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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

1000 replies

Donaldfo · 04/07/2025 13:09

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

OP posts:
Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 15:14

lazyarse123 · 05/07/2025 15:09

It's shocking that on a forum mainly for women quite a lot of pp are just desperate to drag the op down. Making stuff up to suit their agenda.
She hasn't asked for opinions on whether or not to continue with the pregnancy so just stop telling her to terminate.
As for the ones saying she's trapping him that only works if he's willing to be trapped and why would you bother? If he doesn't want to stay he won't and op is aware that she may end up alone but it's not wrong to hope for the best.
I for one wish her all the best.

See you're doing the same thing as the op. Not looking beyond the potential relationship with the man. Which in my opinion is the very least of their issues.

EnidSpyton · 05/07/2025 15:19

I've read your update, OP.

You clearly really want to keep this baby.

I would just encourage you to remember that there are already four children in existence for whom the arrival of an unexpected sibling is going to be hugely disruptive - especially as this baby will be arriving in a few months and they don't even know at this point in time that the two of you are in a relationship. It's going to be a massive shock to them that you two are dating, let alone that they're about to have a sibling.

Someone upthread said that people say children are adaptable and resilient but that's not true - they just have to go along with whatever their parents inflict on them because they have no other choice. I couldn't agree more strongly with this.

As a teacher, I have witnessed so many children be emotionally damaged by poor decisions made by their parents. Children need stability and security to thrive. Marriage breakdowns, shared custody, managing estranged parents' relationships, dealing with the pressure to 'side' with one parent or 'choose' one parent, having to move between two homes constantly, having to welcome and live alongside a random stranger when their parents get into new relationships, having to play happy families with step siblings they never wanted - and so on. All of these situations can cause a huge amount of distress and anxiety in children, who are being asked to handle situations and emotions they lack the maturity to cope with.

The minute you have a child, you have to put their needs before your own.

Please consider these four children, first and foremost, before you consider yourself. You can control your living situation - they can't. They are vulnerable and entirely reliant on the choices their parents make. All four kids have already been through a lot. Is it really fair to throw a new relationship and new sibling into the mix as well?

DorothyandtheWizardry · 05/07/2025 15:20

lazyarse123 · 05/07/2025 15:09

It's shocking that on a forum mainly for women quite a lot of pp are just desperate to drag the op down. Making stuff up to suit their agenda.
She hasn't asked for opinions on whether or not to continue with the pregnancy so just stop telling her to terminate.
As for the ones saying she's trapping him that only works if he's willing to be trapped and why would you bother? If he doesn't want to stay he won't and op is aware that she may end up alone but it's not wrong to hope for the best.
I for one wish her all the best.

Have you bothered to read the first post of the thread @lazyarse123

OP says this-

Any thoughts appreciated x

Thoughts= opinions , don't they?

You wrote - but it's not wrong to hope for the best.

She doesn't know what the best is.
Hence asking for thoughts.

If you think her 'best' is a blended family with a man she barely knows, and the impact on his children, it looks as if you don't have much understanding.

Boddica2000 · 05/07/2025 15:26

Boddica2000 · 05/07/2025 08:37

Children don't accept difficult new circumstances, they just tolerate them. This "children are adaptable" nonsense is something adults tell themselves when they choose to upend their world. I mean, they don't die from most selfish adult choices, and they will adapt in the sense that anyone adapts to things that make their life more difficult - but it doesn't mean they will ever be happy about it.

What children will adapt means is children are powerless and forced to tolerate bad adult decisions. Bad adult decisions don't improve over time, but children learn to shut up about their unhappiness because they have no choice, or get angrier and angrier over time.

I suppose there might be the very odd rare case where kids actually are pleased to share their lives with strangers and half siblings, anything is possible.

Being forced to share resources and time with strangers is very unpleasant and upsetting to adults, let alone powerless children. I have never seen it work out well in the real world, and I have known four blended families who had the best of intentions.

Honestly, on this site it's apparently child abuse to raise your voice to a kid because they will be traumatised for life but by then when you turn around you're being told they will adapt to their whole world being upended forever because - well, because it suits some people to believe so.

The saddest tale I ever heard about kids and sharing their parents was from a man I used to work with, a really nice kind man called John. He and his wife had fostered two teenagers while his own kids were teenagers. The fostered teens were not violent or badly behaved, but of course they had needs as all children do, particularly ones who have been lost their parents.

John and Viv did this with the best of intentions, they truly thought it was the right thing to do. When his son and daughter were in their 20s his own children informed John and Viv that they had thoroughly detested every single second of being forced to share their love and their home and their resources with children they didn't want to know and weren't related to.

