Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

[Familydrama25]

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

Both at 21 and now I have lived alone in my own place. In some ways the two relationships are similar, we have our own homes, work, and go on holidays together.

I can't imagine have a baby with two different men and not living with either of them. That's not a family. Why have you done it that way? No wonder your mum is fed up that you are going to do it the same way again. Certainly at 21 I can see why it would have been very financially advantageous for you to be pretend to be a 'single mum' initially and to be fair, you did indeed end up single.

But why would you want to do that again? Is it still financially advantageous? You say this man is well off enough to look after you and that you go on holiday together but your parents don't even know who he is, even though they are a regular part of you and your child's lives. How long have you been an exclusive couple?

I'd have thought if this relationship was serious and going anywhere they'd have been introduced to him long before a pregnancy announcement was needed. Even that you did alone, not with him. That speaks volumes.

Congratulations darling,this is heartbreaking though that you have to listen to this,your Dad sounds amazing and good on him,I hope your Mum comes round,she could be like this cause she's looking out for you and worried you won't cope but could but more civil in the way she does it,families eh they can be hard work at times,personally I think id try to work on her and see why she's so against this baby and hopefully she will be happy once baby is here xx

Oh gosh you're only 21! I thought you meant you had your first at 21.

Op what on earth. This puts you in such a vulnerable situation. How do you expect to work and raise a child? It doesn't matter what he does for a living as he's practically a kid too and not your husband. There's no guarantee he'll support you two just because his job is good. And tying yourself to him via a kid...just such a risk.

Get proof of his income asap like photocopy a of paystubs incase you need to claim childsupport. Do this as a point of urgency. And update them every 6 months. This way if he leaves you can hopefully claim child support.

I'm inclined to be kinder on you as you're just a young thing but this is still such a monumental mess.

Perhaps speak to your GP about having your tubes tied at delivery of this child/soon after. Two kids is enough and it seems like you can't be counted on to properly use birth control.

She's 27

No she's 27. She had her first at 21 with a different man.

Yes, this. Most mums wouldn't jump for joy about this situation and most mums would hope for better. Add to that the fact that the OP relies on her mum for childcare and is probably expecting to again. This isn't a random friend - it's her own mother who is naturally invested in their child's life and moreover will be shouldering childcare responsibilities again.

Yeah, this. I understand where your mother is coming from.

Congratulations OP!

OK, so, this issue is very much your Mum's and your Mum's alone. There is something underlying to with her that she is not sharing.

It could be that reminder of how old she is getting (although most grandparents welcome kids), or it could be how you haven't listened to her advice (from her perspective only) by having another child, or she could be a narcissist, as well as many, many other less obvious reasons.

It's time to be candid. Brutally candid. She is being brutal herself, after all, but not honest. Conversations so far have only beat around the bush and she hasn't been honest and you don't know what to say when she is being that way. You could start by speaking with your Dad and push him HARD to try and get to the truth of the matter, assuming he knows, that is.

I personally would focus on doing your best to work on detaching your emotions when it comes to your Mum's opinions, as that is all they are, opinions (that no one else shares). In this case, they are meaningless. You have nothing to lose as your relationship with your Mum is already broken. So you may as well roll the dice and challenge her, trying to be as matter of fact as possible yourself and really focus on minimising your emotions, if possible. I know it will be hard. I think if you stood up to your Mum sternly and asked her what her real issue is and keep repeating until you pull it out of her, the worst case scenarios is she removes herself for a while and you get breathing space (win-win). The best case is that it resets her cruel thought process and allows a new relationship to grow. It sounds like she needs Therapy.

Personally, I would hit her hard and straight by telling her you do not want to go to Disney with her. SHE, THE REAL CHILD DOES NOT GET TO GO! Unless she honestly and compassionately embraces your new addition and her relationship with you. She is a Bully. You could go with just your partner and children, or you could invite your Dad only. Someone needs to make a stand now, otherwise this will go on for the rest of your life. You only get one life and people that cause us anxiety and misery should be no part of it! Take. A. Stand!

Good luck OP!!!

Ah gotcha, I thought I'd misread the first time.

In that case, the return to the question of - when are you getting married then?
And if it's not a consideration, why not? Because if you've known him long enough to have his child, he's known you long enough to put a ring on your finger. And get you down the aisle before baby arrives.

Ah that explains alot why she's like this then..she won't have that control over you or the baby this time and knows there will be big changes and she's probably scared id say and this is how she's fighting back instead of talking..God mams are a handful sometimes,she will come round xx

She is not 21, though.

Op there seems to be some confusion over whether you still live with your parents or not. I thought you moved in with them temporarily over covid. Other people seem to think you still live there. Which is it?

She sounds like someone who is unhappy and insecure about their own life choices and is projecting that onto everyone else.

My mum actually had quite a similar response to both my pregnancies. With my first, I told her and her reaction was ‘are you okay? was this planned?!’

I was a 32 year old happily married financially secure professional who was exactly in the perfect point in life to start a family. 🤷🏻‍♀️ She acted like I was 14 and telling her I’d need to leave school because I got knocked up.

I don’t even know what her reaction to my 2nd was, but she’d spent the best part of 2 years before regularly saying, ‘I hope you aren’t thinking of having another!’ I was 37 when I had him, still happily married, successful career, doing very well (with no family support, I’d point out).

I think a lot of it has to do with how much she struggled as a mother. She couldn’t cope, but instead of admitting that, she came up with this story in her head about how I couldn’t cope with being a parent. Dh and I have coped just fine, thanks.

We are NC now for unrelated reasons.

It isn’t just her Mum’s issue.

