To be angry with school

[crossmummas]

My daughter who is 11 went on a residential school trip.
She has just come home in flood of tears as she cried each night as she missed us and wanted to come home. I don’t think she clearly said to the teacher ‘I want to come home’ but did say she was homesick and missed her family. She was crying for around 20 minutes.

I am so cross the school didn’t ring me so I could pick her up. I actually only live 5 minutes away from the place she was staying.

I’m not sure whether to ring and ask to speak to the headteacher tomorrow or to write a strongly worded email to the school or if I’m over reacting. It’s the first time she has stayed away from home.

I’m afraid you’re overreacting.

Thank the teachers - they don’t get paid overtime for residentials btw.

You are totally overreacting. This is all part of growing up. I bet she enjoyed all the daytime activities. Homesickness only tends to come on at night, then it passes.

How ungrateful! The teachers and TA’s have given up their time to organise and supervise this trip and you’re moaning that your child cried a bit when they got home.
Its your job to build resilience in your child not be angry at staff who have been working hard all hours of the day and night to ensure your child and many others had a good time.

She was crying for around 20 minutes.

Did she say this? Because even five minutes feels a long time for a child. What made her say 20 minutes?

This!

This.

Massive over reaction, please get a grip.

I think its very sad that your kid is 11 and has never stayed away from home before.

🤔 Wasn't there a recent thread where a teacher said a parent did this? They even appeared during the day watching what was going on.

Live and learn

Exactly what HiRen said

Where's the resilience??

YABU. Of the several residential trips I have been on as a teacher, about 99% of the kids have expressed being homesick or wanting to go home.

I would have been on the phone for hours each evening if I had to call every parent whose child expressed they were homesick. Why not focus on how brave she was? And what a big step she has taken? And how mature she is getting ? And how proud you are of her that she was so resilient and brave?

This!

shocking how little thanks teachers, and brownie/beaver/scouts leaders get for taking other peoples kids away on an amazing trip

Oh for goodness sake, OP. I’ve done trips abroad with children as young as 8 who, yes, sometimes cry for mum and are a bit sad at a given moment….but they are so busy, doing new stuff, developing their friendships, seeing new places, eating new foods, that they have a great time overall. I have never heard a child say they wished they hadn’t come with us. Time away from family is a great thing. They develop resilience, their confidence skyrockets, they look after each other, and they come home full of stories. The teachers will have had an eye out. Focus on the positives. Talk about what she enjoyed,

Don't you fucking dare! Those poor staff are literally on their feet from 6 30 am on the morning til 10.30 at night ( and the sometimes up with them in the night too) for no extra money. They are not 'volunteers' they have to do it as part of the job. They have to clean up the sick, covertly changed wet beds and much more lovely tasks for your kids It is like a forced labour camp. Then, instead of parents grateful thanks you get 'Robinson Squash parents' like you moaning!

Wait until she has had a good night's sleep at home and then talk about how the trip went. Besides bedtime it doesn't sound like she hated it. Bedtime can often be tricky when the kids are tired and it's an unfamiliar setting. Did she enjoy the activities and being with her friends? Was she withdrawn the entire time?
This is a great exercise in resilience. Just rushing off to pick her up at the first wobble teaches her nothing.

Sorry but you are hugely overreacting, and giving your DD completely the wrong message. It should be "Yes, I’m sure you missed us - we missed you too - isn’t it odd how everything always seems worse at night when we're tired? But well done - you did it! I’m really proud of you for sticking it out. Tell me about all the lovely things you got up to." Don’t entourage her to view the whole thing as a negative experience or you are just setting up trouble for the years ahead.

Then buy cards and presents to thank the school staff who left their own families and were on call 24 hours a day to help develop resilience and independence in children like yours. They don’t get paid overtime, you know.

My daughter was homesick and apparently cried every night on her Y6 residential. But she survived and it paved the way for later residential trips, with staff who didn’t know her nearly as well. I would have been furious if staff had phoned me to pick her up.

I would not have wanted my DC to go home for that reason. I can understand you empathising with how she felt, but in the long run she will have benefited from most aspects of the trip. Feeling a bit homesick if is the first time it's not unusual but it's not the end of the world. I would acknowledge how she felt, give her lots of hugs or whatever usually makes her feel secure and reassure her that everyone feels like that on their first trip without their family, but that she got back safely and it will be easier next time.

The only time I would complain about this is if it became apparent there was a specific, preventable reason why my DC was upset, e.g. some other children were constantly unkind to them on the trip, they got hurt and weren't attended to or their dietary needs (not preferences) weren't met.

I disagree that you are overreacting to feel sad that your daughter was homesick, and to wonder whether perhaps she would have been better off coming home. All children are different. Not everybody is ready to be away from home for that length of time at 11. One of mine became ready at a much younger age, and the other at a much older age.

At the same time, it is clearly very difficult for teachers to assess what each child needs: do they need to be jollied through their homesickness, or just given a bit of time to get past it, or do they really need to go home? Given how challenging their job is, I don't think it's appropriate to raise this with them. It's a pity, but it isn't their fault.

All you can really do is wait until your daughter has had some rest and has reflected on the overall experience so you and she can try to figure out whether this really was too much for her. Then you can let that inform your approach in the next year or two, if she has a similar opportunity again.

This.

I have a distinct memory of returning from a residential trip at about that age and being baffled at my friend, who'd spent all week laughing and having fun and who hadn't mentioned missing her family once, running into her Mum's arms and sobbing. In hindsight, it was most likely just exhaustion and overwhelm after an amazing but full-on week.

Most kids will have moments of missing home, particularly if they have never been away from home before. Many will get a little sad or even teary but that is normal, it's an important part of developing independence and resilience and is very different from being seriously distressed. Speak to your daughter after she's had some rest. In the unlikely event that she has spemt the week sobbing and the school have ignored it then obviously speak to them, but you will probably find that she'll be fine once she's calmed down, and glad she went.

They clearly told us when mine went that they would not contact us to collect children due to homesickness.

Loads of kids get upset at residentials. They also then enjoy it. Maybe sad later, but over all enjoy it.
If she didn't actually say she wants to go home, then you can't complain

I don't see why the kids weren't allowed to call their parents each night before bed? Then she could've sought comfort from you, maybe not needing to be picked up but just to feel reassured.

It's normal for kids to get homesick on their first residential though. I don't think it means they should be immediately taken home. And just say the parent didn't live five minutes away from the venue or they were too busy at work?

I disagree with the people who are saying the experience of being away from home and not allowed to come home will have "built resilience", as if being unhappy is some kind of achievement. She didn't make the choice to stay.

As I said in my previous post, this isn't really the staff's fault, but neither is surviving away from her family an accomplishment. It's just something which happened to her, over which she probably had no control.

Maybe she will feel more able to do things independently as a result, but if it was actually very upsetting for her, the opposite may also be the case.