Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

Yep, I offered the same advice, abortion and do not tell him. After carefully reading all the replies, the majority of which were "don't do it" she decided to tell him, said she she didn't want to talk about abortion and indicated she plans to keep the baby regardless.

I can't help but believe that she always knew exactly what she was going to do, but was hoping we'd all cheer for her too.

Do what?

It might be a great outcome for them.

They don't all have to live together immediately, or ever.

Unplanned siblings from new casual relationships are rarely "great" for kids. In the real world. Aside from the odd fairy-tale anecdote. As neutral as possible is a more realistic goal.

This is almost a carbon copy of a thread last week except it was the woman who was widowed two years previously and her new man didn't have his own kids yet. The consensus there was that she should have the baby and allow herself to be happy. No-one said 'don't do this to the bereaved kids so soon.'

The difference there was that the man in question had known them their whole lives and was already a part of the family, really. She had also been in a pretty serious relationship with him for quite some time, although they hadn't gone public with it out of respect to her dead husband's family.

I do think this is slightly different. He's been widowed two years but not in this relationship for more than 8 weeks. Just because you've known him socially a bit longer means nothing really. You might just be his transitional person, him dipping his toe back into dating after his loss. Nothing has indicated that he's ready for it to be very serious or permanent.

You say you haven't asked for opinions on whether you should have a termination or not, but your thread title asked for 'advice' on what to do and you say:

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

So if the prospect of termination is not one of the options to lay on the table then what other kind of advice did you hope to hear? Having told him, if he asked you to terminate for the sake of his bereaved children, would you?

I'll be honest, it's difficult not to get the sense that your eyes might be lighting up as you see a cushy future for you out of this mishap. Is he financially quite comfortable compared to you? Do you think this represents an opportunity to improve your lot, financially speaking, if you can get him to commit and stick around permanently?

But you are thinking about yourself and not about the long term challenges here. Landing yourself slap bang in the middle of the lives of two children who have lost their mother and will now have a woman they barely know, a new baby and two step siblings they didn't ask for plonked into their lives is NOT going to be a picnic. And as the relationship is so new, if it doesn't go the distance then they are going to experience yet more loss and upheaval as their home life is upended all over again.

But I suspect your mind was already made up and any 'advice' you didn't want to hear was always going to be ignored. I only hope he makes the right decision for the children he already has, and doesn't rush things with you out of some sense of duty.

You're right about one thing. You have no idea what's going through his head.

The rest of your post is dramatic fiction. "Immense guilt"...

If it’s “only a few cells” then why, if a pregnant woman is murdered, is it considered a double homicide?
The “cells” have a right to life.
Many, many people have grown up in different family set ups and have had wonderful lives despite the circumstances in which they were conceived.

That. Sorry, but an eight week old relationship when both families have their emotional and practical complications is not one to sensibly bring a child into. It's clear that although he's been very calm, this is the last thing that this man wants. I think the relationship will be doomed if OP has the child.

Anyway, let's presume you are keeping it. And let's presume he's a decent man who wants to be a father for this child.

Get ready to share custody 50/50 and be be tied to someone who loves his kid but resents you. And who will move on - with someone else.

You will be the in-between-rebound who is neither his first love nor his new love.

And this would be a GOOD outcome, where he loves the child and looks after it.

Poor man. Poor special needs child. Poor bereaved children. Poor new child that grows up in that dynamic. Even poor you once you figure it out.

Or you accept now that the thing you want (happily ever after, speed forward) is NOT what this is, you quietly find the solution, and a few years from now everyone's life is on track. Either way the thing you want is not what you'll get. That is not one of the options.

@GabriellaMontez How do you envisage it being a great outcome for them? What benefits will come to their life - not the OPs - from having to share money, space and time with a half sibling and deal with a man they don't know and his two children - rather than simply continuing as they are with their mother.

I think we can probably assume they won't be living together, given they've been dating for 8 weeks, he is still wearing his dead wife's wedding ring, upon being given the news he went to the shop to buy a test and asked her to take it in front of him, stated it would be a problem with his dead's wife's parents, went quiet when she said she was leaning towards keeping it, and then left.

But that won't mean there aren't all sorts of complications and issues they will have to be involved in. I am not sure where the great outcome comes from.

To add, two of the boys share a class. They will sadly become the gossip of the school. Possibly even playground teasing (which is wrong, obviously, but it does happen). This will have a huge impact on them if it happens.

Just something else to consider, OP.

This experience may well put him off ever being in a relationship again.

There have been no expressions of love, on either side. That is a complete romanticisation of what's going on here.

