Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

[Familydrama25]

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

You'd be surprised. I knew someone who had two children (different mum's, same dad) and the grandparents on the dad's side have been very involved in one child's life and not at all in the other (both mothers were open to the grandparents being involved). I don't know what the deal was that they preferred one child to the other. Strange situation.

Read this book to help you understand:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

But again, I know plenty of married, professional couples in their 30s/40s who have a baby then use grandparents as part of their childcare plan when they go back to work. A friend is late 30s and has just returned to work on a part-time basis (teacher), her daughter is spending one day with her mother, one day with her husbands parents and one day at nursery each week. So significant family help. She wants one more child in a couple of years but I wouldn’t expect them to react as OPs parents have?

I feel like grandparent help with childcare is pretty normal but just spun differently if the mother is younger or single, even though it’s the same thing.

Could it be that it is different? The vibe in providing childcare for two older independent adults Vs a young single mother is different. While every situation is individual a younger single mother is more likely to need more significant help.
I don’t fully disagree with you though - getting the same help might be viewed differently.

It’s possibly somewhat moot though as the mother’s first reaction didn’t mention childcare. She said “Why?”. That could be the reaction of her feeling worn out by childcare, or it could be worry for or frustration at her daughter.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP!

Its Time for your Emancipation @Familydrama25 Pull back.

You say you don't want to run your DM down, but I define running down as what she is doing to you. Highlighting real, or often perceived flaws to undermine confidence

I don't think you are doing that. I think you are looking at her behaviour and deciding that you don't like the way she's treating you.

Her reaction to your announcement that your son will have a sibling was simply atrocious and reminded me of the mean reaction to my last pregnancy. It was cruel and hurt you and she knew it.. but expressing her resentment and contempt are the priority to her. She really wants you to know. Not only that but she absolutely knows if she says something cruel, you are often taken aback and so hurt its hard to respond and so she's free to enjoy herself throwing further barbs.

I couldn't help thinking how a person would want someone close to them to respond to a pregnancy announcement.. with a hug or Congratulations. Even if they have concerns.. why not voice them rationally.. her objection.."Oh its going to spoil Christmas/our holiday at Disney" is all about her"

This is a HUGE wake up call.
You have identified what she's like and how she treats you. Now you can decide how you react the things you don't like about it and how you manage or "renegotiate" your relationship in future.

She's one of those people who insist on having full on access to your child. Booking holidays with him and omitting to say you are not invited is NOT on.
She has taken over things without asking, commenting that you wouldn't get him to nursery was a) false and b) undermining and c) her attempt to justify that she is in charge and you have no say.

You know complaining about your age 26/27. Its utterly ridiculous. Did she expect you to wait until your son was 10? 15? or remain an only child.

Yes she may help out... but this is completely overbearing, coupled with her obvious resentment and cruel comments it speaks to her character. I would want her much less involved and to understand that you are the mother and she can't just override you or make decisions without consulting you at all. Applying to schools without telling you when you'd already applied to the schools you wanted is shocking. Has she applied to the same schools as the child's guardian? I'd look into sorting out the impact of double applications. Its unhinged.

You've got to be an advocate for your son and newbie. You don't want him to grow up taking in the remarks that say you are incompetent and not capable and that he must defer to her as the higher authority. If it were a DH that would doing that, people would say its setting a really bad example to the child and criticise him for it.

I don't think it's worth making a big statement about it.. Just quietly and firmly take back control. You are paying a very high price for her help. You have to consider if this treatment is worth it.
Having a good calendar planned out that you have to consult before agreeing to surprise requests helps. Make your own plans for things in advance and don't change them unless you really want to. So you can confidently say No.. we are doing xyz that weekend. Or No it's all arranged. in other words ReEducate. You are not 21 now, you are 27 with your own home and career.

You would really benefit from assertiveness training or reading to give you some tools. I wouldn't let put down comments pass to "keep the peace" even in front of your DC.. You know what she's like so calmly and quietly have some shutting the conversation down phrases up your sleeve... like "I prefer to do it that way." some comment about how its wrong. "Never the less that is how we will be doing it." kind of thing. Not arguing but stating.. and then if it continues. " I'm not engaging with you on this if you are going to be so nasty about it, its a bad example for DC. "
She won't like it but she doesn't like what you say/do much anyway it seems, so you may as well try. I'm not suggesting doing any of this in a hostile way, that's her jam, but calmly regaining control of your parenting and how you want to live.
Hopefully you can make things more bearable without a complete shut down.

Do you have other friends/relatives that you can lean on for decent, kind support instead? You dad sounded a bit more helpful.
Best of luck and wishing you a smooth pregnancy.

I do think it’s important not to rely too much on your parents to help with childcare, as tempting as it may be it is clearly blurring the boundaries and your mum is in her own mind taking control of things.

On the one hand I can see she has really helped a lot, but on the other hand there are some red flags that just can’t be explained by her doing lots of childcare. Applying to schools without mentioning it to you? Booking a holiday for your child without including you, or even communicating that? Those are extremely odd choices. Unacceptable to me. So I would step back.

Does the father of your second child have plans to move in and see his child full time?

The bit “yes she may help”, it’s not a prize for OP’s mother. It’s free childcare, I know a lot of people who would give their back teeth for free childcare.

I do think some of the mother’s comments were inappropriate, but in general you have to keep in mind we are hearing one side of a relationship.

