Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

I would definitely have an abortion. Then you can wait and see how the relationship develops and give him and his children more time to grieve. It’s such a new relationship. You may want a child but you should be prioritizing the existing children and the needs of any new child. Think how much more positive it would be if you ended up having a baby with him in a few years when you’ve all settled into the relationship and know what you both want. If you want a kid with him you should wait.

I don’t think the reaction of his family is anything like as much as a concern as the effect it might have on his kids.

Not using contraception was really stupid. I can’t believe neither of you insisted on it.

I've known a number of women who have had abortions. Some regret it, some don't. This is why it's so important for a woman to consider her choices carefully, because she's the one that will have to live with it in the end.

The problem is the op wouldn’t even be considering having the baby if she didn’t think the guy was such a catch .. honestly make your decision on doing it alone.. he is clearly a good guy .. but he absolutely cannot want this so soon into a relationship with all the baggage on both sides. He will do the right thing and that will be paying child support and having limited contact but he has sole responsibility for two children who have lost their mother .. they will be his priority. If you want the baby and not him have it .. if you want him then don’t as no way will it work out if you do. You need to decide what the ultimate goal is and this screams it’s the guy. You also need to consider your own kids in all of this ..

That's not relevant though. As stated, the most widely reported response to abortion is relief. That's the point, not whether some individual women regret it, of course some will.

But she doesn't have to worry about the myth that many or most women regret it, nor take that into account at all, because it is not true.

And she will be capable of deciding for herself, based on her feelings, not on a debunked myth.

His bereaved children are his entire focus and will be until they are grown.

People are just fantasising now. He was eagerly getting his prong into OP and skipped condom use on one occasion. His children were not his entire focus when he was screwing OP, were they.

My poor friend, who died horribly of cancer, over a long period... Her widower husband was banging on to me at her wake about how wonderful the sex he'd been having was.

Well the op hasn't thought about her own children or his in any of this, why is it all on him?

She's accidentally pregnant.

It's not all on him. My point is it is fanciful and twee to imagine his only focus is his children from now on. When clearly it isn't.

It might be best if you didn't tell anyone else about the baby until at least three months had passed, bearing in mind that you had had miscarriages previously.

The pregnancy is at a very early stage.

They did use contraception. OP is on the pill, and barring one encounter, they were using condoms too.

Because it’s his baby too! The decision lies with the woman in the end as it’s her body but it’s shite if she doesn’t tell him. He deserves to know too and have some input (even if she ends up disagreeing with his decision) it’s not like he’s some ONS loser, he’s a (from what she describes of him) decent man she has been seeing for a couple of months even if it’s not official.

She's already met up with him and told him. He is processing the information.

But it's not a baby, it's a foetus which is entirely and completely dependent on her body and will not be a baby for a considerable amount of time.

Because you started with that incorrect statement, everything else you added is irrelevant.

Oh dear. So you've decided to go ahead no matter what he says, and his reaction is clearly negative.

Welp, your body your choice and he did choose to have sex.

I do feel sorry for all the children involved, this is not going to be a happy ever after. Such is life, I suppose, worse things happen at sea.

You seem to be misunderstanding or misrepresenting "my body, my choice" here.

It means the woman can and should decide whether to continue with gestation, because the embryo is in her body, not the other way.

The embryo is not considered "human" yet, so the embryo's supposed right to a yet-to-be-formed body does not supercede the woman's right to make her own choice for her body.

It doesn't matter if 99% of women feel relief only (and do they 5 years down the track, ten years?). If OP is in the 1%, it's a terrible thing to have to live with, hence the need to make her own decision and think about how she will feel herself, as an individual.

This is not relevant either, I honestly have no idea why you keep replying to me.

As I already said, the reality is that regular abortion regret is a total myth and she can easily work it out for herself if she thinks that will happen to her.

She doesn't have to worry at all about myths of regret, she can just use her own judgement like we all do about anything important to us.

Anyway, her update sounds like she's having the kid whether he wants it or not, so it's all moot.

Sounds like he took it in a very measured way. Timing wise, I don't think this is good for his boys at all after losing their mom. They don't even know he's in a relationship, and then a baby comes along right away. That said, I can't speak for them as to how they'd take the news.

It’s a tricky one this could end in a few scenarios-

You commit to one another, blend, it works and you live happily ever after.

you try to commit but ultimately it doesn’t work out so you separate and you are a single parent to three

you commit and it’s really hard due to clashing of kids /different parenting styles despite loving each other

this splits you up and you are a single parent to three

Yep. Once you have a child, once it is born, you are not required by law to give even a pint of blood from your own body to keep them alive, not one single hair follicle can be taken from you legally by force to keep your child alive.

And yet somehow a minority of people think a woman should or could be ethically forced to be an incubator BEFORE the child is born. Bizarre.

I don't wish to derail the thread and OP has received useful advice about re-checking contraception and various possible outcomes that I won't repeat, but to give context to Tryonemoretime's comment on OP's situation and the slogan on women's bodily autonomy, this is their view:

""Abortion is killing a developing baby. 300,000 in UK in 2024 - some due to rape or failure of contraception, but most not. Child sacrifice ..."

In light of this, their comment on OP's situation appears to be biased towards not aborting the embryo not necessarily because it is in OP's best interest or OP's bodily autonomy is important, but because they believe abortion is "killing" and "child sacrifice".

Oh!

He sounds like a decent bloke, but his children have lost their mother fairly recently and to bring a new relationship and sibling into this situation would be absolutely devastating for them.

Don't do it OP.

It would destroy them. I know if what I speak.

Abortion isn't the worst thing, it's actually a positive choice for people who already exist.

You.

Him.

Them.

Wut?

Whatever your opinion, don't quote those dicks.

@Foment I agree, but it sounds like she'd made her mind up that she was having the kid regardless. She asked what people would do and later declared she didn't want to hear about abortion. I think she just wanted to be told that she should go ahead with the baby, regardless.

There's no happy ever after to this story and his reaction is pretty much what you'd expect from a man you'd been dating for 8 weeks who already has kids and a lot to deal with. But he did choose to have sex, I just feel really sorry for all the existing kids.

Absolutely. He did do the sex.

Consequences.

I think OP is being an absolute tool though.

Why complicate life?

Sorry, I may not have been entirely clear.

I was trying to convey that people like Tryonemoretime were already against abortion as a concept, so their comments suggesting that OP shouldn't abort are not made in full consideration of OP's complicated circumstances and all the possible outcomes.

It is and should be OP's choice, and such comments based on prejudice against abortion and lacking careful deliberation of what OP might face, aren't helpful.