They resented it deeply, and possibly forever, I haven't seen John in a decade, so who knows how it all panned out, but they had been holding on to their anger and resentment for years.

John was so shocked by this news, as his kids had always tolerated the circumstances with good manners and decency and appeared to "adapt".

He was in his 50s when they told him and he came in to work one day upset and told a couple of us who got along well with him. He stated that he wished he had not fostered the other kids, because he permanently damaged his own relationship with his own children by forcing them to share love and resources without outsiders.

Now, no matter how much anyone reading this feels the need to launch into a lecture about the sainted angels of foster care and how society needs them - this is a true story and one I am telling here in the hope that the OP will realise that it's not just her kids' lives she is going to make more difficult and less happy.

I'm aware that fostering and blending is different but for John's kids the outcome was the same - actually better since they at least didn't have to put up with strange adults in the mix with power over them as blended kids do.

They won't forget that the OP chose to inflict another family on them. The OPs kids are utterly powerless and there is no plus side for them to this arrangement the OP is planning.

I remember years ago reading a parenting book that explained it quite well. Imagine your husband came home and told you that he'd found you a friend, a companion, a lovely woman to share your chores with and chat to, and she was going to be his second wife. Don't worry darling, you'll get used to sharing, you'll adapt, in the end it wil be the best thing, you'll see.

That's how most kids feel when they're told they have to share their home and lives and resources with usurpers. Many of them lie about it to placate their parents because they are afraid of the repercussions. Some act out. None are happier when forced to share with strangers they didn't choose, though yes many will tolerate it without too much fuss.

Blended families are about the parents not wanting to be alone - in the OPs case she has snagged a good un and wants to hang on to him.

Ok, that's her choice. But don't think it's going to be a fairy tale ending.

And I couldn't read another pointless "kids are adaptable" platitude without responding to that realistically.

Edited

Enough with the cruel, selfish "children are adaptable" garbage. No, they're just powerless. We all adapt to harmful, upsetting things that we cannot control, if we have no other choice. It does not mean they're going to be ok with any of it.

levampire · 05/07/2025 15:26

DorothyandtheWizardry · 05/07/2025 15:20

Have you bothered to read the first post of the thread @lazyarse123

OP says this-

Any thoughts appreciated x

Thoughts= opinions , don't they?

You wrote - but it's not wrong to hope for the best.

She doesn't know what the best is.
Hence asking for thoughts.

If you think her 'best' is a blended family with a man she barely knows, and the impact on his children, it looks as if you don't have much understanding.

I think for all your lecturing you missed this key section:

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

She was asking whether to tell him, and how to tell him.

Not "please blast me with your demands I abort this baby". Or a request for 100s of women to call her selfish for even pondering keeping it.

ZoeCM · 05/07/2025 15:27

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 15:06

And barely a mention of how it may impact any of the 5 children... other than how he might get along with her autistic child. All about the new man.

And it doesn't take much imagination to see why a single mum of two (one of whom is autistic) would latch onto a financially stable widower/loving father as the key to her happy ending.

levampire · 05/07/2025 15:28

ZoeCM · 05/07/2025 15:27

And it doesn't take much imagination to see why a single mum of two (one of whom is autistic) would latch onto a financially stable widower/loving father as the key to her happy ending.

What a vile comment.

GabriellaMontez · 05/07/2025 15:32

ZoeCM · 05/07/2025 15:27

And it doesn't take much imagination to see why a single mum of two (one of whom is autistic) would latch onto a financially stable widower/loving father as the key to her happy ending.

Apart from the fact that you sound vile.

If she had planned it all along, why would she come on here to pretend to ask for opinions?

Fraggeek · 05/07/2025 15:32

Donaldfo · 05/07/2025 14:11

Just popping back on with a proper update and to clear a few things up, because some of the replies have really gone off course.

First off, not sure why a few posters are making up their own version of events? He didn’t leave last night when I said I was leaning toward keeping the baby. He didn’t storm off, he didn’t go quiet and vanish. He stayed over like planned, we watched a film, and it was calm and respectful. No drama. We just needed some space to process it all and that’s totally normal.

Also, can I please ask people to stop telling me I should have a termination? I’ve said clearly that I haven’t made any final decisions. Yes, I’m leaning towards keeping it, but I’m not rushing into anything, and I’m fully aware of the realities. Terminating is still an option. What I don’t need is strangers telling me flat-out what I should do, and calling me selfish when I don’t fall in line. If the roles were reversed and he was telling me to get an abortion, I guarantee this thread would be full of “your body, your choice” comments – and yet, because I’m considering keeping it, I’m selfish?

