Page 12 | Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/07/2025 22:29

DorothyandtheWizardry · 04/07/2025 22:25

A 'blessing' is a twee way of describing conception.
It's nothing to do with being 'blessed' (which implies believing in a God.

You don't know if she would regret a termination.

No woman who has a termination finds it easy.
It's a tough choice and usually one which is the 'best' choice of two situations. But it's always a tough decision.

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I've never met a single woman that was glad of a termination, only ever met women who regretted them via being pressured into them via the Dad or other people such as family or friends. I've also never met a single woman who regretted having an unplanned baby no matter what difficult circumstances let to it coming about. All that matters here is how OP feels about it, no one else.

Mirabai · 04/07/2025 22:29

Bottom line is you will most likely be a SM to 3 kids one of whom is autistic and I’m not convinced that’s doable.

I sense that you are dreaming about a new family with this man but the reality is, in the circs, that’s very unlikely to happen. You keep on going on about how nice he is but that’s totally irrelevant to the challenging situation he’s in. However nice, he has to be wise and consider his kids.

They have lost their mother, this is 2 month old relationship, you have 2 kids one with ASD. He’s very unlikely to disrupt his children’s lives for any kind of blended family that would be a total shock after all they’ve been through. If he decided to split if you choose to keep it, I think that would be the right decision for his kids.

Mirabai · 04/07/2025 22:30

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/07/2025 22:29

I've never met a single woman that was glad of a termination, only ever met women who regretted them via being pressured into them via the Dad or other people such as family or friends. I've also never met a single woman who regretted having an unplanned baby no matter what difficult circumstances let to it coming about. All that matters here is how OP feels about it, no one else.

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I only know one woman who regretted hers and that’s because she was happily married and and really wanted another child, only her husband didn’t. Literally everyone else it was the right decision for them.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 04/07/2025 22:31

This 100%. Sorry that was to a post saying adding a 5th child to this is just selfish.

MummyJ36 · 04/07/2025 22:34

If he didn’t want the risk of another child then he should have worn a condom. I know OP was on the pill but this is an incredibly early relationship to start taking “risks”. he did this as a consenting adult and therefore it is right that you discuss this as adults and take ownership of the situation. If you want to keep the baby you do it with the knowledge that they will be a lot of logistics and emotions to navigate but it is ultimately your choice.

Busted2006 · 04/07/2025 22:35

glad you told him op

Ignored124 · 04/07/2025 22:36

MummyJ36 · 04/07/2025 22:34

If he didn’t want the risk of another child then he should have worn a condom. I know OP was on the pill but this is an incredibly early relationship to start taking “risks”. he did this as a consenting adult and therefore it is right that you discuss this as adults and take ownership of the situation. If you want to keep the baby you do it with the knowledge that they will be a lot of logistics and emotions to navigate but it is ultimately your choice.

100%. Men know the risks . He is grieving his ex wife , ring still on the lot , but sleeping with OP. Why is it only his feelings we have to consider and his children ? I think it’s selfish of him starting something new if he can’t follow through , casual or not .

Newblackdress · 04/07/2025 22:37

Namerequired · 04/07/2025 22:22

I can’t believe the responses on here. She’s not planning on getting pregnant, it’s already happened. I’m pro choice but people here make it seem like termination is an easy choice.
Its unlikely she will have the baby and regret that choice. There’s nothing to say that all the children involved won’t love having a sibling.
Is it ideal? No. Is it going to be all sunshine and roses? Unlikely. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or it can’t work out. It doesn’t mean it’s not a blessing.

There's nothing to say that the 4 children won't love having a new sibling and merging their lives with another two children and another adult. But there's nothing to say they will love it either. Blended families often turn out badly for the children.

Omeara · 04/07/2025 22:37

TwoFeralKids · 04/07/2025 22:28

I don't see the issue to be honest. It has been a couple of years since he was widowed. I think it is nice he has met someone. I think enough time has passed for him to be able to move forward. I don't get the hysterical "get an abortion" stuff on here to be honest.

