Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

[Familydrama25]

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

This is really shit. I'm so sorry. I went through something similar when my ex wife was pregnant with our first. At my mum's on Boxing day handing out presents and as a surprise I gave my fiance (at the time) a baby-gro present as a way of announcing it to the family. My mum's response was "oh she's expecting. It's bad luck to give baby clothes before x amount of months." Fiance was 2 almost 3 months pregnant.
Fiance walked out living room upset and I confronted mum, "why would you say something like that?" and then to see my gf. When I'd calmed her down her down, we came downstairs and mum kicked us out. As we lived in a different town, we had nowhere to go. Didn't speak to mum for another 2 and a half years. Refused to visit after birth, refused to come to christening, and initially refused to come wedding until I told her that this will be the last chance to meet her grandson (he was 2yr old) before we move to Asia for work.
Now she sees her grandkids once a year for 1 maybe 2 weeks and regrets missing out on so much time with them. Especially our 1st born.
Stand up and don't allow her to treat you like this. It's nice to have her accept this, but you don't need her to accept this. You don't need her.

Congratulations on your happy news 💛 it's good you have a dad who is loving and supportive of you.
Live your life and be the mum with your children that you would of wanted from your own.
I'm not close to my mum it does leave a gap but honestly you can and will be happy even if she idnt .
Good luck with your exciting news xx

Congratulations 💕 I just wanted to say that you’re absolutely not being unreasonable.
Your mum sounds pretty awful imo.
I also had my first child when I was in my teens, and remember the “you better not be pregnant” chant well 🙈

Congratulations and just don't do anything except look after yourself and yours. Wat she said/says is actually saying a lot about her but little about you but I do understand it' still hurts. Try not to give her furthur opportunities to come back at you and enjoy your pregnancy and new born.

'See' his child? I'd be wondering more about whether he is willing/ able to PARENT his child tbh and having 'a good job' and able to afford his own place is no indication of this whatsoever

Also perturbed by the idea that DM was unaware there even WAS a new bf before the announcement that was so badly received/ whose is it etc

As others have said this all sounds very enmeshed to me and neither OP nor DM should expect to be having things both ways

Message deleted..op has answered question

This.
100pc
It seems that you have had one child resulting in single parenthood.
Are you now in a long term stable relationship with financial aid emotional security?
Your mum is likely to be wanting that in the best interest of all

Yes agree with all that

With respect, completely different scenario

I'd establish some space and boundaries (not the same thing) immediately. Continue to build up your independence and prioritize your children. You are now a mother of two, whether your mother likes it or not. She got to grow up and choose how many kids she wanted, and you get to do the same. She doesn't get to have an opinion on this, at least not one she should share, and if she can't be happy for you that is her problem, sadly.

I found her response to say a lot about here a person, especially the comments about Disney. It seems that she is implying your life plan doesn't align with her needs or wishes. Again, you are an adult and you get to your life and it should have little bearing on hers.

She clearly still views you as a child and she may always do so, as some personality types can never accept their adult children as adults with lives as their own. Either way, try your best to remind yourself that her reaction to your joyful news is about her, not you, or your baby. It's sad and it's her loss if she chooses to live life through a negative lens.

Take some space and enjoy this new phase of life with your new family. Your childhood family, especially given your mother's behavior, can take a backseat now.

OP, your most recent post where you end with saying you have savings would concern me if I were your mother. That isn't a long term plan and savings are important. If you're not going to be earning as much, you need to think of another plan to cover that gap than savings. Can the baby's father step up and offer some care? Will you need to use childcare and after school care for the children so you can work?

Otherwise, what happens when the savings are gone? If you don't have a plan, you have no savings - it comes back to your mother having to step in again so you can work enough to have enough money to survive.

Are you planning to work whilst DC are at home? How do you cover school holidays?

My mum reacted weirdly on the announcement of my first baby, she basically was in a denial, brushed it off and she immediately changed a topic of conversation until my sister said - mum, she is pregnant, congratulations, I am so happy for her etc
I lost this baby in a miscarriage and my mum was very supportive and happily I got pregnant quickly again and have a rainbow baby, but I can't forget or forgive her this weird initial reaction. I understand it was her defense reaction and she didn't know what to do but as you said - you will remember these moments and the fact your mother spoilt it for you, it was an ugly and selfish behavior. Congratulations on your little one, you will do amazing 😍

Unfair

You sound great OP. You're living life your way and that's absolutely fine.

Please ignore the judgemental comments on this thread. Life unfolds in all sorts of ways and I'm sure you'll be a fabulous mother to your two children and it will be lovely for them to have each other as siblings. You're working hard, you have a supportive partner, you have your own place and you will be fine.

As for your mum, she sounds jealous, bitter and immature. Look up boundaries, enmeshment and narcissism - it will open your eyes. She cannot cope with the attention being on you and wants to make your children all about her.

