Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

I'm also with the pp in that I don't believe that blended families are good for children. For every family where it genuinely works out there are many more where it doesn't. I'd be inclined to live separately, even if you stay together long term.

Well done @Donaldfo that must have been a difficult evening.

How he responded was reasonable and good-hearted.

I think you are both going to be ok.

My advice would be that even if you are both happy with a decision to continue the pregnancy and welcome the baby, that doesn't have to mean propelling you into cohabiting and blending your families before you are ready. I suspect it will be better for all of the older children for you to continue maintaining separate households for the rime being, but perhaps just let all the children know that you are now in a relationship with eachother, and when the baby comes they can all know that it's a brother/sister to all of them. I would bet that by the time the baby is 6 months old, all the children will be asking for the 2 families to blend, and it will be a lot better for that to be the trigger rather than telling the children that this is what is happening on an accelerated timetable to get it done before the baby arrives.

Congratulations @Donaldfo and he sounds like a lovely guy who deserves happiness and I’m sure his wife would agree.
There are studies showing that happily married people who are widowed tend to marry again and often quickly, due to the fact that to them marriage is a positive thing. I think it’s testament to their relationship that he as a healthy man who can have deep emotions is open to another relationship. I always say to my DH I hate the thought of people being so consumed by my death that I ruin their lives. And any wife or mother surely feels that way? The best thing for our loved ones after we die is happiness? Yes it would be hard of course, but knowing he loves his wife is something I could see myself being more than able to accept and live alongside. It’s not a competition. And those boys only have one mum but could do with a mother figure in their lives too.
Ignore all the negative Nellies here- you’ve done nothing wrong and it sounds like you have a healthy relationship that has grown into love out of a sad situation. Him staying single won’t make his wife come back or give his kids a happy childhood. A new relationship handled sensitively and a baby could well be the happiness you all deserve. Congratulations- I for one believe this is meant to be.

Probably should at least introduce the new woman as a girlfriend though not just a mates mum before announcing he’s having a baby with her though. no? Everyone deserves happiness but abit of thought for those kiddos eh.

Yes, you could and the book did. However, with a blood sibling and the same parents it is an entirely different scenario. The difference between real brothers and sisters and enforced blended families is generally very obvious. But yet some kids do indeed resent their fully related siblings, forever.

However, a toddler being told about the baby in its mum's tum, being part of the excitement of it all, meeting the new baby for the first time, being bonded by DNA and a shared upbringing and all that this involves and your mum shagging some dude for 8 weeks then inflicting a strange man and his whole family and a half sib on you and upending your entire world to date is an apples to oranges comparison.

This is more than a situation, it’s a disaster. It’s not even a proper relationship yet. It’s an absolute no from me. If you are happy together in a few years and dc are content then think about it. I would want full commitment first.

Nobody's even made a decision about the baby yet!

I was responding to the comment about them
potentially keeping it.

Exactly this. Imagine that poor man telling his dead wife’s parents that he’s got one of the Mum’s from the playground pregnant after a few weeks of dating. Life is going to get very complicated for him indeed. They will be distraught I imagine. Well and the kids…god knows what they’ll make of it.

Poor, poor kids is all I can say

The OP has stated she doesn't want to talk about abortion and indicated that she's keeping it, no matter what he says, if you read through all her responses.

You quoted me. If you were responding to the comment about them potentially keeping it, you should have quote them, whoever they are.

The way I read the situation is that the guy was using a condom, very sensibly, but OP told him not using one was fine as she was on the pill. Except that she obviously wasn't taking it properly (all that stuff about irregular periods makes no sense if she was using the pill properly) so either the OP is very stupid or she set out to trap the guy. In his shoes I would hate her for what she has done to his life if she insists on continuing.

I think all the talk of blended families is completely pointless. There’s no way this man is going to ‘blend’ his family with the OP. Here were his first thoughts when she told him the news according to OP’s update.

