Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

@Op1n1onsPleaseno they don’t. The wife died a couple years ago. That’s plenty long enough for the husband to meet someone and form a new attachment which may well end up in a marriage with more children. Do they expect him to be celibate? Pregnancy happens - and obviously he wasn’t planning on this but it’s normal to have sex with a new girlfriend or boyfriend whether it’s a potentially long term relationship or just a fling.

Being brutally blunt here...

ignoring the 'heart' emoji...

If OP really wanted a baby, it would have been better to find a sperm donor and go down that route. She doesn't love this boyfriend - or FWB- whatever he is, and there is no plan (yet) for it to be long term.

Because this man would be just that ( a sperm donor) except he's relatively recently widowed, has already got 2 children and didn't plan on a 3rd with a woman he's had sex with a few times.

And that's not even going into the fall out of it being in the full public eye of the school gates and teachers. Or the impact on his children, his finances, his complex emotions, etc.

Let's see what he says but something makes me think OP may not come back with a definitive answer.

We've got to take the OP at her word, that she was taking the pill properly (or assumed it was working) but I'm sure he may think he's been tricked into being a father again in order to 'keep him around'.

IMO
he left the meeting w OP and cried.
This was not in his plan at all. Now he’s having a child with a person he knows well, and has been intimate with only over 8 weeks.
Now he’s got a complicated life.
That's not op's problem!

Quote
It is. She alone allowed unprotected sex knowing that it could lead to pregnancy. The woman always has the final say, excepting rape.

I am all for your body, your choice, but in these circumstances, I do think you have to do the right thing by everyone who is already in existence.

Two small, grieving children.
Two small children who are still coming to terms with their parents' separation and the huge lifestyle shift for them involved in that.
A man who is still grieving his late wife to the point where he hasn't felt able to take his wedding ring off.
The family of the late wife.

This isn't just about you.

If you go ahead with this pregnancy, you're introducing a child into what is a very complicated and unstable familial unit, and giving them a father who wouldn't really choose to have them in existence at this current point in time.

You would also potentially be causing a lot of harm and upset to the four children you already have between you.

Is having this baby fair to everyone whose lives would be impacted by its existence, including that baby themselves?

Having a child is not just an emotional decision. It has to be a practical one too.

You may go ahead, this child may be the glue that brings everyone together, it might be like something from a romcom.

Or you may go ahead, you may break up with your boyfriend, you may then have to navigate 3 children with two fathers to arrange co-parenting with, and you will have to manage being a single parent to a small baby as well as two primary aged children,

To everyone who says go for it, you will find a way, etc - yes, you will, because you'll have to - but perhaps not without a lot of sacrifice and hardship - and not just for you, but for your children, too.

In order to thrive, children need stability and security. You need to think seriously about whether that is what you can offer your child and your existing children if things don't work out with your partner and you end up having to do this alone.

Well no. They both had a say. It is his willy after all.

that's all true, but the woman can always say NO, even at the last moment (rape aside)

Thanks for the update Op.

FWIW I think you did the right thing by telling him. You’re in a relationship, a new one, but a relationship all the same, this decision should be discussed between you.

I'm sure that most people - men and women- would assume the Pill was effective and that doubling up with condoms as well was pretty fail-safe.
Assuming the condom was for protection against STIs and therefore he assumed the Pill would work.

It's not clear if they doubled up to avoid conception or for safe-sex reasons.
Maybe that's a conversation that should have happened first because although the Pill usually works, it's not 100%.

To be pregnant when on the Pill and not using a condom once is very bad luck indeed.

Did you have two children from a previous relationship though?
Did your husband have two children?
Did those children lose their Mother at a very young age?
Was your husband a widower?
Did you fall pregnant after 8 weeks of seeing each other?
Did you keep your relationship secret from others?
Were those children in the same class at school?

What an absolutely ridiculous comparison!! Of course people meet and fall in love and decide to get married on first dates. No one is disputing friends becoming lovers and living happily ever after. OP’s situation is a million miles away from that.

Congratulations OP. I’m loving how you’re handling this. I’m secretly hoping he comes back saying he wants to be with you and will be an active part in this baby’s life. Please keep us posted.

OP glad you have spoken to him. None of us can really offer much advice. It is for you both to work through. Either option could be the right one for you both and your families. Good luck and hope it works out for you all.

To be pregnant when on the Pill and not using a condom once is very bad luck indeed.
totally agree, but the general feeling there on MN is that the pill alone is not reliable. I'm also not saying that the OP is at 'fault,' just saying that she must have been a bit concerned as she mentions her unease somewhere in her previous posts.

We were brought up to make room for new children, where ever they came from, babies can be wonderful things.

If OP is willing to bring this child into the world, that’s all that matters.

Im pro choice and would not force my opinion on anyone wanting to keep the baby.

I have only read your replies. It is a disaster in a 2 month relationship, people show their best side for at least 6 months.
It'll do irreparable damage to both of your sons, though they might think it is fun to begin with.
I definitely wouldn't go through with the pregnancy.

