Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

[Familydrama25]

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

In a relationship. The first one broke down when I fell pregnant because he wanted a termination. I was really happy and he made it quite stressful so I decided to end things. Revive CSA but he doesn't have an active role in his life.

This time we're looking at getting a house together.

I am sorry OP if anything I said upset you, that wasn’t my intention. I think people can project their own stuff sometimes’ me included

I think to move forward try to understand your mum’s reaction. You obviously weren’t expecting her to be thrilled. If she’s anything like my mum she probably mouths off when she’s processing something, she’ll come around.

I think it’s good to acknowledge she’s been a lifesaver, otherwise she’s a risk as being portrayed as a woman who almost kidnapped your son

Im glad you kept the baby, and it will work out one way or the other. Your mum will likely come around, she needs time to process it.

Some mothers are like that. I've been married, same father for all my children, fully independent, and my mother took many years to finally accept me as an adult. Sometimes she still seems to have trouble with it.

In your own case, this is complicated by all the help your mother has given you. You have set a pattern and changing that is going to be difficult. Steps towards independence from her help are the way to start changing that, but it can be hard to break patterns.

If she's still viewing you as a child and not the grown woman and mother that you are, then there might be reasons for that. Does she nag you about behaving irresponsibly and making choices/decisions that are not in the best interests of your child? You still aren't really engaging with any of the specific questions about the length of this relationship, what the situation is with this bloke now and why you think your mum is choosing to be like this.

When I was growing up my GPs would often try to 'drop in' at weekends and my mum really resented it. She'd often make us go out on a Sunday afternoon for no reason other than to thwart her parents from turning up unannounced and uninvited, but the truth is that they would never get through the door if they announced it in advance or waited for an invitation. And they'd phone and she wouldn't answer. My mum was young, single, chaotic and complicated. Probably bipolar I know realise, and they were just checking on me and my sister to make sure we were fed and being looked after. That she was up and dressed and out of bed. That the house wasn't a pigsty and there wasn't some random bloke there who perhaps should not have been. Or even that she was home at all and we were not alone far younger than was wise.

She used to complain about them being interfering and overbearing, treating her like a child, but I for one am glad that they did. They were the only part of my childhood that was ever stable, constant and safe and unchanging.

You says she took it on herself to apply for a school for him. She picks him up from school and feeds him most days while you work flexible hours from home by the sounds of things. She's intimated that you can't be trusted to get him up and into school each morning. She moved you both in over Covid and seems to take a lot of the practical day to day mothering stuff off your hands as if she lives for looking after her grandson. And yet instead of being delighted at another baby to get her hands on and keep up what some might see as an unhealthy level of involvement and control, she's actually quite pissed off about it.

This suggests to me that there is a backstory you are not telling us and your mum has genuine concerns or genuine gripes. Maybe she feels used and taken for granted, dumped with all the boring bits of parenting your child so that you can be free to live life like a young single woman with no responsibilities.

And perhaps there is genuine concern over how you've coped (or not) in the past, or the types or relationships you've had, and it's a big part of the reason she's so over-involved now. Because her prime concern is your little boy's welfare. Otherwise I'm really not sure why you'd feel the need to name change for this thread.

@Familydrama25 to be fair, you sound like you can afford and provide for another child anyway so I guess there is no need to think about the alternative.
BUT you have to stop using your mum. STOP using her for childcare, for food whatever. Because if you keep using her, she will keep thinking about you as a child, not as a grown woman.
And if you want her to take you more seriously, buy that new house/flat with your DP. That way, she can see that yes you were reckless before, but you are responsible now

Following on from OPs update post this sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic with the grandmother, who is massively overstepping. I would be setting some new boundaries now and then that will all be in place once the new arrival turns up. Sounds like the grandmother needs reminding that these are not her children and she needs to back off a bit....or a lot and let OP, children and partner be a family, make normal parenting decisions and I can't believe the thing about the holiday they booked and didn't even invite the OP. Just wow.

This is appalling, I am speaking as someone who didn't have the support of parents either. At this point, I would separate yourself and cherish your own family on your own terms and not put up with this negativity as it's not right for you or your unborn child to have to cope with your mother's negativity. When she's dead and gone YOU will have your children, and having them in your twenties is absolutely natural, it's the world around us which has gone down the wrong track in assuming 21 is too young, etc. It really sounds like your mum is jealous, she did the wrong thing by marrying your father perhaps, or rather, she decided to do the 'right' thing and is jealous that you are doing you're thing. Take it from me, cherish this gift of life, there are so many women who can't have children, or had abortions to do the right thing. You are truly blessed, and if your mother can't see this and is giving you a hard time, do move on, you are stronger on your own.

Can I ask if you have “your life together”…. So a job, a home, stable income, stable LT relationship?….. It can be upsetting to parents who WANT these things for you.

I mean, I would be pretty disappointed if my kid decided to have a baby and they were, say homeless, or jobless etc, but I wouldn’t be nasty about it, I’d be supportive and they would be back home with me getting their life together.

A baby isn’t always planned…. I understand that, but a baby is an innocent in all of this.

Clearly your mom is a nasty person. She made comments about your first pregnancy and now is being nasty again about your second one.

Id be cutting her off until she apologises and then I would give her firm boundaries about her attitude, and if she did cross the line…. That would be it.

