To be angry with school

[crossmummas]

My daughter who is 11 went on a residential school trip.
She has just come home in flood of tears as she cried each night as she missed us and wanted to come home. I don’t think she clearly said to the teacher ‘I want to come home’ but did say she was homesick and missed her family. She was crying for around 20 minutes.

I am so cross the school didn’t ring me so I could pick her up. I actually only live 5 minutes away from the place she was staying.

I’m not sure whether to ring and ask to speak to the headteacher tomorrow or to write a strongly worded email to the school or if I’m over reacting. It’s the first time she has stayed away from home.

A lot of kids feel homesick at bedtime having been absolutely fine the rest of the day. Once asleep they are also fine (obviously) and then wake up smiling the next day.

So, I would want to know whether it was just bedtimes she felt like this, did her friends/staff comfort her, did she have a good time otherwise, before reacting.

Bear in mind also that one child being picked up can start a wave of kids wanting to go home who had been totally fine previously. So staff will be reluctant to set that wave off unless it’s absolutely necessary. A bit of homesickness at bedtime would not count as absolutely necessary IMO.

Why hasn’t she been away from home before? It might’ve been a good idea to practise with a sleepover at a friend’s or relative’s before a multi night residential? Appreciate this isn’t always possible.

Oh ffs, stop mollycoddling. You tell her to stop being a wet lettuce and you thank the teachers who gave up their time to take your child away

If the school called me I’d have left my son there. I believe kids have to learn it’s ok to be away from home and face their fears. Maybe into harsh…

Surely the whole point of a residential is getting them used to being away from home? This is where/how resilience is taught, OP. Don’t be that parent

When I was 10 we went on a 3 day Brownie trip.
One of the year below wept totally every night from the moment they got into the dorm until they fell asleep.
During the day they were fine and they did not want to go home.

They signed up to go the next year and there were no tears in sight.

Much better they stayed.

There are always children, lots of them, who feel like this on residentials.

There are also lots of children who go home and tell their parents that they cried every night for them, and didn't.

There are always lots of parents who forget to thank teachers for working so many more hours, it makes your head spin with exhaustion, but you do it for the kids.

I'll never do another one now, the kids are brilliant, it's the parents who cause the issues before and after.

You have had some great advice from other people….

we have a residential coming up and the parental complaints are one of the worst bits .

all the time that we give up for free and effort, and I can nearly guarantee we will get at least five (ridiculous) complaints and zero thank yous

I’ve done many residential trips in my time but never again. The hours of the work, admin, risk assessments, medical forms, the utter lack of sleep and the whole stress of it all just isn’t worth it. Combine that with ungrateful parents quick to complain over the smallest thing.
Never, ever again

If there was a real problem, the teachers would have called you. There wasn't, they dealt with it.

Many kids cry a bit when they get home purely because they feel guilty they've been away and had a great time without their parents.

Please do not be THAT parent. Support your child by focussing on what they've achieved. If you focus on the fact they may have cried for a short bit before bed, your child will never leave home again!

I don't blame you.

Do you think their might be a link between your reaction to this and your daughter finding it so difficult to spend a few nights away from you?

She might have been sad at the end of the day because she was tired and missed home, 20
minutes of crying would never warrant a call home. Most kids get upset when away especially the first time. Honestly, give your head a wobble, hug your daughter and tell her how well she did. Then wobble your head again and give thanks to the teachers that put up with this crap

As a child, I once went on a trip to Switzerland with the Girl Guides. We didn't have mobile phones etc so one evening about halfway through the 10day trip we were taken to the phone box to call home. It set probably 80% of the girls off and they were in floods of tears. We walked back to the chalet, had dinner and a chat and all was well again. If the leaders had sent home every child that cried for 20minw the trip would have been called off.

Having a sob that is caused, no doubt, by over tiredness and over excitement is not a reason to rush and get her.

It's not, as someone suggested, that being miserable is a badge of honour but rather that the teachers are likely able to teach the children how to manage their homesickness so that they can continue to enjoy the day time activities and be more equipped to handle those feelings next time they arise. They'll remember that it was with pushing through, that it all felt a bit easier after a meal and a sleep, and that they are capable of being away from home.

I do wonder if there could be a requirement for primary schools to let secondary schools know of those kind of parents. Vexatious complaints should have consequences.

It's the ones that if you do have to call, they then tell you they are out for the night pissed up to their eyeballs miles away... They can't and/or won't come, the kid is all your problem! And it won't be a mild issue, or you wouldn't have called in the first place...

Parent of the year awards...

You only mention the night time for 20 minutes. What was she like for the rest of the 23 hours and 40 minutes of each day? I think you should focus on that. You reacting in this way about 20 minutes a day, unless there are other things at play such as bullying etc, only serves to reinforce the feeling in her head that being away from home is bad. You don't want her growing up like that, trust me.

What's best is a bright and breezy cheerleader kind of attitude, a brief acknowledgement that yes she may have felt a bit homesick sometimes especially at night when she was tired but that's normal, a lot of people feel like that sometimes, even adults, but yay! she managed to join in some activities and she's managed her first ever residential - what an achievement and well done, blah blah, etc....

I'm afraid you are seriously overreacting.

I'd be willing to bet that your DD had a great time during the day with the games and activities that would have been going on. She was safe, fed and watered. She was with friends and familiar adults. She probably just had the odd wobble at night, which isn't at all uncommon amongst children that age even if they are amongst friends.

You need to build her resilience here, not write strongly worded emails to people who have given up their own home and family time to ensure the good care of your child and her friends - on 24/7 duty too, and at no extra pay.

Tactfully ask the class teacher how they thought it all went when you next get the chance. Their version of events could well be totally at odds with what your DD has told you.

OP sorry you're overreacting. My dd is in also in year 6 and her residential was 4 nights away in Norfolk and she was fine, having far too much fun to want to come home and all her friends were the same. I doubt your daughter actually cried to the teachers each night it was probably all kept inside and it was a relief to see you, so don't have a go at the school.
Does your daughter regularly stay away? As her behaviour surprises me at that age, 11 year olds are more like 14 nowadays.

A whole 20 minutes 😮 I remember crying, begging my mother not to sign me up for a Brownies residential. She did. I had an amazing time, such great memories. I’m glad she didn’t listen to me.

I suspect that’s why her daughter is clingy. Maybe she really enjoyed it but now she’s home she’s tired and thinks you want her to sound as though she actually gadn’t enjoyed it? OP needs to let go, and build up DD’s resilience and confidence. 11 is quite old to have that reaction tbh.

It's not something I say lightly as I completely understand, but it is an overreaction. It's ok for children to feel sad and upset and miss home, we can't and shouldn't protect them from any and all distress. I remember my P7 residential trip vividly, I was homesick and convinced that because I wasn't there, that my stepdad was going to murder my mum, specifically by stabbing her. It was awful - but it wasn't the whole story, because I also enjoyed myself. Did your daughter?

Who said she was crying every night for 20 minutes? Could it be that once she had stopped crying, she perked up and joined in and had a great time?

If you indulge this behaviour she will still be lliving in your basement when she is 45.

Having been the homesick child, the leader/teacher and the parent. The teacher did the right thing !!

children go to learn to have these experiences. That’s what you paid for.

if the teacher had called you’d have been miffed they’d given in so easily and your child has missed out. So would your child when they heard about the fun their friends had.

the best contact, is no contact. Contact tends to provoke tears and then someone has to deal with it! … 30/60 crying kids is hard work!!