Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

They wernt when we had sex without a condom though- were they?

Man to man - you’re wrong. He clearly wants nowt to do with her, and the potential baby.

Got to be honest, I would absolutely NOT want it either, if I was him. Of course it takes two to tango, I am not placing blame on OP, but yeah he sounds completely sideswiped and absolutely not keen.

Good. Stop quoting me.

Well, quite. That was my point. It's a fantasy of what a widower should be.

For the very first time ever as I am so pro choice of the woman, I am going to say I feel desperately sorry for the man in this terribly unfortunate position having endured the tragic loss of his dearly loved wife, and navigating his children through such a horrendous bereavement - his first foray into an alternative and this has happened. No doubt he trusted op with regards to the contraception - it’s highly unusual for the pill to fail.

Now his life has deteriorated even further, he/ they will be the gossip fodder of the school for years to come. This instantly makes things extremely difficult for the children sharing a class will soon share a sibling too.

I feel such pity for him.

I am sensing op has made up her mind, she is leaning towards continuing the pregnancy and there is nothing he can do to prevent the snowballing consequences and impact on his dc and wider family. It’s very sad, and I have never said or thought such an outcome is ever good or bad when it comes to pregnancy, but these circumstances are completely different.

Agreed.
It sounds like he would like the baby to just go away.
Doesn't sound like he's into her either.
She'll have done for now and he's said at least twice that he's not looking for anything serious.

He's been caught rotten.

Indeed. And if the pair do decide to move in together, those boys are going to love sharing bedrooms, especially as they move into adolescence.

Yes, thanks, I look forward to that. Ciao :)

I think when these situations happen no one ever really thinks about the child involved, it’s always always about themselves.
op think about the child and the life this child will have. Picture living arrangements, extended family, impact on all the current children etc etc.

how does that look for your child? Would they be accepted as much as the other kids by his IL’s?
would he be the same parent to the child as the parent he is trying to raise two kids through the loss of their mother? he still wears his ring, that tells you a lot.

what about his kids? Now seeing this new family setup and not accepting it? What about your own kids?

all fine and dandy that you want the baby, but what about the baby itself? What about what is best for them?
you’re together a few months, in any other situation it’s the worst time to have a baby least of all this one.

This all sounds very messy and shit for all 5 kids involved. You both should have been far more careful. I'm another who thinks it wasn't as unplanned on your behalf as you say it was, and he's just an idiot for not wrapping up. Hopefully it all works out, but it very well might not.
You haven't put your kids first, you've put yourself first. Which isn't always the end of the world, but at least do it with your eyes wide open.

This is so dramatic. He chose to have a causal relationship / sex. People move on all the time and in fact it is expected .

Completely agree.

I'm stunned at the emotional illiteracy involved in someone thinking that losing a mother at any stage of childhood is not a 'huge deal'.

Children don't accept difficult new circumstances, they just tolerate them. This "children are adaptable" nonsense is something adults tell themselves when they choose to upend their world. I mean, they don't die from most selfish adult choices, and they will adapt in the sense that anyone adapts to things that make their life more difficult - but it doesn't mean they will ever be happy about it.

This. It’s one thing to say “children are resilient” when they are faced with circumstances outside of anyone’s control. It’s quite another thing to use it as an excuse to pursue one’s own desires in ways which are clearly not in their best interests.

I think this is the issue here. There’s no way to say how the boys will take it until they’ve been told it’s happening. It could go brilliantly, but then it could crack back open the grief for their mother.

I think there’s also a risk it could re-ignite the grief the father has for his wife. The main concern being for his wife’s family’s feelings, plus the fact he’s still wearing his ring and saying he’d never thought about moving on with someone else suggests to me that he’s still grieving and not ready for this big change.

If he’s to support his boys and help them to navigate this big change (that would be huge even if they hadn’t lost their mum) then he needs to be in the best possible place emotionally to be able to support them, and from what you say OP, it says to me he’s not there.

You both sound so lovely, and very much have your boys in the forefront of your minds with this. I’m hoping that everything works out for you all no matter what you decide to to.

You’re missing out a very important difference here.
When telling an only child that their parents are having a new baby, you are not also telling them that a new mummy or daddy is going to move in as well!

Agreed. The OP has written this carefully to try to put herself in the best possible light and she still comes across as selfish and shallow.

That doesn't mean he won't provide support, or try to get out of doing so.

I imagine he'll want her to terminate it, and if she doesn't then will possibly ask for a paternity test when it's born, because if I were him I'd be feeling very duped, and be wondering if I'd been set up in some way.

Bereaved children do not move on.

Given it is the dc that will be impacted the most, it is the bereaved young children that most pp are most concerned about. They no longer have a mother. They are not going to be moving on are they, please don’t be so insensitive.

I hope once the initial shock wears off he is able to come back to you and support you, OP, whatever you decide to do.

I was widowed with young DC and I'm commenting to say please don't underestimate the effect that losing their mother will have had on these young boys. As for the man, I think this could go either way - he might possibly, with a LOT of time and understanding, be able to handle it, or he might freak out and run. Which puts you in a very vulnerable position.

This with bells on.

They dont have to move in together though do they, right now or even ever? Thats a bit of a leap? She can have the baby if she wants and still live apart, either with no involvement from him, or co parenting, or see if there's a progression in the relationship. There's literally a million different options and possibilities other than it being a black and white every one moves in together straight away.

Oh, it doesn't sound like he's into OP?

A couple of weeks ago he asked if we could be mutually exclusive and I said yes. So I’m not imagining a connection that’s not there. It’s not just been a fling, it’s felt like something building even if it’s still early days.

Had the OP taken this advice the problem could have just gone away. She could have carried on seeing him, see where it leads. Instead she’s sat him down and told him he is potentially going to be a father again. I mean. I just can’t imagine what is going through this poor blokes head. How to tell the kids, how to tell his parents but most distressingly how to tell his wife’s family. He was using condoms, she was on the pill. But that one time they didn’t use condoms, the pill failed?? Fucking hell that is terribly bad luck. He just wanted a care free fling. The guilt he must be feeling towards his wife and kids must be immense.

Yeah, that was a pretty wild statement for the OP to make and 100 percent wrong on every level.