Bad reaction to pregnancy announcement

[Familydrama25]

Username changed for this.
Sorry it's a long one to get it all out.

For reference I'm 27 with a 5 year old. I was already apprehensive about telling my family and my fears came true. And when I say family, I mean more my mum. I'm 18 weeks and held off as long as I could.

She had a suspicion recently and went "you're not pregnant are you, you better not be pregnant". At first I thought it was an opening but her wording put me on the defensive. I decided I will come down with some scan photos delivering the news a bit more how I would like and with my parents together - and I'm glad I did because my dad acted as some sort of neutraliser in all this.

I presented the photos and said how there's going to be a new member of the family by Christmas. She just said "why". I didn't really know how to respond to this. Dad moved it on, oh let's look at the pictures then. I don't even recall her even looking at the photos actually. I think she got up to do the dishes. From the kitchen she goes "take it you didn't take any precautions then", leaving my dad and I awkwardly looking at each other. He moved it on asking when it's due. "It better not be around Christmas" she pipes up and then made a dramatic sigh when I said 1st December. She told me how unfair this is on the child to share birthday and Christmas so close together. Despite them knowing I'm with someone, she goes "do you even know who the dad is". I clarified it was him but she clearly doesn't view me in a good light.

She then wants to plan a family holiday next year for us. And a bit child like she goes "I wanted to go Disney next year". I said we can still go. She replies well that was for (name of my ds). This was one of the first things she said and I still can't see how it's relevant. If anything it sounds like she's already excluding the unborn one!

In the end I just said can't you be happy for me and she replies a blunt "no". And a "why would I be".

I didn't expect her to be jumping with joy, but she couldn't even keep it neutral, especially knowing it's a moment that stays with you. Last time her response was "what have you done that for" but I was 21 so understand I was just starting out in life. I know I'm still young and it feels like she's mad at me for having done it again.

In all honesty the decision for me to go ahead with this pregnancy was a hard one. It was all about her but it would have been nice to be asked how I was feeling. In an ideal world, I would have liked to have been able to open up to her months ago and get some support around what to do but I think I've accepted she's not the one to do this with. It saddens me that she's actually the last person that I can come to with anything emotionally.

Recently her friend gave her some news about getting married and I had her friend call me up asking if she was ok because she didn't respond as how you would expect. So maybe it's not just me?

What would you do from here? It makes me want to distance myself but I'm still determined to go back and patch things up. It's a lot to take in and she's never been one at handling her emotions well.

AIBU - she has her reasons to lash out
YNBU - there was no need to say all those comments. There's better ways at going about expressing your concerns.

I’m still trying to work out where the dads fit in. Do they get to parent? Is DM stepping in because they don’t/aren’t allowed to parent

I don’t think it matters if the ‘vibe’ is different though, it’s essentially the same thing. I know of other couples essentially getting 3-4 full days per week collectively from grandparents in free childcare. Yet often you’ll see a younger mum or single mum getting much much less than this when you add it all up, but people put a completely different spin on it, act as though the grandparents are having to be a second set of parents and using words like ‘bankrolling’. Whatever peoples feelings are on grandparents doing childcare in place of nursery or after school clubs, I think it’s important to hold parents of all ages/relationship status to the same standard. OPs parents also have choice.

“Perfect world”? @Nextdoormat asking about employment and financial stability?

Oh dear

For those doubting that gran applied for a school place - you do have to prove you have PR, and that the child lives in the stated address, but it's all online, and just involves providing documents. I imagine it would be easy for an involved gran to put her hands on the Birth Certificate, for example.

Yeah, that didn't sound right.

So the fact the mother successful applied would rather indicate to me that has authority to do so ie guardianship

its a pointless thread really because we will never get the objective version of all this.

I forgot to add, congratulations on your pregnancy! Your mother was very unkind. She obviously doesn't respect you as the grown woman that you are, yet her own behaviour is preventing you from acting like one. I suspect she enjoys this setup and feels like that's how she feels worthwhile and needed.

All docs would have been sent to the OP’s address

so she would have known her mother applied

Very true

That would be me going low contact with her if I had had that reaction from a relative, I can understand the reaction when you were 21 but 27?! Certainly wouldn’t be giving her access to the new baby!

The OP is now a 27 year old adult, has her own home, a good job.

If the DM doesn't want to be asked for any further childcare, or further help then all she had to do was say that. Her reaction was shocking and very unkind. If she had a problem she could have discussed it.

I've been on the receiving end of something like this and I know it really hurts to be met with such a cruel reaction.

It's fair enough that this incident has made OP look back over her mother's over reach and put downs. Who needs that?

The point of my post was to say that OP is in a position now to establish her independence and be the person in charge of her child.

Exactly. I did it last year for my daughter, at no point did I have to prove who I was. A letter comes through the post addressed to "the parent/guardian of [child's name]". If they were living together at the time (or if OP hadn't updated her address with the health visiting team), gran could easily have just opened that letter (thinking "well, I'm as good as his guardian, aren't I?"), gone online and filled out the online form and scanned the birth certificate.

You’ve got to start taking full responsibility. None of this staying at her house, randomly doing pickups, her making the parenting decisions. If you want her to get on board with this pregnancy you need to show her you’re a mature adult.

• set a day when she has your son from school/ for tea and maybe some time at the weekend. Stick to it;
• if she wants to take them on holiday you discuss and agree it;
• if she tries to change the arrangements politely decline;
• either introduce her to your partner or explain your plan;
• explain what you’re going to do about mat leave/ money etc.

TBH it sounds like she’s worried you won’t cope and that could have a knock on effect to your son.

No documents were sent out when I applied. Everything was done by email.

LAs Also post the key docs so no accusation of email bot being received.

What does ‘both at 21’ mean? Sorry didn’t understand.

@Trendyname I think OP meant that when she was pregnant with first DC at 21 and now at 27 she was/is living independently. However, when COVID happened she moved in with her parents

The OP’s mother would have had to have provided the following proof in order to apply.

First piece of evidence includes a copy of:

• Council Tax statement for 2024 to 2025 or 2025 to 2026, or
• a signed tenancy agreement or exchange of contracts with confirmed completion date.

Second piece of evidence should include a copy of at least one of the following:

• Child Tax Credit, Working Tax Credit, Job Seeker Allowance, Disability Benefit letter or statement
• a driving licence
• a schedule of motor insurance
• a utility bill, such as gas, water, electric or broadband
• a payslip.

Third piece of evidence includes proof your child lives with you, which can be a copy of a:

• doctor or hospital letter in their name
• savings account or bank account in their name
• Child Benefit statement.

Not in my LA. We got a letter telling us to apply, but nothing after the application. So how would the OP have known that her DM had applied?

I did not have to provide any of that information. Admittedly primary was a while ago, but the same system is used for secondary places. Since it was an online system, I presume they did checks behind the scenes (e.g. council tax), but I was not asked to provide it.

Come again - you didn’t have to provide any evidence

what is your LEA and how long ago was this?!!

i suspect that with the passage of time @LegoLivingRoom you might have forgotten that you did have to provide the above evidence!

in any event, that’s the situation now

Her very first reaction was “why”? She’s the OP’s mother. The OP isn’t in a committed relationship with DP and she has the responsibility of her first child.My mother’s first reaction would also be “why?”.

The stuff about Disneyland & Christmas birthday was very random.

There is difference between establishing your independence, and taking the worst possible interpretation of everything your mother has done for you.

I don't think she is, she's reacting to her mother's reaction.