Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

[Donaldfo]

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

This.
Especially as neither OP's children, nor those of her secret boyfriend of only two months, have any idea that they've been seeing each other.

OP, as lovely as this man might be, the two of you don't know each other properly at all; you've only been casually seeing each other a few months. There is no established stability in this relationship. Despite the fact that he's started dating again, it doesn't mean that he's stopped the process of mourning his wife (he's still wearing his wedding ring – there couldn't be a bigger signpost than that).

You appear to be radically underestimating how traumatic it will have been for his children to have lost their mother at such a young age, and what kind of an impact a new reality like this will have on them.

Weirdly, you also seem to be underestimating how overwhelming and disorientating it will be for your own children to discover that their mum is having a baby with the dad of one of their school friends, when they have had zero idea that the two of you were seeing each other.

You've told him now, so it's out there. And you both made this baby together, accidentally; it's not just on you, of course.

But the damage that this stands to do is significant.

You’re taking this whole thing quite seriously.

Why?

OP, I don’t have any good advice, but you come across level headed, you haven’t done anything wrong (and neither has your partner), and I wish you all the best navigating this situation.

Several of my friends have had terminations over the years. While they regretted the circumstances that brought them to that decision, they never regretted the actual termination. If they do, they haven’t admitted it, and we’ve referred to it at points over the years. Actually maybe one regretted it a bit - she was with her boyfriend for five years after and then he split with her and went off with someone else, and she thought if she had the baby he might have stayed.

One friend regretted having a baby. She only told me when she was very drunk and we’ve pretended the conversation never happened since. While it wasn’t a “I wish I never had him” it was a “ if I got to live my life over, I’d have it without children, I’d make different decisions”. It’s such an incredibly taboo thing to say that you regret having a child, I doubt anyone admits it to anyone publicly, if even to themselves. But there must be more than we think as otherwise no one would be taken into care and there’d be much less need for social workers and counsellors.

I don’t know exactly what to say except my heart goes out to those two poor little boys. Their dad is all they have now… Can you learn to love those boys like your own children? This man is clearly not happy about this turn of events but is too nice to tell you.

I don't know were any of her posts gave you that indication.

They have some of the biggest challenges blended families can face. One side with a child with additional needs and the other with significant childhood trauma from the loss of parent at a young age.

Coupled with the fact they dont even know their parents are in a relationship, and they go to school together and in less than a year they potentially are going to share a sibling.

It doesn't matter how nice they both are, there primary responsibilities isnt to each other, its to their individual children, and the both have been so irresponsible letting a pregnancy happen now, and selfish.

Honestly I would get in front of a therapist and think very carefully about what you decide to do, with out him. Being very honest about if you have the financial and emotional capabilities to manage how complex difficult this is going to be for everyone involved and then be able to manage a new child in the mix.

2-3 weeks is very early - period is only few days late

He isn’t in love though is he? It’s still early - that’s not to say he might not love her at some point.

Nobody is against him moving on, that’s exactly what he was doing when he started dating the OP… but there’s taking it slow and building up a relationship and then there is jumping to 100mph by throwing a baby in to the mix! That’s a lot.

It’s still very early days with this man, every long term relationship that you’ve had that has ended is wonderful for the first few months.

I think the fact that he still wears his wedding ring is very telling here, too.

I’m sorry OP as I know this is going to sound unkind but why….just….why?

It just seems so utterly selfish. It won’t improve your children’s lives, it certainly wouldn’t improve his kids poor lives, you’ve pretty much acknowledged that and yet say you’re leaning towards keeping it. Because YOU want a baby, but we can’t always have what we want! Your existing children should be your priority and his children his.

He might meet someone else as this relationship is new & he maybe not into OP, but will father role.
Marries new woman, she mother to the boys, is stepmother to your child.
maybe they move to next town.

thousands of things can burst the nice widower from school bubble.

This. Go and get a GP to test you.

"there are other things that can cause a rise in hcg levels apart from pregnancy."
Before you make any further plans, go and get your GP involved.

I would not pre-empt his reaction with a load of options. I’d just say I’m pregnant. And no way would I have an abortion.

Here’s the thing - I’m writing this after you updated us after you spoke to him and told him you’re pregnant.
I never got the “I’ve gotta drive these pineapples to Hawaii” feeling from you - in other words, you seem genuine and sincere to me. I don’t think anybody’s trying to trick anybody or force anybody into anything.

I’m not sure there even is a God - but one thing I am positive of, is SHIT HAPPENS.
And we deal with it the best we can. We play the hand we’re dealt. Right?

