Page 11 | Bit of a situation with widowed dad from school… need advice

Donaldfo · 2025-07-04T12:09:08+00:00

Hi all, Bit of a long one and honestly not sure what I’m after really. So I’ve been seeing this widowed dad from my youngest’s school. Started off just chatting at pick up, then a coffee, then it sort of turned into a thing. He lost his wife a couple years back, proper lovely guy, really good dad to his two boys. We’ve been seeing each other a couple months, nothing serious serious, but nice. Anyway, here’s the thing – I’ve just found out I’m pregnant. I was on the pill and we were using condoms (bar one time – classic) so it’s a bit of a shock. I’ve taken two tests and both positive. Haven’t told him yet. Was going to say something this weekend when we’ve got a bit of time together. I’m not expecting him to throw confetti or anything but I don’t think he’ll freak out either. I’ve got two kids already (from a previous ex – all calm there), and wasn’t planning on another. But I don’t feel panicked like I thought I would? Probably cos I actually like him and I don’t feel like I’m on my own with it, even though I’ve not told him yet. Just wondering what others would do in this situation. Do I go in with all the options laid out or just say it and see what he says? I know people might have views about the widowed dad thing but we’ve both been adults about it, no drama. Just not what I expected to be dealing with today. Any thoughts appreciated x

SecondVerseSameAsThe1st · 04/07/2025 21:36

TaffetaPhrases · 04/07/2025 21:21

Don’t do this to his kids.

Unbelievably selfish.

goldfishbowl2025 · 04/07/2025 21:37

I think this is so bloody irresponsible. Just messing with so many lives and mostly those boys. I mean why bring a baby into all of this.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/07/2025 21:37

CoffeeCupper · 04/07/2025 21:15

I read your post with interest .. I am SO Sorry to say this but I think you are absolutely mad and really not thinking straight !!! This Man is recently widowed with a young family and believe me .. ' They are his priority I'm afraid, ' not you . You really need to be realistic here and not so selfish .. get back to the real world and think of his children and yours .
How do you even know he would want this , he is obviously still grieving and you can't even see it . I don't want to hurt you but I really do speak with conviction here .. I myself am recently widowed and my children are older than his , there is absolutely no way would I be ready for a situation like this with a woman I barely know .. Get a grip .. this is not a ' Fairytale ' . Sorry if you don't like this answer but as an outsider I see it for what it is .. WRONG ...

What an awful response. Its up to the op not anybody else what she does with her own body!!!!

pontipinemum · 04/07/2025 21:38

It is a hard situation and I don't know how I would do but I think take your time.

You were completely right to tell him

Chungai · 04/07/2025 21:39

My own kids are my first priority too and always will be. If this relationship ever did clash with what’s best for them, they’d come first, no question.

Is having another baby as a single parent what's best for them?

Foreverm0re · 04/07/2025 21:40

It’s been 3 and a half years, he’s allowed a life.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/07/2025 21:41

MumWifeOther · 04/07/2025 21:04

This. I wouldn’t be able to do it to those two little boys. 💔

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You have absolutely no idea how those "two little boys" would respond to this situation.
Everyone is piling on to the OP for getting pregnant when it appears she did everything in her power to prevent it, and now that it has happened everyone is pushing for "abortion as contraception" when she's clearly stated that she may want to keep it. Be different if it wasn't what OP wanted. But it sounds like she does.. sickening. This is a human life we are talking about.

Daisylookslost · 04/07/2025 21:45

OP you sound sensible, measured and emotionally intelligent. If you wish to consider the father’s feelings on this then that is what you do. Having a younger half sibling is not necessarily going to be more negative than positive for the respective children.
Not an ideal situation…mmmm but supposedly ideal families can be far from it under the surface.
All the best with this 🌸 stay strong x

WellMaybeYouShouldntBeLivingHeeeeeeee · 04/07/2025 21:48

goldfishbowl2025 · 04/07/2025 21:37

I think this is so bloody irresponsible. Just messing with so many lives and mostly those boys. I mean why bring a baby into all of this.

I completely agree.

CunningLinguist2 · 04/07/2025 21:50

Can I just say that a) he sounds lovely! And b)you do too. Utterly reasonable, level-headed, considerate and kind. The both of you.
i am sure whatever you jointly decide to do, you’ve every chance of navigating it well. Together.

Zellycat · 04/07/2025 21:52

IMO
he left the meeting w OP and cried.

This was not in his plan at all. Now he’s having a child with a person he knows well, and has been intimate with only over 8 weeks.

