Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

@Donaldfo Regardless of the outcome, you need a med review with your GP about this contraceptive failure. If you were genuinely taking it as you’re supposed to but got pregnant the one time you didn’t use a condom then something is going on. Lots of things can have an impact: hormones, antibiotics, weight over ~12 stone, etc. You need to be on a contraceptive that you can trust to work.

That said, I’m glad you told him. He doesn’t sound thrilled/onboard. If you’re willing to go it alone then that’s fine, but with his reaction you should definitely assume that that will be the case. It might be hard with your eldest’s autism but you know that part best and how you’ll manage with a baby on your own. I hope you’re alright.

Personally I think emotionally blackmailing OP to get rid of her baby by so many people on this thread is appalling.
She has spoken to the father and he is sleeping on it and they will no doubt discuss it again tomorrow.
I don't understand the guilt tripping.
She got pregnant. She is with a man she had known for a while, even if only dating recently. They like and respect each other. Their kids are friends, not strangers, and a similar age, so an eventual blended family might work okay.
Let OP and her partner make this decision between them without all this pressure suggesting she will be destroying the lives of 4 other children. Of course she won't.

This is 100% go with your gut.

If you want the baby please keep it. If you want him more than the baby then it’s more conversations.
Most of his feelings will be practical whereas you have the additional emotional connection of growing something inside you.
I read on here that no one can predict the future. Do what you want, If he got run over tomorrow would you still feel the same way.

He clearly wasn’t thrilled with the news and should he decide its not what he wants does op think their relationship will continue as if none of it happened and they’ll just carry on in the fluffy bunny rabbit phase?

Sorry just read your updates OP.

It really doesn't sound like hes happy about having another child. Or wants that. His priority is his boys and I do get what hes saying about his wife's family.

Obviously ultimately it's your choice but be prepared for him to walk away if you do decide to go ahead. And he would be perfectly valid to (as is his choice as it would be yours to continue)

If that happens are you happy to do this alone? Would you allow him the freedom to live his life and accept his choice and not try to force or reconnect at a later date? Can you financially afford this alone if that happend? How would your own children feel about this? How would his children feel about potential having another sibling out there? I assume it wouldn't be a huge secret.

There's so many moving parts to this.

If you can answer those questions confidently then you have your answer.
If you can't then you have your answer.

Bring pregnancy up as a hypothetical and see his reaction. That will tell you everything you need to know I think.

Plenty of responses here but you should let him know but I’d seriously consider this not being viable- too many people could be hurt here.

That’s fair. His existing children should be his priority, not her feelings or her assessment of him as step father material. He may well take responsibility in that he’ll pay child support and try to have a relationship with the the child, but I don’t think that’s the fairytale the OP is imagining.

But other people aren't as relevant as everyone imagines.
Op needs to think only of herself and how she feels about the baby. She could terminate and the relationship go Pete Tong. She could keep it and the same thing. Does she want the baby or the relationship more? Things work out when you do what you actually want, not what you think you should or shouldn't do.

Realistically, it's early days and anything could happen. I doubt it will be the fairy tale ending but hopefully it will at least result in him considering the choices he makes more carefully in future.

Op needs to think only of herself and how she feels about the baby.

@Goingawayistricky Surely she should also think of her two children as well, I.e., her own family unit?

Totally agree. And both OP and her partner seem well-balanced, kind and sensible. Who says it will be worse for the children to have a half-sibling? Lots of negativity and doom-mongering on this thread for no apparent reason imo.

If you're truly asking what I would do, I would have an abortion and not tell him. Blended families are generally a long slow train crash, unless you are both super wealthy and there is loads of space in the house, and no worries about sharing resources, plenty of money for holidays, nannies etc.

There was no discussion of this or agreement to it so I think it will pretty much be a disaster for all the kids in particular and you in the long run.

Again, that is just what I would do.

But if you want the baby you should tell him and see what happens next.

It also sounds like his children were quite little when they lost their mum so I’m inclined to think it might not be the huge deal people are making out on here.

For any child, losing your mother is a massive deal. Even if they were too young to remember her, they'll still almost certainly have felt a great loss growing up without her.

Yes. My friend J was 4 when her mum died, we were friends all through school and into adulthood till I moved away.

It affected her entire life in ways she didn't even realise herself until she was a parent too, the hole it left in her life formed her and altered everything. It was so painful to see her holding onto scraps and memories, a pair of her mum's shoes, her older brothers and sister's memories of her mum, a few photographs. She was so jealous of me (not in a bad way and I don't blame her at all) for having my mum till I was in my 30s.

When we were about 13 we tried to have a seance to let her talk to her mum. She never, ever stopped wishing she had a mum.

It is an absolute complete and utter tragedy to lose a loving mum, and especially when young.

Their existing children should be thought of before what she wants or he wants. His kids have lost their mum buried their mum so yeah I think others should be thought of here before anything

FWIW I also think you are handling this unexpected situation as well as anyone could. It was a shock to you and it's taken a few days for you to figure out roughly where you stand on this and he obviously needs some time too - just be patient - I'm sure you would be anyway. I hope you work it out together and that your relationship continues to grow from this. I hope he respects you for your honesty in broaching a difficult situation with him: IMHO you needed to tell him. All the best!

You both sound very sensible OP.

Children are remarkably adaptable. Whatever you decide going forwards, wishing you all the best.

Let's not pretend that children don't grow up feeling huge resentment towards their parents for what they see are unfair choices, this site alone is chock full of that.

They will tolerate her decision, as they have no say in it, of course. But IF they become unhappy because of her choices they will remember that and it will definitely affect everyone's relationship down the line.

It's me, hi, I'm the problem it's me😅 I've had one and never regretted it. Was relieved actually

I’m glad you’ve told him OP

Have you thought about speaking to a trained counsellor? I think that should be your next move. Give yourself the opportunity to make the best decision with the best resources. You could also have a joint session with your BF. That could be really informative for you about how the future might look.

Wishing you all the best

I would terminate too. You’ve been extremely unlucky RE contraception and you may want to look into a copper IUD.

I do think you should tell him and gauge his reaction as it’s unfair to keep him in the dark, but a baby would likely mean uprooting all your children and moving in together.

And you say this relationship is casual, so it may be a case of he gets cold feet about it. You could end up single again and having to co parent.

It's a weirdly persistent myth that women feel regret over abortion. I've never had one, though I have known several women who have and none of them were sorry they had.

The most reported feeling is actually relief.

I can't post links, though it's easy enough to find them.

search health dot com backslash health backslash post-abortion syndrome
also the guardian dot com backslash science backlsash blog 2015 backslagh aug backslash five-main-anti-abortion-arguments-examined
also nejm.org backslash doi backslash full backslash 10.1056/NEJMoa0905882
also archpsyc dot jamanetwork dot com backslash article.aspx?articleid=481643

Why is it unfair to keep him in the dark?