Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

Why not? Lots of kids live babies. It's amazing that anyone on here has more than one.

Firstly, it is utterly insane that you let a 13 year old influence your decision on such an important matter. And secondly, if you think children who have been through their parents getting divorced (although no doubt potentially traumatic) are the same as children who have lost their mother then you are beyond help.

Completely different. This bloke doesn't want a pregnancy.

I honestly think she thought he'd hug her and say "Let's get married!" and saw herself as Carol Brady. Oh well, hopefully at least he'll be good about child support and co parenting.

What an idiotically simplistic response.

Your body Your choice literally does mean that though, that's exactly what it means! Same as if you truly wanted a termination then its not to other people to dissuade you, at least not in such vicious and disgusting ways as have been posted on here. It works both ways.

You don't think finding yourself pregnant after several miscarriages might not be a moment of awe and wondering what might be?

I'll let you go. You probably need to call the OP "selfish" a few more times. "Selfish," Selfish and irresponsible", and "Selfish and shallow," so far.

How is she selfish for falling pregnant while on the pill? How is selfish to wonder if she might keep it? And how is any of this "shallow"?

Rhetorical questions.

I haven't seen any vicious or disgusting posts. You should report them.

Just as simplistic to assume it will traumatise them.

These children have lost their mother. They are getting to grips with their new lives. Their dad has shagged their mate’s mum, unbeknownst to them, and got her pregnant.
There is no love. There is no security. There is nothing for them in this except the expectation that they’d just have to survive the turbulence of their dad having a baby with a casual sex partner like they will have to survive not having a mum.

It is insane that you think your 13 year old child asking when you’re having more children with your husband is even remotely comparable.

INSANE!

But in your situation your kids still had 2 living parents. There is a massive difference between having separated parents and having a dead mother.

Your child also knew your partner. And, presumably, you had been with your partner for longer than 8 weeks.

Your situation does not compare to this.

Exactly.

Yes, true - but it is up to the dad to manage his own children’s feelings in all of this.
So OP wants to keep the baby, it’s the dad’s choice if he even wants to be involved or not (with financial contributions being a minimum) he knows his own children, he could decide to have nothing to do with the baby to protect his kids and they need never know.
Or he might choose to be more involved, but keep that to a minimum to protect his children. So, they may know about their half sibling but never live with them. He may want to build that up slowly. My point is, if OP decided to keep the baby that is very much her decision. It can be managed in a sensitive way if OP and the Dad choose to do so and nothing in what the OP has written makes me think they will do anything but.

Pro choice means just that. It’s not referred to as ‘pro abortion’ for a reason.

Who said trauma? There's space for a huge amount of complexity between trauma and joy. "Lots of kids like babies" is just a stupid thing to say in this circumstance.

All she is thinking about is herself. Not her existing children, his children or even him. "Ooh I want a baby". Selfish and shallow.

The OP says the kids do know her/him/each other. MN is relentlessly negative about having more children with a new partner and how bad it is. It can be but it can also be positive.

I think you might be projecting with your "assessment" here.

Two weeks of exclusivity does not a partner make.

Have a read back, I'm not the first person to mention trauma. The only difference is I acknowledge it's possible and they think it's inevitable.

You’re right.
Its perfectly reasonable to have a baby with someone your children have “met”

😳🙄

Meaning what? That if I'd separated I'd have given consoderation to the child I already had?

Irrelevant of what i wanted to do I'd put the children first 100% and terminate. This will turn their world upside down. There's no need.
Ive read posters saying don't do it if you'll regret it etc, I'd rather carry that myself as the adult than put those children through this life changing decision.
They deserve better than this.

Like the OP I knew my husband for some years before it developed into something else. The first time we had a date we decided to get married. Forty years later we are together. Experiences aren't all the same.

The is what it boils down to.

Are you more comfortable in potentially ruining children’s lives with your choice or living with the regret of your own choice?

I think you’ve handled this excellently and in a very mature way. I couldn’t have kept this from him either.

Personally, I couldn’t bring the child into the world as I think these timings would be incredibly damaging for his grieving children and the impact long lasting. Protecting the existing children would be my main priority over keeping an unborn child.

I also think it would be better to give your relationship time to grow before jumping to the next stage. From the way you’ve both handled this situation so far, there a good chance you may have a loving, long lasting relationship. But this will be much less likely with the pressures of the early pregnancy and new baby, blending a family despite the relationship being new, the potential for your children resenting their new step siblings and it causing issues at school, and the stressful circumstances surrounding the pregnancy for his kids and late wife’s family.

Wishing you all the best, whatever you decide to do.