Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

[Familydrama25]

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

I agree, a lot missing here. Where does OP live, does her mum help with childcare, are the dads on the scene and helping out, does the OP work and have an income to support two children. Can’t judge the reaction without more detail.

She sounds like she really struggles with change. It seems she wasn't happy about your first DC - but she wants to take him on holiday so it looks like she cares about them now.

I have a similar family member and it helps to "softly" break news to them in stages. I.E. Instead of just saying "I'm moving house", you'd say "I think this house is getting too small for us", then a couple of weeks later "Oh I saw this lovely house for sale, I might go visit it", then another couple of weeks later "We visited a few houses in xyz area" before finally saying "we're moving".

It really helps her cope with big changes by slowly getting used to it. She explained it once to me as big news feeling almost like a slap to the face. It just sent her into a panicked angry mode where she would fight to make things stay the same to make the feelings go away despite in the long run not really caring one way or the other what happens.

It might be worth trying this with your mum if any of this rings true.

There’s obviously a back story here.

I agree with this as otherwise her reaction is very odd (& indeed horrible & hurtful).

More information needed. Are you actually in a stable long term relationship OP? Was the pregnancy planned? Are you able to support yourself? If the answer to these questions is no, I don’t see how you can expect your mum to be over the moon.

So you rely on them for anything because I would have let them have it with both barrels. How fucking rude.

Distance yourself from them.

She isn't expressing concerns. She is being horrible.

Oh OP, I'm sorry. How awful.

Firstly, I think it's lovely news that you're having a baby. Early December is a great time for a birthday. It gets the festive season started. What's not to love 😁❤

My parents are exactly the same. My mother is terrible. Bitter and jealous. She spoils everything with this shit.

They take 4/5 holidays a year but she foams at the mouth with jealousy if I go anywhere. We live at opposite sides of the country (wonder why). The weather on Monday where I live was glorious. Hot and sunny. She rang and ranted on about how awful the weather was where she is and how ''it must be nice to get the sun when we've got nothing'' on and on... One frigging sunny day. I can't even have that.

I got engaged many years ago to a man who had two daughters. Her face was like stone when I told her and she spat out ''I don't want to be a Grandmother to them two girls''. She never asked about the wedding even once. You'd think your only child getting married might be something you'd ask about from time to time, but no. Nothing.

I bought a new build apartment. Faces like stone from both of them when I told them. I had some photos and information for them to look at. She said to leave it on the coffee table and she'd look later. It sat there for days untouched. I took it away in the end.

In recent years I've had holidays, relationships, jobs, done two postgrad qualifications, started a business and a blog that they don't know about. It's sad but necessary. I fell sad about hiding my life but I'm tired of everything being shat on and it will never change.

This!
Do you rely on your parents hugely? Do you live with them etc. If so I understand their annoyance tbh.

If not ignore them!

That's a very odd reaction. Your 27! What's it got to do with your mother.

So are you livng with her in their house and or using her for child care? If not then just get on with it really

It seems an odd reaction. However, I can understand it if she's had to bail you out financially, give support financially, take substantial responsibility over and above normal grandparent duties to enable you to work or study. It might be a matter of, "Oh no, here we go again with another baby, more responsibility for me that I didn't ask for." Do you live with them or have your own place? Is the Dad/Dads involved and supporting/helping?

Her reaction is obviously unpleasant, but your post lacks context. As has been asked, who is the father, are you married or in a stable relationship, do you work and will you be able to continue working after the birth, what’s your living/housing situation?

All these are important questions when one considers creating a new life. Maybe your mum’s reaction is rooted in fear for your and your existing child’s future?

I will reserve judgement OP.
I would love to hear your mum's side of the story.
She's probably menopausal, she's stepped up to help out with your first child, (planning Disney!) and now the first ones settling at school, and she is looking forward to a bit of peace, it starts over for her.
You weren't even thrilled about this pregnancy yourself, but you expect her to be.

I'll say congratulations to you, any baby is a blessing and I hope I'm wrong about the above.

I assume you are not living with the dad as you had to clarify who the dad is (otherwise that would be weird question). Is it short term relationship? I assume different dad to first child, was that short term relationship too? What is your financial position?

Your mum doesn’t sound nice but to dread telling your parents you are pregnant usually means it is not an ideal situation

Unless you live with her I don’t see why she has an issue

I assume it’s a diff dad from your first child - does he see his child /get involved ?

current partner and dad to be - do you live with him - I’m guessing not by the way your mum responded saying do you know who the dad is

either way she sounds bitter and why keep her in your life

congrats

People say really stupid things sometimes. When we announced our last DC, my mum went silent for a couple of mins and my MIL just said ‘oh dear’. We have never relied on them for anything, live in a different country, 1,000 miles anway and had been together for 20 years! Yes thé pregnancy was unplanned but that didn’t mean that à) we didn’t give it serious thought b) we were pleased about it!
Our DC were thrilled about it, and DC is now ten, an absolute joy and the best surprise I ever received.

BUT… I never forgot how they responded.

Your daughter getting pregnant at 27 shouldn’t be ‘a lot to take in’. That’s a perfectly normal thing for a 27 year old to do. She sounds very emotionally stunted. Sorry op!

Are you with the baby's dad? As in living together? Is it possible she's thinking it's another casual boyfriend that will leave you a single parent again? Perhaps she does alot of baby sitting already, and is worried she can't cope with 2?

It's a lot to take in if Granny knows she will be expected to help out.

I think it depends on circumstances. If she’s had to support you a lot which your first or she knows you aren’t coping / can’t afford it then I guess that’s why. Otherwise her reaction is not nice

i might be wrong but this reads as if it’s your first child and second child will have different fathers and you aren’t living or in a particularly long term relationship with current father? If that’s the case, as your mother I wouldn’t be thrilled either. I like to think I’d be a bit nicer about it though

I am guessing you haven't been with your partner that long and don't even live with them for mum to be questioning who the dad is (even though she knows your 'seeing someone' - this sounds like casual dating rather than a serious relationship).
It is also unclear whether you live alone with your 5 year old or still with mum and dad. If mum and dad then a negative reaction is justified as a newborn will impact everyone in the household.

Also do you work? What hours? If they already look after the 5 year old after school then they might be worried they will be looking after the baby full time as nursery is expensive. Or else they might be concerned how you are funding this baby if you don't work and you are only 'seeing someone'.

How much does the 5 year olds dad contribute, financially and in time?

I think your mum's response could be fairly sensible if you do not have your own place or finances to support a baby.

I had my ds very young, stayed with my parents, i am very gratefulfor their support but my DM would make comments like this about loads of things, thankfully not just to me, so I knew it wasn't 'about me'.
Comments like the holiday would be said to hurt, especially as the 'event' had never been mentioned before, purely said to make you feel crap/unreasonable.
Now I'm around the age she was at the time, I do put a lot down to menopause and I can see that she really struggled, NEVER discussed. Her 'way' was the right/only way and tough bloody luck, nastiness was the response when you disagreed/upset her .

She may be worried about you and just not able to say that. I turned out really well but I can't ever recall dm saying well done/proud of you etc she seemed to revel in the negativity. I just switched off her comments cos it wasn't me, it WAS her.
Could you have an open conversation with her? Tell her you're 27, have thought it through, not taken lightly etc and her attitude hurts. My DM wouldn't have been able to, cos she had done nothing wrong in her eyes and you would be exaggerating etc...I do wish I had stood up and challenged her more but life would have been SO much harder.

Congratulations on your pregnancy x hope everything goes smoothly x

Yep!