Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with school

423 replies

crossmummas · 03/07/2025 15:50

My daughter who is 11 went on a residential school trip.
She has just come home in flood of tears as she cried each night as she missed us and wanted to come home. I don’t think she clearly said to the teacher ‘I want to come home’ but did say she was homesick and missed her family. She was crying for around 20 minutes.

I am so cross the school didn’t ring me so I could pick her up. I actually only live 5 minutes away from the place she was staying.

I’m not sure whether to ring and ask to speak to the headteacher tomorrow or to write a strongly worded email to the school or if I’m over reacting. It’s the first time she has stayed away from home.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 03/07/2025 16:51

Agree you’re overreacting. You said yourself it’s not clear she specifically asked to come home and they said no.

20 minutes of a nighttime when tired is quite usual for tears. I’m guessing because it was 20 minutes and over with they comforted her and she recovered? If she cried all the time I’d think differently.

Sounds like the teachers actually spent time helping her settle and I don’t think having a go at them for that is really fair.

neverbeenskiing · 03/07/2025 16:52

JMSA · 03/07/2025 16:35

Be honest OP, were you holed up in a local hotel for the duration? 😜 I’ve never known a residential trip to take place 5 minutes from the school’s catchment area!

You would be amazed the number of parents who actually do this!

Sunshineismyfavourite · 03/07/2025 16:53

You are overreacting I think.
I have done many residentials as a teacher and there are always a few children who say they are homesick and may have a few tears.
The teachers and other kids are brilliant at distracting from this and reminding them what a fantastic day they have had and how they will love the activities tomorrow.

She would have been overwhelmed when she saw you and got home which is what would have started the tears - all perfectly normal.

Please don't write a strongly worded email to the school. Residentials are so difficult to organise and supervise and take teachers away from their own families (kids who are probably crying for their teacher Mum or Dad too!) They are such an important milestone and learning experience for children to become independent as we all want our kids to be independent. Leaving your comfort zone can be tricky but and essential part of growing up and building resilience.

I would be absolutely sure that if your daughter was desperately unhappy and making herself unwell then they would have called you.

BreakingBroken · 03/07/2025 16:53

as a parent similar to swimming and riding a bike it's important to teach your child how to cope while away from you first at school and being away during the day and yes by 11 coping while away overnight.

assuming she does not have preexisting conditions you should have covered this prior to the trip including how to firmly tell her teacher/who ever supervised that she needed to go home.
going forward i would NOT involve the school but rally with family and close friends so that your child can relax and thrive being away from home for 2-5 nights.

Tessasanderson · 03/07/2025 16:53

School has done you a favour, if you cant see it, you may regret it in the long run. A child who has separation issues is not fun to deal with

Moveoverdarlin · 03/07/2025 16:56

Can you imagine the school phoning the parents of every child that said ‘I miss my family and want to go home?’ on a school trip.

momtoboys · 03/07/2025 16:56

I'm siding with the you are overreacting crowd.

vodkaredbullgirl · 03/07/2025 16:57

Ott

Toddlerteaplease · 03/07/2025 16:57

Sorry but she needs to get used to being away from home. No way would I have picked her up. I used to get homesick on residentials. But I’d never have thought to ask to be collected early.

JosieRay · 03/07/2025 16:58

I used to take children on residentials for a week ant an time. Any child who was so distraught every night would have had their room mates report it to a teacher…they do look out for each other. I assume that you only have her side of this, and that her emotions at being home feel overwhelming as she will be so tired. They don’t always get to sleep early…too much messing about in the dorms!

Teachers give up so much to do these residentials (no overtime pay as some people seem to think) and the stress of caring for other people’s children all week is beyond exhausting. I hope you were able to thank the staff at pick up. I could count the number of parents who came up to say thank you on the fingers of one hand.

I agree with all the previous posters who said that this is the time to be encouraging and praising resilience.

Moveoverdarlin · 03/07/2025 16:58

You are over reacting. But out of interest if she was on a residential, isn’t it a bit weird that it’s so local to you and you could pick her up in 5 minutes? Aren’t they usually further afield. When I was at school and when I had children in primary they were always in Cornwall a good three or four hours away.

NC28 · 03/07/2025 17:01

HiRen · 03/07/2025 16:01

Will never understand this approach from some parents.

The point of a residential trip is to teach resilience and for children to know they can do things independently.

Why aren’t you telling your daughter that she made it! She did it! Couple of nights away from home, a few tears - but look she’s still alive, she got home, she did the activities, she did everything everyone else did, she’s learned stuff! New experience under her belt, well done!

Instead you’re angry with the school for not calling you to collect her and mollycoddle her and prevent her from stretching herself and learning new things.

Unbelievable.

This.

Resilience level zero.

NC28 · 03/07/2025 17:02

neverbeenskiing · 03/07/2025 16:52

You would be amazed the number of parents who actually do this!