It’s not about him moving on, it is indeed lovely that he feels ready and able to do so. But he has two young children growing up without their mum. Their lives have been forever changed, two years is not a long time for them.

Sheepsheeps · 04/07/2025 22:40

I just want to say that yes the situation is absolutely far from ideal but, new life is such a wonderful blessing.
Realistically, how often is a new baby perfectly planned with all the stars aligned?

You may need to face this going alone or it might just be the best thing that's ever happened to you!

It's your body, your choice. Please do not be guided by other peoples personal opinions or make any decisions based around pleasing others. Trust me, there's no bigger regret than terminating a pregnancy due to pressure from others ....xx

TwoFeralKids · 04/07/2025 22:42

Omeara · 04/07/2025 22:37

It’s not about him moving on, it is indeed lovely that he feels ready and able to do so. But he has two young children growing up without their mum. Their lives have been forever changed, two years is not a long time for them.

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So should he never fall in love again? I am sure if that was our spouse we would want them to not be lonely. They might not understandably be ready for years and years.

MrsSunshine2b · 04/07/2025 22:44

The boys might love the idea of a younger sibling. It might be a bright spot of new life after losing their Mum. I think until you talk to him, you don't know. Not all older children hate their half siblings.

Omeara · 04/07/2025 22:45

TwoFeralKids · 04/07/2025 22:42

So should he never fall in love again? I am sure if that was our spouse we would want them to not be lonely. They might not understandably be ready for years and years.

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I didn’t say that. I expect my views may well be different as I have children that have lost a parent. It’s really tough.

heroinechic · 04/07/2025 22:48

TwoFeralKids · 04/07/2025 22:28

I don't see the issue to be honest. It has been a couple of years since he was widowed. I think it is nice he has met someone. I think enough time has passed for him to be able to move forward. I don't get the hysterical "get an abortion" stuff on here to be honest.

You honestly don’t see an issue with a woman getting pregnant by a person she has only been in a sexual relationship with for 8 weeks (sexually exclusive for 2 weeks)? They aren’t even in a relationship for heaven’s sake! Not to mention the fact that she has two children, one with additional needs, and the father has two children who lost their mother a few years ago.

The children don’t even know they’re together and in 8 months might be welcoming a sibling and suddenly living within a blended family. It’s not sensible to introduce a new partner for some time (and that’s without the huge destabilising loss of a parent) yet these children might be getting step siblings and a half sibling thrust upon them.

It’s not OP’s fault that this happened, they were taking reasonable steps to prevent it, but I can’t actually believe anyone would consider continuing with a pregnancy under these circumstances.

peppasfriendsmum · 04/07/2025 22:50

You need to tell him and go from there.

He knows how babies are made and he should be there to support you.

TwoFeralKids · 04/07/2025 22:50

heroinechic · 04/07/2025 22:48

You honestly don’t see an issue with a woman getting pregnant by a person she has only been in a sexual relationship with for 8 weeks (sexually exclusive for 2 weeks)? They aren’t even in a relationship for heaven’s sake! Not to mention the fact that she has two children, one with additional needs, and the father has two children who lost their mother a few years ago.

The children don’t even know they’re together and in 8 months might be welcoming a sibling and suddenly living within a blended family. It’s not sensible to introduce a new partner for some time (and that’s without the huge destabilising loss of a parent) yet these children might be getting step siblings and a half sibling thrust upon them.

It’s not OP’s fault that this happened, they were taking reasonable steps to prevent it, but I can’t actually believe anyone would consider continuing with a pregnancy under these circumstances.

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I don't genuinely see what it so bad about it? I get the impression OP is happy to risk being a single parent and cope with it whereas it seems like that is the worst thing to happen according to here. Plus OP has said she isn't asking about an abortion so to be telling her she should get one is not okay.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 04/07/2025 22:52

heroinechic · 04/07/2025 22:48

You honestly don’t see an issue with a woman getting pregnant by a person she has only been in a sexual relationship with for 8 weeks (sexually exclusive for 2 weeks)? They aren’t even in a relationship for heaven’s sake! Not to mention the fact that she has two children, one with additional needs, and the father has two children who lost their mother a few years ago.

