Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

[Familydrama25]

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

No mention of the father. Where do you live? Do you have a a job they will support you and two children? I think your mum is just sad you haven’t done things in the traditional order - marriage then kids - as it’s a much more stable and supportive environment for children.

I would bet a lot

that the OP’s circumstances are far from ideal for having a baby
her parents are bloody concerned
her parents are very involved currently with childcare
the father is this unborn baby is, well, let’s just say no prince

It does if she's living with the child, doing substantial care for the child, financing the child (again) and generally picking up the pieces. We don't know that she is but, just as the first child has got to school age, she may be having to start again with another baby.

Guaranteed she’ll be doing all this and more

Is there back story?

OP says she found it hard deciding to continue with this pregnancy, she wanted support.

Her mother sounds frustrated with her, we can only guess at why.

I got pregnant at 15 and had a better response than this!

Is there a whole big back story? There must be.

A. She might just be a cunt
B. She might be mentally ill
C. She might have early onset dementia.

Whatever the cause, it's horrible for you and I'm sorry. My own mother was similar. When I said to her during my first pregnancy "I can feel the baby move now, do you want to feel it" She literally spat out "I think its time for you to GROW UP"

I was stunned. Total mental case tho, my mum, so within the realms of her normal behavior.

Good luck. I hope the pregnancy and birth go smoothly. Ignore the rest.

Tbh her reaction depends on who your partner is!
If you guys are secure, he's a nice guy and is good to your DS etc then yes of course her reaction is unreasonable.

If your partner is a lazy f wit who sits about, smokes weed or is violent etc or you have been together about 5 months then I can kind of see her reservations (although she could have explained it better).

Hi @Familydrama25 - congratulations

The problem with the framing of your OP is we don't know if your mum has mental health issues or has valid concerns about your current relationship &/or your health & safety (bringing a baby into it might make your situation worse)

There's probably a huge backstory to this. It's unfair to judge on what you have shared.

I get the impression that you get a lot of help with DC 5 and you're not in a very serious relationship, just seeing someone.
If DM is organising the family holiday too. She must be very involved.

She sounds cross but I think she is worried about you becoming a single mother for the 2nd time, therefore you will need more help, 5 year old will get less attention.

She spoke awkwardly but I see it a lot, where DGP have to do a lot due to the situation.

Bringing a newborn to Disney will definitely impact the 5 y.o holiday.

Or she may just be sick of the op not thinking of their decisions affecting anyone else?

Agree. A lot of context is missing here.

No, no one ever has a say in someone else fertility and your post has disgustingly ablest undertones the way, this is how eugenics happened.

OP mother chose to be a mother, OP chose to be a mother... most decent mothers would help their child (there is no requirement too though) but from the kind of attitude OPs mam is displaying (OPs too scared to even talk to her about her life and she doesn't seemingly know OP has a partner) she hardly seem like a loving mother rushing to help out so lets not pretend she mad because she utterly selfless and raising the OPs kids for her.

We need more context.. how long have you been in relationship with the Dad? Do they get on? What’s your financial and your work situation? You’re obviously not married which is concerning.

I disagree!

No, what OP's mother has is a say in is what happens in her home. If she is paying, caring for the child substantially and having her life significantly imposed on, she's allowed to not be happy about it. She didn't choose this, her daughter chose it for her. (If that is the situation at all).

You're clearly absolutely bonkers to think my post is ablest and I wonder if you even know what that means. I have a disabled DD and if she had a child I'd be supportive and kind. I'd be on the hook to pay for it and do a lot of work for it because she can't. Being supportive and loving the child doesn't mean I have to be happy about the impact on my life when I didn't choose it but had it forced on me. A baby is a wonderful thing but I still hope it doesn't happen.

Me too. You don’t have to be delighted at baby news if the situation is shit; no father, no job, no home, no way of supporting yourself. That isn’t good news for anyone, least of all the baby itself.

Yes, it's very possible to know you love your child and the grandchild but also think, "Oh no, I'm so tired already, I have a full plate already, I'm already financially stretched, I don't want this for my life." I'd think that if I found myself pregnant, all the while knowing I wouldn't be without the baby once it's there.

How is it ablest?!

Are you in a suitable position to support another child? Stable home and relationship, no financial or childcare issues, will you be relying on her heavily for help? That’s the only thing I can think which might explain her response, you said you were 21 when having your first and perhaps she sees your decisions as still being irresponsible? A baby is always a blessing, congratulations!

Not enough info here. Obviously her reaction was unsupportive, but how long have you been with partner, do you live together ? Are you working ? How much do you rely on your parents for childcare and financially ?

This is all very one sided, from what you’ve said she sounds awful. But I’m assuming she has some grounds for her reaction, unless she’s just plain vile.

Have you been with the father long?
Is he a good, solid, man who will be a good Dad?
Is he a different Father to your first child?
Do you support yourself?
Do you rely on her help with childcare?
Do you rely on her help financially?
Will you be living with the new bloke?
If no, is she worried you will be a single mum to two kids at 27?
Did you cope well when you had your first baby?
Did you manage the first pregnancy and birth well?
Was the baby planned?

She obviously has huge reservations about this child, but you haven’t alluded to at all as to what they might be.

There must be more to it?

Is it the same dad as before? Are you able to support another child financially? Is it a committed relationship? Are you living independently?

If it’s a no to any of these, she might be worried about you. A baby is not always a blessing if the circumstances aren’t right.

It's not ablest to not be happy about someone else making decisions for your life.