Show quote history

Haha! We need an update from the OP because this might literally be the case.

Shetlands · 03/07/2025 17:02

I feel sorry for your daughter that she's 11 but on her first time away from home and that it's only 5 mins away! Why hasn't she built up to being away over the last few years? Also, why would you have collected her instead of encouraging her to stick it out?

I used to take primary aged children on residential trips from age 7 onwards and by the time they were 11 they were up for anything, anywhere. If you don't help her to build resilience now, you'll be failing as a parent so praise her for what she's just achieved and send a thank you note to the staff.

PennywisePoundFoolish · 03/07/2025 17:03

I remember DS2 crying most of the weekend after his Yr6 residential. He didn't have a good time, another kid had taken his bedding on the 1st night and DS2 was too shy to tell the teachers. I didn't say anything to the school, and I suggest you don't either. The school didn't do anything wrong and the trips aren't easy for the staff either.

I remember not enjoying my residential, it was miserable, but did no lasting damage.

Flyswats · 03/07/2025 17:03

Instead of dwelling on the fact you could have picked her up, why not congratulate her on sticking it out til the end of the trip. Everyone gets homesick at different times, the point is not giving up and coming home, like a lightweight.

She was not ill or in danger, she was safe. They were in loco parentis. You will have agreed to that on some consent form.

It's part of growing up.She'll do better next time.

Aprilrainagainagain · 03/07/2025 17:04

This is a bit dramatic.

Ibelievetheworldisburningtotheground · 03/07/2025 17:05

HiRen · 03/07/2025 16:01

Will never understand this approach from some parents.

The point of a residential trip is to teach resilience and for children to know they can do things independently.

Why aren’t you telling your daughter that she made it! She did it! Couple of nights away from home, a few tears - but look she’s still alive, she got home, she did the activities, she did everything everyone else did, she’s learned stuff! New experience under her belt, well done!

Instead you’re angry with the school for not calling you to collect her and mollycoddle her and prevent her from stretching herself and learning new things.

Unbelievable.

Absolutely.

Parents have absolutely lost the plot. Their job is to actually raise their children into capable, confident young people who can challenge themselves to try new things. By themselves.

Unless parents don't actually want this ... I have met parents I am 100% convinced are trying to make their children so dependent on them that they'll never leave home....

Eldermileniummam · 03/07/2025 17:06

I'd assume she didn't tell them how upset she was

657904I · 03/07/2025 17:07

I think you’re overreacting. What’s your strongly worded letter going to do, if she didn’t ask for you to be contacted or ask to go home?

Crying for 20 minutes isn’t that concerning given she was there a few nights and if she was behaving normally the rest of the time.

I do find it weird that a school trip was so close to home though. I would question the point of a residential trip with overnight stays if the children live 5 minutes away. That could have been a day trip.

Nopenousername · 03/07/2025 17:07

You are overreacting and yes I was that child and remember it very vividly. Just let it slide and move on

outdooryone · 03/07/2025 17:08

657904I · 03/07/2025 17:07

I think you’re overreacting. What’s your strongly worded letter going to do, if she didn’t ask for you to be contacted or ask to go home?

Crying for 20 minutes isn’t that concerning given she was there a few nights and if she was behaving normally the rest of the time.

I do find it weird that a school trip was so close to home though. I would question the point of a residential trip with overnight stays if the children live 5 minutes away. That could have been a day trip.

Perhaps school organised it so close as they knew that some parents had attachment issues
;-)

FruityCider · 03/07/2025 17:11

neverbeenskiing · 03/07/2025 16:52

You would be amazed the number of parents who actually do this!

Show quote history

I've been the teacher on numerous residential trips - we had a parent book a hotel next to the campsite and were seen walking around the wire fence perimeter trying to get a look in!
Phones is another one. One of them created a false bottom in their child's suitcase with a phone, an iPad and enough snacks to feed an army!
It's a shame that some parents are so quick afterwards to try and find problems and berate schools who put so much effort in to these things. It's a small but vocal minority - thanks to the majority of parents who trust us and let the kids have a good time!

OP, I'm adding to the chorus here but the teachers will be used to and prepared for children who are homesick or upset. It happens, but the best thing you can do for her is to emphasise that she accomplished something in being away. Ask her about what she enjoyed and big her up! Sending kids home is an absolute last resort. We've only ever done it for two kids - one who was truly inconsolable and could not partake in activities as a result, and one whose behaviour made the other kids unsafe.

Daisy03 · 03/07/2025 17:12

No. Email and thank the staff for giving up their time to give your daughter an opportunity to learn resilience and new skills.

Harleyband · 03/07/2025 17:13

One of the worst things you can do for an anxious child is to validate their anxieties by accommodating them. Picking her up early would have sent the message that she should be anxious when away from home. A hearty, " Well done, you did it and I knew you could" is much much better for her future mental health.