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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

442 replies

Familydrama25 · 04/07/2025 01:48

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

OP posts:
HideousKinky · 04/07/2025 06:36

I think you have to tell us more about how much (if at all) you rely on your mother for help with the child you already have?
Are you financially independent? Do you live with your parents?

WhatNoRaisins · 04/07/2025 06:37

It's hard to tell from here OP. Technically you deciding to have a baby isn't her business but did she have to help co-parent your first DC? In an age with available contraception I think it's potentially quite traumatising for a woman to be pushed into being an unwilling co-parent. Is she worried that it will be a repeat of when DC1 was a baby and she doesn't want to repeat it? Or else has it made her a bit more enmeshed with DC1 and her concern is how it will affect him.

I hope you have a more settled life now and your DM will realise things are different and come round to this.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 04/07/2025 06:39

As others have said if you rely on her for money or childcare then that is different to you being completely independent - are you completely independent?

Dozer · 04/07/2025 06:43

Your mum might be awful in general, but depending on your circumstances there might be valid reasons she might be concerned about or disagree with your decisions on this.

TwoFeralKids · 04/07/2025 06:43

That is really weird. You need to answer the questions about if you rely on her financially or for childcare though.

TaggieO · 04/07/2025 06:43

This depends on a lot of factors - who raised/funded the first one, where do you live, how stable is your relationship….? If your parents provided the majority of the money and childcare for your first child and you live with them then she may have a point.

Mrsttcno1 · 04/07/2025 06:43

Honestly there’s not enough context to give an opinion here. If you rely on them a lot with the child you have, aren’t in a long term stable relationship with the father, not financially stable etc then I can understand why she might react like this. My own mum was over the moon when I told her about my daughter and then this pregnancy but that’s because we don’t rely on or ask anything of her, my children are not her responsibility nor do I put any of the responsibility of them on her in terms of childcare etc, they know we are married & financially stable, there is no worry for them. I can see where she would have reacted differently if they were already providing me with a lot of physical, practical or financial support though as then your announcement is more of a “here’s more work for you coming”.

Dozer · 04/07/2025 06:45

For example: short relationship, not married (or with personal assets), earning enough to pay for two DC and childcare, having had a lot of family help with childcare and/or housing or financial help.

AlertCat · 04/07/2025 06:46

You’re 27, not 17. How old was she when you were born?

unless there is stuff underlying about your relationship or their supporting you, this is a horrible and inexcusable reaction, what an unpleasant woman. Sounds like she is just like that if she does it to friends as well.

Congratulatios on your pregnancy @Familydrama25 i hope all goes well 🤰

tedibear · 04/07/2025 06:47

You’re 27 not 18 and you’ve already been there and done it. You know what’s coming and she cld be more supportive. I’d be so upset if my mum acted like that too.
I bet she comes around quickly when the baby is born. Well I hope so anyway. Congratulations, I hope it all goes well.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 04/07/2025 06:47

What's the back story?

Sulking · 04/07/2025 06:48

Are you with the same bloke that fathers your first child?

if not; have you been this said bloke very long?

if not; I see her point. She’s wondering if you’re going to end up one of those baby-popping invite all the dads round for a banquet types.

Tiddlywinkly · 04/07/2025 06:51

Dozer · 04/07/2025 06:45

For example: short relationship, not married (or with personal assets), earning enough to pay for two DC and childcare, having had a lot of family help with childcare and/or housing or financial help.

This. More backstory/context info needed for me to have an opinion.

RawBloomers · 04/07/2025 06:51

I see two different ways this could come about that result in different opinions about unreasonableness:

If your first child was a burden on her, if you relied on her for housing, or child care, or financial support, or whatever (especially if you haven't really ever truly appreciated that cost to her and made it up to her), I would see her as still hurting from that. In which case I would say you aren't exactly being unreasonable, but neither is she.

On the other hand, she could just be very negative about children or about you. There may be reasons for that (a hard time as a mother, for instance) but even so, it's unreasonable of her.

Sherararara · 04/07/2025 06:52

Tiddlywinkly · 04/07/2025 06:51

This. More backstory/context info needed for me to have an opinion.

Show quote history

This.

Arcencielle · 04/07/2025 06:52

I will vote once I have more context

Fourteenandahalf · 04/07/2025 06:54

It sounds like you still live at home from the way you talk. If so , your DM was probably hoping you would have moved out and be settled before another baby.

Doggymummar · 04/07/2025 06:54

Not enough to go on here.

