Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

[Familydrama25]

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

I really feel for you. However, if she was also negative about her friend’s news it might be worth talking to your dad about her. My sister (always positive) stopped responding to things / didn’t laugh at programmes she’d normally find funny. We put it down to her getting older. Turned out to be a symptom of Parkinson’s. Not suggesting it’s this, but there might be something underlying her attitude.
Or, she might be feeling it adds to her responsibilities as your mum.

Your DM thinks you’re going to be leaning on her for support just as she’s getting her life back. If you aren’t even living with the baby’s father, you can see why she might be concerned. As long as you aren’t going to be asking her for any help she should have nothing to worry about, so work on reassuring her you can manage on your own.

OP you dont say how long you've been together but you dont live together. Speaking from bitter experience, you should have at least lived together for a decent amount of time. Otherwise, its all just a gamble.

My sounds like your mum, she can't be happy about anybody's news. A very negative person and this has got worse with age.

Erm, this is 2025?? Not the Victorian age!!

Wow I’m thinking quite a few comments on here should have been left back in Victorian times… unmarried, 2 kids by 27, two different days!! Get ready people none of this means her mum can be an utter *** about it. If she’s not interested in the grandkids it’s best to keep away from her, she’s toxic

This is 2025 not the victorian age.......what's happened has happened. Besides, who amongst us is perfect? Certainly not me.

I can’t be bothered to scroll through 16 pages of posts, but has OP actually given the back story which undoubtedly makes her mother’s reaction entirely reasonable. We all know it’s there.

I know this word is thrown around a lot, but your mother sounds like a narcissist (and your dad the enabler/one who never stands up to her). Do you have siblings? If so, how does she treat them in relation to you? If not, might be that she treats your son as the golden child.

Narcissists bring down happy news because they don’t like when the limelight isn’t on them. This is not about you. You have shared happy news in your life and it’s crazy to bring it down (she’s upset that the due date is in December? Really??). She does the same to others (the friend). Read up on narcissism and see if the descriptions fit your mum. If I were you I’d be keeping her at arms length and not sharing much with her. She can’t put a dampener on what she doesn’t know!

Anyway, congratulations on your pregnancy!

In your second update OMG you've described my mum. She's a narcissist with schizophrenia and I had to cut her off because it's too controlling. She is never happy for me but wanted a weekly schedule to visit my kids and see me. When I said no she kicked off so I blocked her. Good luck op

congratulations!

also i feel for you, my mums the same (luckily not with grandkids!) but if j book a trip or a concert, make any plans with anyone other than her she says things like 'i couldnt imagine anything worse' and makes a vomitting face.

i think its just boomers tbh
they are so jeleous and bitter and once the world stop revolving around them they feel irrelevant.

you are a bit younger than me but you eventually learn to not let it bother you and confidence just grows.

all the best x

You didn't intend to fall pregnant? Surely you know how babies are made after your first pregnancy? I'm guessing you had sex unprotected, or you thought you were protected because you're taking contraception (which is just an added level of protection and not complete protection) - I can see why your Mum is tearing her hair out. You don't even live together yet? That part is unclear.

I do appreciate that your Mum's response does put her in a bad light and she sounds jaded, toxic, and narcissistic. I would stick with your Dad, but don't ask your Mum for anymore help. She can't hold it against you and you won't have to thank her for anything. It sounds like she's trying to control your first child and raise them, by constantly wanting them. That is really bizarre behaviour.

I can also understand she is huffing because she's done her time as a parent and doesn't want to do another round of school runs, because she's possibly worried this relationship will fall through. It's almost as if she's stressing over having to put the effort in to raising another child, when that's not her responsibility. Really bizarre behaviour! I do feel we only have one side of the story here, but I also know how toxic Mother's can be when twisting a story to match their own narrative, so I don't know if your Mother would tell the entire truth.

Did you read the OP or…?

