Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

[Familydrama25]

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

Congratulations!

No thats not a normal response from your DM youre 27 not 17. You are living independently and made the decision to continue with this pregnacy with your partner. All normal and lovely. Your dad sounds great. Best of luck.

OP, you admit yourself it was a ‘difficult decision’ to go ahead with this pregnancy, so one assumes, given what you say, that this is the second of two accidental pregnancies by the age of 27, that you’re not in a committed relationship with either father, and you make no reference to the five year old’s playing a significant role in looking after him/her — surely it’s not hard to understand your mother’s first reactions (‘Why?’ and about your contraception) or why they don’t treat you like an adult when you seem to be behaving like a teenager living in an annexe, not really independent, still heavily reliant.

Gently, it’s very easy to criticise your mother as overbearing and claim you don’t need her input when your parents have essentially been co-parenting with you throughout your five year old’s life, meaning that you’re never in the difficult position of having take emergency leave when your childminder is ill, or run out of an important meeting because school has phoned to say little X hit his head and needs collecting, or having to continue to solo parent when you’re so ill with Covid you can barely raise your head off the pillow. You always had options, thanks to your parents.

So much so that you've quoted it twice ...

OP are you scared of your mum? It's quite unusual to not tell someone that you're close to about a pregnancy until 18 weeks.

It all sounds very enmeshed and your parents boundaries are very off.

I agree. I might not be as abrupt as your mother but I certainly wouldn't be congratulating you; nor unlike ypur mother would I provide childcare for either of your children.

Sorry I understand why your mum has reacted like that and I actually think you do to. You know this is not the best time or situation in which to have another baby.
Obviously though I hope it goes well for you.

You’re probably right. But I think it’s because generally the dynamic is different.
When a girl/woman has a child young without the support of a partner it often results in parents stepping into help. It’s somewhat of a crisis situation. Of course, some young mothers manage very well, but often being young, mothers are hindered by their lack of resources and the fact that they’re not established. So they need that help from a practical perspective, and they generally need more help than an older couple.

What a childish reaction, @Differentforgirls

Yep.

Why aren’t these posters who are so supportive of OP’s mum, not critical of her arranging to take the child on holiday without consulting or including his mother! That was so hurtful!

Thanks x

It is simple maths. Doing the lions share of childminding, cooking dinners, pick ups & drop offs five times a week is very different from once a week. Once a week, everyone gets to enjoy the kids company. Everyday... well there is the significant potential for that to be a bind and a slog, but many Grandparents put the best face on it because they love their child & grandkids.

It really has nothing to do with the age of the parent hoping for support in rearing their children by the Grandparents, but it has everything to do with the scale of reliance.

This thread is split into those who seem to wish to be as oblivious as the Op as to the help and support her DM has given her. Single parenthood happens all the time for a miriad of reasons - life happens and we all try our best - but to wilfully ignore why the Grandmother (who by the Ops own account does all the cooking - the Op didn't learn and blamed her Mother and there is no mention of her father pitching in with cooking - I'd be on my knees in this scenario and I like cooking and love kids!!!) might not be overjoyed and to then slate her DM for being overbearing when she enables her daughter to maintain at least some semblance of independence and life (to work and to go out and have relationships), personally I think that the Op should examine if she might be being just a bit self-orientated and over sensitive. She has a great, great deal to be thankful to her Mum for... Years of real actions looking after her first Grandchild... Yet the Grandfather is being lauded for his happy reception of the news that the new father is 'a good earner' (literally all he knows about him) and the Grandmother slated because her immediate reaction is less than completely positive when even the Ops own reaction wasn't completely positive at first.

The bit about the cooking struck me. My mother didn’t teach me to cook & cooked all my meals while I was a teenager. She did it so i could focus on school. Both she & I think it was mistake in hindsight. But she didn’t do it because she takes over or wants to be controlling. Thats not only taking the worst interpretation or it, its also absolving yourself of any responsibility to teach yourself a life skill.
That the main bit that tipped me into thinking I to everything the mother did/does is being slotted into controlling. Instead of helpful or generous, or at least intended to be helpful.