Now he’s got a complicated life.

Ignored124 · 04/07/2025 21:53

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/07/2025 21:37

What an awful response. Its up to the op not anybody else what she does with her own body!!!!

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This thread has gone down the usual first family is always best , step mums are heinous and children are ALWAYS damaged by a new sibling , relationship etc . No one can move on and if you do , give up your life for the first family( usually the ex wife ). It doesn’t matter that this child is there own flesh and blood , they are a nuisance , a problem and and a way for perfect mumsnetters to get on their high horse !!!!

Ignored124 · 04/07/2025 21:56

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/07/2025 21:41

You have absolutely no idea how those "two little boys" would respond to this situation.
Everyone is piling on to the OP for getting pregnant when it appears she did everything in her power to prevent it, and now that it has happened everyone is pushing for "abortion as contraception" when she's clearly stated that she may want to keep it. Be different if it wasn't what OP wanted. But it sounds like she does.. sickening. This is a human life we are talking about.

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I agree with that and I am pro choice, but this is child we are talking about. This man knows sex can mean babies . He was always going to move on at some point .

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/07/2025 21:56

Ignored124 · 04/07/2025 21:53

This thread has gone down the usual first family is always best , step mums are heinous and children are ALWAYS damaged by a new sibling , relationship etc . No one can move on and if you do , give up your life for the first family( usually the ex wife ). It doesn’t matter that this child is there own flesh and blood , they are a nuisance , a problem and and a way for perfect mumsnetters to get on their high horse !!!!

Edited

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Exactly! Its utterly sickening tbh that this ladies bodily autonomy has been given up to protecting everyone else's feelings apart from her own!!!! Yes, its an "unwanted pregnancy", but its happened now and she has tentatively hinted at being pleased. Its upto OP where she goes from here NO ONE ElSE

CyclingMumKent · 04/07/2025 22:04

I had this exact same situation, except we conceived the first night we got together.
we had two primary age kids each who were friends.
the new baby has been wonderful and has just turned three.
we do not live together but spend weekends together.
my partner agrees that giving our kids a sibling has been a great gift and has brought us joy.
good luck

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 04/07/2025 22:09

Zellycat · 04/07/2025 21:52

IMO
he left the meeting w OP and cried.

This was not in his plan at all. Now he’s having a child with a person he knows well, and has been intimate with only over 8 weeks.

Now he’s got a complicated life.

That's not op's problem!

Omeara · 04/07/2025 22:09

MumWifeOther · 04/07/2025 21:04

This. I wouldn’t be able to do it to those two little boys. 💔

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My children have lost a parent. I just cannot imagine the turmoil it would cause if I introduced another child into the mix.

They need to be at the heart of any decision that’s made, they are dealing with far more than they should be at their ages already.

GrandmasCat · 04/07/2025 22:15

I am hoping for you and all involved that the conversation you are going to have tomorrow gives you some relief rather than heartache.

Bringing another baby to the world is lovely, but if he prefers not to keep in touch after tonight, remember you can manage but let your head rule over your heart. Raising 2 children on your own is difficult, raising 3 may throw you out of balance, which might not be the best outcome for any of your kids.

Best of luck 💐

Ibelievetheworldisburningtotheground · 04/07/2025 22:17

It sounds like at the very least you are both being calm and mature re talking about it. I hope that continues.

DorothyandtheWizardry · 04/07/2025 22:20

I think your news has knocked him for 6.
Saying so little doesn't always equal 'calm' it can mean shit scared and WTF?

It's very unusual to get pregnant if you are on the pill and have sex without a condom only once in 8 weeks. Your Pill's clearly not working so regardless of what happens now, you should see your GP and discuss contraception.

My take on this is you have to be really clear headed over the worst case scenario.

That is being a single parent to this child. He may disappear or he may be involved with his child but not with you.

How would you feel if he supported his child financially, but didn't want you and met someone else who he married?

It's far far too early to even think of being together long term. You simply don't know him - or he you.

You also need to be aware that at 2-3 weeks pregnant, you could miscarry. Personally Id have waited for at least another month unless you feel very strongly that you want a termination.

I hope it works out the way you both want.

Namerequired · 04/07/2025 22:22

I can’t believe the responses on here. She’s not planning on getting pregnant, it’s already happened. I’m pro choice but people here make it seem like termination is an easy choice.
Its unlikely she will have the baby and regret that choice. There’s nothing to say that all the children involved won’t love having a sibling.
Is it ideal? No. Is it going to be all sunshine and roses? Unlikely. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or it can’t work out. It doesn’t mean it’s not a blessing.

