Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

[Familydrama25]

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

Congratulations, but unless your DM is a very strange, cold person I feel there must be more to this than you've told us. Why would she feel like this? Why did you consider terminating the pregnancy? Is your relationship with your partner long-term and stable? Do your parents know him? Will he be a supportive father, financially and practically? Are you dependent on your parents for financial or childcare support? Will the new baby make life more difficult for her in any way? It’s difficult to believe that her reaction comes from nowhere.

I think until we have more context it's impossible to make that assertion.
I agree it was not a great reaction from the mother but there could be a lot of reasons for it.
She could be very worried about her daughter
The daughter may live with her parents
The parent's may have supported her a lot with the 5 year old and will be expected to decide the same level of financial and emotional support for baby number 2
The daughter may not be in a stable relationship, the boyfriend might not be reliable.
It's a very sad situation but I don't think anyone can judge or say the mother is making it all about her until we know more about the full situation.

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

You don't do anything. You give her time to process it. Without having read anything but your OP, I am going to guess that there might be (and let's face it, there probably are ) dozens of reasons she's worried, annoyed and sceptical about this pregnancy. You say she knows you've 'been with someone' but for how long? Not long I'm guessing, if she wonders whether you even know who the father is.

Maybe there are huge concerns over your finances, your MH, your ability to cope adequately with the child you already have, without having to lean very heavily on your parents. Maybe a precarious housing situation, maybe loads of debt that you can't get on top of, maybe the timing is a deliberate/cynical way of not being forced to look for work now your five year old is in school? Maybe your new relationship is rocky or abusive, or you have a history of choosing abusive men. Perhaps your 5 year old has zero support or relationship with its dad and she doesn't want to watch a repeat of that for the next child. There are loads of reasons why her reaction might be appropriate and completely understandable.

That said, you've done it now and she'll continue to love you and this second child as much as she loves and supports the first, because that's what most mums do. She doesn't have to be happy about your choices though. Especially if she has plenty of reasons to be worried.

She quite possibly knows from experience this is probably going to mean expense, hassle and a huge amount of practical support from her and your dad and she'll be made to feel guilty for not providing it, even though you swear blind you'll cope just fine if you end up on your own again.

Or none of that might be true. I don't know you. But I'd put money on it that at least some of those things do very much apply. If they do, and you were my daughter, I'd feel the same.

I have reread the @Familydrama25's first post. A KEY quote reads,

'I decided I will come down with some scan photos'.

She still lives with her parents!!!!! No wonder her poor mother isn't on board with this. She's had one child forced upon her in her older years, in HER OWN HOME, and now FD is doing it again. With a relationship that is so new, the mother doesn't even know if they're still together.

@Familydrama25
1 You need to move out.
2 Get a place with your partner. If it isn't that sort of relationship, get a place of your own.
3 STOP making unplanned babies. You're too old to keep repeating the same error.
4 Stop using your parents. No wonder your mum is angry.

There’s really little point in speculating. The OP presented a scenario, but without context and hasn’t returned to answer any of the reasonable questions posed that would enable others to make suggestions or offer advice.

And Dad is the more reasonable one because I bet most of the work doesn't fall on him.

There was a recent thread about someone dreading telling her parents she was pregnant. I assume it’s the same poster. I can’t remember any details, but my vague memory is that it was a second accidental pregnancy in an unideal situation, and most responses thought that the potentially unimpressed parents might have a point.

Congratulations on the forthcoming new baby! From what you've not said, I guess it's not a straight road, but that doesn't mean you are deserving of your mum's attitude and words.

I've got a strikingly unsupportive family and it is a lifetime's work to remind myself that they cannot care about me. I keep my distance - not sure what your options are but I find it easier overall.

You need to tell us more about your circumstances and the father (s) of your children. You're trying to paint your mum as some sort of childish narcissist, but it sounds more like she's frustrated by your choices.

Especially as she keeps bringing all this back to DS5. If you're using your parents as financial support then she may not be "excluding the unborn" when she implies the Disney trip won't go ahead. She might just have a more realistic grasp of how a second DC will impact finances.

We can't tell you if she's BU without more context.

Print this out and carry it round with you:

"My mother is an absolute cow.
Unfeeling, jealous, spiteful, unkind.
It doesn't matter what she thinks.
All that matters is there'll be a new baby to love."

