early on and I don’t even know how far along I am at this point.

You said you thought you were 2 to 3 weeks pregnant . That means you have missed one period by a few days.

I'm sorry you're going through this but your posts seem full of contradictions. I'm not you, but if I were, I'd not even consider going ahead with the pregnancy. His children and mine would be foremost in my mind. It's not fair on them however much you fantasise about it being happy families forever.

You say now you're in a relationship (another contradiction) but your first post said it was very casual We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

You change your posts according to the criticism that's posted.

I really don’t think this board was the right place for the OP to post this.

If I was in OP’s position, I would 100% get a termination. But I don’t want any more children, never did and have never experienced a miscarriage so my circumstances are entirely different.

I don’t think it’s fair to say she is being selfish. Her posts read to me like she is absolutely trying to figure out the best decision to make in a very difficult situation. Nowhere do I get the vibe she is thinking “I will do what I want and fuck everyone else”

I also think she’s been pretty patient on here considering how hormonal she must feel and how stressed she must be and is now getting some awful accusations launched at her.

I feel bad for all of them. For the OP, for all the children involved and for the her DP too. Don’t forget, she only found out very recently - only told her DP yesterday. She needs some time to think and decide and ponder etc - as does her DP. On what planet would anyone launch such horrible insults and snarky comments at a woman in such a horrible situation??

Some of these replies are fucking wild.
Op, I hope you are ok. You aren’t the first person to have an accidental pregnancy in less than ideal circumstances and you won’t be the last.
im not sure why people are insisting you should have a termination when you sound like you want to keep the baby.
I also don’t understand the hysteria around his deceased wife’s family. She’s been dead years and he was bound to move on. Yes it happened quickly but really, it’s non of their concern. Their only concern should be his kids, who will still be looked after by a loving and supportive parent.
It’s sooner than ideal but it doesn’t have to be a disaster if everyone is mindful, respectful and considerate.
OP doesn’t even have to move in with her boyfriend yet, so each home could remain as it is to an extent.

I’ll be honest , I’d be horrified if my dad told me he got a woman I don’t know pregnant before we had even been introduced. And I’m almost 40 not 10.

Nowhere do I get the vibe she is thinking “I will do what I want and fuck everyone else”

That is exactly how she comes over to me but she tries to cover it up as she knows it won't go down well.

We all read between the lines differently.

I would expect that reaction from a 10 yo, or a teen. Not from a grown adult though. Surely by 40 you know that these things can happen. Horrified seems a strong reaction, I'd be asking myself why my dad didnt feel he could tell me.

@Grapewrath she died 2years and a bit ago. You clearly don't understand grief. 2 years is nothing.

We also don't know how much childcare his parents are giving. They may be fully involved in his life and looking after his children.

Assuming they are in their 60s or 70s, they may be very shocked he's got a woman pregnant- one they have not met and who he's only dated for 8 weeks.

I'm broadminded but that would shock me.

thats grand that you wouldn’t expect it but I am sure that type of reaction isn’t unusual in any age group but particularly children. Why would you be asking yourself anything if it’s no big deal? And I wouldn’t be forced to deal with the consequences unlike the poor existing kids. It’s just incredibly selfish.

Clearly you just want people to say “keep the baby, crack on, it’ll all be perfect”, and you’ve obviously decided to keep it. The irony of you saying you don’t think you could handle an abortion after two miscarriages but totally ignoring the extreme upheaval this will have on his two young sons who lost their mother and are expected to accept a whole new family, and baby sibling in about 8 months time. Baffling.

Please don’t assume what I know about grief.
His wife’s family are entitled to feel whatever they want, however they aren’t entitled to dictate how or when he moves on, regardless of any support they provide.
His responsibility is to his children, not their wider family.

Agree OP. This is not a committed exclusive relationship that started the end of May.

I know that they don't begrudge the chap finding a new partner as OP has said as much.

Also to add it doesn't really matter what they think. They can be told sensitively but if they declare "no you should not move on or have anymore children you useless twerp" nobody need take any notice.

You said you thought you were 2 to 3 weeks pregnant . That means you have missed one period by a few days.

@DorothyandtheWizardry

I think these needs said again. And again, and again. A few days late for a period.

well of course they can, but the only one that counts regarding risk of pregnancy is the woman's, and they are usually fully aware of that.

2 years is nothing...
In this scenario, I would be the sister of the wife who has passed away and I have a teenage nephew who lost his mum two years ago last week. It's no time at all, I agree. My darling nephew has a two counselling sessions per week and a social worker, plus the family always and unconditionally looking out for him. None of this is or will ever be enough.

@Zellycat - sorry I was referring to the relationship, not the late period. (Or if she must have it, pregnancy.) I said something like she'd been having sex with him for 3 weeks but it is 8 weeks. All of 8 weeks.

Jesus, I can barely write that down. Someone old enough to have two kids, a job, a household, whose been having sex with a bloke, has irregular periods, oophs gets pregnant and is "leaning towards" keeping it.

Some very lovely friends of mine lost their son about 7 years ago now, their DIL has a new boyfriend, was over 5 years after but they still cant accept it. GC arent that young either but they arent wrong to feel like that, no time is probably enough for them. Its horrible to have lost a child but it doesn't mean their DIL should never move on.

I didn't say they had the right to dictate what he did.
Either consciously or not, you're twisting what I said.

I said they would be shocked- which is what he has said.

The connection between support they offer now and the new baby is that he may assume they would also help look after a 3rd child if he co-parents.

Of course it's dreadful to lose your mum. But can a loving step mum never add to a child's life rather than take from it?

I believe so anyway.

Perhaps a good relationship with a loving step mum would have eased your friend's pain a little. Perhaps her deceased mother would have been grateful she had a loving step mum in her life too.