Congrats! Times hsve moved on. Youre no longer 21 she should get over it. You are not alone I am married and had my 2nd DS at 37 snd my oh so DM told me "well that's it now, 2 and done. There is no need to have more children these days 2 is enough". But me and DH would like 3 or 4 so I know she will be unhappy if we conceive again! She even said "well don't expect me to help, I am well past that now". Totally inderstandable if I was a sponging lazy daughter but I am the only child who helps with everything, booking holidays, managing banking, wills, funerals for DGs, medical apts, paper work, housing decoration, ferrying them to amd from hospital and to the airport, I rescued them when they were stuck on their holiday when lock down happened in March 2020. So when she told me that is stung a loooot.

She helped so much with my DBs children who are sponges and so 0 for my DP. sigh family eh?

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Does your mum behave like this In other relationships or just with you? Can you give a bit more background as to your situation: Home; job; partner etc etc. can you think of any reason why she might not be happy?

Cut the bitch out of your life, you don’t need her

I would say though Op, that no one ‘falls pregnant’ or ‘gets caught’ or any of those other sayings that minimise the very active role you played in becoming pregnant, so perhaps stop
speaking that way & your mum might not view you as a child. Take responsibility for your own actions, decisions & consequences & stop leaving your mum to it with your DC. Act like an adult & she might start treating you like one.

Congrats on the pregnancy (I just don’t think your mum is the bad guy she’s sounding like here).

I may be totally wrong but I feel like there is information you’re leaving out.. my knee jerk assumption was that you’re reliant on her for support and are not in a position to be having a second child. Then I feel her response would be justified.

I highly suspect she does - and isn’t in a good position to be having a second child and that’s why she reacted in the way she did. I think details are being left out of this tale.

She sounds like she’s a very embittered woman; do you have siblings? Is she this negative with them? Or is she just negative about everything in life in general? It might be she really doesn’t know how to react to happy news; or it could be she’s just jealous of you & your life; some mums are as sad as that sounds. Don’t let her spoil your pregnancy enjoy it, enjoy your little one & enjoy your partner; maybe create a bit of distance between you & your mum for a while give her time to stew; them when she asks why you been avoiding her; be honest tell her she was offensive & very dismissive of your pregnancy & it hurt you to know your own mother didn’t anything to do with her grandchild.

She kind of does though, that's the problem.

Many Congratulations! I think some people are automatically on the attack, they cannot say nice things. What comes out if their mouth is aggressive and bitter. Hardly anything makes them say nice things. Your mum is one, that's why you left the announcement until your dad was around.

its your baby ,your life, your choice. She isn't in control of the daughter she bore, that is why she's mad! Stay low key from now on don't tell her anything treat her as a stranger. Let her ask questions you give one word answers. she can turn your wonderful event into something saddening .

There is no excuse for her reaction. I'm not sure why people are looking for one. A congratulations and an interest in the scan picture of her grandchildren isn't much to expect is it. Any concerns she has she could gently discuss at another time.

She sounds like a toxic narcissistic piece of work. There’s never any reason for being as nasty as that and the fact you’re trying to excuse it suggests it’s not the first time.

Surround yourself with people who are excited about your amazing news and limit time with her. It’s sad but sometimes cutting people out of your life isn’t always a bad thing.

Maybe spend more time alone with your dad. Xxx

Congratulations on the great news!! I hope you are getting plenty of support from baby's daddy and your own dad sounds really kind!💖
So what's with your mum?
Unless you are a drug addict, relying on her for every penny or an abuser of some sort, she should be happy for you!
Seems strange🤔 does she have past trauma with pregnancy?
Regardless, if she can't be happy for you just kill her with kindness👍 don't let the picking at you grind you down. She sounds hard to please😔 so no matter what you do, you'll always be in the wrong.
Please don't let her steal your sparkle🌟
Keep telling yourself you're worth more than this😘😘😘in one ear and out the other.
If she won't be fair with you her opinion doesn't really count, it will only hold you back🌈

I had parents who overstepped and sulked and lectured me if I didn’t comply, and I indulged them until my father died when I was 48 (my mother has dementia) rather than being firm and assertive. I wish I’d set boundaries in my twenties and I’d urge you to do so now.

Sounds very much like your Mum needs counselling. She seems to have a negative reaction to many issues. Is she healthy or could she be hiding something. I'd have a chat with your Dad and see if he would be 'allowed' to give you some emotional support or if he can throw any light on why Mum is behaving the way she is.
Congrats on the baby btw.

Why would her DM be happy when her Daughter is in a casual relationship, not living together and has needed a lot of support as a single mother already.
Her DM doesn't know this man, yet lives locally, she asked who the father was.

Sorry OP but your mum sounds like she is disappointed and as a PP said, what parent who cares for their daughter (albeit you are an adult) would wish for them to have 2 children by 2 different people by age 27? & have I understood correctly that you aren’t currently living with the father of the child you are expecting? So if you and your current partner do realise your plan of moving in together you would be moving your son in with another man and having a new baby - it’s a lot and will be tough. Your mum knows this. Alternatively, if you don’t realise that plan you’ll be on your own with 2 kids. Your mum
also knows this. You have had 2 unplanned pregnancies, which you have gone through with, which perhaps doesn’t sit well with her.
It’s possible the OPs mum has a very different story to tell about her version of events compared to OPs but we will never know. Depending on context, a baby isn’t automatically good news!
You don’t say if your mum has always been negative / unsupportive or what your relationship was like before your first pregnancy, so it’s hard to properly judge her reaction.
All that being said, you may well make a great success of things and everything works out for everyone - but the reality is our parents (if the are decent), are older, wiser and generally want the best for us.

You aren't yet in a settled long term relationship with this man. " looking to get a house" isn't a great basis for having a baby.

This is two kids by two Dads by mid twenties and you aren't in a stable long term situation.

I wouldn't be thrilled if I were your Mum. I think she fears you be a single Mum to two kids by two men. Not great life choices.