I don’t know. Maybe my decision will rest on your ages. If you are coming to the end your fertility and you always wanted three children then it would be ridiculous to abort the child. If however you are both still young it might be an idea to not progress this pregnancy and try for a planned pregnancy in a few years time.

There's lots of 'poor man' on this thread and that's true up to a point - the circumstances suck. But the OP didn't get pregnant all by herself. He was there, having sex without a condom!
A woman can be completely pro choice and yet still, when confronted with a real life pregnancy of her own, not want an abortion. Even when it might be the most sensible thing to do. The decision to have a baby or not, is often rooted in emotion and not a completely objective choice.

I don't think it's right that people are attacking her, calling her selfish or telling her to prioritise his children or the feelings of his wife's family - this is her pregnancy. It was his job to use a condom.

well thankfully women now have minds of their own and can choose what to do, rather than follow either their parents' beliefs or some religion.

Not all pregnancies are in the best interests of the unborn child.

I'm really sorry for the onslaught of unsolicited opinion.

Unsolicited? 😂She literally came on here asking for advice on what she should do. Just yesterday morning she was saying 'I didn't know I'd be having to deal with this today' after doing two tests.

At lunchtime she was saying: I'm not totally sure what I want to do yet and I'd only tell him if I was leaning towards keeping it.'

And by 8pm the same night she's told him and she wants to keep it.

This is someone who was apparently using two methods of BC at the same time, apart from one time only when no condom was used, in only 8 weeks of sex. And I thought the whole point of being on the pill was that your periods were not 'all over the place'. What on earth kind of pill is that, then? That has your periods all over the place but still manages to alert you swiftly to a pregnancy that's only 2-3 weeks gestation?

I personally wouldn't have an abortion in your circumstances.

If you can't see the good sense in having a very early abortion in these circumstances then you are probably the sort of person who wouldn't have an abortion in any circumstances.

I'm surprised so many people so aggressively insisted it was the only sane choice even when it was clear you wanted to keep the baby.

It wasn't at all clear at first. Although I'm not entirely sure what the point of asking for advice and opinions even was, when it turns out her mind was already made up in under 24 hours.

As is so often the case with threads like this, she merely wanted to feel better about her choices and have them validated. So she goes through the charade of pretending that it's been a difficult decision where she's soul-searched long and hard for the sake of the children and this poor widower, when it's clear that there has been precious little soul searching and she's told him before the wee was even dry on her wee stick. And despite having no intention of having a third child until five minutes ago, she has (surprise surprise) found herself suddenly unable to deal with the thought not having this one, in spite of all the reasons why it's clearly a terrible idea.

I don't think it's right that people are attacking her, calling her selfish or telling her to prioritise his children or the feelings of his wife's family - this is her pregnancy. It was his job to use a condom.

It was her job to use the Pill properly and from her posts it appears that she was having issues with it, which should have alerted her.

I agree he should have also used a condom but if that was for STIs, he was probably thinking that she was a decent woman, who'd been truthful about taking the Pill, and didn't expect it not to work.

It might be HER pregnancy but it's 50% his child too and would be for 18 years paying for it.

He's a widow, with 2 dependants already. What happens when he cant pay for another kid without impacting his kids already?

I'm 100% pro choice, but if you you decide to keep it, and he doesnt want it, why should his kids go without?

His kids lost their mom and they've got trauma from that. It might not come out right away, but their dad moving on with another woman is going to bring out some things, and adding in a new baby so quickly, they're likely to be experiencing things very hard for them to handle. Losing a parent young leaves them with a wound that may heal, but also may break open under stress, and bringing a new baby from a brief and unknown relationship is definitely going to stress them out hard.

I'm a widow and I made choices that prioritized my kids and with them knowing that, they still needed mental health care. Unless you've been there, you just don't get the ongoing loss the kids feel and how it can come out so much later.

He'd better prepare for that. OP should prepare for that. Be prepared for things to fall apart. Sometimes a family can go along for a while being sort of ok, then something changes and boom, the whole house of cards tumbles down.

I feel for his kids.

He definitely is part blame here so that is on him
just as much as her. As much as I think this whole situation is just wrong really due to the kids losing their mum- you can’t put it on her for his financial input he may have to make. He has a Willy and he used it! Just like she was part in this also.

OP how do you see this panning out? It sounds like you want to keep the baby but in your mind where do you see things going? Do you think you are going to stay with this man, move in together? Or do you imagine going it alone?

Just wanted to say that you both sound lovely and sensible, but in a difficult situation. Whatever happens, I think you'll make the best of it. This is life. Life is messy. And you know, children do come first, but also, children do cope. Whatever happens, whatever you both decide, I wish you both all the best. So calm, so collected. You are brilliant role models to your children Whatever you decide.

I met my 2nd husband 9mths after my
first died. I wasn’t looking for love and happened naturally

fwiw my husbands family were fine with my partner tho his mum found it hard. No kids

glad you spoke to him. How are things now you have both slept on it