Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

Agree, At least until his dc are much older.

I know his boys are incredibly important to him, as is his wife. He still wears his wedding ring and I’ve never had an issue with that. He says it would feel strange to take it off and I completely understand. This doesn’t take anything away from her.

I think this tells you where he is emotionally @Donaldfo

As 'is' his wife?
I think you means as 'was' his wife. Or the memory of his wife.

Most widows carry on wearing a wedding ring for life, although if they remarry they may not. Not all men wear wedding rings, so that's slightly different.

I think you're a bit head in the clouds.
There's not much 'OMG- this is a complete shit-show' in your posts.

Not much 'I simply can't inflict this problem on a man I've known for a few weeks (in a relationship) who's got 2 young kids and is a widower.'

You're coming over as if it's all about you and he somehow has to cope with it and fit in somehow.

I think most women would come to the decision quite quickly that bringing a baby into what is a very complicated set up is not the right thing to do.

I think some blame lies with you because if you were bleeding at odd times on the Pill you ought to have realised it wasn't working properly and seen your GP for advice, once you were embarking on a sexual relationship.

Is that why you were using condoms- because you doubted the pill was working? Or to avoid STIs?

You mentioned him asking if you were now 'exclusive' - so does that mean he was sleeping with other women before you? And if so, what makes you think you were being seen as a longer term partner?

I'm sorry if these are blunt questions and seem judgemental, but the whole thing is a real mess and you don't seem fully engaged with the reality.

Your focus should be on his life and children, your children, the demands of your child with special needs going into the future. Your 'want' for a 3rd baby should not be part of the equation. It was a mistake. There is no guarantee that you will ride off into the sunset with this man, baby or no baby.

Sounds complicated OP
You will need to be prepared to be a single mum, but then again, so should any woman regardless of marital status it can happen to anyone. There is the added complication of his 2 kids and how they would feel, as well as yours. Realistically it will be difficult to for them to adjust, but that will be their little brother or sister at the end of the day and I’m sure they will grow to love them and value them.
If you want your baby, have it. ❤️

No but they’re in the same class, they can’t escape each other. Two class mates have found themselves with a shared sibling when they didn’t even know their parents were in a relationship!

Imagine OP telling the teachers!! Oh excuse me, Mrs Jackson can I have a quick word, I have found myself in ‘a bit of situation’ whereby I have fallen pregnant by Toby’s Dad. Yes I know he’s gone through immense grief, I know this will impact his children and my children, no nobody knew we were an item, it was secret. But just wanted to let you know.

Good luck with it all. The ramifications of this are enormous and far reaching.

The OP hasn’t shared information about the wife’s circumstances around her death but in many cases a dying mother would tell her husband ‘move on start again, I want you to be happy, meet someone new’.

I doubt she would have said ‘knock up one of the Mums from school after an 8 week secret relationship!!’

Of course he will feel guilty, poor bloke can’t bring himself to take of his wedding ring.

The thing is, this would all be hunky dory if they had been dating for 2 or 3 years and made a joint decision to be together as a couple and have a child.

No one would judge them for him finding happiness again.

So the fact their kids are in the same class etc wouldn't matter.

The point is that the pregnancy is a mistake, there's no evidence this is not a 'fling' for him (OP says they have had a 'couple of dates' - other than getting into bed - which shows how this is far from serious.)

Has anyone suggested he stay single? I haven't seen that if so.

I doubt your dad was still wearing his wedding ring when he started dating your stepmum or that they were only sleeping with one another for a few weeks with no discussion of future plans (OP stated they have had no Big conversations) when they both made that choice. I mean, I might be wrong of course.

It also sounds very much like OP's boyfriend has not responded positively to the shock pregnancy news.

Glad it worked out for you all, but I don't think this scenario is similar.

I just wanted to pop on with a supportive handhold OP. I think I would have done the same - be honest and open with him. What he says may well influence your decision, although you can never be sure if things will work out as you think at this stage. I wish you and your family all the best.

Of course he will feel guilty, poor bloke can’t bring himself to take of his wedding ring.

To be fair, all the widows (women) I know wear wedding rings for life. My Gran was widowed in her 40s and wore a wedding ring till she died in her 90s.