The bit about the cooking struck me. My mother didn’t teach me to cook & cooked all my meals while I was a teenager. She did it so i could focus on school. Both she & I think it was mistake in hindsight. But she didn’t do it because she takes over or wants to be controlling. Thats not only taking the worst interpretation or it, its also absolving yourself of any responsibility to teach yourself a life skill.
That the main bit that tipped me into thinking I to everything the mother did/does is being slotted into controlling. Instead of helpful or generous, or at least intended to be helpful.

Bloody hell what a nasty piece of work that woman seems!

I applied earlier this year so rather dismayed to find I cannot quite remember, but I definitely didn’t have to supply all that. In fact I definitely didn’t have to present any documentation before offer time, I think it was possible I had to do a council tax reference number entered online, that’s all I think. In fact we are near the border of two different boroughs and applied to schools in each…what I had to supply and do to apply to a school in one of those boroughs was different from the requirements for someone in the other borough, but applying for the same school. If that makes any sense.

Agree . I’d like to hear the mother’s story . It’s also not rocket science to cook . Anybody can do it . What with utube , googling, there is no excuse.

You clearly expected your mother not to be overjoyed by your pregnancy announcement - so her reaction was not a surprise. Now you and the baby's father need work out how the childcare situation will be managed when the baby is born - he needs to play a full part. You've been lucky so far, with the amount of help your mother has given, despite you considering she has taken over. Realistically and thinking sensibly, can you do without her help? Also, your son must be really close to his grandparents, so his relationship with them must not suffer.

It was pretty uncommon 27 years ago. I have three kids from 25 to 30 and I don't remember a single mother I met who had had a child over 40.

it still could have happened , regardless.

to be honest if my daughter announced she was pregnant again with a different father to the first and seemingly not in a stable relationship - you aren’t married and not even living together - then yeah I’d be a bit disappointed (but I wouldn’t be so mean to have expressed it the way she did)

the thing is you went there for validation and support as to the life choices you have made. As a parent we don’t have to either like them or support them.

I suspect her reaction to her friend announcing a wedding was because she compares her friends daughter to her own and she feels embarrassed that you aren’t perhaps?

Sounds to me like the OP’s DM has stepped up to support her DD, who found herself a young, single mother.

She has continued to do this for five years, seemingly successfully. The OP now has her own home, a job and clearly has time to socialise and begin a new relationship. All
of which would have been extremely hard without the DM’s support.

Just at the point when the DS is starting school and things should be easier, BAM, back to square one.

I understand the DM’s frustration.

I think the extra support that the DM had to give to help out OP at 21 may have blurred the relationship boundaries here. I wonder if the DM feels that all the extra care and support given entitles her to have more say over her grandchild's life and have stronger opinions on things like how this new baby will affect them.

I'm not saying she's right to feel this way, OP it sounds like you've grown up a lot since then, but it may help unravel this if you try to get where she's coming from.

I've been reading over these posts. I haven't disappeared I had a really long day yesterday and when I checked it some of the stuff written can be really cut throat.

I have been really disappointed/upset by my mum's reaction. I'm not disregarding or being unappreciated for her help, I've often told friends she's a lifesaver because it has meant I have been able to do things with the childcare help.

I didn't intend to fall pregnant but I also felt I couldn't go through with the alternative. I really am trying to make the best of the situation and it was even harder than last time due to knowing what it all entails now..and having come out of the baby/toddler stage to do it all over again.

I think some posters are right that I am still looked at as the child in the relationship, the daughter and not a mum. I still feel like the silly 21 year old even though a lot has changed since then.

@Familydrama25 you never mention the dads in your comments. Where are they, what is their role apart from getting you pregnant?