Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

its not as simple as a woman decided what to “do with her body” there are lots of different factors to take into account and other people to consider including two young boys who have lost their mother plus the ops existing children. Your body your choice doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take anyone else at all into account when deciding. 🤮

@Donaldfo - OP, I wouldn't blame you in the slightest if you didn't come back on this thread. Some vile responses on here. You need to both deal with this in your own way. Ignore the advice from some of the vultures on here.

Exactly! To a lot of posters on MN, Pro choice is only pro choice one way ie abortion. My body my choice doesn’t apply when the woman wants to keep her baby.

A lot of women who say they are pro choice are not pro choice when they are ramming abortion down women’s throats. Not pro choice at all!

She could move her children away but what happens to the new child’s relationship with his or her father?

This thread did not turn into the cheer squad she'd been hoping for.

Reading her posts, it seems clear that when he came round to her place, then asked her to do another test in front of him, she wasn't expecting that. By the time he'd gone out, got the test, and she'd done it, she was shaking. Obviously very unsure about what was going to happen.

So his reaction wasn't what she'd hoped for, either

You were both equally responsible. It is, of course, your decision ultimately.

But I do think you have a very rose tinted/romanticised view of what your future could look like…it’s completely understandable to have that wishful thinking, but you also need to be prepared for a very different reality.

Can’t stop thinking about those poor boys. Please please, you need to put them first. They have gone through (and will continue to for the rest of their lives) the worst pain possible. They do not need this nor do they deserve it.
I lost my dad at the same age and it’s so important for adults to act in the children’s best interest to try and not cause additional pain.

This is too rash and will cause so much pain for the kids and their mother’s family. If it is to work out with the dad, then maybe it’s something you can discuss for the future but you can’t bring another child into the mix when the father is clearly just needing some comfort right now and not another wife.

Sorry to be blunt but you really could hurt a lot of people here.

You have been relentlessly unpleasant towards and about the OP on this thread, making numerous assertions as statements of fact, on things you know nothing about, including the widower's thoughts and feelings on this or about the OP.

You have repeatedly told her she should have an abortion, and told other posters that - despite never having had one yourself - it is a myth other women feel regret.

The OPs long gone anyway. This thread did not turn into the cheer squad she'd been hoping for.

She wanted to talk it through, what her options were, whether to tell him... How you took from that she wanted a "cheer squad" or why you feel the need to be so disparaging of this woman beats me. OP said she and the widower were going to speak tomorrow when the dust has settled. I wouldn't come back if I was her. Something precious and confusing has been stomped on.

Maybe she's going to put something joyful and positive into their lives.

I was divorced not widowed but although my now husband and I wanted a child together we were worried about the existing children. One day my 13 year old asked me if we were thinking of having a baby I said yes but, before I could say we're not rushing it, thinking about everyones feelings he said, "you'd better get a move on, you aren't getting any younger.". Ten months later his sibling was born.

Something precious and confusing has been stomped on.

Sentimental hogwash

I don’t think him asking her to take another test in front of him means he doesn’t trust her. He’s just had one hell of a shock. It’s human nature to feel the need to see it with your own eyes to take it in properly.

I really feel for the OP. A lovely new relationship, all going well, on the pill etc and then bam! This happens. So much to navigate here - what’s best for the children involved, her emotions and feelings, his thoughts, the logistics, the wider family impact ….

I hope she finds a path that is right for her. Whichever way she chooses will, I fear, not be easy.

I think one might confirm hostility if he eventually asks for a DNA test …

This is a tough one. I don’t think jumping to tell the OP to have an abortion is the right thing. It’s definitely what I would do in this situation but I do believe in bodily autonomy above all else and it is the OP’s body at the end of the day.

If she decides to keep the baby, the dad must be given a choice with how involved he is. And I’m sure the OP will respect his decision. Perhaps there is a way to manage it without causing too much upset to the existing children. Continuing to live apart for the foreseeable would be a good approach I think. Let both sets of children keep their homes, their safe space.

Exactly, we very much wanted me to be pregnant. He was working away and I couldn't wait so did a test but didn't want to tell him on the phone. When he got home I told him and he immediately said will you do another test. Never occurred to me that meant he wasn't happy.

The siblings of the dad don’t get a choice - they have to like it or lump it if she keeps it. How will they feel if they have a half sibling at school and their dad has chosen to have nothing to do with the kid?

Talking things through also means dealing with people telling you stuff you don’t want to hear. And if the OP can’t cope with harsh words on the internet, she will be completely unable to cope with any resentment or challenge from her own children.

Why would you think your circumstances are remotely comparable?
You really think "surprise, you're going to share a half sibling with your classmate completely unexpectedly" is likely to be joyful?

OP you sound like a lovely person and so does he. I hope you can work out together what to do next. Not an easy decision at all, and I understand that you would like to keep the baby … even though it will be difficult with so many people involved. I really hope it all works out for everyone. Wishing you all the very best!

I’m happily married and currently pregnant with our fourth child.

But what the fuck does that or your situation have to do with this?

It depends, his children might feel it is unfair that her children live with the new baby and they don't. I don't think there is one right answer.

One thing that I think is definitely wrong is his late wife's family being judgemental. My father died when I was a child and my father's family cut contact with us for years when my mother remarried. I know my father would never have done that to my cousins. Years later they started making contact and my mother and siblings were fine with it. I wasn't and there was some issues when they weren't invited to my wedding but they weren't welcome.

Exactly. I wouldn’t say MN is ‘pro-abortion’ but it IS pro-reality and the reality is there are four young children already here in this situation, two of which are grieving and no doubt traumatised by the loss of their mother (because that is hugely traumatic to go through as a child and shapes your entire life, even if you have the ‘best case’ scenario of lots of support around you).

We are also pro-reality in the sense that a man still wearing his wedding ring is also grieving and traumatised. There’s a big difference between getting back on the horse and having fun and dating (even if it is exclusive with one woman - which let’s face it, means very little, what grieving dad of two kids has time to go out and get the ride from multiple women?) and setting up house/a life long commitment with another woman?

Wishing the OP the very best, but this is a disaster waiting to happen, not a beautiful fairy tale in which the baby saves everyone. I would terminate, or at least be prepared to do this very alone.

It was an example of a child being positive about a new half sibling. I'd have thought that was obvious particularly when so many people are assuming the children would automatically be upset.

You think he wanted to witness the test because he was so happy that she’s pregnant that he wanted to see the line to appear? After two months of casual sex?

🤣🤣🤣

No. It’s not obvious because it’s nothing remotely close to what is coming the way of these poor kids.

Exactly. If a woman stated she wanted a termination and a poster called her selfish and told her not to have it there would be absolute uproar.