Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

[Familydrama25]

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

Yes ideally.

OP people want a good life for their kids. I don’t have big unrealistic dreams for my kids. I don’t want them to change the world. But if they have kids I would like to see them settled, in stable solid relationships living as a family unit.

With respect people here are drawing some irrelevant comparisons to their own lives.

You will be living on your own with two children with two different partners. That is not a parent’s dream for their child.

My mum has a friend with 4 adult kids and all 4 of them have had serious relationship dramas. There are a ton of kids involved with different partners. The poor women is worn down. She says her house feels like a hotel with various children and grandchildren who need to stay with her because of relationship break-ups She’s received abusive messages from her son’s ex partner. I could go on.

I want my kids to have kids with one person in a stable relationship.

Sweetheart with kindness none of what you describe there is healthy at all. In fact much of it is quite disturbing. Your mum has serious issues and i would be getting much firmer boundaries in place not just for the new child either.

OP as another poster said and with respect to you, I think the word “spin” is what springs to mind.

Your mum helped you with childcare as a result of which you increased your wages. Presumably as a single parent you needed those wages?

Why did you not put DC in nursery?

I don’t doubt you love your mum. Be true to her and own how much she has given instead of spinning it as her having boundary issues.

We live close by and it's casual whether she pops up, I pop down

And yet, 18 weeks into this pregnancy she doesn't even know the father of your baby and has questioned whether you even know.

Be honest, this is not the stable and committed relationship you are trying to present to us, is it? He may well have a good job but that's a fat lot of use if he's nowhere to be seen by the time the baby comes.

You need to put some more boundaries in place! It's clear, especially from her applying for your eldest's school place, that she's viewing herself in a parenting role to your kids, and doesn't think you're responsible for them.

Totally fine to rely on her for arranged stuff, or genuine emergencies, but stop the weird pandering to her desire to act like his mum, rather than Grandma.

She shouldn't be having him overnight because she wants him and doesn't trust you to get him to school. Arrange a sleepover night per week when she has him, and he's home with you the rest of the time - (except for emergencies). If she says in front of him about staying over, you say "Silly Grandma, Thursdays are your night to sleepover at hers, she must have forgotten. You're staying at home tonight because it's not Thursday" and repeat to infinity, then say to her separately "Stop inviting him when it's not Thursday. I will keep saying no."
Invite her (and your dad), over to yours for a meal one day a week, and start to prove to them that you can cope on your own. Stop letting her walk all over you and negate your parenting decisions. The stuff that you're currently relying on her for, because it's easier, stop doing and start doing yourself. No big drama, just 'I've got it mum, I've already (done the ironing, made his packed lunch, booked afterschool care). I appreciate your help, but I can handle this'.

Also, prioritise teaching your children the things you feel you missed out on - cooking and cleaning are lovely things for kids to do to genuinely contribute to a household whilst learning life skills, and they can be special quality time. It doesn't have to be all at once but letting your 5 year old dust the coffee table while you hoover, or help to measure and stir whilst you're making a cake will set him up well for a life where you don't feel the need to hover like your mum does.

Jesus , you live close to your mum, you pop in and out all the time, yet she hasn’t even met or even heard of the new boyfriend who you are having this baby with ? I get the feeling that your mum does a lot for you, because she has to ,and now you are having another baby with no real stability. I can see why she feels that way.

I doubt she's over 70 when the OP is only 27. You don't need to be over 70 to be tired. I'm not 60 yet and I'm tired.

She sounds bitter, mean and controlling.

i hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy, and i bet big brother to be will be very excited.

There’s a real hand that rocks the cradle tone to some of these messages.

The OP has said that her DM still
views her as a layabout teenager. What has done OP to show her that isn’t the case? Did you act like a teenager after you had DC? Were you happy enough for your mum to get heavily involved?

At any point you could have put your son into professional childcare. You portray your mum as overstepping but what do you think her view is about the significant help she has provided you?

Now you are having a baby with someone else whom you are not in a committed relationship with but you speak of it as if it’s a great arrangement - you live independently, he has a good job.

It feels as if a spin is being on things.

Id encourage you to write your posts out from your mother’s POV and see if it helps you.

No, you're right. I didn't do my maths very well!

Well , she could have had her at 44 which isn’t that uncommon, so your maths could have added up.

I'm so sorry. That's a shit reaction. Congratulations on your pregnancy - I hope all is going well 🥰
I had my youngest last year when my DS was five and it was magical for him, he absolutely dotes on his sibling. Just wait, you have no idea just how much your heart will burst with love and pride just seeing them together. You have so much to look forward to - don't let your mums reaction dampen your new little arrival!

