Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

That isn't relevant either given op and this man aren't engaged. You sound a bit blinkered. It's nice that your entirely different life went well, but it's got fuck all to do with this.

Exactly. Children Always seem to come last on these so called blended families.

From the way you’ve both handled this situation so far, there a good chance you may have a loving, long lasting relationship.

Or equally she won't see him for dust.

Indeed. They have had no "Big conversations" according to the OP in the 8 weeks they've been having sex, including the 2 weeks they've been exclusive, and he's still wearing his wedding ring. Nobody has declared love (if he had she would definitely have told us) and he mentioned that his dead wife's parents could be a problem in response to her shock pregnancy announcement, then sat in stunned silence before going home - so really not like your experience at all.

I agree - the point I was making is that in all scenarios, terminating the pregnancy would be better.

If he doesn’t want to continue the relationship, better that OP doesn’t bring a baby into the fold and disrupt her children’s lives.

If she thinks the relationship can go the distance, then can also better to terminate the pregnancy to allow the relationship time to develop without the stress and pressure having a baby in these circumstances will bring.

From the way you’ve both handled this situation so far, there a good chance you may have a loving, long lasting relationship.

After knowing each other for 8 weeks, with 2 dates? Seriously?
And the rest of their connection has been chatting at the school gate.

We should all marry someone we know for 8 weeks and can hold a civilised conversation with, and write lucid post about it online.

For context, I’m curious, how old are you?

Honestly, it was clear from the very first line that you are going to keep the baby. Unfortunately, it seems highly unlikely that 10 years from today you will all be a happy family. He’s going to do the right thing by you, but a man who still wears his wedding ring was not ready to start a new family. But at least he sounds like he will be a good father to the child.

Lovely for you but I presume you didn’t have children when you met your now husband?

Before we have children, we can take those risks and hope we are the exception to the norm. Once we have children, we need to protect and prioritise them when entering into a new relationship. That includes not introducing new partners to the children (and certainly not “dates”), letting the partner build a relationship with the kids slowly, not moving a partner in to our children’s home until at least a couple of years has passed. These precautions are important to protect our children, ensure they have stability, and reduce the risk of abuse and trauma.

I think everyone is missing the point of this. The point is it’s best to terminate to allow the relationship to develop (and also to protect OP and her boyfriends kids in the event that the relationship goes sour).

It’s not possible to predict the future but a relationship founded on mutual respect and mature communication (which OP and her new partner seem to possess), is much more likely to survive than one without those characteristics.

Either way, I think OP should prioritise the existing children. Just because we can keep a pregnancy doesn’t mean we should. But it’s her choice as termination is not something everyone can do without significant regret or impact to their mental health.

My Dh's biological mum died when he was 4 (he has an older siblings who was 6 at the time), so not too dissimilar to the age of the widowers children when they lost their mum.

His dad met a partner a couple years later - my DH calls her mum, and she brought him up. She is who I consider to be my MiL. However, she also tells me that she spent many years with my sobbing DH (child) screaming at her telling her she wasn't his mum, and he wanted his real mum back, only to then run to her for hugs 10 minutes later.

She and my FiL went on to have 3 more children. However, the first of these was not born until my DH was 12. I have spoken to her about this, and she did tell me that she did want children sooner, but she also waited until my DH and his sibling could handle it. As their mother, she put the two of them forst before having her own biological child.

OP, you have your own children to think about too (unlike my MiL, who didn't at the time). But it will be seriously hard for the dad's too young children to suddenly have someone there, who they will see as a replacement to their mother (even thoigh that is not what you are trying to be - consider it through their young eyes), and a new sibling.

The wife’s family would have every right to be judgmental. If my sister died and her husband knocked someone up that her kids had never even met as his partner I would be absolutely furious and rightly so. Someone needs to put those children first.

@Donaldfo I'm really sorry for the onslaught of unsolicited opinion. I personally wouldn't have an abortion in your circumstances. I wouldn't even consider it honestly - you're not a 15 year old still at school. I'm surprised so many people so aggressively insisted it was the only sane choice even when it was clear you wanted to keep the baby.

You don't have to blend families and live in the same house in order to be a family. I have quite a few friends still in a really positive relationship with their OH who have chosen to live apart so that their respective children are more settled. Several have had children together and kept this arrangement. One even said to me that it has all the benefits of being separated with none of the downsides! They have essentially a co-custody situation when they spend time with their partner and half siblings and they also spend time together as a three and as a couple and as a wider big family. But there is no sharing of rooms and jealousy is much reduced because of that.

Wishing you all the best and go gently.

Just because it’s someone’s own choice doesn’t mean people cannot point out what is negative about the decision. The op asked for advice and what other people would do in the circumstances so what do you expect. Positive comments only ?

“Onslaught of unsolicited opinion”

She posted it on mumsnet for opinions…

In AIBU of all places. Opinions were very much solicited. They just aren't the opinions she was hoping for.

OP i totally get wanting to keep the baby but i worry it will ruin what sounds like it could be a really nice relationship. He'll resent you as he clearly doesn't want this. Don't sabotage yourself here - you can have a baby with him later if it works out.

It should say “I’m sorry you’re being told that you can’t just do whatever the fuck you want without any thought for the children involved”

Given the timeline of events and your slow and steady approach, I would imagine that you would probably not have even been considering telling your kids you were in a relationship for another year or so. Because, as is widely agreed, a slow introduction is best and gives children the chance to adapt.

If you have this baby, not only will that process be massively accelerated (for reasons that are not to do with the benefirs to your children) but it will involve a new sibling.

And your boyfriend is either going to be forced to have his children live with you and your kids or have a child that he can only see occasionally - a nightmare position for a good dad, which you say he is.

It's your body and your choice, but you have to consider the other people on whose behalves you are making that choice - it's awful for all of them.

I must say, I completely agree with that & all the posts that highlight the needs of his children. They are young children who have had their mother die in recent years, this is not the time to be complicating their life, sorry. Obviously no one can force you, but that is my honest opinion.

This 100%

She specifically sought opinions. They were very much solicited.

But she didn't like the responses, and went ahead with her original plan of telling him anyway.

And I doubt she's coming back to read anything.

An incredibly messy situation and I can’t see anywhere that you are seeing this through the eyes of his children. They should be the priority having been through a loss that most adults struggle to deal with.

Too late, she told him, and he reacted negatively.

Going against the grain completely here, but I've just read through the whole thread. It sounds like you want this baby 💗 you can do this, and you can make it work. Yes it will be messy and complicated and maybe you need to consider that you might have to do it on your own although to be honest the man you're seeing doesn't sound like the type to leave you to do this by yourself. Yes you need to think about everyone involved and how it will work but its OK to think about you- this is your life too. By the time the baby arrives the childrens mum would have passed away over 4 years ago. I realise that's not long, but its also not ridiculous like some people are suggesting.

I think one aspect that will be troubling the widower will be the school situation. The whole relationship will play out “at the school gates” and in a very visible way. I’m not even talking about gossip, more the four children involved. It’s very intense - would be a little easier if the families were at different schools. I honestly can’t and wouldn’t advise on anything else since, as one widow pp said - you cannot underestimate the way grief will manifest and what this may trigger for him unless you have been widowed. My only other thought is if, as you say, “he’s kind and thoughtful - really genuine” it sounds like he would put his nearest and dearest first, and would you really blame him? So much to this.