Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

[Familydrama25]

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

Mumsnet has become very dull with these sorts of responses.

Congratulations.

Are you independent or do you rely on your parents for support? And is your relationship with your partner stable? Is he happy? That may explain her feelings.

I may support my kids emotionally but not physically or financially if they decide to have many children and are relying on me for support. I want to enjoy my elderly years. Raising children is a massive responsibility and expensive.

Congratulations!
Sorry that things aren't great with your mum.
I wonder if she's still grieving for the "might have been" life that you gave up when you had DS at 21, and had been thinking now he's at school you might have been planning to do something (I don't know obviously - was there some ambition you had at 21 which you gave up when you got pregnant?)
That might be a bit if a reach, I was just speculating about why someone might react so selfishly. Did you rely on her a lot for childcare with your first child?

Unfortunately you can't fix people, so a bit more distance between you might be better.

Slightyamusedandsilly · Today 10:02
'I have reread the ^'s first post. A KEY quote reads,^
'I decided I will come down with some scan photos'.
She still lives with her parents!!!!! '

...'come down' could mean down the country, down the road, anything.

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy. And I’m due December 1st also! I’m sorry she’s giving you this extra stress and not being happy for you.

We do need more background on why she’s reacting this way. If you rely on her a lot for housing, financial support, or childcare, then she may have a point and of course would be able to say no to helping out with a further child.

If none of that is relevant and you’re living separately, independent financially, and don’t rely on her for childcare, then she just sounds bitter, horrible, and like someone you should consider distancing yourself from.

These were my thoughts too but, given the pregnancy is already underway and clearly not in question re continuing, she was mean and rude and I’m sorry for that. Congratulations on your pregnancy op.

Sorry but I'm team mum. One child by accident...meh, these things happen. Now another one with a different father? What a cock up.

It doesn't even sound like this guy is a big part of your life. Had he even suggested marriage seen as you're carrying his child?

Be prepared for either longterm singledom or a life of dating assholes looking to take advantage now. Because there aren't many good men out there looking to take on a woman with two kids by two different dads. I'm assuming this bloke won't stick around by the way you're talking about him too.

If I was your mum I'd be heartbroken for you. Sorry.

I guess the small mercy is you're young so by the time you are 40 you can get back to independence again hopefully. Assuming you haven't saddled yourself to some rotten guy just for the company that is.

There's obviously a lot of backstory here that you haven't mentioned.

I felt a bit manipulated reading the OP because it was very skewed towards making the reader agree with her.

But, unless OP's mum is just a horrible cow, I think there's more to it.

Just to answer a few questions that have popped up.

Both at 21 and now I have lived alone in my own place. In some ways the two relationships are similar, we have our own homes, work, and go on holidays together.

The father is different this time but has a good job, well off which my dad is happy about as he likes to think someone is in a position to be able to "take care of us". My parents are quite traditional.

When I had my first, it was covid time and was offered to move in with them for extra help. Odd times but it was all or nothing. I did and appreciated the help although naturally they've had a big influence right from the start.

I find my mum can be really practically helpful but a bit overbearing. When I had first moved out, she kept inviting me over for dinner every night which I thought was nice but it made it difficult to make my own way in life. Growing up, I never learned basic skills (cooking/cleaning etc.) because she would just do it all, and I felt "in the way". She is the kind to take over and do everything. I had applied to schools for my little one only to find out she had done it as well.

She didn't really like the transition into our own house, saying that she misses him or slightest thing going wrong she will pick him up. She wants him at her house if it's a school night saying "I won't get him there" (I've never not got him to school/nursery). I think she still see's me as the lazy teen who used to sleep in. It has always felt like a battle taking him out of their care rather than supported. I feel like I've been constantly put down saying I "won't cope" to the point I started to believe it!!

As for childcare, my work is flexible and now he's at school I can work around these hours but it is helpful that she doesn't mind picking him up from school so I can work over these hours or of an evening. It's been made easy for me to do so as if anything I feel like a burden coming into their home, "upsetting their routine" as she would say. Sometimes it's great that she seems to like it, telling me stories at the school gate and park they go to and as she's retired, I think in some ways it gives her this purpose. It's hard to create those healthy boundaries, I feel like she wants to take my son and I've been pushed away. Last year she had even booked a holiday for the three of them! I thought we were all invited, took time off work to find out that I wasn't even considered.