It’s not uncommon for girls who have kids young to get significant help from their mum, including to the extent that grandmother becomes more akin to a parent.

Did grandma step up because she had to? 21 is young to have a baby these days, an average 21 year is not anywhere near settled in terms of their life.

It’s ok to want to take a step back from it at 27 OP, but what upsets me as the portrayal of your mum by some as some kind of bitter old woman who wants your baby. If that was true she’d want this one!

Sounds sensible.

I think it can easily happen boundaries get blured.

I know DMum acted upset at times as in her mind she was a co-parent to DN as Dsis was single parent not how DSis saw it - she lived seperatly and workd f/t and paid for some childcare. My MIL acted like we were utterly irresponsible - DH being 31 me few years younger - to then think she got a say in how our baby was fed/weaned what school they'd go to and we'd get no say in when she had pfb.

It was much easier for us to push back as we got nor wanted an help - it's harder if you do need some childcare. I think it came down to not seeing us as proper adults - no idea why that happened but it did persists for a long time.

Hard to say without knowing more about your relationship with your mum and her background. Is there a reason she is so hostile? Is she like this about everything you do? Do you have siblings and does she treat them like this? When you had a baby at 21, you were young, but actually its not that young! my gran had all 3 of her children by age 23 and that was normal in those days, its going the opposite direction nowadays but that doesn't mean that having a child at 2 or a second child at 27 is in some way strange. I think your dad was embarrassed by your mum's behaviour. You are an adult and she can either be happy for you or not, but she sounds like she likes things her own way.

Have your parents met the babies father?

So OP can't have another child ever because she's no longer with the dad of her first child? Have we time travelled? This is no longer an issue. OP's partner has a good job and OP has her own job so they can afford their child's upbringing. Buying property is not the be all and end all either, neither is marriage. I know married couples who have provided a terrible upbringing for their children, whereas my parents have been together 40 years and were brilliant parents, without a marriage certificate.

She may not know the father, because her mother is hostile and she doesn't want to introduce him. Are you the mother? Just you seem a bit defensive...

You sound horribly enmeshed with your parents.
I would start distancing yourself and setting boundaries.

I can relate in some ways- we were a similar age when we had our first baby and my in-laws just thought we were far too young to be responsible parents and everything/anything we did was questioned, unwanted ‘advice’ constantly given and lots of incorrect assumptions about what we were/weren’t doing. I remember MIL being aghast and making a big deal that I wasn’t weaning until 6 months. It didn’t matter how many times I explained why it went in one ear and out the other. In her mind I was being silly and immature and making an uneducated choice to the detriment of my baby. This is just one example but it was stuff like that all the bloody time. She had zero faith or trust in anything we were doing.

Reading your initial posts I assumed you must be living with your parents for that sort of reaction. I think your mum is being out of order. Yes we would all like our children to be in the perfect set-up of married, career etc when they have children but it doesn’t give you any right to kick off and be rude when this doesn’t happen.

This and also why does this PP keep referring to the parents as ‘bankrolling’ op and her kids? Nowhere has this been mentioned? 😵‍💫

I know of plenty of parents in their 30s/40s who are married/good careers, have a baby and enlist both sets of grandparents to do weekly childcare when they return to their jobs, what is the problem with that? They can say no.

It was a big message your bf not being there for the announcement and shows that you are not doing this together as a solid couple.

If you have one child already, are not living together, he hasn't had time to adjust/prove himself in the step-dad role before committing to him with another child, or you haven't been together for long enough for that, I can see why she is worried for you and her existing dgc.

But it also sounds like you do not have clear boundaries for when she is overstepping with your current child and there isn't a clear understanding that she is does not need to do everything she does for you if she doesn't want too as you have got it covered.

I suspect she doesn't have confidence (whether that is fair or not only you know) in your capability to independently support and make the best decisions for your existing child and a pg in these circumstances is only going to confirm that again for her.

DC was born during covid, 6 years ago so will be at school?

So what if the OP’s partner has good job. He lives independently from her.

Would I expect my daughter to never have another baby, no. But I would expect her to proceed with caution given she is already responsible for one child who I help care for. So, at an absolute minimum I’d expect a sign of serious commitment from DP. And preferably a marriage and stable accommodation.

To coin a phrase I learnt on Mumsnet: "Who pissed on her chips??"

She sounds horrible!!!

Congratulations OP xx