The children don’t even know they’re together and in 8 months might be welcoming a sibling and suddenly living within a blended family. It’s not sensible to introduce a new partner for some time (and that’s without the huge destabilising loss of a parent) yet these children might be getting step siblings and a half sibling thrust upon them.

It’s not OP’s fault that this happened, they were taking reasonable steps to prevent it, but I can’t actually believe anyone would consider continuing with a pregnancy under these circumstances.

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Agreed. It's really selfish and irresponsible.

Missj25 · 04/07/2025 22:52

Donaldfo · 04/07/2025 13:09

Hi all,
Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really.

So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice.

Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant.

I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive.

Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either.

I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet.

Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says?

I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today.

Any thoughts appreciated x

Hey OP 👋..
Sit down & talk to him , take it from there , one step at a time ..
Wishing you well on whatever you decide on x x

Namerequired · 04/07/2025 22:54

DorothyandtheWizardry · 04/07/2025 22:25

A 'blessing' is a twee way of describing conception.
It's nothing to do with being 'blessed' (which implies believing in a God.

You don't know if she would regret a termination.

No woman who has a termination finds it easy.
It's a tough choice and usually one which is the 'best' choice of two situations. But it's always a tough decision.

Show quote history

It is a bit twee tbf especially as I don’t believe in god, but the sentiment is still there.
I didn’t say she would regret a termination, I said it’s unlikely she will regret having the baby if that’s the choice she makes.
I am pro choice and I agree a termination is a difficult choice, but people here are just throwing it out there like it’s not. Like there isn’t another option.

lastapache · 04/07/2025 22:54

OP I didn’t realise from your first post that it wasn’t a “keep or terminate” advice you were looking for. It was “I’m keeping and how do I navigate” advice you were looking for.

As for navigation, you’ve done exceptionally well so far. Remember you’ve known about the pregnancy for a little longer than him so his reaction is as best as you could have expected.

i would love to be all positive vibes and say congratulations, but you have an exceptionally tough road ahead. I think you know that though.

Praying4Peace · 04/07/2025 22:55

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/07/2025 22:29

I've never met a single woman that was glad of a termination, only ever met women who regretted them via being pressured into them via the Dad or other people such as family or friends. I've also never met a single woman who regretted having an unplanned baby no matter what difficult circumstances let to it coming about. All that matters here is how OP feels about it, no one else.

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My experience has been different.
I've met ladies who are relieved after having a termination and others who have regretted having their children

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/07/2025 22:58

2 mths isn’t long and to being a baby into a relationship would be hard

but equally you have 4 other children to consider

Inyournewdress · 04/07/2025 22:58

Omeara · 04/07/2025 22:45

I didn’t say that. I expect my views may well be different as I have children that have lost a parent. It’s really tough.

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I think OP said it’s 3.5 years since their tragic loss. and as I said upthread that’s still so raw for those children. I am so sorry for them.

I don’t know though that OP can be expected to have a termination she doesn’t want based on that. It’s not a foregone conclusion that a sibling would be a disaster for the kids, it may be wonderful for them if handled carefully. It may not though. But even still, OP could keep and raise this child without them even knowing it is a half sibling

peppasfriendsmum · 04/07/2025 23:04

@Donaldfo apologies I didn’t rtft before replying!

I am so glad you told him well done- sleep on it now and one day at a time.

And fwiw plenty of people get pregnant on the pill I wouldn’t be going over all that now it’s pointless it’s in the past.

Look after yourself and it would be lovely to keep hearing your updates.

Babies are the biggest blessing and timing will never always be right.

scritter · 04/07/2025 23:04

There are some alarming comments on this thread. Many of them are dressed up as being compassionate and benevolent, when in fact, they are closer to being the opposite.