Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

Bet you're an incel. Why else would you say something like that. Normal men don't think like that they have actual conversations with real women.

They sound nice people. But incredibly naive. I can’t believe you want all this drama at your door OP.

Yes, the parents of the posters on the Stately Homes threads probably reassured themselves that children are adaptable.

If he has the baby 2 nights a week and earns £100k a year that’s only £500 a month. Hardly worth popping out a baby for 😂 if he has it 50/50 then he wouldn’t pay anything!

I still think you need to those rose tinted specs off op. As nice (and entirely noncommittal...) as he may have been so far, I don't think you're being very realistic. Even if you do get your happily ever after, it's still going to be very messy and very complicated. You don't seem to be thinking at all beyond getting him on board.

Such a tricky situation. I’m imagining myself in your shoes OP, and I suppose my overriding thought would be “am I okay with raising another child on my own”, because realistically after this short of a relationship, the chances are I would be. But I understand everyone’s thought processes are different.

It sounds fairly positive at the moment.
I totally get him wanting to tell wife's family before the kids. But I also wouldn't tell anyone until 13 weeks anyway.

Its moving faster than planned, but to be fair I'm guessing your both closer to 40 than 30 so really if another child was to feature then it's sooner the better.

But be ware a big age gap can be hard to manage. There are 4 boys very close in age plus the baby.

Maybe it's just meant to be.

No woman who has a termination finds it easy. It's a tough choice and usually one which is the 'best' choice of two situations. But it's always a tough decision.

Lily Allen did a podcast the other day where she said she can't remember how many abortions she's had. She was laughing about it. It really isn't a tough choice for some women.

Well she's obviously sick in the head.
Shes also very pro trans as well. Hmm.

Firstly OP, while I think this man clearly doesn’t want this baby, I do think you should go ahead with the pregnancy. You obviously don’t want to terminate and you shouldn’t if you are in any doubt.

Just don’t be under any illusions that he loves you or will one day love you as he did his wife. Your defence of him asking you to do a test in front of him is crazy. He couldn’t ‘sit with it’ or ‘get his bearings’ until you proved you weren’t lying about TWO positive tests? Not one, but TWO? You say that he stayed the night but refused to discuss it or give you any reassurances? He actually stayed the night with you but rather than talking about how you feel, physically and emotionally, he said, “we’ll talk tomorrow; I’m not ready for it to have settled in” and proceeded to prioritise the school mums at the gate and his wife’s family? Wow.

Honestly, raise the bar of what you expect from him or make peace with the fact you’ll be doing this completely alone while he protects his image, his wife’s family and the children of the woman he actually loves. You’ll always be playing second fiddle to the woman he actually chose to be more than a secret fling.

The saddest thing about this entire thread is how poorly he’s treating you and how you still think he cares about you one jot.

If this was my sister’s husband then no, I wouldn’t expect him to be celibate but I’d absolutely expect him to use cast iron contraception so that he didn’t end up f*cling up his kids lives even more than they already have been.

Obviouslu this isn’t OP’s fault because she has no duty to this guy’s kids. He’s an absolute moron however.

I think shared custody is a different scenario.
His wife is dead there is no partner to have his children every other weekend.

Unless, his wife's family take on that role.
They may not feel obliged to take on his baby or OPs children to give them a break.

They may also, be concerned for any inheritance his children may have from their mother being spent on 3 additional children.

I think under the circumstances it will at least raise eyebrows and cause concern for his wife's family and his own.

One assumes OPS's X has his children occasionally.

Yes, it is good that he had taken the tentative steps back on to the dating seen. How often can OP and this man have spent alone in 8 week?

Whatever you both decide good luck

Hi OP,
I just wanted to say if I was a mum at the school gate and found out a widowed school dad was having a baby with another mum and they were going to try and make a go of it I would be delighted for you both - particularly for him to find happiness again after such a tragic time.

His wife has died over 3 years ago. There is no shame in moving forward. If I died the last thing I would want is my husband freezing his life in some sort of shrine to me.

I disagree with people using phrases like "drama" and "mess". You are both single and have done nothing wrong. I even suspect your partners wife's family might be a good support. They have worried about him a lot over the years. Of course they will find it painful - they find the loss of their daughter painful every day.

I'm sure you will both handle things with your children sensitively and support them through any changes.

You mentioned your partner telling his wife's family before the children. It would be sensible to wait until 12 weeks scan before telling anyone who would be very emotionally invested.

I wish you and your partner happiness and I hope everything works out for you.

The thread isn’t about starting a relationship with a widowed man.
No one has said he shouldn’t be in a relationship.

She’s pregnant before even starting a relationship.

This is 100% go with your gut

As someone who works with children I truly wish fewer people would go with their gut when it comes to new relationships and blending families and actually think about the impact on their existing children instead.

I even suspect your partners wife's family might be a good support. They have worried about him a lot over the years. Of course they will find it painful - they find the loss of their daughter painful every day.

@Winter2020 they might think he’s a useless twerp. You have no idea.

They might think he is a useless twerp and still be a good support?

Indeed

Just wanted to say that you both sound lovely and sensible, but in a difficult situation

But not thoughtful enough to think
(a) I wonder if my pill isn't working as I'm bleeding a lot and
(b) keep a plentiful supply of condoms in my new shagging situation or even
(c) we're not over-sexed, hormone- driven teenagers - maybe miss a shag until we can buy a condom.

But hey, ooh woops, I'm preggers, who'd a thunk that might happen.

Maybe you’ve missed my point, which is that you have absolutely no idea what his wife’s family think of him and why.

I'm not sure it's true that the OP and her boyfriend are "super conceivers". We only have the OP's word for it that this was a contraception failure. Reading between the lines, the OP sounds very keen on this guy, seems to have been hoping for a while that they would get together - and then, when they did, she "accidentally" got pregnant after just a few weeks. She also seems in denial about his negative reaction to her pregnancy, and is shutting down any suggestion that he isn't as invested in the relationship as she is. It wouldn't shock me if, subconsciously, the OP was a bit lax with her pill.

Just popping some hearts here especially for you 💗💗💗

TBH I'm quite surprised that your OP had no considerations on the impact of this on his children, who have fairly recently suffered a major bereavement.

And barely a mention of how it may impact any of the 5 children... other than how he might get along with her autistic child. All about the new man.

It's shocking that on a forum mainly for women quite a lot of pp are just desperate to drag the op down. Making stuff up to suit their agenda.
She hasn't asked for opinions on whether or not to continue with the pregnancy so just stop telling her to terminate.
As for the ones saying she's trapping him that only works if he's willing to be trapped and why would you bother? If he doesn't want to stay he won't and op is aware that she may end up alone but it's not wrong to hope for the best.
I for one wish her all the best.

It’s certainly not ideal but it could end being a very happy accident!