To be angry with school

[crossmummas]

My daughter who is 11 went on a residential school trip.
She has just come home in flood of tears as she cried each night as she missed us and wanted to come home. I don’t think she clearly said to the teacher ‘I want to come home’ but did say she was homesick and missed her family. She was crying for around 20 minutes.

I am so cross the school didn’t ring me so I could pick her up. I actually only live 5 minutes away from the place she was staying.

I’m not sure whether to ring and ask to speak to the headteacher tomorrow or to write a strongly worded email to the school or if I’m over reacting. It’s the first time she has stayed away from home.

Children cry a lot on school trips, the point of many is to teach them resilience and fun away from home and parents. You should be congratulating your child and welcoming them home. By backing her negative thoughts will likely make it worse next time.

My DC also cried going to bed on their first school trip, yes I’d have preferred it they didn’t, but they were fine, came home I said well done and treated them to a McDonalds which they thoroughly enjoyed.

I know it’s hard, but try to always thing what’s the best way for them I can deal with this situation with them long term benefit for them, over a knee jerk emotionally laden fury to the school when they’re only trying to help the children.

You are massively over reacting.
Teachers have booked and planned a trip for a whole class. They have had to sort out payments, coaches, insurance, risk assessments, kit list, letters home, parent meeting, rooming, activities etc. They have given up their time for free - effectively on call 24/7 for absolutely no extra pay. You should be thanking them for providing the experience for your dd not complaining about something so trivial.

I think if you speak to the teachers who were on the trip, you may hear a very different story.

The tears were probably relief at being home, but that doesn't mean she won't necessarily have enjoyed the trip overall.

Does she not have a phone?

I'd be surprised if they were allowed phones on the trip.

Constant contact with home isn't quite in the spirit.

I did a DofE expedition once. Y9 kid constantly crying, moaning, complaining. Rang mum who said ‘tell her to get on with it’ . The girl did exactly that because she knew she had to. Everything was fine

Maybe a bit of reframing is needed? 'Yes of course it's difficult to be away from home and being homesick is natural but look at the amazing things you did and the fun you had! I'm so proud that you stuck it through and had so many great experiences!'

My 11 year old also came back from his residential saying he was sad on his first night and wanted to come home but he knew he'd regret being at home if he made a fuss, I absolutely haven't thought to email in to the teacher because he had a great time, he came home and homesickness is normal 🤷🏻‍♀️ even for adults!

This!

I remember going on residential trips in year 5 and 6 when I was in primary school. We went on two five day trips- one to Norfolk and one to the Isle of Wight (we all lived in London). There were a few tears caused by arguments or home sickness but none of us went home and we all helped each other. Those trips are among my most vivid school memories, despite the tears we all had a great time.

My own children have done residential trips although not as long as the trips I did as a child. I wouldn’t have expected the school to call me over a few tears and wobbles, they were with safe adults who I trusted to calm them and comfort them and redirect them into something more positive.

Talk to the school to see how she was. It is quite common for a parents reaction on pick up to be the cause of distress.

how did you greet her?

It’s called resilience.

Did she enjoy the trip though? 20 minutes of crying each night isn't a lot - I would want to know about the other 23 hours and focus on the positives as I'm sure there were some.

I think op is long gone

What has happened with school trips and nights away from parents? In the 60s and 70s, I'm certain this wasn't an issue. At 11, I went to Holland with school, having already been to Brownie and Guide camp. No-one cried or wanted to go home. Looking back, and considering my own DD, I think it must be about parental expectation. Nervous parents create nervous children. Eg a real onversation:

Me to a parent in the school yard: 'Is DC looking forward to the trip to Y (25 miles away)?'
Parent: 'I don't know. I'm not.'
Me: 'Why is that?'
Parent: 'The coach might crash.'
Me: 'It might. But the odds on it crashing are low.'

And now we talk about resilience, which is built throughout our lives by doing things we find difficult.

The point of a residential trip is to teach resilience and for children to know they can do things independently.
Why aren’t you telling your daughter that she made it! She did it! Couple of nights away from home, a few tears - but look she’s still alive, she got home, she did the activities, she did everything everyone else did, she’s learned stuff! New experience under her belt, well done!

This. You picking her up simply would have taught her she couldnt manage

She could. She did. It was hard but she did it. Focus on that with her.

My son went away with the school last year at 11, he was very homesick, the second night the teacher let him ring me but tbh I’m not sure it made it better as he was sobbing so much, even as we said goodbye. I was so worried about him but the teacher did send me updates by email. He looks back at it now and did enjoy himself, hopefully your daughter will too.

Did she enjoy it during the day? When they are busy doing activities. Was it just the night when she got homesick ?
If so then I would not contact the school.
They probably saw that she was enjoying it but when it came to sleeping she missed you.
Its better in the long run she gets used to it .

YABUU

You should be angry with yourself for not realising that most kids who have been away at a residential, even if they enjoyed it, sometimes, especially if they enjoyed it, come home and are grumpy, sob or have a bit of a melt down. It's because they haven\t slept much, so many impressions, and no home comforts. As another poster said ideally you'd have told her how mazing she is, how proud you are and that it's totally normal to miss home.

Of course the school shouldn't have called you.

Are you going to offer your dd more opportunities to build resilience? If she is going into year 7, (or is she a young year 7 now?) she'll go on a team building trip in the autumn. Prep her.

We are involved in leading on residential camps for kids of similar ages and evening/night upset can be quite common, however the same kids are usually having a brilliant time during the day. It's often starts at the evening meal as that's quite a different experience to at home, then as things wind down for the night, it's more out of routine. Kids are often doing their bedtime on their own without a kiss goodnight and tucking in (some are embarrased to bring a soft toy from home so miss that too).

We don't tend to call parents immediately though as usually it settles down by the 2nd night. Plus our leaders will support kids struggling at bedtime but we will facilitate calls home if needed. We really don't suggest collecting though unless there is significant unhappiness during the day as well. Being upset and missing home is a legitimate feeling but not necessarily one that should be avoided.

I'd give your daughter a big hug and tell her how proud you are of her. She did a difficult thing and saw it through. Maybe find a group she can join that does overnights so she can continue to develop her confidence.

I don't see why the kids weren't allowed to call their parents each night before bed?

Yes, absolutely. Letting 100 hot, tired, sweaty kids all phone their parents one after another just before bed every night would be an amazing idea to help settle them all.

FFS

Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be for a Y6 to have to be collected by mummy from a residential trip? What on earth would her friends think? I’m sure there may have been a few wobbly moments, but I bet the last thing she actually wanted was the humiliation of packing up her stuff early and explaining to everyone she was going home because she missed her mum. DD would have been absolutely mortified - they like to think they are grown up by Y6 (of course they are nowhere near), and don’t want to be treated like babies. That’s why she didn’t explicitly ask to come home.

😆hilarious. Parents are nuts these days. So co-dependent.

Yes. Please do ring up and complain to the staff who took your child away, unpaid. Who also gave up their own family time to do so, unpaid. Taught your daughter some resilience, whilst not being paid.

Ring up and complain.

If the school phoned parents to collect every time a child said they were homesick on a residential trip then I can guarantee the majority of the children would have ended up going home. Instead of focusing on giving the school a telling off, focus on the positive and the fact that your daughter stayed it out. I know it seems like she had no other choice but its still a big achievement x

She's taken her DC for a solo wild camping trip. Resilience is all.