To the people saying I must’ve planned this because I wanted another baby – no. I did want a third when I was still with my ex, but that was years ago. I had two miscarriages and then we split, and I got used to it just being me and the kids. I was genuinely fine with that. I was taking the pill properly, and we used condoms every single time except one. This wasn’t some trap or plan – it was a shock.

Also – we were exclusive even before the actual “let’s be exclusive” chat. He hadn’t been sleeping with anyone else, and neither had I. I didn’t even think of us as casual before that – we were just getting to know each other properly, taking things slow.

To the person saying he made me take a test in front of him because he doubted me – I honestly don’t think that’s it. There was nothing shady about how he asked. He just said he couldn’t sit with it until tomorrow, went out and got the test himself, and I think he just needed to see it to actually get his head around it. It didn’t feel like suspicion, it felt like trying to get his bearings.

And yes – he’s more financially secure than me. He’s got a solid job, owns his house. I work flexible hours and rent. But that doesn’t mean I got pregnant on purpose to secure a man with money. I’ve raised my two without his help and I’ll continue to. I don’t need rescuing, thanks.

To those saying he’s just “too nice” to say he doesn’t want a baby – I don’t get that impression at all. He’s been open and honest the whole way through. He said he didn’t really picture himself having more children, but he also didn’t expect to fall for anyone again either. He said he’s happy with us, even if it’s all a bit fast. His biggest worry is what other people will say – school mums, his wife’s family, anyone who thinks he’s “moved on too quickly.” He joked “what have we done” when we realised this means being tangled up with school gossip for years. But he wasn’t saying it in a bitter way – just being honest about the reality.

We had a lovely morning, just the two of us, we went for a walk and lunch. He said he does see a future for us. He’s not 100% sure how he feels about the pregnancy yet – but he’s not unhappy either. He said he wants to talk to his wife’s family before anything is said to the boys, which I really respect. He doesn’t want them keeping secrets. He also said that no matter what happens, we could take the boys out together soon – cinema, pizza, the park – something light and normal. With summer holidays coming up it’s the perfect time.

And for clarity – I’m not trying to replace his wife or their mum. I know she’ll always be a part of their lives and I wouldn’t expect anything different. I wouldn’t want them to pretend she didn’t exist. I just want to be respectful of where and how I fit in, if I do.

Thanks to everyone who’s actually taken the time to read what I’ve written properly and replied kindly and thoughtfully. I know this isn’t an ideal situation, but I’m not out here playing games.

I applaud you for such a calm response.

Whatever you decide it sounds like you're both being extremely sensible about it.

I really hope that regardless of any decisions made, that you can look back on this in years to come and know it was the right thing to do.

I also secretly hope in years to come, you pop back to MN with a big "fuck you" update to those who have done nothing but drag the situation down.

ZoeCM · 05/07/2025 15:32

Purplecosmo · 05/07/2025 14:00

Jesus those poor kids being unwillingly dragged into this after losing their mum.

Then it will be a shock when they start acting out and not in line with the perfect blended family op will oh so desire. Op will be back complaining when she realises not everyone will follow suit.

I really hope the school can offer them some counselling

Yeah, you can see this coming from space. The OP's boyfriend's sons get told their dad has got his girlfriend of five minutes pregnant. They're still coping with bereavement (something that will last through their childhood and beyond), and suddenly they've acquired a stepmother, stepsiblings (one of whom is neurodiverse), and a new baby who will take up a lot of their dad's time and attention. They no longer have any downtime, because their home doesn't feel like their own anymore. They start acting out, because they didn't ask for any of this and they feel powerless. And then they end up being scapegoated for ruining the "perfect" blended family.

ZoeCM · 05/07/2025 15:34

levampire · 05/07/2025 15:28

What a vile comment.

Do you really not think there's some truth in it? Even leaving out the financial side of things?

Boddica2000 · 05/07/2025 15:35

ZoeCM · 05/07/2025 15:27

And it doesn't take much imagination to see why a single mum of two (one of whom is autistic) would latch onto a financially stable widower/loving father as the key to her happy ending.

Yep, it took her about 8 hours to go from "I just don't know WHAT to do, please give me advice, I want to explore ALL options, what would YOU do?" and oh no "I didn't want another baby" to "Yeah, I did want a third baby with my ex but it didn't happen" and "Yeah, told him anyway" oh and I am "leaning towards" keeping it despite his clearly negative and shocked response.

