Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

Further … whilst this reads like a school-gate meet cute from a rom-com… the reality of the next 10 years is anything but predictable.

Firstly, there are the scan & stress of pregnancy which maybe you think he will want to share. He might attend, but maybe not, or attend but not want to. Birthing partner … maybe not. Building the cot, buying stuff?
Taking paternity leave to be there for you and baby? Sharing care. Maybe not.

He may actually have another person in his life & you just don’t know. Maybe they are having a break- you just don’t know. You don’t know his 5 year plan, anything.

During your pregnancy … he might meet-cute someone else. She might have kids already. Then there’s his, hers and yours. They might want 50/50 - holidays separate from yours. They might move slightly away from you to a new school. His job might take him to new location. 50/50 - there’s a stepmum raising your child.
Or you meet someone else, and he doesn’t like your new partner.

Do what you like, but know your posts read like you know him really well. But you don’t know his family, his friends or much about him at all. This all makes it much easier for the relationship to break down or either of you to disengage.

The two of you are no longer “dating” you are now having a baby. And it’s going be difficult to know if either of you are doing things together because want to, need to or think it’s expected, or just going thru the motions.

You expectations should be at zero.

Parents don't automatically become monsters when they have another kid. People will be dicks about whatever they like, they can also choose not to be.

There's so much odd carastrophying happening here.

Is it the not same parents thing you have a problem with? I think family is what you make it, not following a prescription.

Is this situation unconventional? Yes.
Is the end of the world? No.

@Donaldfo As the saying goes, What's for you won't go by you! You both sound like lovely, respectful people. Both thinking of everyone and not just what's best for yourself! And with the precautions you were taking, just maybe this baby is meant to be? They sure put up a good fight to get here!
I can't believe how many peoples first reaction is to terminate 😕
Anyway, just sending some happy and positive vibes. I'm sure you will make the right decision for all involved ❤️

Christ, this is upsetting, when you lay it out so clearly. The poor wee souls.

I wrote upthread about my friend "J" and how her mum died when she was 4. I knew her all my life and not having a mum was such a huge part of her. She would hang on to the scraps she had, some photos, a pair of her mum's shoes, she would listen intently to every word anyone said about her mum. She was so jealous of me for having my mum (not in a bad way and as I said in the previous post I did not blame her one bit).

When we were about 13 we tried, ridiculously, to have a seance so she could talk to her mum, she would have given anything and everything to hear her mum's voice, to get a chance to talk to her. She was living in the same house her mum died in at the time (I remember thinking when I was a bit older thank God the seance didn't work!)

She took me with her to her mum's grave a few times. J never got over the loss of her mother, and it affected her throughout her entire life. I moved away and haven't seen her in a decade or so, but yeah - the loss of a loving mum is an absolutely devastating event in a child's life. Incomparable. Any relationships must be managed slowly, carefully and with great empathy and caution for the sake of all the kids, but especially those who lost their mum.

The bottom line is, blended families happen because adults don't want to be on their own, for a variety of reasons.

You understand precisely the points being made despite your best efforts not to, so I would prefer not to keep repeating my perfectly clear points.

That’s exactly what his family and the wife’s family will be thinking though. Condoms didn’t work, pill didn’t work, decided against an abortion and here we are.

But I did, and yes I thought it was pretty clear.

She's now saying he stayed, and presumably they didn't talk about it again, which sounds painful and awkward, but ok, I accept that I quite understandably misunderstood.

It is very convenient.

Just popping back on again – wanted to say thank you to the posters who’ve been kind and non-judgemental. I know it’s a messy situation and it won’t be everyone’s cup of tea but some of the support and honest, balanced replies have really helped me get my head straight.

Just to clear up a few more things that keep coming up:

Yes – I am in a relationship. We’re just not publicly in one at the moment. That doesn’t mean it’s not real. We’re seeing each other, we care about each other, we’re exclusive, and it’s been building for a while now even if it’s been under the radar. The boys have playdates and see each other and we’ve known each other for ages from the school run and kids’ birthdays. This didn’t just spring out of nowhere.

As for the baby – I’m keeping all the kids in mind. His, mine, the potential one. That’s exactly why I haven’t rushed into any decision. There’s still a long way to go. There’s always a miscarriage risk early on and I don’t even know how far along I am at this point. I'll be ringing the GP next wee. Right now I’m trying to just take it step by step. We don’t need to figure out everything immediately – that would be stressful and unrealistic.

And no – I didn’t get pregnant for money. I don’t want his money. I’ve raised my two just fine on my own and was in no way looking for a man to bankroll me. When we started talking more and he first asked if I wanted to get a coffee, I had no clue what his finances were like. I knew him from school, not his payslip. It’s not what attracted me and still isn’t. He’s kind, thoughtful, funny and a brilliant dad to his boys. I genuinely enjoy his company and feel comfortable with him in a way I didn’t expect. I don’t even know his exact income – I just know his job title and have a rough idea from that. I’ve never asked. It’s not my business right now.

He did say he’s going to tell his wife’s family about us first – not the pregnancy. He thinks that would be too much for them to take in all at once and I agree. It makes sense to wait. We both said we don’t want to tell anyone else until after the 12 week scan anyway – it’s early days and we’re both still working through our thoughts. I’m undecided but if I’m totally honest I don’t know if I could go through with a termination, not after the two miscarriages I had before. It’s a lot emotionally and I just need time.