I wouldn’t be thrilled if my daughter was a single parent with a 5 year old, and then told me she was having a baby with someone else who she isn’t married to or doesn’t live with. I’d be extremebly upset.

Where’s the stability? Where’s the commitment? DP can walk away tomorrow, he’s not tied down in any way.

As DP has a great job he can buy a ring. He and OP can work together to build a stable home for the two kids.

I think this the main issue with situations like this ppl are rarely honest about how much help their grandparents provide for those own kids smh

Not everything can be excused under the mental health barrier, in many cases it's just how some people are.
When we told my MIL that, after being married for 8 years, I was pregnant with her first grandchild her first words were 'How will you manage his meals when you're in hospital?'.
When first child had just turned 1 we told her that I was pregnant with her second grandchild, this time her bon mots were 'Oh, you're like bloody rabbits!'.
This was her nature, a man's comfort etc came first whatever the circumstance and, in her case, there should be about 8 years between babies!

Awwww, I'm so sorry @Familydrama25 how incredibly rude of them. Sadly, I had a similar reaction from my mother who thought I was 'very silly' when I told her I was pregnant because I was 'only around 30' and there was plenty of time yet. 🙄 She literally rolled her eyes, and sighed. No 'congratulations, how lovely!' or anything.

Upshot was, she didn't like my DH, because he wasn't a 'yes man' like the rest of the men in my family, who were dominated by their women (think Jack and Vera Duckworth.) My DH took no shit from her and she didn't like it. She secretly hoped we would break up, and me being pregnant meant there would always be a connection between us. Then I got pregnant the following year too, and had a second child with my DH. 😂I didn't even tell her, I just waited for her to notice, and told her I didn't care what she thought. She said nothing this time. Nothing!

Long story short, by the time my 2 DC were around 6 months old, and one and a half, she absolutely doted on them, and was the best grandmother she could have been. Absolutely loved them. (Still never liked my DH though, and the feeling was mutual! They tolerated each other at best.) My dad loved them to bits too! 😃 When my DC were teenagers, my parents both passed away sadly.

Anyway CONGRATULATIONS!

Maybe they should have worked together to build a stable home before bringing another child on the scene.

Last year she had even booked a holiday for the three of them! I thought we were all invited, took time off work to find out that I wasn't even considered.

This is very odd behaviour from your DM

Detach her emotions from her big meany Mum.

maybe her mum is feeling her age & doesn’t want to look after a kid & baby.

Maybe detach her need for childcare too.

Sorry trying to catch up with all the messages. I appreciate everyone's input as hard as it is to read some!

Funnily enough I hate running my mum down because yes she does help out but I think we've crossed a line where it takes over. We live close by and it's casual whether she pops up, I pop down, or just text regards school pick up. It does make it easy for me to let her carry on as she seems to want to do these things. I don't actually ask, she has just taken on this role.
I try to utilise this time and then come down later for my son (around dinner time). But now I've decided to stop doing this and take more of the school gate role. At the time it seemed to work as I was able to earn more by working instead but I think I'm switching my priorities now because it's sending the wrong message.

She sounds like someone who is unhappy and insecure about their own life choices and is projecting that onto everyone else.

No she doesn't. It sounds like someone who is unhappy about their own life and their own free time being hijacked and railroaded in order to provide much needed support to a daughter who is going to have another baby, essentially as a single parent, not in a stable relationship and not co-habiting with the father of either of her children. Her parents are expecting to need to fill the financial, emotional and practical gap where a husband should be. That's why she's pissed off. She hasn't been given a choice in this, but she'll be made to feel selfish and judgemental if she doesn't.

Maybe your mum is tired.
I mean, literally tired. You say she's retired now, so she must be over 70?

I'll be 70 next year and I'm starting to wind down. I wouldn't cope with school runs every day now, although I'd help when possible.

So you're in a stable relationship with Dad No.2? Living together, or going to? If he can provide for the family financially, you won't have to ask your parents for a thing, and they won't have any input on your decisions. That'll help establish your independence as a family unit.

It also sounds like everything your mum does for your son is extra input you don't actually need. You're just letting her do it because it makes her feel useful. You don't actually need her to make your son tea or do the school run? If that's the case, then it won't be hard to step up and start doing it all yourself. You can be nice about it. Just explain that you want to establish your own routines, with the baby coming.

It's not like she can actually take your son from you, after all. You don't even live with her! All you have to do is say no to her. Make different arrangements, and tell the school DM can only pick up DS when you've called ahead to let them know it'll be happening. That way she can't just show up at the school gate anymore after you've told her not to.

It sounds like everything is fine and and you just need to be a bit firmer saying no to your mum. Unless, of course, you've relied on her a lot more than you say, and this is all spin. Got to be honest . . . I suspect it is, and you've leaned on her more than you're pretending.

In which case you need to take some accountability. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't accept as much help as it sounds like you have - overnights, school runs, meals, potentially holidays too - and act like it's all been forced upon you against your will. You're 27. Just say no and do it yourself. Not in the silly passive aggressive way the other poster suggested. Just "Me and DP would really like to have dinner every night together". "I'm so grateful for your help last time, but I feel like I've found my footing now." "Work is more flexible now so I'll be taking over the school run. Thank you so much for your help. I'm really looking forward to that extra time with DS." That kind of thing. Not "Your face looks ugly when you're mean" and all that. Be an adult. Be firm, but gracious. You can do this!

Do you have the luxury of that choice, OP? If you can't earn money when picking up your son, how are you going to bridge that gap, or can you catch up in the evenings? How will that work when there is a new baby in the mix?