Anyway so I definitely have new ideas on the new arrival on how to do things now I know what it's like, but she does seem to have this idea in her head that she's going to have the baby which is perhaps why she reacted like that.

If it turns out there's more to the story here, this response would be utterly deranged, and likely only succeed in pushing OP's mother over the edge. It's likely OP's mum has been far from "an absolute cow" and has in fact given her a lot of support over the past five years.

The situation seems to be that OP is 27, and living with her parents. The father of DS1 is not in the picture, and her relationship with the father of DC2 is either so new, or so shaky, that her parents don't even know who he is. Notice she says "they know I'm seeing someone" and "I've confirmed he's the father". He wasn't there to break the news with her. It sounds like they've never even met him.

Her mum is frustrated at how irresponsible she's been, and worried about the impact on DS, by the sound of it. OP needs to grow up and take some accountability. Not tape affirmations about how evil her mother is to the mirror! And definitely don't start patronising her like a child. This passive aggressive nonsense is not the way to go, unless she actually wants her mum to bin her off for good.

So will she have the baby? Does she help financially?

Since you live on your own, if you're not making demands on them, then she is just a horrible cow with her reaction. Even if she's worried for you.

It sounds like they don't have a lot of faith in your ability to cope. Is there a good reason for this?

Okay so from your update it sounds like your mum loves you but massively struggles with boundaries! She is happy as a family of three with her your 5-year-old and isn't sure she you wants another baby.

While it was nice of them to help you out with your DS (you were young and there was a pandemic), I think I'd be gradually putting some more boundaries in to make clear this is your family and your kids!

Her reaction wasn’t good but her question is still valid, why did you decide to have another child when it looks like you’ll be doing it mostly alone again?

I have a cousin who had 3 children (she wanted a boy) by 25 - it’s all well and good to love children but realistically a lot of the burden fell on my aunt because my cousin just didn’t have the logistics or maturity to cope with everything alone.

If DD had one child young (so did I) I’d support her 100%, but after the first one you know all the real implications of parenthood so if you want a second one, that’s on you.

@SnoopyPajamas Read the update. OP has partner have own homes, jobs, OP works flexibly.

@SnoopyPajamas She literally says she's got her own place, and that her Dad is happy that her new DP has a good job.

OP, there's a lot to unpack but you're doing a good job of unpacking it. Yes basically they still see you as a child, and you need to keep pointing out to them that you are not, and that their reaction is really hurtful. I'd scale back on accepting their "help" massively. Could you host them e.g. for Sunday Lunch and make them see you having a house and being an adult?

She helps a lot.
That is a good thing, allow her keep the strong bond with DC1, you'll need the help, the relationship you describe is casual. I hope he at last expects to live together with the newborn, or is he planning on living separately.

Not with a newborn.

Are heavily reliant on your parents for day to day childcare, This isn't very cleur. You don't even live with your partner. Not great is it.

Sounds like she's in her own drama triangle. I found reading up on it very useful when dealing with family drama. It made me realise that one can be stuck in a 'rescuer' mode, even if there's no rescuing required.

I would be backing away and keeping things strictly social unless you absolutely want her involvement.

Where are the dads in this? Why don’t you live with your partner? How much parenting does your son’s dad do?

How did your mum apply for a school? Assume she doesn’t have parental responsibility. Did DC’s dad have any input?

You are being very vague OP. But basically you are a single parent, who has decided to have another baby with a different man (but still going to be a single parent), and are reliant on your mum for childcare so that you can work.

That's not what I'd hope for my children so I totally understand why your mum might be upset!

So your mum has your son after school almost every day?

Is your mum picking your son up from school every day and giving him his dinner? Do you take him to school yourself? I expect your mum is thinking her workload is going to double with an extra child. It sounds like your mum is doing a lot for you already.

So you don’t even live with father number 2? I’m not surprised your mum isn’t thrilled.

Mum could put her foot down about having the son after school each day. I know I wouldn't do it everyday, except in the most dire of situations. I do sometimes like to be able to go out for the day without having to watch the clock now.