Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

[Familydrama25]

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

Did OP ever come back and and actually answer any of these questions?

If my nearly 30 year old had achieved absolutely fuck all in life other than get knocked up twice by two different blokes - yeah, I would feel bitterly disappointed.

How old is your mum? Could it be the menopause?

I really don't think menopause accounts for her feelings about this.

To be honest id think she's concerned that you are having a baby whilst not in a secure relationship with your boyfriend. You've said you don't currently live with the father. I suspect she thinks you'll not cope with a second child and will end up with her helping you out again as she did with your first child. Having two children while not in settled relationships is a worry as the father doesn't have to step up and you could end up a single parent again. Perhaps she's worried about the impact on your career and finances etc.

Have you been around someone going through it, I have! My own mother, she used to react to the smallest of things, was irrational and would have crazy outbursts over the smallest things. I wouldn’t say it’s only the menopause but I would say the reaction could be something to do with it.

Menopause or not, would you honestly be happy if your daughter kept having children with different men who she wasn't in a proper settled relationship with? And if you'd of previously ended up picking up all the slack with the previous child and didn't really want to do it again?

In my opinion when people are not happy for you especially their own daughter is because they are portraying their own issues.
congratulations and good luck x

Of course I have, and myself and my friends are going through it right now. We're in our 50s. It doesn't turn you into an idiot or horrible person. While it can make you more emotional, it's not an excuse to not have self control and thoughtfulness. It also doesn't change that it's reasonable to not be happy your unmarried child is having another child for you to have substantial responsibility for.

You’re right no I wouldn’t be happy, but I guess not much she can do about it other than cause a rift between her and her daughter and no grandchildren. Life’s to short, tell her your disappointment but move on and support.

Your mother will be happier if you set up home together. She'll come round when you have the baby but I do understand her misgivings.

I wish you success with the relationship and congratulations on your pregnancy, hope all goes well.

Excellent points. The first son isn't being considered much.just a mention that he will enjoy having a half sibling.

Nothing about being made to live with a man he doesn't know.

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy and I'm sorry that your mother has marred things for you.
Your mother sounds to be riding roughshod over you and your ability to be independent. Right from you growing up and not teaching you life skills, to now excluding you from parenting your child, and telling you off as though you are still a child who can't run their life. What she said about 'you'd better not be etc etc' is way out of line, especially when you're closer to 30 than 20!!!
It all smacks of her needing to be in charge, and I wonder how much of her 'helping' is so she gets bragging rights about how much you rely on her etc etc
Start to explore the idea of her being less involved with you and your family, especially if you are going to be living with your new baby's father. You might find it helpful to read the Stately Homes thread too, as much of what you write sounds like a narcissistic person.

That's just a really long way of saying OP needn't take any responsibility for her irresponsible choices. She's a full grown adult, absolutely nothing is stopping her from planning her family properly or paying for childcare. "Oh woe is me, my mum wont stop saving me thousands of pounds a year, I am such a victim now that she's not thrilled about doing it all over again"

There’s no context that makes this response ok. She is allowed to have concerns or reservations depending on your situation but that doesn’t make her reaction normal. The fact you knew and predicted this reaction is the most telling. She clearly has issues and sounds like a narcissistic mother.

That's an interesting perspective @Digdongdoo and could well be the case but it's also possible that we've got an overbearing controlling mother situation. Things like applying for school places isn't the mother's job!
Either way, the response isn't great for the OP to hear. I wonder if it is actually the mother thinking 'oh no, here we go again, she's going to assume I'll drop everything or she's going to move back in again.'
Maybe it's the catalyst to become more independent and reduce the amount that the OPs mother does.

My mother is just like this,whatever is happening she has it worse. However ill someone is,she is worse. Scoffs at you when you pass exams,tests etc., I believe its called narcisism,but in OPs case we def need more info to decide as there are two sides to most things

My God. What a beatch of a midwife!
Im gobsmacked
Unbelievable, and frankly if you hadn't been so blown away youd likely have torn a strip thru her bossss