Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

Argh.

Honestly?

Abortion is sometimes pretty much the best choice.

Sentimentally about fertility causes a world of pain.

Well, if I had to guess I would say - she wants another child, she wants to tie him to her, she's pretending to herself that he will actually turn out to be delighted and they will all live like the Brady Bunch.

Blended families are a minefield at the best of times, even when people have planned appropriately and have a ton of money and resources they often fail.

Overall, I'd say she is only thinking about herself, probably a combination of hormones and how she views life.

I absolutely agree with all of that.

It's obvious!

They didn't not use contraception. There was 1 occasion where they used only 1 type and not 2.

Irrelevant really.

OP.

Don't carry on with this pregnancy.

Why would you? What would be your reason to have this baby?

I really don't think there is a right or wrong decision to be made.

The children will likely accept the new baby if its put to them the right away.

The issue is 5 children between two people is a lot of kids. Massive house and car required!

If Op ends up raising 3 alone, that's a huge task. And 8 year age gap isn't easy to manage (her 7yo will likely be 8 before the baby is born). Even simple things like a day out fnding things that suit a 3yo and an 11 & 14 yo really just won't be easy.

At 11 & 13 you could potentially take them to the pictures and they go in to a 12A alone while Op takes 3 yo to whatever is suitable for them.

Op good luck with whatever you decide to do.

It's such a dick move to keep this baby.

And OP knows it, that's why she's asking.

The boys will absolutely not 'accept this baby if it's put in the right way'.

Their Mother is dead, they are teens. I would put all kinds of money on the fact that teens with a dead Mum DO NOT WANT THEIR DAD TO KNOCK A RANDOM WOMAN UP.

Fact.

Irrelevant.
You are not the one I was correcting.

Honestly OP, this isn't a romantic comedy. This is a world of pain, for those bereaved children. With a dead mother.

It's not about you. Stop thinking about you.

They aren't teens.
7 and 10.

Even more relevant then.

Completely agree. The fact that OP thought that he could be ok with it demonstrates that she doesn’t know him as well as she thought she did as he’s clearly unhappy with the news. She’s living in a fantasy world. Entirely selfish decision to keep the baby.

Abortions aren't the worst thing you can do.

Sometimes they're the best.

I think you’re right to have told him, but also think that will have put him in a difficult position as a “nice guy” as he will probably feel he can’t be fully honest with his feelings.

Based on what you’ve said it doesn’t sound to me like he’s particularly thrilled with the news. I think you do sound like you want to pin him down and this would be a convenient way to lock him in.

I’m not sure I’d want a relationship accelerated by a baby in these circumstances and would probably, sadly, terminate in your position and take further precautions until the relationship was more mature.

I think he may be happy about it.yes his boys would be shocked at first. He had lost.his wife and life is short.Sometimes things work out in odd ways. At least tell.him. He sounds kind and has been through a lot

Do what ever is best for you and you’re sons.

Base it on being a single parent.

mistakes happen but if you happy with having another child wish you the best.

i 100% agree. Existing children and their emotions should always come first.

Children are adaptable… they will be happy with another brother or sister.

Foment said exactly my thoughts.

Terrible and selfish to keep the baby OP

No they won't.

What world do you live in?

I don't think this is in the pre existing kids best interests. I'm not saying it couldn't work down the line, but you're skipping a few steps here. You should first test out if your families would be compatible living together, (I'm assuming you'd want to move in.) although it's too soon for that too.

Given his reaction, I wouldn’t be surprised if your next update is him asking you to consider termination. I’m sure he wants to do things the right way with his ex’s family, let them know when the time is right he has met someone. Letting him know that and she is pregnant is hard. Let alone the impact on his boys.

I know you want this baby OP, and it’s your choice at the end of the day, but I feel it’s selfish on part of all the children in this, and their feelings should come above yours. This is not the right time to blend families and bring a baby into that when you all hardly know each other and he needs to tread very sensitively due to the children. Your own autistic child too needs to be considered.

All of that.

what an absolute mess. Madness to bring a baby into it and completely selfish.