Not the victorian era, but perhaps we need a little more of the values of people being in committed relationships before having children. 2x2 is not a great record when neither are a husband or stable relationship

Oh, and in response to those saying the mother is reacting like this because she’s worried about OP, if that were true then why would she be so b*tchy? Where was the “Are you okay?” “Do you feel ready and sure about this?” etc. There wasn’t any of that. There was “i HoPe iT’s NoT dUe At cHrIsTmAs” and “i WaNtEd tO gO dIsNeY”. Oh, and the comment about the Disney trip being intended for DS1 and the daughter feeling like the new baby is “being excluded already” is also giving narcissism. There’s definitely going to be a golden child/scapegoat dynamic going on when this new child is born. It’s starting already.

OP says her parents are traditional as were mine. Perhaps mum was hoping for a wedding ring to give you and the baby more security financially.

This isn’t about what century or ‘age’ we are in.
But it is potentially about differences in personal values / choices and generations.

OPs actions have negatively affected her mum’s life in ways we possibly don’t know & maybe those commenting ‘it’s 2025’ etc don’t have negative experience of being a grandparent or feeling put upon / despair at irresponsibility on their adult children’s part which has negatively impacted their life (I don’t but have experienced it second hand and it can be very burdensome and have far reaching recriminations at a time when the parents of the adult child are probably feeling they have done their far share of parenting and it’s time for them to step back a bit and relax / not have to stress about that kind of responsibility in their own advancing years).

Some of the stuff in here is a bit worrying. Her booking a holiday to take your son away from you without you - never mind without discussing it with you - is crazy. She does almost seem to see him as hers rather than yours and maybe she reacted this way as she thinks it will make things more complicated for him or something - it overall doesn’t sound like a super healthy dynamic. Saying that - I imagine it’s super hard balancing your life and so maybe that’s a dynamic worth putting up with in exchange for the help - it sort of depends how extreme she gets and how much you’d be screwed without her help.

Sorry, just seen your latest response. Your mum has massive boundary and control issues. Going on holiday with your son but not you?!! Maybe some family counselling would help but unfortunately many boomers lack self awareness and I get the impression she is unlikely to agree to it. Best of luck to you and congratulations on your pregnancy x

I do understand my mum's concerns, and yes she and most parents would ideally like you to be in a more long-term/ marriage relationship for that security. Simply put when I found out I had two choices. I would love for my son to be able to have a sibling and feel the opportunity has come around.

My mum has helped with childcare but I don't rely on her financially/for a house or anything like that. I live quite independently. I'm sure she would have still like me to have dinner at hers every night but I've had to purposely try and break away to create more of that home for me.
In hindsight I reckon our relationship would have been better if I had moved away slightly before settling for that space between us. I have a brother who did just that! And when he's back he's the golden child because they just want to enjoy some quality time whilst they have it.

I have been working closely with my boss so I am able to take more of a role at home over work, meaning more school pick ups etc. Yes it means less pay but thankfully I have savings if needs be.

It's honestly been an eye opener on how I need to assert my boundaries for a more healthy relationship.

Kindly, OP, if you are using her for childcare you aren’t living independently. She sounds like she doesn’t think you’re capable of managing on your own. That may be unfair, but the only way to find out is to make your own life and have a more equal and adult relationship with her.

Well done, you! But don't forget about your Dad, he's your ali and peace maker. I'm sure he would like to see his new grandchild even if your Mum doesn't have time for her grandchildren. Good Luck!

Is your Mum always so crabby? What an inappropriate and totally unloving reaction.
You have no choice but to try and ignore this nonsense ... either that or distance yourself from her.
Are you tolerating this because she has a role in child care for you?
If not why do you not just tell her that her reaction is inappropriate and unmotherly and you are a grown woman and do not have to listen to this. It really is none of her business.

You mum thinks you won't manage because you never have. I can understand why she feels how she feels. Best course of action is to stop leaning on her and be more independent. Show her you can do it before baby comes. A second unplanned baby with a live out boyfriend isn't exactly ideal when you're not juggling the first without lots of her help.

Your mum sounds like a total bitch tbh