IME people only take off their ring if they are in a new long term relationship or marry again and have another ring.

OR if they want to appear 'available' and are dating as widows/widowers.

They have been dating and having sex for 8 weeks, so I guess wearing his wedding ring is a bit of a hint that he doesn't see her as long term material then.

My guess at the outcome is this-

He will say he's not ready for this but OP must choose what she wants to do. He will say he cares for her but they are not even near to a long term relationship or having a child.

If he's a decent man he may say he will offer financial support towards the child if she keeps it. (And yes, legally he should but that's another issue...)

However, that is a high-risk strategy because in the future if he meets someone else he will come with the baggage of 2 children from his marriage and a child that was conceived during a 'fling'.

His wife is dead, that is very sad but he is entitled to get on with his life. He wasn't exactly leaving the funeral to pick someone up.

OP I hope you work out what is best for you and all your children. Good luck.

Exactly. You’ve reinforced what I was saying. Many are devoted to their deceased spouse and never remove the ring. The ones that do are ready to move on. OP’s boyfriend has his ring very much still on, suggesting he’s not quite there yet. Which is why I was saying he may now be feeling very guilty about what’s happened.

My husband has never asked me to do a pregnancy test in front of him.

That speaks volumes about the depth of your relationship.

Those poor boys have lost their mum and now you’re going to release a grenade into their lives.

This has the potential cause serious damage to many people.

I hope you can both talk calmly again today. It’s a tricky situation but it could absolutely work as long as you’re both on the same page and are thoughtful and mindful of others. Good luck.

Some.of these replies are extremely harsh. This is the OP's reality and she is in a vulnerable.place.

Plain talking Is fine, cruelty is not.

@Donaldfo I think you'd be getting more.positive replies if you had found yourself pregant in a relationship which was, say a year or two old, as in @Somerdays 's experience. Your life is so complicated - a kid with ASN, an ex who doesn't do his share, and a new man who is trying to move on but doesn't seem fully ready (sorry). It all seems very precarious for everyone involved. But that doesn't give anyone licence to give you the kicking that some posters seem to be enjoying 🤨

Unless you’ve been through losing your spouse (and I mean death, not divorce/split), you have NO clue what an earth shattering experience that is. You cannot predict what his triggers might be. He may absolutely not want to have another child with another woman. I’m a widow, nobody will ever compare to my spouse. I have yet to dip my toe in dating, if I ever will. But I’d be horrified if I got pregnant with another man’s child. I guess you need to discuss with him but if he wants nothing to do with this situation, don’t be hard on him.

In any situation, 2 months is never sufficient time to be able to decide if someone is compatible in terms of raising a child together

Of course - have an abortion. Poor bloke. Still he had sex so he knew the risk. Twas ever thus. You’ll be fine.

They always do this on Mumsnet. It feels like a very pro abortion platform! Definitely not pro choice because I’ve seen multiple threads where even after OP has stated she wants to continue her pregnancy, she is told to still have an abortion. It’s gross, I thought we had moved past telling women what to do with their own bodies 🤮

🙄 it’s always a choice. We’re not in Afghanistan. Someone posts - they want advice. They get it.

This so naive. How on earth can two poor little boys who have lost their mum and don't even know that their Dad has been seeing someone be greeted with the news that they are going to have a half-sibling? The timing is all wrong, and you have to consider their needs over any wishes of the adults. By all means have a relationship with this man, and if it seems to be going well you can be more open with each others' kids over time, and even have another child together when the time is right and it would genuinely be happy news, but I don't think it would be fair to do this to those boys right now.

Good luck to you - you sound so understanding of what he and his children have been through. I hope it all works out. x

Right. Saying to someone "I think you should get an abortion" has nothing at all to do with not being pro choice. There's plenty of other scenarios where I'd never have suggested a woman should abort the foetus, but I did say at the start that since she was asking what we'd do, I would have an abortion in her shoes.

But she's always intended to keep the baby, that's become clear, and of course I'd never ever try to force her to terminate or even try to talk her into if I knew her in real life, and I don't believe for a second anyone else on this thread would either.

But if you ask, and she did, what you should do people will tell you their honest opinions.

The OPs long gone anyway. This thread did not turn into the cheer squad she'd been hoping for.

Congratulations