You are a responsible adult now and it's time to establish adult boundaries with your mother. That means making it very clear that you are your children's mother and you make all decisions relating to them, including school pickups, when they have dinner at hers etc etc.

You no longer have to agree to things she says, or tread on eggshells around her to avoid upsetting her. You cannot control what she says or does, but you can control your own response to her. Call her out every single time when she says or does something unreasonable.

If you find that the relationship becomes intolerable when you start asserting reasonable adult boundaries, you may need to go low or no contact with her. That is your prerogative. You and your children do not need her controlling and manipulative tactics in your lives.

If, once you put boundaries in place, she accepts that you are now in charge of your own life (including your children) and decides to be a part of her grandchildren's lives on that basis, respecting you at all times, that's great. You will need to keep reasserting your boundaries though and she will need to respect those boundaries if she wishes to be a part of your life.

Wishing you all the best, and enjoy your pregnancy!

I’m so sorry for you, OP - this wasn’t a nice reaction. I hope I can help though. I don’t think your mum sounds toxic, or mean even - I think she sounds emotionally immature. It’s very hard dealing with a parent like this, sometimes meaning you don’t get the support you need at the hardest times. Your dad sounds great and like he knows what she’s like? It probably isn’t a simple fix, but it might help to think of her as emotionally much younger than you - say 12-14 - and to set boundaries like you would with a much younger person, including what you expect from them on an emotional level. Obviously on a practical level you can expect more and I imagine when she’s adjusted to the new information she’ll be nice to the baby and hopefully love it like she does your son. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope you’re feeling well with it. :)

My mother was similar. She told me there was nothing to bring children into this world for. Nice reaction to a pregnant daughter who is over the moon.
My mum made such a fuss of mh brothers 3 kids. Always banging on about how amazing they were. When I objected she said you can't help loving the ones that love you most. Bullpoo, and ivtold her so. My kids hated going to see her as they got old enough to see what she was... but when she was in a care home, the beloved grandsons never came near her. My children visited her, but still she harped on about my brother.
I suffered this rubbish for 36 years and id walk away, then ho back, I couldn't break the tie completely, and when she passed away it took a year for me to get over, what was basically ptsd... my daughter suffered my bouts of neediness, the feeling that everythjng was going wrong and no loved me.
It was the result of 39 years of Rejection.
We had a very loving relationship till I got married, and then she turned into the mother in law from Hell... to me, her daughter. Favoured her daughter in law, anyone at all so long as she could see me hurt.... that's the downside of a narcissistic parent, and a loving daughter.

If I had my time again, I would move as far away as possible once id married. The moon would be about far enough.

I came back from living in Luxembourg when I was 20. I already hsd a daughter who was only a few months old.
I went to live with my mum until I could be housed.
My sister asked me to go out with her one evening, so I asked my mum to have my daughter. The venom in her voice was cutting when she said you better not come home pregnant. If you do, you better get rid of it.
Unbeknown to me at the time, I was already pregnant and a few months down the line found out that in fact I was pregnant ( by the same dad). Unfortunately, the baby suffered diaphragmatic hernia.
I had to go to hospital for tests and I lost her at 29 weeks. I didn't dare tell my parents, so kept it to myself for years unti I had a total mental breakdown.
When i finally told my parents, my dad asked why I didn't say anything. My response was what my mother had said all those years before.
That is the first and only time I have seen my dad cry... no emotion from my mother.
I totally understand why you are upset. To this day, it upsets me and it is 33 years this year

I'd just straight up ask her what her problem is as it should be one of the happiest times of your life, it's not like you're 16.

Have your parents even met the babies father? Does he have a good relationship with your son?

This. The OP has vague plans involving the new partner. I wonder if they will come to fruition?

The "ooh a baby, congratulations" crowd are out in full force with the usual lack of thought about the likely harsh realities.

No her parents have not met him . They didn’t even know he existed yet op sees her mum regularly. As for her son , the usual consensus on here is to put the child first and not even introduce him to her boyfriend for at least a year or so . But then surely her mum would know about him . So it seems she’s now house hunting together with the boyfriend and will live with him and her son when her son possible hasn’t even met him . Op isn’t answering these questions.

I am a ‘boomer’ thanks and very upbeat and happy when I hear good news. I think that unfortunately across all generations you get either radiators or drains in life and we all try desperately to avoid the drains or mood hoovers. It’s just not so easy when you are related to one! OP needs to create more boundaries- easier said than done I know.

It’s not a ‘congratulations’ situation in the context of OP’s personal finances, earning ability and relationship duration and status.

I think it could be from an older generation tbh - I could imagine my mother saying something similar if we hadn't been in a strong place when DS1 proved he was on his way.

Even our Doctor - 65+yo when we went to see her and told her that DP was pregnant her first question was 'Is this good news?' before she went any further and our midwife - who was an absolute cow - was asking about family history etc for DW and I asked as the father are you interested in my family medical history 'Not really, we can't really be sure you are father so we don't bother', which seemed a bit harsh and that was only 20years ago.