I've been trying to avoid the thought that this was planned. I really hope it truly was an accident, because I think she is making an enormous mistake pushing this man and all the kids into this extremely complicated and difficult situation none of them have chosen - and if she planned it, that just makes it even sadder.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 05/07/2025 15:35

Fraggeek · 05/07/2025 15:32

I applaud you for such a calm response.

Whatever you decide it sounds like you're both being extremely sensible about it.

I really hope that regardless of any decisions made, that you can look back on this in years to come and know it was the right thing to do.

I also secretly hope in years to come, you pop back to MN with a big "fuck you" update to those who have done nothing but drag the situation down.

Id love a big fuck you post in 5 years time too. I still wish I could remember the poster who said good grief and a load of awful comments to me when I was pregnant. That 5 years down the line we're happy, stable and together. It hasn't been a bed of roses and we had our own issues to navigate but navigate them we did.

outerspacepotato · 05/07/2025 15:35

I agree with the posters who are saying the children are resilient and adaptable is a bunch of bullshit that adults tell themselves to feel better.

For the most part, children break easily. Then afterwards, the parents scream and cry and say all sorts of if only and it's performative bullshit. If they really deep down put the welfare of their kids first, they wouldn't be doing stupid shit and expecting everything to be fine. And yes, having sex when your periods are wonky on the pill and no condom is stupid shit.

I fault the dad here more than OP. He has kids that have already been through a huge trauma. He chose to have sex without a condom in a brief relationship of a few weeks. Whatever else happens, whatever the fallout, he's going to carry that weight the rest of his life. So will his kids.

Kikingk · 05/07/2025 15:38

EnidSpyton · 05/07/2025 15:19

I've read your update, OP.

You clearly really want to keep this baby.

I would just encourage you to remember that there are already four children in existence for whom the arrival of an unexpected sibling is going to be hugely disruptive - especially as this baby will be arriving in a few months and they don't even know at this point in time that the two of you are in a relationship. It's going to be a massive shock to them that you two are dating, let alone that they're about to have a sibling.

Someone upthread said that people say children are adaptable and resilient but that's not true - they just have to go along with whatever their parents inflict on them because they have no other choice. I couldn't agree more strongly with this.

As a teacher, I have witnessed so many children be emotionally damaged by poor decisions made by their parents. Children need stability and security to thrive. Marriage breakdowns, shared custody, managing estranged parents' relationships, dealing with the pressure to 'side' with one parent or 'choose' one parent, having to move between two homes constantly, having to welcome and live alongside a random stranger when their parents get into new relationships, having to play happy families with step siblings they never wanted - and so on. All of these situations can cause a huge amount of distress and anxiety in children, who are being asked to handle situations and emotions they lack the maturity to cope with.

The minute you have a child, you have to put their needs before your own.

Please consider these four children, first and foremost, before you consider yourself. You can control your living situation - they can't. They are vulnerable and entirely reliant on the choices their parents make. All four kids have already been through a lot. Is it really fair to throw a new relationship and new sibling into the mix as well?

If it was so traumatising people wouldn't ever have more than one child, surely?
Thees a lot of melodrama on here, and a lot of doomsdaying.

Sometimes kids can just be happy and life isn't a traumatic hellhole!

Boddica2000 · 05/07/2025 15:40

Kikingk · 05/07/2025 15:38

If it was so traumatising people wouldn't ever have more than one child, surely?
Thees a lot of melodrama on here, and a lot of doomsdaying.

Sometimes kids can just be happy and life isn't a traumatic hellhole!

But, as you know, nobody is talking about people having more than one child in a stable family with the same parents, the poster you are replying to made that clear.

Digdongdoo · 05/07/2025 15:41

Kikingk · 05/07/2025 15:38

If it was so traumatising people wouldn't ever have more than one child, surely?
Thees a lot of melodrama on here, and a lot of doomsdaying.

Sometimes kids can just be happy and life isn't a traumatic hellhole!

Yeah because there's nothing else to consider here at all. Just a straightforward baby sibling... so stupid.

GreenClock · 05/07/2025 15:41

I have a feeling that despite the oh-so-casual demeanour, this OP is hoping that her fella is going to turn up tonight with a diamond ring and a soppy grin.

DorothyandtheWizardry · 05/07/2025 15:43

I've read your update and to be honest think you're being a bit prickly about the posts you don't like.

You actually sound TOO calm.

This is a really calamitous situation for all involved - you, him and 4 kids.

I think many women would immediately want to revert to the status quo - seeing each other but not with a pregnancy on the table to deal with.