You are the adult here, she's like a jealous older child acting up.

But you're still thinking of yourself as the child.

Change how you approach this and think of and speak to her as you would as an adult to a child throwing a tantrum, being rude, being stroppy and mean. Pull her up each time, controlling your words, voice, body language.

Practice adult/child phrases to trot out on repeat and don't get dragged into a row.

'Now we don't say mean, unkind things, do we.'

'Practice saying kind, supportive things - people will like you so much better.'

'Renember, every time you say a mean thing, your face screws up, and it doesn't look very nice.'

"People who say nasty things don't make friends'.

'Saying nicer things makes you a nicer person.'

Repeat, repeat repeat.

You shouldn't have to be parenting your own mother and sadly your dad seems to be a wet lettuce, but here we are. Does your partner not back you up either?

Next in your adulting journey: work on getting your own place - and sort out your contraception.

The bit you’ve missed out is your relationship status and work/living.

if my 27 yo was married or been with someone years and it was second child with sane man and I had stable job and house etc I’d be over joyed.

if they had one night stand/v short relationship, different dad etc and not working with a child steady here etc I would not be happy about the situation.

I mean I wouldn’t be nasty but I’d be disappointed tbh and not over the moon about your life choices even though I couldn’t do anything about it . I would of course love the baby

She sounds like an emotionally immature parent. As a fellow victim I'd highly recommend the book "adult children of emotionally immature parents" which gives amazing advice about putting boundaries in place. It has really improved my relationship with and feeling around my own mum.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

There must be more of a back story here. It's very odd for her to react like that. The fact that she asked about the dad for example. Why would she say that?

Sounds like my mum.
Ok I have been through this 6 times ok I was only 17 the first time then I got married to him and got pregnant again we then divorced.
I them met my husband now and we dated he met my 2 children and took them on a his own we got engaged then married I then found out I was pregnant again and I though well this time I'm older she will be happy for us, boy was I wrong she was bloody furious, then we had 3 more and she was just never happy even though the last 2 were miracle babies, I really do not see what her problem was as all our children have been loved cared for and been given good morals, we have always worked I have only ever taken 1 month maternity since being with my second husband as we had own own business's.
She now denies that she offered to pay for an abortion for my eldest, and she says she loves them all and wouldn't be without them, 1 son has 4 children another has 3 and my mum goes on at them all the time about not having any more, I tell her it's none of her business or mine as they are adults and is their lives, she says she can't afford any more so I offered to put the £5 she puts in the cards for birthdays and Christmas for her but she says that's not the point, I do not understand her.

You cannot POSSIBLY know that based on the deliberately very limited information the OP has given, and crucially, the fact she's chosen to name chance for this. My guess is that if we could search her usual user name we'd have some insight into why her mum might be less than cock-a-hoop about this.

Absolutely. Not a mention of a Dad or a stable relationship. No wonder people disapprove.

Congratualtions @Familydrama25 Babies are lovely news 💕

Your mum sounds very odd, glad your dad reacted appropriately. To be honest, I would distance myself. Not completely, but enough to make the point.

Unless you having another baby means another child for her to raise, she has no business having an opinion.

Unless your financially dependant on her, rely on her for childcare, dad is a bum, neither of you work or can afford another child etc I can’t see why she’s so angry about it all.

Or a job.

If this is the situation, I can imagine OP's mum was annoyed by the wording too. Declaring "there's going to be a new member of the family" essentially dumps the news in their lap as something they've got a shared responsibility for. DM's comments about not using protection would be understandable frustration in this case. Doubly so if she does more of the actual work taking care of DS than DF does. He can afford to be the good guy and look on the bright side, if the extra work is not going to fall on him.

If all that is the case, I'm not surprised DM didn't want to look at the pictures right that second either. It would feel like emotional manipulation, being expected to coo over scan photos immediately. I'm sure she'll love DC when they're here, but if you're exploiting that love to get her 'on board', well, I'd resent that and walk away too. No-one likes to be played.

Tumbleweed from the OP…..

OP, anything? @Familydrama25

Bit hard for the OP to keep her distance when she's still sponging / using living with her parents.

Nah. She isn't coming back because she knows she's a user and just wanted validation that she was right despite having her parents lives.

If she really still lives with them, and came downstairs to announce ‘there’s going to be another member of the family’ then no wonder her mum was mad.