DC is 5, at any point prior to this Op could have put him in childcare. Her Mum reacts badly to a pregnancy announcement and now everything the mother has done is being mulled over.

What if what actually happened was the OP got pregnant at 21, couldn’t cope that well with the responsibility of a child on her own at that age and the mother stepped in. The OP’s mum did what had to be done at the time, while at the same time gas grown to love DG.

It isn’t possible for a non parent or guardian to apply for a school place for lots of legal reasons.

Oh….thank you for clarifying, that’s odd then 🧐

My Mum is like, we don't talk anymore... sorry Op she sounds bloody awful.

@boujeewooje ages are something to consider though, if you’re in your teens and 20s when you have children, your parents will be relatively young usually and their availability for childcare is also limited by that. I wouldn’t be decreasing my work hours at 40 to be involved in childcare for example (unless I could really comfortably afford to).

What is the back story? It's a very unusual reaction from your mum...

. I had applied to schools for my little one only to find out she had done it as well.

you must think we were born yesterday OP.

Many of us are parents and have applied for schools. We know this is bollox but let’s say it is true…. To me this screams that your mother had no faith that you’d have been bothered to do it.

Blimey can I come and live in your perfect bubble. OP is 27 for God's sake! Even IF things aren't perfect she is obviously not going to go asking for help from her Mum.
Congratulations OP, great age to have a baby, good luck with everything 💜

Last year she had even booked a holiday for the three of them! I thought we were all invited, took time off work to find out that I wasn't even considered.

oh to hear the mothers’s version of how this went down in reality

She shouldn't have been so negative. I expect she would like you to be married but if you're in a stable relationship, she has nothing to moan about and it isn't her business.

My birthday is a week after Christmas and I have always enjoyed it being so, very much. What difference does it make anyway?

At least your dad was OK about it. Mum will come around but I doubt you'll get an apology.

Would your parents take your son to Disneyland without you (or would you let them)? I doubt you'd feel like going with a young baby.

Congratulations and good luck.

Obviously the circumstances are far from ideal if the mother has to ask if the OP knows who the father is.
Just at the age where her firstborn will be at school full time , leaving far more room to get a full time job/ upskill/see the wood for the trees in terms of building a more secure and positive future for herself and her one child.....the OP has chosen to get pregnant for another man who she is not either in a stable relationship with and does not meet her needs outside of sex.
I'd be pissed off, too.
Good parents, shit, even most bad parents have a notion of at least WANTING their children to do better than themselves.

Do you live with your partner?
How long have you been with them?

She sounds very disappointed in you and the circumstances that you are bringing another baby in to. Any grandmother who is concerned her grandchildren don't or won't have stability or two loving and committed parents will feel the same, even if they don't say it.

Only you op know whether her feeling that is justified or not.

Your mom thinks she's the parent and parents your child over you.

Taking the school runs over is the right move. You're going to have to slowly decrease her role and shut her down when she tries to parent over you. She's probably have a fit but she's really trying to run your family. You're not a kid anymore. She says you won't to get up in time to get your own child to school, tell her you're a responsible adult who takes care of her child and it's really off of her to say you aren't.These are put downs designed to make you feel incompetent at parenting. Don't let her do that. "Why would you say that?" is a good response. And no more sleepovers on school nights.

Trying to enroll your kid in school and taking them on a holiday without you are huge oversteps. You guys sound really enmeshed and she's been doing a lot of care for your child so she feels entitled. You're going to have to step back from that if you want changes.

I’m surprised by how many people are defending her. I am very sorry for their children. Your mum can feel how she wants to feel but that is no excuse for how rude and cruel she has been.

you need to take charge of your child(ren) she’s not treating you with any respect and that’s not good for your child to see. It’s also not good for your child that you, as a result of the way she treats you, feel lacking in confidence with regards to parenting.

I’d massively cut back on their relationship personally, definitely stop asking her for favours and I’d end my own relationship with her, she was unforgivably rude and it’s clearly a pattern.
I imagine that will all be too difficult and cause a massive fall out, but it would be the right thing to do.

Thanks for update. So your mum has done a lot of childcare due to covid and now school pick ups so she’s very involved

Prob be a good idea for her to take w small step back - who the hell applies for a child’s school place as Nan when a parent about

will you be living together with dad no 2. How long have you been together ?

what is he like with ds ?

Wow, having read all your updates 😳

She applied for your child's school without consulting you???!!!

Mate, you've got a big problem here. Your mum still sees you as a teenager, and she sees herself as your child's real mum. I'd start keeping my distance if I were you. That's not to say "going no-contact", but scale it down massively. Oh my word.

The key here is choice.

Grandparents will usually have a choice whether or not to help with childcare for married, professional couples in their 30s/40s who have a baby. It's great if grandparents want to help with childcare, but they have the option of saying no.

Unfortunately, many grandparents don't have a choice when their daughter is young, single and still living at home. I can understand why a grandmother who is already carrying a significant financial and childcare load might not be jumping for joy at the news of another arrival. (However, this does not appear to be the situation for the OP.)

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I think you are right to readjust your priorities. I think you should create distance and place boundaries. Your mum sounds really full on, and her constant criticism of you comes across as emotional abuse.

I would certainly be backing off from her but maintaining a good relationship with your Dad.

I'm wondering if she's got this attitude because you're unmarried (just because you say she's traditional). Either way, she sounds horribly overbearing. And applying for schools for your son without telling you?? Fuck me, she'd have got it both barrels from me over that!!