SamDeanCas · 04/07/2025 06:57

the first thing out of my mums mouth when I told her was ‘don’t think I’m babysitting it’ I was a 34 year old married woman, so god knows why she said it.

But it sounds like it’s your mums natural response to news, if her friend has also had issues with her.

Id reduce contact with her tbh, if a friend said that you’d not see them much, so why put up with it because she’s your mum.

Hygbridghhh · 04/07/2025 07:02

It's so odd. I strongly suspect there is no good reason for this! But why would she object, that is really not clearly from your post. At 27, you are not that young anymore, so it can't be your age. Sounds like she has a good relationship with your other child. Does she not like your partner?

I can't imagine the reason for her perspective from your post. I suspect if you understand it, it will give you clarity and be less confusing. Likely to be very unreasonable btw but it could help you

Was she like this when you were younger

MargaretThursday · 04/07/2025 07:05

Slightyamusedandsilly · 04/07/2025 06:36

I suspect there is a lot of backstory here.

Pregnant at 21. Unplanned? Were you still living with your parents? Was the father involved? Who had to support you through the birth/new born stage?

This pregnancy sounds like it was also unplanned. How long have you been with the father, because it sounds as if your mum isn't even sure who the dad is? Do you work? Do you have maternity pay? Who do you live with?

Do you rely on your parents for childcare? Are you a burden to them in any other way?

IF all of the questions above have positive answers, maybe your mum is just a cow. But I think there is another side to this story and that maybe your mum is reacting badly because of previous bad planning/irresponsibility.

Edited

This.

I did know someone whose DM reacted like this.
I wouldn't have said it myself and there was really good reason why DM was not happy about it.

Baby was planned and baby was very loved (including by granny) but it was really not a situation that bringing another baby, especially with the particular dad, into was a good idea in any way.

Iceandfire92 · 04/07/2025 07:08

I wouldn't be thrilled if my daughter in her 20's already had two children with two different fathers. She is probably upset that you've missed out on travel and the chance to build a career. Missing out on milestones such as buying property and marrying someone who actually wants to make you their wife before having children and the legal/financial protections that come with marriage.

The fact she doesn't even know the child's father is telling. They're probably despairing of your choices and don't fancy bankrolling them further. They're also probably nearing retirement, perhaps they planned on enjoying this rather than being obligated to bankroll and provide childcare for another new baby.

Faithless12 · 04/07/2025 07:08

uncomfortablydumb60 · 04/07/2025 06:04

I’m really sorry You should be able to shout your lovely news from the roof tops if you want
if it’s any consolation When I told her I was pregnant with DS3 She simply said “ oh dear”I was bloody delighted

I have a friend I’m not telling as that will be her reaction or worse, friends for a similar amount of time.

@Familydrama25 its a shame your mum reacted like this but I agree with pp is there a backstory?

SENNeeds2 · 04/07/2025 07:09

Congrats on your baby.
I think the key here is do you live with them? Do they support you financially or with help?
how long have you been with your partner?

I know my parents were very supportive of my sister when she fell pregnant at 19. Childcare constantly, lent money to her then ex to pay his debts on her credit card to ensure her rating stayed ok money which they never got back, deposit for a house etc.

So when at 28 my sister started trying to get pregnant again with a man she had only known for 3 months they were devastated. They’d raised 5 kids and then put their efforts into helping her raise their grandchild - my mum wanted my sister to not risk being a single mum again. My sister did fall pregnant but unfortunately miscarriaged - but then found out this man had done similar to his ex who he left holding the baby at 6 months. Within a year he had left my sister.

you mum might be worried for you

Heronwatcher · 04/07/2025 07:10

Where do you live?
Are you working?
Was this pregnancy or your first pregnancy planned?
Have you been relying on your parents for help, either financially or with childcare etc
What is the dad like and is he working and living with you?
How are things with the dad of your first child?

I think we need the backstory here. If you’re a happy, financially solvent couple who have a planned pregnancy then I think her reaction is odd/ rude. But if you’re living with them, no job, no money, boyfriend who is on drugs and not supporting you and you were already struggling and relying on them I can see why your mum might not think this is good news.

Plenty of times I’ve read posts on here which sound like an absolute shit show (abusive druggy boyfriend, no money, no independence, kids already having issues) and the woman ends with “and I am 20 weeks pregnant.” I know accidents happen but I can’t help but think what a completely f-ing stupid thing to do.

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