Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

I don't understand why everyone is so negative about it. My friend had very similar situation, she was dating a widowed men who was a father. She got pregnant straight away and got married. 3 years later they are all very happy. He won't mourn forever, life is life, the same with kids- they need attention and love from a "mother figure" (stepmum). She was accepted by his son straight away, even it was only a year after his mum's death. She didn't try to be his mum, but she did all the best to be a wonderful stepmother.

His children are currently 7 & 10 hers are 7 & 9.
Its 3.5 years since their mum passed away which on one hand is no time but it's probably ages to those kids, the youngest probably hardly even remembers her, its half their lifetime ago. Sad but true.

The Dad is entitled to move on. But there's never going to be a right time for him to move on, but nor should he stay in mourning forever.

He's probably tossing and turning tonight thinking about this baby. And what the future means for him and his kids.

Absolutely.

I've had abortions, and I've felt nothing but relief, because they were the right thing at the right time.

I have had MEN tell me I'm making the wrong decision.

OK bucko, get on that horse.

OP, yes, it's your choice here ultimately.

But I'm interested to know what the reasons to continue this pregnancy would be? An honest appraisal.

Why would you? Honestly. And what would your hopes be?

How do you see the future?

How do you see the future for not just the imaginary child, but for all the children that exist? How do you see things if you continue with this pregnancy? For all of you.

Tidy.

I bet his children with his dead wife are thrilled.

Delighted.

Possibly because mums don't want to think they can be replaced.
And possibly because its a new relationship that may or may not go the distance.

If it works out it could be the biggest blessing.
If they split it could be the Op left with the heavy load. 3 kids including a big age gap.

So.

To children of a dead mother, she can't actually be replaced.

She.

Cannot.

Be.

Replaced.

And if a Father moves on verry quickly and has another child with a new woman.

???

If I would die, I would be more than happy knowing that my husband found someone, married, even had kids. Mother is not replacable, however, great stepmother can do miracles with childs wellbeing.

His response to finding out you’re pregnant isn’t wonderful though at best he is trying to be kind and polite in his head he’s freaking out . You are his first woman after his wife died and you are a secret lover - even the kids don’t know. I know a lot of people are throwing the abortion word around and you don’t like it- I get it. But I think ultimately people are trying to be practical and help you get your head out the clouds of this being happy families. He may be kind but this sounds abit like company and sex with very little strings attached - suiting him perfectly for his wants and needs right now. I do wonder how this will pan out and I do wish you well OP - just be under no illusions. And look after yourself and your existing kids- and think of his and his family too - which he should of done before getting in this situation with you.

His wife died 3 and a half years ago,
maybe it’s time he allowed himself to move on.

Kindly, you’re projecting.

The OP originally said his wife died ‘a couple of years ago’ then it became 3.5 years in a later post - some wild inconsistency here.

Those poor little boys 😢

I suspect in the initial post the op was being vague in an attempt to keep things anonymous . But was then pressured to be more exact in a response to some of the replies.

Life goes on!

I am pro choice - 100% - but reading this thread made me so uncomfortable.

A pile on of angry women who assume they know all the facts and can predict the future trying to coerce a woman into a termination; which she clearly doesn’t want.

I agree.

So you never say vague things like a couple when you mean somewhere around that? I do. Many people do.

what a juvenile reply

I came away from this thread without commenting but then I couldn't stop thinking about these poor children who've had their lives devastated by the loss of a parent only for their dad to knock up some random women he's known for five minutes. This does not have a happy ending

Thank you. It's such an ugly response.

OP, you sound a bit unconcerned, the title of the post, a bit of a situation? I would say it’s a lot more serious than that.

If you want the baby that is your choice, but I think you need to be prepared that father may not be in the picture. It doesn’t even sound like you have a proper relationship with this man, perhaps he just sees it as a bit of fun.

I wish you well, but this sounds very complex to me, I hope it works out for you.

On mumsnet people are hiding behind a name and sometimes are more brutal than usual. I agree it shouldn’t be said so easily- but I’m taking the general consensus as people saying this is a bad move considering the circumstances.

But when is having a baby EVER easy?! Regardless if you’re married in the perfect 2.4 scenario and loads of disposable cash it can still be a disaster for a relationship.

We don’t know anything?! This could be the making of them, it could cement a new family and be the happiest time of their lives?! Or, yes, it could be a total mess.

Just to see a broad spectrum of women, when the Op is particularly vulnerable, demand an abortion that can’t be undone….. unsettling.

I would probably not tell him and have a termination-sorry. For everyone’s sake,including yours, but especially the children’s.

She’s already told him. Read her update.

Agreed some of the comments are absolutely sickening.
I got pregnant after only 2 months myself and he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know for a fact that had I posted on here that I would have been torn to shreds and told that id regret having a baby with a jobless drunk id known 5 minutes as a result of a lockdown fling.
And here we are over 5 years later stable and secure and everybody doing well.
Yes my situation is obviously different. But I also know people with extremely complicated blended family situations who make it work.
The only person who should want the termination is op and if she doesn't want one then everyone else needs to fuck the fuck off and stop calling her selfish and other awful names.
We going down the road of forced terminations are we? Thats what you are all implying.