Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

[Familydrama25]

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

It's difficult to know how to respond to your choice in the votes without more background. What "reasons" might she have to "lash out"? What "concerns" does she have? Why was it so hard to decide whether you would keep the pregnancy?

Just ‘helping with childcare’ alone doesn't really justify that reaction?

I know some couples who are married, well into their 30s, very stable etc who have ongoing grandparent help with childcare every week in order to work. They have all gone on to have a second and as far as I know none of their families reacted like this.

im guessing there’s more to the story. Do you live with your parents OP?

My dd is 27. She lives half at home and half with her boyfriend - a lovely young man of 29, and fully qualified in one of the professions.

DD starts a new job in September. She's a secondary school teacher. She's wondering whether she's ready to settle down.

If she told me tonight she was 18 weeks pregnant, I'd be sad for her and I'd struggle not to show it. It would mean single parenthood or potentially "settling" with someone she's not convinced is "the one".

I imagine the op's circumstances are not comparable. I can understand her mother's perspective and I also imagine her mother has done far more for her already than I would ever want to do.

Hopefully the op will be back to tell us her partner is a stable chap with a good job, savings and they are buying a house together. Also a bit about her own career where she had enhanced maternity pay and can take the whole year off and their little family unit is entirely independent.

Waiting for the actual context of the mother's unhappiness with the news, and the massive drip feed.

Will never come

but I’d hedge a bet, our stingiest should very very much lie with the mother (and the u born child)

Well it’s hard to make a decision on whether she’s being unreasonable or not when the info is limited from you, OP. If you were in long term stable relationships both times you got pregnant, and you have the means to support yourself, your own home and not expecting childcare favours from your parents, then your mum is being awful.

However, if both relationships were very short/fwb/one night stands etc, you rely on financial support from your parents, live in their home, expect them to look after your children all day etc then I can understand her reaction.

Your mum (unless helping out with your 5 year old and thinks she will have an extra child to look after) has to piss on everyone else’s parade. She made up that she wanted to book Disney trip, to make you feel guilty that your 5 year old would miss out. She hates to see anyone happy and always tries to make the whole situation about her.

Yes it's more about context OP. If my daughter was pregnant with a lovely husband, house and career, then I'd be happy for her.

If she was living on benefits with no job, financial or relationship security, and especially if I hadn't met the man, then I'd be pretty gutted for her because I'd feel she was missing out on the good life that I'd want for her.

My reading of this is that OP lives in her parents house. Tbh if she does and she has made the decision to get pregnant again, and I was her mum, I'd probably be furious too

From what you’ve said it sounds as though she wanted you to get married first, have a stable him life and then have children. You’ve obviously not adhered to her idea of the ideal set up and so she’s disappointed.

Have you lent on her for money or childcare? Does she think that you having another child is at the detriment of her own life in some way?

This.

Though we were independent finacially and living in our own place married and not expecting any help with kids and evey pg someone or multiple someone have kicked off.

First one was MIL thinking she was too young to be a GM - DH was 31 - and then other family members had other reasons around pg annoucnmenet then last pg DH was made redundant late pg which apparently we should have forseen global recession and impact on new amercian owners of his company.

They've all been okay once kids were here.

If you need childcare help or live in their house her reactions more understanable because it will impact on her - probably more than your dad given how childcare expecatations often seems to work.

There is virtually no information in the OP and she hasn’t returned so I assume she lives in her parent’s home and her mother is sick of being impacted by her irresponsible and selfish choices and is understandably furious. She appears to care about the existing child and is engaged with his upbringing.

Without context my family's reaction to my sister's second pregnancy would have looked bloody horrible.

Truth is after a few attempts to leave we finally got her out of an abusive relationship where he had begun to be violent towards baby DN. She then got pregnant by a new man just over a month after meeting him and it turns out he is almost as bad as the first man.

If she had to ask you if you know who the father is, I'm guessing your circumstances are less than ideal too.

Agree with this and similar comments. Too many unanswered questions. OP paints a picture of her mother being really nasty, and maybe she is, but we don't know all the circumstances. So can't judge.

Hard to say.

On the one hand, the DM reacting that way to a marriage announcement from a friend suggests she might not do well with other people's good news.

On the other hand, there's a lot OP hasn't said here. And I've seen a lot of posts like this where it eventually transpired that the reason the DM was pissed off was because she knew full well that it was going to be made into her problem.

Could be some of both also.

Extraordinary response from your mum. Is she judging because it's not your ds' father? Or is she just annoyed because she wants to go to Disney? Either way, horrible comments from her. Congratulations on the baby!

I went LC with my narcissistic, bully of a mother at your age and finally NC at 38. I wish I had the courage to go NC back then, just saying!

Well she sounds like a bundle of laughs.

I would take the piss completely and tell her to cheer up, try to be happy for once etc. every time and then just ignore any bite back. It's obviously not personal if she reacts to other people's good news this way. I would tell her that her reactions to good news are not normal.

I wonder if there is something in her past that means she cannot allow herself to get excited about good news?

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP!

There seems to be a big hole here. You haven't said why she isn't happy. Is there a reason you know of?

If you're living under your own roof, paying your own bills and taking care of all your DC's needs it's nothing to do with what your DM thinks.

That’s a big if…..

Congratulations! Don't let it get you down. I hope you've got other to celebrate with!

This really. If it’s a case, as your mum might see it, of two kids while still very young, needing financial support? wanting childcare? etc, then your mum is maybe concerned about these things. Or she’s a bit of a cow, and she is like this generally? At the end of the day, as long as you are living independently, not reliant on them, then it’s not her business.

Congratulations!

However I think that more context is needed for this?
is your relationship stable?
are you employed?
Will the father be contributing financially to the child/
Is she going to be expected to do childcare/does she already?
was she helping raise the first?
how do you plan to support the child?
id it a different father from the first?

There is a gaping hole in your OP and the fact you haven't been back to answer 6 pages of questions is quite telling. I am assuming you live at your mum's house (the fact she asked are you pregnant a lot before you told her is quite telling), and that she had to do a lot of leg work with your DS. You could be living in your own home, with an amazing job and knocking it out the park in which case congratulations and your mum is a bitch but somehow i don't think that is the case.