LondonPapa · 04/07/2025 22:23

Donaldfo · 04/07/2025 20:33

Quick update after speaking to him – thank you again for all the input, I’ve been reading everything even if I haven’t replied to every comment.

I told him earlier this evening. He was quiet for a second and then asked if I’d be willing to take another test with him so we could be 100% sure. Fair enough really. He said he couldn’t just sit on it all night wondering and wanted clarity. He popped out and came back with one of the Clearblue digital ones, and I did it. It came back saying Pregnant 2–3 weeks (might’ve been 3+ but I was a bit shaky by then tbh).

He just looked at it for a while and said “Right… ok.” Then went really quiet for a bit. I didn’t push him. He said he hadn’t really thought about having more children, same way he hadn’t really imagined being in another relationship again. I totally get that, I felt the same. I was quite content on my own with the kids and just focused on family and work. But we started talking more over time – I’ve known him since our youngest boys were in reception, from parties and playdates and chatting at pick-up – and things just grew from there.

He did say he’s worried about how his wife’s family will take it. They’ve always told him they just want him to be happy, and they’ve been supportive of him getting back out into the world again. But he admitted tonight that now something’s actually happened, he’s not sure if those words will still hold. I didn’t say much to that – it’s his to navigate – but I listened.

He asked me what I want to do. I told him I’m still figuring that out but leaning towards keeping it. I didn’t push for a reaction and he didn’t give me one straight away, just said “Ok, that’s fair” and asked if we can talk more tomorrow when it’s had time to settle. So we will.

Just to clear up a few things some posters have mentioned – I wasn’t planning to get pregnant. I know some seem to be reading it like I’ve just gone after this with some kind of agenda, but I was taking the pill correctly and we used condoms except that one time. I really didn’t think this would happen.

I know his boys are incredibly important to him, as is his wife. He still wears his wedding ring and I’ve never had an issue with that. He says it would feel strange to take it off and I completely understand. This doesn’t take anything away from her.

My own kids are my first priority too and always will be. If this relationship ever did clash with what’s best for them, they’d come first, no question.

Also worth saying I didn’t start this thread to ask whether I should have an abortion. I understand why people want to give that perspective, and it’s helpful in a way to hear the blunt truths, but that wasn’t what I came here for. I just needed a space to talk it through and figure out what the hell I’m doing.

We’re going to speak again tomorrow when the dust’s settled a bit.

Honestly, please consider your situationship over. He is not onboard, it’s clear from your writing. I suspect you’ve missed his subtle attempts to get across how not okay he is with this, and you may find he either comes out with it or leaves you to deal alone.

DorothyandtheWizardry · 04/07/2025 22:25

Namerequired · 04/07/2025 22:22

I can’t believe the responses on here. She’s not planning on getting pregnant, it’s already happened. I’m pro choice but people here make it seem like termination is an easy choice.
Its unlikely she will have the baby and regret that choice. There’s nothing to say that all the children involved won’t love having a sibling.
Is it ideal? No. Is it going to be all sunshine and roses? Unlikely. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or it can’t work out. It doesn’t mean it’s not a blessing.

A 'blessing' is a twee way of describing conception.
It's nothing to do with being 'blessed' (which implies believing in a God.

You don't know if she would regret a termination.

No woman who has a termination finds it easy.
It's a tough choice and usually one which is the 'best' choice of two situations. But it's always a tough decision.

BruFord · 04/07/2025 22:27

Namerequired · 04/07/2025 22:22

I can’t believe the responses on here. She’s not planning on getting pregnant, it’s already happened. I’m pro choice but people here make it seem like termination is an easy choice.
Its unlikely she will have the baby and regret that choice. There’s nothing to say that all the children involved won’t love having a sibling.
Is it ideal? No. Is it going to be all sunshine and roses? Unlikely. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or it can’t work out. It doesn’t mean it’s not a blessing.

@Namerequired I don’t think that anyone believes that termination is an easy choice. Bringing up three children as a single parent isn’t an easy choice either, especially as her ex isn’t a hands-on Dad.

So the OP has two difficult choices.

TwoFeralKids · 04/07/2025 22:28

I don't see the issue to be honest. It has been a couple of years since he was widowed. I think it is nice he has met someone. I think enough time has passed for him to be able to move forward. I don't get the hysterical "get an abortion" stuff on here to be honest.