Yes, my 8yo would be beyond mortified if I was suddenly having his friends dads baby. That's even without any teasing from peers. They're not idiots at that age, they're old enough to know a bit about babies and relationships. There absolutely will be teasing and cringing and shame. It's not something I would want to put my boys through.

I have said abortion in previous posts, pretty sure. Certainly haven't shied away from it.

The problem is she doesn't even see she's in a mess. I used the word solution to try and point out out to her she has a problem that is much more serious than she seems willing to acknowledge. As have many others.

Anyway, as is clear from context, I am giving a likely scenario, to try and point out to OP that there's a million ways this could play out, almost none of them happy and certainly almost none the one she seems to be hoping for. It's not a prediction.

You are tediously trying to misunderstand.

As someone who’s DM died very suddenly as a child, my DF met his partner around 2 years after and she has three kids. It took a bit of getting used to at first but we all get on very well to this day.

It’s unfair for people to expect this man to stay single until his kids fly the nest.

Yes it’s very soon and unplanned but like you, I fell pregnant with ds2 while taking the pill religiously. It does happen and you were using condoms too. I did consider termination and ds2 father pushed it but I’m very happy I continued the pregnancy as he’s the most wonderful boy.

Don’t be forced into a termination by guilt but do consider the fact there is a high chance you will do it alone. All the best OP

OP - I think you’re a complete selfish idiot for this. I have opinions on the father too, but this thread isn’t about him, is it? I think you should feel bad about this - you could have not been in this situation with serious consequences for children, and attempts to say “it will all be fine” smack of trying to downplay the situation because that’s what makes you feel better.

At least be honest and own it if this was an attempt to play happy families, rather than some accident.

For the kids’ sake, I hope this doesn’t turn into the complete shitshow that it probably will.

And it’s MN - you’re going to get opinions whether you agree with them or not.

You pretty much stated in black and white that if she continues the pregnancy it will be a mess and that if she doesn't her life will be on track and she wont have any regrets.

Again I refer to my own situation. Had I posted on MN about being pregnant to a man id known a few weeks and the circs around it id love to have known what future you would have predicted for us.

He didn't even query that she's pregnant while on the pill? Instead he doubted her by asking that a test be done in front of him, right then and there. That is a very odd thing to do.
Ask her to do another test together when they next met up, not "right, I'm going out to buy a proper test, not one of those cheapos, you'll do it in front of me"

Then rather than wonder how his children would cope with such a change, his first thought was his image. God forbid it would be tarnished after, how long was it, "couple of years" or "three and a half years"?

What he would have liked for the in laws, was a gentle breaking to them that he was seeing someone. " Just friends, we're taking it slowly." Image ruined now they'll realise he's been sleeping with a mother from the school gate.

Good luck with it all Op. I hope it all works out well for you.

Yes. Here you have it black and white:

• I think she should have a abortion.
• Given she has no deeply held principles objections to abortion or we wouldn't have had all the previous posts, I think she would be very selfish not to have an abortion.
• I think the chances of this going well are extremely small.
• I think even the "good" version of this playing out is miles away from what the OP is fantasizing.
• I think even the good version of this is going to cause new kinds of grief and having less resources and there is almost no upside, except OP's fantasy of what could be.
• I believe a woman has the right to make her own choices, including stupid or irresponsible ones.
• I believe others have to right to point out any stupidity or irresponsibility.
• I am delighted it worked out for you! If she keeps it, I would be delighted if it worked out for the existing children, the future child, the widower and the OP.
• Saying what is likely to happen does not mean I wish bad things on OP. I want good things for OP! Like for her to not have the mess she is about to embark on.

I think this is a much fairer and more balanced response and I appreciate that.

@PiggyPigalle

Instead he doubted her by asking that a test be done in front of him, right then and there. That is a very odd thing to do.

I don't think it odd. Its quite common for someone in shock to do that. My partner did the same. I showed him the test id done and we went and got another one. It doesn't mean he doubted me think he just thought could have been a false positive.

The fact that you want to keep the baby is the most important thing at the moment, @Donaldfo. Just like on the other thread that’s on here at the moment, your body your choice. That statement doesn’t just apply to abortions - it applies when a woman wants to keep her baby too.

Yes there are already children here. Yours and his. If you was to worry that it would affect your children to have the baby then I can see why you would consider having a termination even if it’s something you don’t want to do. But even then I would tell you to really think it through.
But I would never base my choice on his household. And I definitely wouldn’t ever make my decision based on his wife’s family’s thoughts and feelings.

How is stating a fact of life insensitive ? People go on to have new relationships and marriages after bereavement .

Having sex can lead to children . Fact . He shouldn’t have entered a casual sex relationship whilst wearing his wedding ring et c