It's not really about you, although you are the one who's pregnant. If that makes sense to you. The fact you'd like another baby, or be pregnant, is almost irrelevant because the circumstances at the moment are not favourable for the existing children or another one.

It's about what is best for 4 children who don't have a say in it.

Most women here think that another child, being born into what is a very casual set-up is not a good idea.

None of us can know what happened with your Pill but you have said your periods or bleeding were all over the place. If you've used the Pill before - and not just for the 8 weeks you've had sex with this man- did you not start to wonder if it wasn't doing its job properly?

outerspacepotato · 05/07/2025 15:46

Kikingk · 05/07/2025 15:38

If it was so traumatising people wouldn't ever have more than one child, surely?
Thees a lot of melodrama on here, and a lot of doomsdaying.

Sometimes kids can just be happy and life isn't a traumatic hellhole!

Has one of your parents died?

If so, imagine that grief and then imagine you're a child under 10 and don't have adult capacity to deal. Your dad is your only security in your life. Then your dad brings home a new woman and is having a kid with her in a few months and the only security you have left is busy with a other kid and woman.

Boddica2000 · 05/07/2025 15:47

Boddica2000 · 05/07/2025 15:35

Yep, it took her about 8 hours to go from "I just don't know WHAT to do, please give me advice, I want to explore ALL options, what would YOU do?" and oh no "I didn't want another baby" to "Yeah, I did want a third baby with my ex but it didn't happen" and "Yeah, told him anyway" oh and I am "leaning towards" keeping it despite his clearly negative and shocked response.

I've been trying to avoid the thought that this was planned. I really hope it truly was an accident, because I think she is making an enormous mistake pushing this man and all the kids into this extremely complicated and difficult situation none of them have chosen - and if she planned it, that just makes it even sadder.

Oh and the reason I and a few others thought he left after the bombshell was delivered (pretty sure nobody said stormed off) was the way the post was worded. We were told he'd gone out to buy a test, had her take the test and sat there silently before saying it probably wouldn't go down well with his dead wife's parents, and then OP said he agreed to talk about it again tomorrow, the last comment on that being "We’re going to speak again tomorrow when the dust’s settled a bit"

It very much sounded like he left, and if nothing more was said while he spent the night, well, that sounds awkward and painful but ok.

Fooldoththinkheiswise · 05/07/2025 15:49

Need to add the 4th immediate thought which has gone through his head to below:

  1. I don’t know if I believe she’s pregnant, better do a test in front of me.
  2. Shit - what are my wife’s family going to make of this and what do I make of it while I’m still wearing my wedding ring?
  3. I really don’t want to spend the night talking about this with her. I need time alone, despite the fact she’s the pregnant one who’s probably terrified.

4.QUOTE: He said ‘WHAT HAVE WE DONE?’ In reference to the school mums’ gossip. Caring more about his image at the gate than the woman who he’s accidentally got pregnant 🥴

You’re worth so much more than him and this reaction, OP.

Goingawayistricky · 05/07/2025 15:49

neverbeenskiing · 05/07/2025 14:50

This is 100% go with your gut

As someone who works with children I truly wish fewer people would go with their gut when it comes to new relationships and blending families and actually think about the impact on their existing children instead.

Indeed but I also work with families that know they or their children won’t cope but make the decision based on others option of them or thinking something will change.
Gut feelings often get quashed under wishful thinking.

Kikingk · 05/07/2025 15:59

Boddica2000 · 05/07/2025 15:47

Oh and the reason I and a few others thought he left after the bombshell was delivered (pretty sure nobody said stormed off) was the way the post was worded. We were told he'd gone out to buy a test, had her take the test and sat there silently before saying it probably wouldn't go down well with his dead wife's parents, and then OP said he agreed to talk about it again tomorrow, the last comment on that being "We’re going to speak again tomorrow when the dust’s settled a bit"

It very much sounded like he left, and if nothing more was said while he spent the night, well, that sounds awkward and painful but ok.

I didn't read it like that at all. I thought it was pretty clear.

outerspacepotato · 05/07/2025 16:01

OP, I can see why you're getting defensive. You've gotten a lot of criticism that it seems like you weren't quite expecting. It's also hitting home or you wouldn't be so defensive.

You've made some bad choices here and you've been trying to put on the rosy glasses. You're trying to paint your quickie relationship longer and deeper than it is to justify you putting your wishes ahead of the needs of the kids involved. This man is still wearing his wedding ring. I put mine away after a year and a half. It holds deep significance. Even if he now takes it off, he's not doing it because he's ready to. You're going to be carrying that weight too.

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