I keep threatening to needlepoint that on a pillow. I’m gonna have to do that.
Because, @Donaldfo, shit happens.
You’re gonna be okay. Because you’re you. ❤️

I have read the entire thread and based on my experiences during my career working with many bereaved children I would say that the OP needs to think very carefully about next steps.

The loss of a parent in childhood is a catastrophic event for children. These two boys must come first. A new sibling is not what they need and if I was the OP I would not continue the pregnancy.

I agree with other poster that the man is too nice to say he doesn't want a new child. His bereaved children are his entire focus and will be until they are grown. I can see no way he will want a blended family.

I am sorry you are all in this situation, it is extremely difficult and emotionally painful.

FWIW I think you've done the right thing telling him. My immediate thought is there isn't going to be a perfect, universally happy outcome for everyone here.

You could terminate. The children would be unaffected, their life would continue as normal. But the emotional effect on you/the father could be huge if this isn't what you want.

You could could continue the pregnancy and the relationship doesn't work out. You're then a single parent to 3 children, one with additional needs already. You'd be having to juggle children's relationships with two different dads. Financially and practically could you as a family cope? Thrive?

You could continue the pregnancy and the relationship continues. But how would that actually work once baby is here? At the time the baby is born you won't even have been together a year. That seems very early to be bringing two families physically together. If you do reach the stage of all living together, you're going to be a mother to 5 with everything that entails. Is that the life you want?

No one has a crystal ball, and no one can tell you what to do. Not an easy situation at all.

I wish you the best of luck OP but I think this situation has disaster written all over it. Sorry.

I’m a single parent and I just can’t imagine having another child - it wouldn’t add to my current children’s lives in any way, and would just take attention from them. I don’t even have the situation of bereaved children.

I absolutely 100% agree with this.

Whatever you decide OP, keep in mind that your man is likely going to struggle with complex and conflicting feelings here. He still loves his wife (wears the ring), he may feel like he's betrayed her, having a baby with someone who isn't his wife is going to be hard emotionally, he'll be concerned for his sons, and 3.5 years is a very short time in terms of such a close loss. At the same time he may see the baby as something to bring joy among the pain. If the baby is born, he may feel joy and sadness at the same time, due to the situation. All these feelings can exist together. While he 'moves forward', part of him will always be 'back there', with his deceased wife. She'll always be part of him and his life as he keeps her memory alive for their sons. It's messy.

Do what is best for the children already born, it would be incredibly selfish to do this to them

I get the feeling the OP is happy to continue with the pregnancy even if the Dad doesn’t want an active part in it.

Yes, a new sibling is likely not to be a welcome development for the dad’s children. But that alone wouldn’t convince me to have a termination if I was convinced the pregnancy was the right decision for my own family. Essentially she’d be terminating because of the likely effect on a near stranger’s children. Of course, they will have a permanent tie to her child but right now she doesn’t really know them apart from the odd play date.

if the Dad is as nice a man as the OP makes out, he should end their relationship. Anyone who came to me with a situation that would likely harm my children, and that person has it in their power to fix it but chooses not to, then they are not the right person to step parent my kids.

I agree with this. The poor boys have already been through so much at a young age. If things go well and you move in together everyone has to get used to a new way of life/new blended family. Adding another child just seems like a lot for everyone to take

But... that's what I would do.. ultimately it's up to you. Only you can answer this question.

You have to prioritise the children that are already here right now.

I was where you are, but without the pregnancy. The guilt of the late wife eventually got the better of both of us. Please bear that in mind in your conversations. I’m not saying it won’t work, as everyone is different, but grieving is a completely unpredictable thing and not to be underestimated.
Having said that, you both sound very grounded and I wish you all the best.

OP, honestly I don’t know why you would do this.

He is clearly a decent man, behaving a decently in the face of this news but obviously is not happy at the thought of a baby with you at this time.

So, life as a single Mum of 3, one with very high needs due to autism, complicated relationship with him, his kids, spilling out onto the lives of all the kids.

You didn’t set out to have a baby. Babies should be planned, in stable secure circumstances. Not thrust into chaos, an accident

He made his choices and this was a risk when he decided to have sex with OP, without a condom at least once, no less. He'd have known pregnancy could happen. Where was he thinking about his kids then?

Now the choice lies with OP and no person gets to tell her she is a bad person for choosing to not undergo a medical procedure (they all carry risks) that will end a child she might want and feel able to care for. Such a person wouldn't be a suitable father for my children.

A suitable father for my children takes responsibility for his own choices and actions.