1. I don’t know if I believe she’s pregnant, better do a test in front of me.
2. Shit - what are my wife’s family going to make of this and what do I make of it while I’m still wearing my wedding ring?
3. I really don’t want to spend the night talking about this with her. I need time alone, despite the fact she’s the pregnant one who’s probably terrified.

As PPs have said, there’s a world of difference between choosing someone you love to blend families with and a secret fling. Based on his initial reaction, there will be no blending.

@fourelementary - did you not read that the man wanted to do a test together ? He wasn’t leaping in the air and proposing on the spot. He went home.

This isn’t a widower whose grief has eased, is in a committed relationship and is thoughtfully moving to a next stage with the OP. He clearly thinks he’s been trapped. And he has. Of course it takes two to tango and he has got to face the consequences of his actions.

Posters squeaking “Congratulations!” are either very religious or have seen too many Hallmark Movies.

But there is, added in, a whole level of one hopes unconscious projection - because god forbid their husband move on with another woman if they were to die, and god forbid any widower ever put his own needs ahead of his children.

were you not saying the widower put his own needs in front of his children? And we are talking about them having a baby in this instance. So yes I was replying to your response.

Exactly this 😬

I've read all her responses. She wrote:

He asked me what I want to do. I told him I’m still figuring that out but leaning towards keeping it.

She hasn't indicated she is keeping it. Leaning towards is an inclination.

And she didn't state that she doesn't want to talk about abortion. She said that was not the purpose of this thread, to ask that question. She's trying to figure things out.

Also worth saying I didn’t start this thread to ask whether I should have an abortion. I understand why people want to give that perspective, and it’s helpful in a way to hear the blunt truths, but that wasn’t what I came here for. I just needed a space to talk it through and figure out what the hell I’m doing.

Hope it all works out for you @Donaldfo whatever happens.

Yep, you're right. I was only discussing that scenario because of all this "kids will adapt" crap, which just means kids are powerless and have to put up with their parent's rubbish decisions.

Based on his reaction (making her take another test was very telling) the very short time frame they've known one another, his dead wife's family, his own kids, I'd be very surprised if he wants a bar of any of it, which is probably not fair, but it's reality.

Sounds like about the reaction I'd expect, certainly more positive than it could have been. Hopefully you both continue to handle it well and maturely and learn more about each other.

All the negativity on this thread, it's so disappointing. People projecting their opinions or past experiences on the OP and this man. Saying how awful it is, "get a grip", telling her off and saying how it will ruin the existing children's lifes - what utter BS. And heartless given what the OP is actually dealing with - you know - as a real person with real emotions right here right now.

Children have been conceived in far far worse circumstances than this. Is it unexpected and unplanned? Yes. Does that make it automatically bad? No.

A decent man has a huge capacity to commit to something and someone and shape their life around the new reality, even when it comes as a surprise. Let's hope this guy is one of those.

And if it turns out that you both decide you don't want to have a baby at this time, well that's fine too. But it sure as hell shouldn't be because of all the mean and negative comments on here.

He doesn’t want it. He didn’t actually believe you are pregnant hence the test in front of him.

I can’t see this ending well. He still wears his wedding ring. I think whatever hope you did have of this relationship being the start of something lovely will be dashed by this. You were having a lovely time getting to know each other slowly. He said he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship and this is about as serious as it gets.

I was saying that it was a fantasy that the widower/all widowers felt and behaved in the way another poster stated:

His bereaved children are his entire focus and will be until they are grown.

She asked people what they would do. When she was told by many they would have an abortion she said she didn't want to discuss that.

Leaning towards keeping it means precisely that she looks as though she intends to keep the baby regardless.

I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve, but there's nothing about what I said that needs to be discussed, so we can end here.

What a mess.
Clearly you're going to keep the baby.
And you only know the father 8 weeks.
Good luck.
I feel sorry for all the kids pulled into this mess.