Again, thank you to the posters who’ve taken time to listen instead of just judge. I know it’s not simple but I’m doing my best.

Absolutely wishing you and your bf all the best. You both sound like wonderful people and I am sure all will be well.

You’ve obviously decided to keep it - he has no choice, his kids have no choice, your kids have no choice.

Obviously it’s your body and your decision but it’s very clear you’re doing this without any consideration for any of the other people involved.

I hope those poor kids are ok but sadly doubt it.

I suppose there might be the very odd rare case where kids actually are pleased to share their lives with strangers and half siblings, anything is possible.

I don't think it's that rare. Met DP, we both had children from previous relationships. Moved in together, had a baby that all the kids were so excited about (his ex also got married to someone with a child and they went on to have another 2).

SC have now moved and are young adults, they still see each other as siblings even though not blood related, and mine have said the years they had with them before they moved were the best times.

No issues with our combined DC or their Mum's either because they're siblings (cannot stand when people try to make them lesser because biologically they only share one parent).

Assuming you all only have 1 child or waited until your first was old enough to ask them if you were allowed to have a 2nd child?

The biggest upheaval is living together which the OP has not even mentioned. It's up to the adults to make sure they are child led on living arrangements. If any of the kids are unhappy then it absolutely should not happen, you can be in a relationship without living under the same roof.

Not everyone can easily terminate a child. This has happened and it's up to the 2 adults to do everything to ensure their existing children feel secure that this new baby will not take anything away from the love they already have - it's when people don't do this that problems happen. A baby is another family member, someone else they have in their corner as they go through life - no different than if 'full' siblings.

The depth of both the relationship and the single discussion are increasing with every post. I do hope it all works out but you need to take those blinkers off and think about the bad stuff too asap. For the kids sake. It can't just wait. You don't have the luxury of time to think.

Will you be okay if the relationship doesn't last? Does he have capacity to be a good co-parent event if things don't work out between you?

Good luck. Life isn't always straightforward. It doesn't sound like how you would have planned it, of course, but I think many of the responses here have been unfair. Yes, he and his children are bereaved, but it's human to want a relationship, and life is short. He hasn't behaved badly, and neither have you. You haven't done anything wrong.

The women he might otherwise have met in their late 30s/early 40s would often have had children of their own, and likely wanted another. So you haven't 'inflicted' something inconceivable on him.

I hope things work out well - life isn't a fairytale and it will be hard, but it will be what you make of it.

You don't like to be questioned, I see that.

I think this thread shows very clearly that people are different, and we all bring our own past and experiences with us to the table. Some people are able to relate to circumstances and personalities very easily, and for others it's harder to do that.

That will always be the way. My experience lets me understand that this needn't be the terrible situation others are certain it will be. Others have had different lives and so see other possible outcomes. That's no trouble. The problem comes when people emphatically decide that it can only be one way and reject all other opinions.

I wouldn’t view someone as rushing into a new relationship if it’s been three and half years since his wife died. I understand his worries about what people will think but you would hope they would be nothing but happy for him to have found happiness again. The kids are the priority and navigating this in the best way possible for them. I wish you all the best and hope everything works out well for you all.

@Donaldfo please stop justifying yourself and ignore any twat on here that is posting a dig rather than advice. You need to make the right decision for you, your DP and the DC, not the decision that any random stranger on the Internet says you should make. I think you've handled this tricky situation with grace and honesty and as a team with your DP and I think if you can continue doing that then whatever decision you make will be the right one and you should let nobody tell you otherwise

I feel so sorry for:

a) the two boys who have experienced the death of their mother and their father’s grief
b) this man, who has watched his wife die (I’ve made the assumption it was illness), and whilst grieving has had to not show it too much to his two kids and give them as much stability as possible
c) your autistic 10 year old, who may well be tail-spinned by this
d) your youngest.
e) I have a tiny bit of sympathy for you for not wanting to terminate, but any sympathy would evaporate if you put everyone through this.

you say you wanted a third baby. These are not the circumstances in which you have another baby.

Besides, we don’t always get what we want.

Anything could happen. You could have twins. You could have a child with complex needs.

You are 3 weeks???

How is someone she’s been seeing for 3 weeks a partner? He’s not even a bloody boyfriend.

I've just come on to send you and your DP a hug @Donaldfo - you're both coming to terms with something that has huge implications for you and your families, and your futures, together or apart.

It's a bit of a curve ball, no doubt about it, but from the way you talk, and the way you talk about him, I have no doubt that you'll make your decisions thoughtfully and considerately in the time available.

Take care of yourselves and your young-uns, and don't feel you have to update us on every step you take, unless the responses (from all angles) help you to process everything. xx

Very well said @Zellycat

There are some absolutely awful posters on here, have made up their own narrative which doesn't match anything like what the OP has posted. This is someone's life, do people seriously decide to terminate without a second thought. I cannot believe people advocate for lying to the partner in this situation either.

@Donaldfo sounds like you are exploring the options together as it should be. I hope you can work something out together that is the right thing for you and your families.

Sorry that should have said 8 weeks, not 3.

I’m glad you wrote it. Because I was definitely thinking it